"Mammy's a bisexual"

Pet

I thought condom power opened only 5 years ago??? 5 + 8 = 13?? Wouldnt you still ask questions like that at 13?

Hmm, perhaps it wasn't condom power so..but I was definitely around 8 or 9 years old at the time.

2nd one and i still nearly pi$$ myself when i think of this.
When we went on hols years ago our nan was going to look after the house, however as we rushed out we didnt have time to get the house keys to our nan so left them with our neighbours (who arent the skinniest of people.) One of my parents left a voice machine on our nans phone saying tongue in cheek "we left the keys with the fatties next door." So what does nan do turns up with my aunt (who relayed the story back to us) to our house and as they do our not so skinny neighbours are leaving the house, me nan approaches them and says "Hello Mr and Mrs FATTY could i get the keys from ye?" Ya couldnt script it like!!

LOL, comedy gold. I love when old people say stupid things...my family got a great-aunt of mine (who also happens to be a nun) to read out the "I am wee todd did, sofa king wee todd did" thing, everyone was pissing themselves laughing and she didn't have a clue what was going on! I think they actually have it on camera too!

TOPDAWG

LadyJ wrote:

Jesus,I just read it again and now I can't breath!

It one of those ones that pops up every now and then at family gatherings and everyone goes to bits! i reminded everyone at home just now and i think the walls are gonna come down.

LadyJ

I told everyone I know and now I can't talk to them anymore cause nothing I ever say again will top it!

TOPDAWG

It went down well in the changing room at a match this morning as well. Wonder if it'll work on the laydeez just as well. "hey come ere and il tell ya bout my nan......" SLAP!! ...............no it doesnt!!

Tha Gopher

embee wrote:

"Oh for goodness sakes Mammy, EVERYONE knows you get a baby when a man puts his willy inside a woman and wee's in her."

In all fairness, me and my whole class knew all about the proper fookin when we were 7 years old

Well, not all, infact we had some very strange ideas, but we knew a little. By 7 or 8 we certainly knew how to make a baby.......although iirc i thought rubbin your ahem off a birds nether regions was enough to do the job


My ma used to hate it when i was maybe 6 and she would try to get me on a bus or whatever for the under 5s fair and id shout out "im not five im six!"

Another time, when i was about 7, my cousin (who was 8) dared me to knock on the door of a neighbour and ask her if she had any "rubber johnnys"

Dont underestimate little kids, they know alot more than you think. I prolly saw me first *makes whistle sound* when i was 7. Actually, come to think of it it was my best mates sister *loads drunken pisstaking gun*
"Do you...know pal....that the first one that i EVER seen.......was yer sisters?"
Ill hafta edamakate my daughters into not behavin like this
As for my sons if i have any....meh....live and learn lads



And ROFL at Stekellys story, funniest thing ive read in days Bleedin Tallaght heads and their dole scams*

*id be commitin them if this bastard country would let me claim in the first place



EDIT- I now recall a particular anecdote. Me and my mam met heavyweight tv dude Derek Davis (fmr daytime tv presenter) and when he turned round i roared "jaysus hes massive!"
He turned round again and just smiled

Capt'n Midnight

LadyJ wrote:

Oh another! One time on the dart with my mother(same mother as at start of thread)

As opposed another of your mothers I presume..

i R baboon

TOPDAWG wrote:

Got two for ye.
Anyone remember how years and years ago WEETABIX had weetabix characters, basically weetabix cereal with arms and faces etc.... so anyway as most 3/4 year olds when told what something is they are "weetabix men top-pup" (i wasnt quite a dawg then) they come up with what sounds like that in their own head which according to my mother was "TITTY" MEN in my head!! So one day we were up on the top deck of a crowded double decker bus when i spotted one of the giant advertisement hoardings for weetabix and started shouting out and letting all and sundry know to "LOOK AT THE TITTIES. LOOK AT THE TITTIES!" and of course the more a child is told shut up the louder they get and my poor mother was left with a red faced walk of shame off the bus........

2nd one and i still nearly pi$$ myself when i think of this.
When we went on hols years ago our nan was going to look after the house, however as we rushed out we didnt have time to get the house keys to our nan so left them with our neighbours (who arent the skinniest of people.) One of my parents left a voice machine on our nans phone saying tongue in cheek "we left the keys with the fatties next door." So what does nan do turns up with my aunt (who relayed the story back to us) to our house and as they do our not so skinny neighbours are leaving the house, me nan approaches them and says "Hello Mr and Mrs FATTY could i get the keys from ye?" Ya couldnt script it like!!

Very good, when i was 8, my sisters christening was taking place in the local church. i was sittin in the front row with my cousins and all my relatives behind me, when i let, possibly the loudest fart ever, go, and with the aid of the hollow church, it echoed around the building. we had a video recorder wit us and we stil watch it to this day...my sister bein dipped in holy water, when suddenly a loud bluuuurrrrppp noise erupts and the camera turns to the front row to find 5 children in stitches....

