"Mammy's a bisexual"

LadyJ

Ok,so when LadyJ was a babyj,not more than 6,her liberal and open-minded mother decided to explain to her the difference between being homo/hetero and bisexual.
Because she wanted me to grow up being as open-minded as her good self,when I asked which she was,she told me that if she really thought about it she'd probably say bi.... She wasn't of course.
Anyway,a few days later she brought me to some psychology conference with her and while we were eating dinner with a bunch of professors I blurted out "Mammy's a bisexual. What are all of you?"
As my mother dragged me out of the room I screamed "But mammy,you said it was normal to...-" And,with that,her hand closed over my mouth :rolleyes:

Teehee... So I just wondered if any of you have ever embarrassed your parents or if any knowledge they imposed on you ever back-fired on them!

Guy:Incognito

o.....................................k


Not quite as odd, but back in the good old early 80's when I was a nipper I was in the dole office with my dad and asked him very loudly if he was going back to work after lunch. He got a few iffey looks from the people behing the counter. All the rest of the people in the que (who were all in their working gear aswell) started pissing themselves.

LadyJ

Stekelly wrote:

o.....................................k


Not quite as odd, but back in the good old early 80's when I was a nipper I was in the dole office with my dad and asked him very loudly if he was going back to work after lunch. He got a few iffey looks from the people behing the counter. All the rest of the people in the que (who were all in their working gear aswell) started pissing themselves.

Ah yes,perfect!

TerrorFirmer

Well, one time, my dad was talking to this eldery woman. I was about 5.

I asked her what age she was, and she said "I'm 75" or something very close.

Then What did I say?

"Oh - you'll be dead very soon so"

Not quite the same as what the op was about but still, very cringy for my dad.

Another time my sister said to my fat aunt in front of my parents - "Why is your bottom so huge?"

snappieT

Close neighbour is big into Irish, has 8 kids.

Mother bitches about the all the time, walking down to shops we pass by eldest daughter and newest baby. Ask the name, of course it's Irish.

I blurt out "Not another crappy Irish name. Normal names are better"

Cringer!

Guy:Incognito

My little brother came out with a good one about 3 years ago ( he was around 8 at the tiime). My uncles neighbour wa sin his house and there was about 10 or 15 other people there aswell. My brother suddenly announces that the neighbour has a moustach, which wouldnt be a problem except the neighbour happens to be a middle aged woman. Now, in fairness to the lad, she does have a fairly thick pushbroom, but normally out of decency, everyone ignores it. Nobody knew what to say and there was silence for a few seconds till someone burst out laughing and legged it. The gathering kind of broke up after that.

TerrorFirmer

Irish names are shíte though...

Girl names like sinead, cloda, eimear, etc are pretty cool

ciarán, darragh etc - all shíte names id hate to have

Ciaran500

Hey!

my little 8 year old cousin was just after getting sexual education in school, and we were watchin a film in his house. In the film a woman was kicked in the nether regions,

To which my cousin shouted

"Sure that wouldn't hurt, all they have there is bunches of hair"

we all burst our **** silently laughing praying that he didn't see us, it was priceless!

TerrorFirmer

Deleted User wrote:

my little 8 year old cousin was just after getting sexual education in school, and we were watchin a film in his house. In the film a woman was kicked in the nether regions,

To which my cousin shouted

"Sure that wouldn't hurt, all they have there is bunches of hair"

we all burst our **** silently laughing praying that he didn't see us, it was priceless!

Bunches of hair.....priceless

Lorcan26

i used to embarrass my rents all the time. i found a condom in this pub ( i was about 7) and not knowing what it was i brought it out and yelled v.loudly (as little kids do)
"WHATS THIS?!?!?!" my rents were really shocked and looked round were everyone was staring at them. the usual "shut up lorcan, we'll tell you when you're older" stuff ensued. only years later did i relasise what i'd done. my rents used to embarrass me all the time tho so that evened it out. mum yelled out once in the supermarket "do you want some muff" not realising what she'd said. she meant to say muffins....

kjt

Deleted User wrote:

my little 8 year old cousin was just after getting sexual education in school, and we were watchin a film in his house. In the film a woman was kicked in the nether regions,

To which my cousin shouted

"Sure that wouldn't hurt, all they have there is bunches of hair"

we all burst our **** silently laughing praying that he didn't see us, it was priceless!

lmao that was great!!

