Love, Depression & Death

LegacyUser

This is a big problem for me and i dont know where to turn to. This is also a long story and i need to get alot off of my chest. So if you dont want me to bore you stop reading.

I've fallen in love with this guy, we're both 17. I know most of you are going to turn around and say " your only 17, its not love, blah blah blah." but it really is. I've loved him for nearly 3 years. I do anything to make him happy, id even die for him if i knew it would bring him happiness. He says he is not gay, but i know he is. Its blatently obvious. If you ever talked to him u'd know.

He has been my best friend and the only friend ive ever had. Even since i was a kid i never had friends he was my first true friend and in school its always me & him. I'd tell him anything and everything.

Lately i had been getting the feeling that he didnt want to be friends with me anymore and it was killin me. I couldnt afford to loose him. We used to do everything together, but anytime i asked him to do somthing he'd blow me off with excuse after excuse.

This went on for 3 months, then my dad threw me out of the house, i told him and it was like he didnt want to know, i went into hospital sick and had to get an operation, and before i had really told him what had happend he was givin me excuses why he couldnt come up, but then when he found out our other "friend" (She doesnt really like me) was comin up, he was up there like a shot.

So i confronted him about it a few days after i got out and said that if he didnt want to be friends i wish he'd just tell me.
He said
"ur being stupid, and that if i didnt want to be friends with you i'd tell you".

He got pissed off at me and we didnt talk for nearly a week. I apolagised and apolagised to him, and eventually he said we could be friends again.

I felt so bad for treating the person i love like absolute ****.

I felt that he only bacme friends with me again cause he knew i have no other friends. It was playin heavily on my mind that he still didnt want to be friends and i felt so so bad. I wanted the pain to end, so last friday in school i gave him a letter to read and took alot of pills. He made me get sick and ripped up the letter, he didnt even read it.

the letter said:
" Im sorry for all the pain ive cause you over the last few weeks. ive never wanted to hurt cause i love you. Thats right, im in love with you, and it breaks my heart knowin that every second you can never return it."

He was pissed off at me for being so stupid, but we were goin to a party later that nite and he promissed he'd talk to me about it.

So, later at the party, he ignored me all night, i txted him, while he was standing beside me sayin " u promissed u'd talk to me can we talk before you go, please?"

That was at 11.30, he was adement all night he was leavin at 2, but as soon as i sent the txt he went at 12. I got very upset, and broke down in the kitchen while eveyone else was in the sitting room. I cried on my friends shoulder for about an hour and then i left.

When i got home i was so so upset, i grabbed a glass of water and some more pills, i wrote another letter and then i txted him sayin

"U promissed, u ****ing promissed u'd talk to me. Well ive made my mind up now, im goin threw wit it. Im sorry. its all in the letter ive left you. Please read it"

I sat there all nite. Staring at the pills. Thinkin it over and over and over again. Then at about 5 a.m. i decided not to. I texted him again sayin

"Im sorry, ignore my last text, i shudnt expect u to deal with my problems when you dont know how. i was just upset. Im not goin to do anything stupid dont worry. Im sorry. Call me"

So i went all day saturday, he didnt ring or text. Then at about 18.30 he texted me this

" Listen i am goin to be honest with you. You cant tell me that ur goin to kill yourself and expect me to be ok with all that, tellin me you left me a letter and stuff. For that reason and OTHERS i think we cant be friends anymore. we can still be friendly sayin hello in passin etc but we cant be friends. And i dont want any letters or txts."

I rang him straight away, i begged, i pleaded and he wouldnt have any of it. He said he made himself clear in the message and thats it case closed. To him no longer friends. I said its easy for him, he has so many people he can turn to and i only had him and i was sorry for annoying him.

I begged. I said i couldnt go on without him. He didnt care. I said did he never do sumthin in the heat of the moment and not regret it a second later. He said i was makin this about him and that our friendship is over.And i had to face it. He said no matter what i said was going to change it.

So then i figured what have i got to loose. I told him that i was in love with him, and that i couldnt afford to loose him. I told him id do anything to make it up to him.

Then he said and i quote "Oh my god, you really know how to drive someone away. Its best for both of us that we are not friends, leave it at that. i never want to see you again"

I seriously need some help. I cant go on with out him. I dont know what to do. I want to end the pain, its just so easy if i take my life but i dont want to leave people in pain when im gone like my family.

Please somebody help me.