Bri

i R baboon wrote:

Very good, when i was 8, my sisters christening was taking place in the local church. i was sittin in the front row with my cousins and all my relatives behind me, when i let, possibly the loudest fart ever, go, and with the aid of the hollow church, it echoed around the building. we had a video recorder wit us and we stil watch it to this day...my sister bein dipped in holy water, when suddenly a loud bluuuurrrrppp noise erupts and the camera turns to the front row to find 5 children in stitches....

Oh man I'm laughing out loud just at the thought.

Isn't it great that Church's provided so many great stories in this thread?

Dizzyblabla

mine is bad....

I was 2, I fell and hit my head off the door and split my forehead, my 8 1/2months pregnant mother brought me to the hospital to get it sorted....
So I'm only two at the time, so you have to remember the times they were, but I informed the doctor that he couldn't operate on me because he was dirty, to which he replied, opening a button on his shirt to show me his chest, "but I'm all black?" with tears rolling down his face he thought I was so funny... that wasn't good enough for me though, I had to help him wash his hands first before I would let him stitch me up!
I'm surprised my mother didn't go into labour she was soo embarrassed!

ha ha, "i'm all black" that's priceless!

TOPDAWG

Dizzyblabla wrote:

So I'm only two at the time, so you have to remember the times they were, but I informed the doctor that he couldn't operate on me because he was dirty, to which he replied, opening a button on his shirt to show me his chest, "but I'm all black?"

OH MY GOD! iv one exactly like that! Iv a best buddy and we met up on the first day of school and he's halfcast. but remember when you were young and every kid hates bathtime?? well i used to tell my mam "i wish i was like him cos his skin is always dirty and he never has to wash"

SpAcEd OuT

embarssing moments for my parents,I can think of one both embarassing and potentially fatal.

when I was about 5 or 6 I was at my dads bar having a coke when the bouncer comes over to my dad and tells him theres a few criminals having a drink in the corner...I wasnt paying much attention,until the bouncer told my dad what they were involved in......he started rambling on....until he said he sells coke,I finished my glass stood up and shouted "dad im finished my coke can I buy some more off that man over there".....

only years later did I find out what I did to my poor dad....one good thing came of it though,the criminal never came back to have a drink there again

banquo

[on a packed bus]: Mammy, where's you vagina?

BossArky

When I was about 6 I was deemed too young to go to a family wedding which my brother was the page boy at (...page boy brings the ring up to the priest). Therefore I was left at the neighbours house for the day and following night. Anyway... my mother had often told me that eating too many sausages was bad..... so when dinner time at the neighbours comes the woman asks me what if I wanted any sausages.... to which I replied "no my mother says that sausages are bad for you". I must have appeared like an ungrateful little child.

Funnily enough, playing with the childen of that neighbour that evening was the first time that I ever heard the word "bored"... it came up when we were playing with some Lego I think (not that I ever found Lego boring).

These were the same neighbours who used to ask me to go and ask my father various expressions in French (I presume they were all dirty / insults).

!

kjt

lmao omg... that was so ****e!!!!!

tk123

Heehee I just taut of one...My nephew was staying with us one time when he was 2 or 3 and my mum decides to bring him to the park. All is well until half way back when he starts to do "the toilet dance" so they're half running back home when my mum decides forget this and tell him to go against the wall in the laneway around the corner.Anyhoos as he's p-ing the person who lives there opens their door to put rubbish out and gives her a filty look - my poor mum was mortified!! hahahaha

i R baboon

tk123 wrote:

Heehee I just taut of one...My nephew was staying with us one time when he was 2 or 3 and my mum decides to bring him to the park. All is well until half way back when he starts to do "the toilet dance" so they're half running back home when my mum decides forget this and tell him to go against the wall in the laneway around the corner.Anyhoos as he's p-ing the person who lives there opens their door to put rubbish out and gives her a filty look - my poor mum was mortified!! hahahaha

ha ha ha,very good, must have been an awkward moment. on monday i finished college forever and like any student, went mental on the beer, and went to a house party that night, so in the sitting room which was full of people, i decided to take a little nap right in the center of the floor, but it wasnt long til i was woken by everyones laughter, my best friend had covered me in shavin foam, fortunately, i had woken before they started shavin stuff. then we had a game of dares (how mature am i!!!), i was dared to take my pants down around my ankles, put my top over my head and do the macerana (cant even spell it, ya know that dance), proudly i did it in the center of the group. them were simpler times, all three nights ago.

Larianne

Didn't happen to me but the family I use to babysit.

The youngest was 5 at the time and would pick things up from his older brothers and sister. And obviously picked up or was thought by his siblings 'the finger'.