ExOffender

ExOffender in pram, at Botanic Gardens, as black guy walks past:

That man is a monkey

! Only about 3 or 4, but still... scarla on me! Not to mention the mammy.

LadyJ

Oh another! One time on the dart with my mother(same mother as at start of thread) I asked innocently,but loudly "Mammy,what's rape?". She said she'd tell me later and people started laughing.
After a minute or so,looking suddenly frightened,she added "Why?"

Victor

At: breakfast, me, my sister and 10-year old niece.

Niece: "Mum. Whats an orgasm?"
Sister: "Eh, um ...."
Me [stays very quiet, thinking how great it is to not be a parent]

tba

In Church about 15 years ago during the watcha bit when the priest fellow talks a young child (about 4) says very loudly, so that the whole church can hear.

"Dad when are we doing to to pub?"

*Page*

my daughter got on the bus and shouted that she had seen 3 willy's in school and wanted me to buy her one because

"it looks like more fun than what i have"


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LadyJ

*Page* wrote:

my daughter got on the bus and shouted that she had seen 3 willy's in school and wanted me to buy her one because

"it looks like more fun than what i have"


!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jesus,get her outta that school! Dirty little boys!

*Page*

one time i stood holding up a scottish mans kiltlooking up it i was about 3 and asked my mam why wasn't he wearing knickers

FranknFurter

Getting changed for swimming in the mens changing room when I was about five......

Pointed at this V. fat and VERY hairy guy and shouted to my father who was putting stuff in the locker a few feet away.... "DAD LOOK AT HIM, HES ICKY AN LOOKS LIKE A MONKEY!"................ Then pointed at another guy right next to me, and said "BUT HE LOOKS NICE, WILL MY THING GROW AS BIG AS HIS??"........

None of them knew what to say as I was rushed to the pool! lol

I guess i shouldnt be surprised I never had to come out to them,....... They were never surprised when I introduced boys as "my boyfriend" lol

tinkerbell

Hahaha Oh this thread is absolutely hilarious, I've been laughing my ass off for the last five minutes Keep the funny stories coming!

Tobias Greeshman

When I was about 5 or 6 and in mass with my parents, there was this really ugly looking woman infront of us.

I then said to my parent loudly, "Mammy is that a Man or a Woman!"

The entire church heard me, including the woman who turned around!

joejoem

My own one was at the Irish Open (Golf) when I was around 5. My parents were dragging me around the course while they watched the golf. I still remember the day because I was so scared when everyone gave out to me and my dad had to shout back. I was walking in front of them when I saw a golf ball, I didnt realise thats why we were walking that direction. I thought I had found my father a new present. So I ran on (hearing screams) and picked up the golf ball. when I looked up all these angry red faces were running at me and screaming so I ran to my dad. The golfer (no one still famous) had played a bad ball nto the rough, I had picked it up so he got a free drop onto the fairway. The umpires were screaming at me like I was an adult, while my dad was telling them to shut the fud up, then the golfer turns to his caddy and says "the kid wants a ball? Give him a ball." and the caddy gave me a ball and we all moved on.


The other story - My brother was being picked on by a kid who lived a few doors down. You know the type - the mother is one of those housewives that does nothing but bitch and gossip about how bad other familys are, and how perfect hers is. And of course junior is a little príck. Well my brother came in crying to dad and told him what was happening. Dad said - next time he hits you or picks on you, tighten your hand up into a fist and hit him as hard as you can in the face, he wont bother you again. (this was about 28 years ago bear in mind) with that the bro left the house, walked out the front and saw the bítch and brat standing outside there house talking to some other nieghbours. Bro walked straight up and lamped the brat, knocking him to his ass.