Stark

So i confronted him about it a few days after i got out and said that if he didnt want to be friends i wish he'd just tell me.
He said
"ur being stupid, and that if i didnt want to be friends with you i'd tell you".

He got pissed off at me and we didnt talk for nearly a week. I apolagised and apolagised to him, and eventually he said we could be friends again.

I felt so bad for treating the person i love like absolute ****.

Okay aside from the complete mess that follows, here is where you made your first mistake. Noone ever gives an honest answer when confronted about the state of a friendship. Possibly because even though they don't feel like seeing a person again, they realise that they might need to talk to that person in the future. You shouldn't have felt bad about treating him like ****e, he treated you like ****e by cutting off contact with you let keeping you hanging on. By forcing you to apologise to him repeatedly and then finally agreeing to let you be friends with you again, he used one of the oldest power techniques in the book.

You've let your relationship with him turn into an abusive one and this is where it's gotten you. You're not in love with him, the pain you feel isn't the pain of losing him, it's the pain of losing your own self-worth. You've let him destroy the relationships around you and he's made you completely dependant on him alone. He refused to come see you in the hospital until he heard that your other "friend" was coming up, that's not the act of a friend. In fact, you could be excessively paranoid about the other friend not liking you, if she was willing to come visit you in hospital, it means she has some genuine concern for you.

See a counsellor or someone. It may not seem like it at the moment, but months from now, you'll realise your life is far richer without him.

MisterKipling

Firstly I have to say, you've had a really tough time of it and that it all will get better. There's so many replies that you read and the first line is, 'I KNOW EXACTLY WHAT YOUR GOING THROUGH’ well that’s nice but we all experience these things in different ways emotionally and physically. You really answered this dilemma yourself by acknowledging that your only 17, your hormones are running rampant and it’s made ten times more worse because your trying to deal with being gay?

I too have a very close friend and even though for a long time I never thought about him in any other way than friendship about a year ago he helped me out alot and in doing so I guess we grew very close. He is also my ideal boyfriend. But it all changed when I had to give into the fact that I needed him more as friend than anything else. I had unfortunatly heard a rumour that he was seen out kissing this other guy. But I knew it had to be a lie, as much as I wanted it to be true. Your infatuation with this other person can’t overpower the friendship. And the whole texting thing doesn't work, when your texting it all seems to make sense in your head but when they read it, it sounds/looks different and they end up getting the wrong impression. Id say you’re using the suicide attempts as a ploy to make him feel guilty and this is bad, at the time it probably feels like a great idea but it did push him away. He was probably very afraid and well aware that he was why u were doing it.

You are so young and believe me this is only the beginning, you'll have plenty more downs but the highs will greatly out weigh them. Young love is, ecstatic, warm, new but also scary, overwhelming and sometimes short-lived. My advice about your friend is to stop texting, writing letters and just be yourself. Give in to the fact that ok he's not gay and just give him time to see that it was all a big misunderstanding. Give yourself and him some space. You both need time away from each other; it’s not like your both going to leave the country anytime soon. You have said that you don’t have any other friends, get out there and make new one's, its vital. Being on your own is no fun and even though it’s nice having girls to talk to about 'boys', a male friend in my opinion is very important. You will meet hundreds of other guys and more than likely you'll fall in love again, but let this lesson maybe hold you back a little so as not to jump feet in first. Take your time and enjoy the experience of meeting new people.


You have so much going on in your life i'm guessing (your father kicking you out) that its time to take things one by one and remember to look after Number one (yourself).......You are the most important person in your life. when one's emotions are going crazy by worrying about everyone else, its easy to become separated.Sit back and always think about what your're going to do, being rash won't get you anywhere. But getting it off your chest is a great way to accept and move on after bad suituations. I can promise you we have all made them, at the moment i've got on better than ever with my friend and the nite of his 21st i told him that he was like a brother to me and i was being honest. thinking about what would happen if i ever made a move on him made me realise **** what if i never get to speak with him again.

Finishing off i think that time is a great healer and thats applies to both of you. If this friendship is too last, fate will always intervene. What will be.....will be. There's a great saying and it always reminds me of what happened...a good friend will support you and be there in times of need but a true friend will pretend that nothing ever happened. believe in that, and look none of this might be any good to you :rolleyes: but i hope it is.

Stark

There's a great saying and it always reminds me of what happened...a good friend will support you and be there in times of need but a true friend will pretend that nothing ever happened. believe in that

And "no good deed goes unpunished".