The family would always go to mass on a sunday morning and sit up the front. One Sunday morning, 'David' stood up on the seat and started giving 'the finger' to the whole congregation!! Scarlah for da parents!

Atlas_IRL

one time at band camp!


One time my parents wanted me to have a bath, i used to hate them(was young at the time) and i ran naked straight out the front door and halfway across the park with all my friends there breakin their ****e laughing!

Still gets brought up at birthdays( my mates 20th her sisters couldnt stop laughing at it

Victor

Larianne wrote:

Didn't happen to me but the family I use to babysit. The youngest was 5 at the time and would pick things up from his older brothers and sister. And obviously picked up or was thought by his siblings 'the finger'. The family would always go to mass on a sunday morning and sit up the front. One Sunday morning, 'David' stood up on the seat and started giving 'the finger' to the whole congregation!! Scarlah for da parents!

A four year old decided to give me the finger on the DART. What she didn't realise was gesticulating with your little finger isn't all that offensive.

Larianne

Victor wrote:

A four year old decided to give me the finger on the DART. What she didn't realise was gesticulating with your little finger isn't all that offensive.

LOL

i R baboon

Atlas_IRL wrote:

one time at band camp!


One time my parents wanted me to have a bath, i used to hate them(was young at the time) and i ran naked straight out the front door and halfway across the park with all my friends there breakin their ****e laughing!

Still gets brought up at birthdays( my mates 20th her sisters couldnt stop laughing at it

i used to sleep walk when i was younger, one night i was asleep and my parents were watchin tv when my dad said to my mom 'did you hear the front door open there', so they wondered out to find the front door wide open and me standing at the end of our drive, wait it gets better, in my jocks with my blanket grasped tightly under my arm, can see the headline in the paper now, local boy found wondering the streets with no clothes and nothing but a blanket with him

Squirrel

Dizzyblabla wrote:

mine is bad....

I was 2, I fell and hit my head off the door and split my forehead, my 8 1/2months pregnant mother brought me to the hospital to get it sorted....
So I'm only two at the time, so you have to remember the times they were, but I informed the doctor that he couldn't operate on me because he was dirty, to which he replied, opening a button on his shirt to show me his chest, "but I'm all black?" with tears rolling down his face he thought I was so funny... that wasn't good enough for me though, I had to help him wash his hands first before I would let him stitch me up!
I'm surprised my mother didn't go into labour she was soo embarrassed!

I've done that, it was a nurse, I was there for half an hour with a scrubbing brush trying to vlean her hands, poor woman. I was sitting in mass 1 day with my brother and some random old woman was sitting on the other end of the bench, and I let out a nice fart, no noise, but it shook the bench, me and my brother were in stitches and we hear some surpressed lauhter and turn to see this 70 odd year old woman with tears running down her cheeks laughing

kawaii

MobileInfantry wrote:

ciarán, darragh etc - all shíte names id hate to have

lol. You just named my cousins.

LadyJ

Yay! It's back!

Mossy Monk

when i was 2 i told a priest to **** off to the embarrassment of my mother

up for anything

Just come across this thread. My youngest son at three has never had his hair cut, it falls in lovely curls down his back and he's always being mistaken for a girl. Today in the supermarket a lady remarked on what a pretty girl he was and he looked at her, pulled down his pants a bit and waggled his willy at her and said "I'm not a girl". I'm still laughing. Apparently his older brothers have been teaching him to do that.

qz

up for anything wrote:

Just come across this thread. My youngest son at three has never had his hair cut, it falls in lovely curls down his back and he's always being mistaken for a girl. Today in the supermarket a lady remarked on what a pretty girl he was and he looked at her, pulled down his pants a bit and waggled his willy at her and said "I'm not a girl". I'm still laughing. Apparently his older brothers have been teaching him to do that.

:eek: Genius!

LadyJ

up for anything wrote:

Just come across this thread. My youngest son at three has never had his hair cut, it falls in lovely curls down his back and he's always being mistaken for a girl. Today in the supermarket a lady remarked on what a pretty girl he was and he looked at her, pulled down his pants a bit and waggled his willy at her and said "I'm not a girl". I'm still laughing. Apparently his older brothers have been teaching him to do that.

ROFL

up for anything

That's boys for you. I dread to think what they'll be like in ten years!!

LadyJ

up for anything wrote:

That's boys for you. I dread to think what they'll be like in ten years!!

Don't worry,I rarely ask psychology professors about their sexuality anymore so I'm sure your kids will be fine!

20 Times 20 Times

well it wasnt with my parents was in mass with my cousin and god father when my cousin went up for his "bread" i jumped up and shouted "ask him for some jam on it "

i never made my communion at that stage so didnt understand the whole bread thing :eek:

Tippex

This one happened to me last sunday.