*Page*

in church with my nan and my daughter my daughter say's...

my teacher says that the devil is evil.~to this my nan smiled...
my teacher says he's got horns and is red!!~to this my nan sits and smiles somemore
my teacher showed us a picture.... i think you'd like the devil mam cause you guys like the same colours...{takes a small breath} I think the devil looks a lot cooler than gebus{she cant say it right} ~to this my nan pinches me and tells me to leave...


everyone in the chuch looked at us and there i an standing wearin black and red clothes trying very hard not to smile

Sleepy

I think the devil looks a lot cooler than gebus

Smart kid

Ruadan

When i was about 4/5 me oul fellah used to hang around this garage on occasion talking to the mechanics and the friend of his who owned it, about, eeh whatever guys in their forties talked about in 1988/89

This was of course littered with expletives and me, being the perceptive young being i was picked up on this while playing amongst old car parts with random kids.

So there was quite a while where i wouldn't refer to something as this or that, or the whatever, but everything became "that f*ckin yoke"

I had no idea that this was a bad thing, dad was and is fairly inobservant, and i guess mam musn't have noticed ,untill one day some uncles auntsand cousins were over (can't remember why).

I am presented with a large present wrapped.

me (innocent voice)- Thank you very much, whats this f*ckin yoke?

I got a slap round the ear and my parents got some verry dirty looks!

Pet

I was about 8 years old, on a packed bus on the way home from town. And an ad for "Condom Power" (the sex shop) comes on over the radio..some guy talking about a selection of condoms, exotic costumes, blah this and that and "adult toys". I asked innocently (and in a loud voice) "Mammy what do adults need toys for?"
Cue embarrassed silence from my mother and stifled giggles on the bus..

wheres me jumpa

i cant actually remember this but not long after some kind uncle had thought me to say "fanny" and the gist of what it might be. my mother was discretely changing me in the womens dressing room in mosney. shes finished changing me and starts on my sis.

meanwhile i start to wander and i silently say "she has a fanny". my mother made the mistake of scolding me and making me realise that the last thing i should is say that....

which of course makes you want to say it so bad, the giggling started and i decided to make a break for the centre of the dressing room and shout "she has a fanny". i swear i cant remember it but every now and again i get reminded.

FatherTed

I remember when I was a kid telling my parents that my older brother had grown a beard in the region down below and when was I going to get a beard. Needless to say, my brother gave me a good beating.

tinkerbell

Hahaha @ FatherTed, oh this thread is pure genius, best thread on boards in aaages! Well, according to me anyhoo

Pet

FatherTed wrote:

I remember when I was a kid telling my parents that my older brother had grown a beard in the region down below and when was I going to get a beard. Needless to say, my brother gave me a good beating.

Oh man, that's class.

StupidLikeAFox

In mass one easter (i think)

Priest: Do you renounce satan and all his works?
Cong.: We do
Me: I DON'T

I did it for all the questions he asked, and cue some stifled laughter, dirty looks from the priest etc.

tk123

Ah this thread is class!! Alls I can think of is stuff my nephew aka The Kid did!!Now the kid is Swedish so speaks broken euro-american accenty english and he's picking up most of his english from us...anyhoos he's hanging out watching tv with me and my bro. He's flicking tru the channels shouting boring/crap/stupid each time (we're good at teaching english in our house ) He's flicking away and he gets to MTV and that condom ad is on - the one where the guys are all dressed up as sperms running around and then they're in the giant condom.. anyhoos he gets to it looks puzzled, we exchange glances and then he shouts "boring!! boring tadpole people!!" and switches to the next channel!! ahahahahh

embee

Whats wrong with Irish names?!

Know a woman who has a ten year old daughter who is very worldly wise for her age and is always stating interesting facts she hears here and there. Her mum had just found out she was pregnant with her third child, and was explaining to the 10 year olds 5 year old sister that God had brought the baby and put it in her tummy as a lovely present, when the ten year old blurted out - "Oh for goodness sakes Mammy, EVERYONE knows you get a baby when a man puts his willy inside a woman and wee's in her."