Since we're quoting "Desperate Housewives" here

Dinxminx

I'm going to make myself very unpopular here and say that I sort of know how your friend feels. I was put in his position with a girl I know. She didn't love me, she just "needed" me, but it was the exact same. The letters, the texts, the idle threats of suicide.I didn't stop being friends with her because she was doing anything wrong, I stopped being friends with her because she relied and depended on me, and I couldn't take all the sh*t that went with being her friend. Whenever we fell out she'd text me saying she was going to end her life, and it would make me feel guilty and as if it was my fault, even though it wasn't at all. She had problems with her family too. But if I didn't call her or text her one day, she'd get suicidal. After about a year my nerves were shot, and I had no patience or sympathy any more. When she sent me a txt saying something like "You didn't call. WHy didn't you call? I have no-one. I'm finished with life. I hope you do well for yourself. You're a very special person and you deserve it all" I'd delete it. I knew she wouldn't go through with it, and I was sick of being worried all the time. Sick of her trying to get my attention in the worst possible way. Sick of feeling like a puppet.

I stopped being her friend. I stopped answering her calls, I stopped writing back to her messages, and I avoided her at school. And I didn't feel guilty because I was doing it for my sanity. Actually, I felt angry with her. Angry with her for being so selfish. I wanted to be normal again. I wanted to be able to hang around with people who didn't make me feel sh*tty all the time. I started to cut myself to make myself feel a little better; to make the pain a little less. I mean, I was 17, how did she expect me to deal with all of her sh*t? I couldn't. I didn't sleep at night anymore and I'd stopped eating.

She went to John of God's with clinical depression and a load of other problems. She was there a long time. I visited her once.

At the beginning of this year my class teacher pulled me aside and asked me to make friends with her again as it was clear she was "suffering". I told her that she had no idea what she was asking of me, and that being her friend just meant suffering for me, and that I'd had enough of that thank you very much.

Now we talk and things are okay between us. I'm careful not to let her get as close as before though. I'm not going through that nigtmare again.


Dunno how this might help you only maybe you'll recognize parts of this and realise that you should put yourself in his shoes before writing the whole thing off.

Good luck,
xXx

BuffyBot

Guest101 wrote:

I've fallen in love with this guy, we're both 17. I know most of you are going to turn around and say " your only 17, its not love, blah blah blah." but it really is.

It may be love, but it doesn't nessecarily mean it's "good" love.

He says he is not gay, but i know he is. Its blatently obvious. If you ever talked to him u'd know.

This may be the fatal flaw. I've known plenty of "gay-ish" straight guys, and bloke-ish gay guys. Some of the straights turned out to be gay, some didn't. Even one of the gay guys went "straight" for a while. The point is, you can't make assumptions about other peoples sexuality. Even if it feels blatently obvious to you, it may not be how it is. If he says he isn't gay, I'm afraid you've just got to accept that. Perhaps he is gay, perhaps he isn't.

He has been my best friend and the only friend ive ever had. Even since i was a kid i never had friends he was my first true friend and in school its always me & him. I'd tell him anything and everything. Lately i had been getting the feeling that he didnt want to be friends with me anymore and it was killin me. I couldnt afford to loose him. We used to do everything together, but anytime i asked him to do somthing he'd blow me off with excuse after excuse.

Again, you're putting him on a pedastal he might not be happy being on. Maybe your friendship is draining him. It happens, even with the best of friends. Friendships evolve, friendships go through rocky times and sometimes they end. You might have to prepare for the worst, or you may not.

So i confronted him about it a few days after i got out and said that if he didnt want to be friends i wish he'd just tell me.
He said
"ur being stupid, and that if i didnt want to be friends with you i'd tell you".

As someone else said, direct challenges over the state of a friendship rarely illict an honest response.

I wanted the pain to end, so last friday in school i gave him a letter to read and took alot of pills. He made me get sick and ripped up the letter, he didnt even read it.

You're not going to like the next bit - but you used emotional blackmail on him to try and force your friendship back into existance. Friendships don't generally tend to work out like that I'm afraid - and you may have alienated him further.

He was pissed off at me for being so stupid, but we were goin to a party later that nite and he promissed he'd talk to me about it.

Can you blame him for putting this discussion off? You did something that put him in an awful position. Then you want him to have this incident sorted in his head by that night? (By the way a party isn't the place for such a discussion.)

