More Quotes.

Capt'n Midnight

There is no such thing as an underestimate of average intelligence.
-- Henry Adams

I will not eat oysters. I want my food dead. Not sick, not wounded, dead.
-- Woody Allen

Jack Benny played Mendelsson last night. Mendelsson lost.

People seem to enjoy things more when they know a lot of other people have been left out of the pleasure.
-- Russel Baker

It is not necesssary to understand things in order to argue about them.
-- Caron de Beaumarchais

It is quite untrue that British people don't appreciate music. They may not understand it but they absolutely love the noise it makes.
-- Sir Thomas Beecham

The gambling known as business looks with austere disfavor upon the business known as gambling.
-- Ambrose Bierce

Rugby is a beastly game played by gentlemen; soccer is a gentleman's game played by beasts; gaa is a beastly game played by beasts.

Guidelines for Bureaucrats: 1. When in charge, ponder. 2. When in trouble, delegate. 3. When in doubt, mumble.
-- James H. Borden

The one function that TV news performs very well is that when there is no news we give it to you with the same emphasis as if it were.
-- David Brinkley

I can't understand why people are frightened of new ideas. I'm frightened of old ones.
-- John Cage

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don't like?
-- Jean Cocteau

I don't believe in astrology. The only stars I can blame for my failures are those that walk about the stage.
-- Noel Coward

An appeal is when you ask one court to show it's contempt for another court.
-- Finley Peter Dunne

Never judge a book by its movie.
-- J.W. Eagan

History teaches us that men and nations behave wisely once they have exhausted all other alternatives.
-- Abba Eban

Instant gratification takes too long.
-- Carrie Fisher

No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
-- Groucho Marx

I understand the inventor of the bagpipes was inspired when he saw a man carrying an indignant, asthmatic pig under his arm. Unfortunately, the manmade sound never equalled the purity of the sound achieved by the pig.
-- Alfred Hitchcock

A good listener is usually thinking about something else.
-- Kin Hubbard

Nothing is as irritating as the fellow who chats pleasantly while he's overcharging you.
-- Kin Hubbard (sigh - rip off ireland)

Most human beings have an almost infinite capacity for taking things for granted.
-- Aldous Huxley

Everyone has a right to a university degree in America, even if it's in Hamburger Technology.
-- Clive James

Banking establishments are more dangerous than standing armies.
-- Thomas Jefferson (World bank)

The avoidance of taxes is the only intellectual pursuit that carries any reward.
-- John Maynard Keynes

The nice thing about being a celebrity is that when you bore people, they think it's their fault.
-- Henry Kissinger

Ninty percent of the politicians give the other ten percent a bad name.
-- Henry Kissinger

Everyone who ever walked barefoot into his child's room late at night hates Legos.
-- Tony Kornheiser

An economist is a man who states the obvious in terms of the incomprehensible.
-- Alfred A. Knopf

Advertising is a valuable economic factor because it is the cheapest way of selling goods, especially if they are worthless.
-- Sinclair Lewis (JML anyone)

Once a newspaper touches a story, the facts are lost forever, even to the protagonists.
-- Norman Mailer

Not even computers will replace committees, because committees buy computers.
-- Edward Shepherd Mead

Say what you will about the ten commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.
-- H.L. Mencken

Never raise your hand to your children; it leaves your midsection unprotected.
-- Robert Orben

Cab drivers are living proof that practice does not make perfect.
-- Howard Ogden

A financier is a pawnbroker with imagination.
-- Arthur Wing Pinero

Americans will put up with anything provided it doesn't block traffic.
-- Dan Rather

I don't like food that's too carefully arranged; it makes me think that the chef is spending too much time arranging and not enough time cooking. If I wanted a picture I'd buy a painting.
-- Andy Rooney

I want to have children and I know my time is running out: I want to have them while my parents are still young enough to take care of them.
-- Rita Rudner

Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.
-- Rita Rudner

In order to fully realize how bad a popular play can be, it is necessary to see it twice.
-- George Bernard Shaw (or watch Pearl Harbour twice)

The English are not very spiritual people, so they invented cricket to give them some idea of eternity.
-- George Bernard Shaw

If the French were really intelligent, they'd speak English.
-- Wilfred Sheed

The best reason I can think of for not running for president of the United States is that you have to shave twice a day.
-- Adlai Stevenson

Blessed is he who expects nothing, for he shall never be disappointed.
-- Johnathan Swift

Progress was all right. Only it went on too long.
-- James Thurber

I personally think we developed language because of our deep need to complain.
-- Lily Tomlin


Honesty is the best policy -- when there is money in it.
-- Mark Twain

I would like to live in Manchester, England. The transition between Manchester and death would be unnoticeable.
-- Mark Twain (obviously an ABU before it was popular or profitable)

If you can find something everyone agrees on, it's wrong.
-- Mo Udall

A healthy adult male bore consumes each year one and a half times his own weight in other people's patience.
-- John Updike

Today's public figures can no longer write their own speeches or books, and there is some evidence that they can't read them either.
-- Gore Vidal

Having the critics praise you is like having the hangman say you've got a pretty neck.
-- Eli Wallach


Perhaps, after all, America never has been discovered. I myself would say that it merely had been detected.
-- Oscar Wilde

No woman should ever be quite accurate about her age. It looks so calculating.
-- Oscar Wilde

Women are never disarmed by compliments. Men always are. That is the difference between the sexes.
-- Oscar Wilde

Creative semantics is the key to contemporary government; it consists of talking in strange tongues lest the public learn the inevitable inconveniently early.
-- George Will

All the things I really like to do are either illegal, immoral, or fattening.
-- Alexander Wolcott

There's a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.
-- Steven Wright

An incompetent attorney can delay a trial for months or years. A competent attourney can delay one even longer.
-- Evelle J. Younger

It is a fitting irony that under Richard Nixon, 'launder' became a dirty word.
-- William Zinsser