LadyJ

embee wrote:

Whats wrong with Irish names?!

Know a woman who has a ten year old daughter who is very worldly wise for her age and is always stating interesting facts she hears here and there. Her mum had just found out she was pregnant with her third child, and was explaining to the 10 year olds 5 year old sister that God had brought the baby and put it in her tummy as a lovely present, when the ten year old blurted out - "Oh for goodness sakes Mammy, EVERYONE knows you get a baby when a man puts his willy inside a woman and wee's in her."

Oh Christ! Is that really true? Lmao

BlitzKrieg

not really me embarrasing my parents but more of creating a horrible situation long long ago.


late evening. My father has left his jeep in to be repaired and is left with a crappy hatchback (important later) Sooo, he's putting me to bed and being the big kid that he is he is racing me in taking a piss and then running back to my bedroom. While running back past the stairs i give him a push to gain the lead (i was about 8 and greedy) he pretends its a real strong push, leans over the edge of the bannister...but then...becomes aware he cannot come back and...CRASH! he goes over the edge taking curtains and all with him. He's nocked out on the floor...

and dies.

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Not really. HE comes through and the first thing he says. before anything else is. "Where's my jeep?" He had mild amnesia. But all he ever asked about was his jeep. (stupid range rover) nothing else. HE didnt care for me or my sister just that stupid jeep.


other things hmm...i sang the entire singing in the rain song out in the rain while my parents where in a parent teacher meeting.

I knocked out my uncle with a dog dish.

i brought 2 sheep home and put them in our rabbit pen.

i *accidently* invited my entire school (200 students) back to my 6th birthday party.

hmm cant think of much else. but ask if you want me to explain any of the above.

LadyJ

HE comes through

Comes "to",not "through".... Sorry! :rolleyes:

Hobbes

Myself and my sister were forever calling our parents mum/dad. Two of us managed to sneak out in London early in the morning and got lost. Cops found us and in the cop shop asked us what our parents names were.. of course "mum/dad". Parents eventually found us.

So after that they told us to call them by their real names X/Y (names changed ). So no longer allowed to call them mum/dad.

Some months later stuck in a car while the parents are in a shop getting something we are typical screaming and crying and cop comes over.
"Wheres your parents?"
"They left us! *Waaa*"
"Is this thier car?"
"No this is X car"

Cop is confused now and checking up on the car. Parents are back at this stage and the cop goes "Is this mum and dad?"

we go "No they are X and Y". Kept saying they weren't our mum or dad.

The cop would refuse to let them go thinking they had kidnapped us. Took them a while to prove otherwise.

Cecilia

Brilliant thread!!!

I have a story regarding my 5 year-old cousin who came home from school one day, all upset saying his teacher keeps going mad at him for not doing his homework, and had told him he would go to Jail if he didn't do it. I told him he wouldn't go to Jail for not doing his homework, and that his teacher was lying, not thinking anything of it. Needless to say he went in to school the next-day without his homework done and announces to the entire class "Teachers a big Liar!"

joejoem

Pet wrote:

I was about 8 years old, on a packed bus on the way home from town. And an ad for "Condom Power" (the sex shop) comes on over the radio..some guy talking about a selection of condoms, exotic costumes, blah this and that and "adult toys". I asked innocently (and in a loud voice) "Mammy what do adults need toys for?"
Cue embarrassed silence from my mother and stifled giggles on the bus..

I thought condom power opened only 5 years ago??? 5 + 8 = 13?? Wouldnt you still ask questions like that at 13?

Sleepy

BlitzKrieg wrote:

I knocked out my uncle with a dog dish.

I think that warrants further explanation!

Lola123

Was about 5 yrs old an my lil baby bro had just been born. My mom was talking on the phone to one of her friends about how she'd put on so much weight (Brother was a BIG baby!!!) and how she had a spare tyre on her stomach.