When i got home i was so so upset, i grabbed a glass of water and some more pills, i wrote another letter and then i txted him sayin "U promissed, u ****ing promissed u'd talk to me. Well ive made my mind up now, im goin threw wit it. Im sorry. its all in the letter ive left you. Please read it"

So, when you didn't get your own way, you piled on more emotional blackmail. I know it seemed like the right thing to do, but how do you expect him to react. You have loaded him with one suicide attempt, and now another. That's a lot for anyone to take, especially when you are saying his involvement had something to do with your desicion.

" Listen i am goin to be honest with you. You cant tell me that ur goin to kill yourself and expect me to be ok with all that, tellin me you left me a letter and stuff. For that reason and OTHERS i think we cant be friends anymore. we can still be friendly sayin hello in passin etc but we cant be friends. And i dont want any letters or txts."

To be totally honest, I can completely understand his reaction.

He said i was makin this about him and that our friendship is over.And i had to face it. He said no matter what i said was going to change it.

And in there, lies an element of truth. You have issues to deal with - the fact that you've contemplated/attempted suicide on two occasions (that we know of) says that something is not right. Your friend isn't the problem here. And then you piled the additional pressure of your declaration of love onto him, which probably freaked him out even more.

I seriously need some help. I cant go on with out him. I dont know what to do. I want to end the pain, its just so easy if i take my life but i dont want to leave people in pain when im gone like my family.

You need to seek some professional help. You are going through a rough, rough time and because of some of things you have done, you've alienated a good friend. It doesn't mean that the friendship is over by any means - but you need to sort yourself out before attempting to mend your relationship with your friend. He sounds like an ordinary guy overwhelmed by extraordinary circumstances. Sort yourself out, then sort it out with him - but you can't do the second until you tackle the first.

snappieT

OK, this guy is my friend and just pointed out the thread to me now. I'm currently talking to him on MSN.

For the purpose of this, I'm going to call the guy he is in love with Ted. This is not his real name.

Firstly, trust me, Ted is gay, and has just not realised it.
Guest101 is in love with him. I know i'm only 17 also, but he is certainly in love with him.

Also, they were not 'idle threats of suicide' - Guest101 did overdose on pills (though not enough to kill him AFAIK) on Friday. Ted took the pills off him when he found out, then told Guest101 to throw up, which he did. Ted gave the pills back. This disgusts me. Guest101 took more, but decided himself to throw up again.

He considered killing himself again yesterday, but today is more calm and happy. He just started talking to me about it today. I knew before that he was in love with Ted.

LegacyUser

I am just confirming that i know snapscan, and some of your replies are really helping me think about the situation more rationally. Thank you to u all and espcially BuffyBot and DinxMinx. I know that i am putting too much pressure on him right now. But please keep the replies coming

LegacyUser

Wow. Just, wow. Don't take this the wrong way buddy but you have some SERIOUS emotional issues to sort out. This is not love, as another poster said - this is clinging to your own self worth, which for you comes from this friend.

I seriously suggest talking to a councellor, I have in the past and it's a great thing. If you're still in school, talk to the school councellor.

Gay or not gay this friend has his own decisions to make and his own life to live, and to be honest I don't blame him from getting away from you. This sort of emotional train wreck would drive anyone away. As said before you're are pining all your self-worth solely onto another person which is NOT normal.

Go and talk to a professional.

BuffyBot

Firstly, trust me, Ted is gay, and has just not realised it.

You know, I'm beginning to understand why "Ted" is pissed off...


(He isn't "gay" until he decides upon it and is happy with it inside his own mind. Labelling him as such isn't helpful and isn't likely to produce any positive results)

snappieT

OK, lets put it another way. I'm gay. I didn't know until 2 years ago.

People were able to tell me I was gay from 5 years ago. Ted is 99% certainly gay, or at the very least bi.

damien

I think the point is that until "Ted" acknowledges he is gay and says so then you have to take it for granted that he isn't. When questioned about sexuality you must respect what the person says no matter what circumstantial evidence you may have. I was going to address the original poster first but saw this and thought I'd comment here first.

Before people get caught in this sub-argument we should first give our opinions on the original predicament.

snappieT

I'm just helping Guest101 along. I'll agree that Ted hasn't reached the conclusion of his sexuality, and its not as though people keep asking him 'why aren't you gay' etc, just everyone knows that he is. Its not like they talk about it behind his back either. We just all know.

Guest

Hmm_Messiah

Ok, keeping this short. I first wondered if I knew you . The situation is scarily close to one I was caught up in; when I was thirty! Five years later it remains unresolved in any healthy way.


You can come out of this healthy and happy; but there are tough times ahead, and tough things for you to hear and reflect on.

You NEED to talk this through completely with some
You need to listen to them and NOT dismiss things you presently don't believe.

You have made this friendship imposible for now at least (true friendships are remarkable and endure much) It's impossible not because of the attraction but because you have made him more than one person can be: more than a friend, an ONLY friend.

It sounds like he is filling gaps in what is a difficult life: that will not work. Only you can bring your own happiness, make you feel complete. Friends and Lovers ADD to you they can never fix you, fix your life, fix the unhappiness.

You are vulnerable these days and I am not sure if even close to acknowledging that you manipulated this guys affection/care for you with the pill taking and the texts. Understandable, but equally understandable is if the guy reacted much much worse. As it is he told you the truth, and in that message you have the basis of a good friendship ( the possibility of one) in some future time. THere are things you need to deal with, things you need to repair for want of a better word.

I can't even guess at them, though in the situation I found myself they were many many, some that didn't seem possible until things started to be looked at from a healthier aspect.

I would with my whole heart recommend therapy. A scary thought to some, and a useless idea to others. If you think no point prove us wrong with trying it out. You KNOW you need to do something. On every thing I hold precious (including some one as dear to me as this guy is to you) I promise afer you take the first step, the therapist/counsellor will show you a world where the pain you feel may still be, but you have tools to deal with it , and overcome what ever you need to to find happiness inside yourself

Imagine then how any person, this guy or any new potential friend, will react when they get to know you as you should be, a reamarkable human being, content in who he is; everything else is a plus.

I hope you overcome fear, or pain, or embarrassment to find the help you need. "only 17" is such an understatement. Perhaps now more than any future time you have every concern the world throws at you in your head.

WELL done on expressing it here, take the next step.

A final thought : concerning how convinced you are this guy is gay. Imagine maybe how convinced some people reading will be that they know EXACTLY whats your problems and solution. Can they know the depths of your heart? Neither can you know this person. Until he has dealt with his sexuality (if he needs to) then what you are determined to believe is as unfair as some other trying to convince you you are straight.


Take care of your self. In the SHORT term you'll find more help on the end of a phone than in any pill bottle. IF no one else the samaritans 1850 60 90 90, or other groups listed here.

Boston

This Ted guy is 17, it's quiet possible that he's not able to handle this level of emotional dependance. You may feel you're able to love at 17, but it's entirely possible he doesn't. He doesn't want to handle it, and he doesn't know how to handle it. You've no idea of the emense pressure of dealing with someone thats as unstable as you are. Always wanting to say the right thing and do the right thing by that person, but also dealing with the pressure of being a kid yourself. As buffybot said your love might not be "good" love. When love is mutually destuctive it's not good for either side. The suicide attempt, more then anything else probably solidified in his mind that things had to change that, if they didn't the results would be plain to see. It is emotional blackmail, but thats a side effect and you shouldn't feel guilty about attempting to take your life. Most people go through somethng similiar around your age.

snappieT

Nice post Hmm_Messiah btw.

You NEED to talk this through completely with some
You need to listen to them and NOT dismiss things you presently don't believe.

That is me alright. We have pretty much talked it through entirely (afaik), and he has told me he feels much better now.
He is working it through, it is difficult but its getting there. Ted was his only close friend (perhaps this pressure was a bit too much for Ted), and though he has a wide group of people who care about him (including myself), these people associate with him relatively infrequently.

Hmm_Messiah

Its good that you were around, and willing.
Good too that he feels better.

Its a difficult and sad fact that people can feel "isolated" even in the midst of a group who do care.
Remember Dude™ to have some outlet for your own concerns/stresses ; listening is not a passive skill.
& thanx for the kind words

snappieT

Well, just an update:

He went to his GP about it, and he thinks he may have Bi-Polar disorder
He has now been refered to a psychologist and will soon be going.

It seems to all be coming together.

.snapscan

Dinxminx

Great! That's definately a step forward. Now he just has to keep walking.....

x

Hmm_Messiah

Absolutely delighted for him.

A big step sitting there in a doctors office and having to say the words.

He should be proud of himself. Best of luck to him