Anyway, a few weeks later we were at some relatives birthday party. The whole family were there. Two of my uncles were talking about their cars. Uncle number 1 says to uncle number two " I'm gonna have to fork out for a whole new tyres on the car cos I punctured one of them".

Lil me pipes up "Mommy has a spare tyre on her stomach that she doesn't want so you could have that one".

BlitzKrieg

uncle dog dish one was at halloween when i was 11 i think. My sister had put on a horror marathon with haloween, the shining etc (and some random one about a st bernard with rabies) anyway me and my friend got bored during the rabies one and went out to blow stuff up with fireworks (as little kids do at haloween) while we were during this we saw a masked man breaking into her house, in a rare sign of courage i grabbed the nearest metallic object...a dog dish and chased after him as he entered the room where my sister and her friends were. I jumped him from behind and repeatable hit him over the head with said dogdish. My friend then joined in with a wellington he found. After my sister stopped us it was revealed that it was our uncle trying to play a practical joke on us. (never dawned on me how he could open the front door) We had to ring our mother (a doctor) to come over and have a look at him as he was unconcious...he never lets me forget that night

pickarooney

Trick or treatment for concussion and cranial abrasions.

The dog-film was called 'Cujo'btw

Ruadan

:eek:

Classic, how could one not know Cujo?

best thread i've seen inages!

BlitzKrieg

i was 11...and when one watches the shining, haloween and cujo and a random film about a psycho who is electricuted but comes back to life and kills using the television. ALL IN ONE NIGHT, your little eleven year old brain washes out the trash and keeps the best (Shining and Haloween)

modular

OK, so when I was about 3 or 4, my parents and I used to drive around the country a bit. My Dad didn't keep his language to himself at ALL, referring to tractors as "f***ing eejits", when they blocked the road.

One thing leads to another, we're on my uncle's farm, I leap up onto the tractor "Look! I'm a f***ing eejit!"

TOPDAWG

Got two for ye.
Anyone remember how years and years ago WEETABIX had weetabix characters, basically weetabix cereal with arms and faces etc.... so anyway as most 3/4 year olds when told what something is they are "weetabix men top-pup" (i wasnt quite a dawg then) they come up with what sounds like that in their own head which according to my mother was "TITTY" MEN in my head!! So one day we were up on the top deck of a crowded double decker bus when i spotted one of the giant advertisement hoardings for weetabix and started shouting out and letting all and sundry know to "LOOK AT THE TITTIES. LOOK AT THE TITTIES!" and of course the more a child is told shut up the louder they get and my poor mother was left with a red faced walk of shame off the bus........

2nd one and i still nearly pi$$ myself when i think of this.
When we went on hols years ago our nan was going to look after the house, however as we rushed out we didnt have time to get the house keys to our nan so left them with our neighbours (who arent the skinniest of people.) One of my parents left a voice machine on our nans phone saying tongue in cheek "we left the keys with the fatties next door." So what does nan do turns up with my aunt (who relayed the story back to us) to our house and as they do our not so skinny neighbours are leaving the house, me nan approaches them and says "Hello Mr and Mrs FATTY could i get the keys from ye?" Ya couldnt script it like!!

LadyJ

2nd one and i still nearly pi$$ myself when i think of this.
When we went on hols years ago our nan was going to look after the house, however as we rushed out we didnt have time to get the house keys to our nan so left them with our neighbours (who arent the skinniest of people.) One of my parents left a voice machine on our nans phone saying tongue in cheek "we left the keys with the fatties next door." So what does nan do turns up with my aunt (who relayed the story back to us) to our house and as they do our not so skinny neighbours are leaving the house, me nan approaches them and says "Hello Mr and Mrs FATTY could i get the keys from ye?" Ya couldnt script it like!!

I seriously can't stop laughing! It hurts!

TOPDAWG

LadyJ wrote:

I seriously can't stop laughing! It hurts!

good stuff. i live to give. it took me about ten mins to type it i started laughin so bad.

LadyJ

Jesus,I just read it again and now I can't breath!