We were at my nephews christening in a church we had never been to before and a priest who we were warned likes to go on a bit.
Anyway my 3 year old half way through started to tell me he wants to go home now. I told him that we would be going soon and asked if he was bored and he said yes.
A couple of minutes passed and then he got his voice and proceeded to sing Bob the Builder.

I so struggled to stop myself from p***ing myself laughing.

Liquorice

A few years ago on Christmas I was in the church with my cousin who was about 3 or 4 at the time. She had some problems pronouncing her 'tr's, tree turned into fee, trick turned into fick etc.

People were just clearing out after mass and I was standing around with her and the other cousins looking after them while the adults were chatting. So the priest comes over to us and starts asking us what we got for Christmas. Finally he comes to the aforementioned cousin.

"What did Santa bring you?"
"A f***"
"A book?"
"No, a f***"
"A what?"
"He got me a f***!"
"A frock?"
At which she shouts "WOULD YOU LISTEN, HE GOT ME A F***!"

The priest turns to me and when I manage to stop laughing I told him that she got a truck that she could pedal like a bike.

WhiteWashMan

i once put the sprinkler on in my living room to 'water the furniture'.
i think i was about 5.

therecklessone

Grandmother to me, a while back...

"What'a a paedophile"?

Me to ground:

"Swallow me up,please..."

banquo

On the bus, after seeing a documentry on African poverty, I announced to an unsuspecting black man: "You're poor."

Also on the bus, to an indian lady, "You make tea...[lady smiles benevolently]...with monkies."

Capt'n Midnight

How to misquote people.

Lesson 5

therecklessone wrote:

"What'a a paedophile"?

Me to ground:

"Swallow me up,please..."

Le Rack

emm about a year ago, I was sitting in the front room with my parents, I came across the word "nymphomaniac" in my book, so I blurted out what a nympho. After a few seconds o not getting a reply I knew something was up. I looked at mam, she looked at dad, he looked back. Mam : "Would you like to tell your daughter what that is?"
Dad : "Mother tell your daughter what a nympho is" this tennis went on for a while with those exact words finally, mam looked at me "Its a person that likes a lot of sex", I was 16, and I dont know who was redder me or her!

Shrimp

When I was about 3 I think, I said to my dads friend..

"Why do you always have to come when we are eating dinner?" I said it in a real sarcastic tone though

also I said to another friend of my dads..

(He was reaching for an apple) "Thats our last apple, you cant eat it, go home and have your own!" I was also about 3 then, I was a little harsh back then..

But then again (off topic) i was not that hard, one time I was coming up to an esculator (sp?) and I remember not going on it, my mom didn't know that i stopped, she kept walking ahead, it was only when she was at the bottom did she realise that i was still at the top. I was a fool, cos there were steps just to the left of the esculator.

Pet

banquo wrote:

On the bus, after seeing a documentry on African poverty, I announced to an unsuspecting black man: "You're poor."

Also on the bus, to an indian lady, "You make tea...[lady smiles benevolently]...with monkies."

lol, good one.

therecklessone

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

How to misquote people.

Lesson 5

:eek:

Dirty fecker...

The Bollox

it's not great, you had to be there I think

but about 5 years ago I was in the church at my cousins baptism.

my mom was sitting beside me and she let a fart, not a loud one, but you would be able to hear it. she looked behind her instincivly (she does it every time she farts to try and blame someone else) and the person she stared at was my cousin who was about 11/12 at the time. his mother saw my mom staring at him and saw him sniggering so she(my aunt) said "did you fart!?" and as he was saying "no" she gave him a clip around the ear saying "that's disgusting!" my mom turned back and could barely keep a straight face.

she got a lot of slagging over that! and still does

skyhighflyer

Back when I was around 4 or 5 (would have been 1990 or so), I remember that the thing to do around our neighbourhood back then was to write 'SEX IS COOL' on the walls. Anyway, having noticed the 'big boys' doing this for a while, all the time having no idea what the phrase actually meant... I decided I'd have a go myself.

So I was at my Gran's house and she used to keep a whiteboard with a marker on the wall beside the phone for writing numbers on it. So I write 'SEX IS COOL' in big letters on the board. The oul chap came in and was fcukin mortified, I think my Gran actually found it funnier!:D

LadyJ

What a resurrection!

Shabadu

When I was 11, I had 1st aid training followed by swimming lessons about a twenty minute drive away. To save time, and so I wouldn't be too late for the lesson, I used to wear my swimming togs under my clothes. One morning, I was in a rush to get my clothes off and into the pool, and was walking quickly around to the side of the pool to dive in. I heard this laughing from everyone, and wondered what was going on, until I looked down and realised I was still wearing my knickers over my swimming togs.

I still feel like crying when I remember it.

TheVan

I'm sure it's not the worst thing here but it does conform to the "embarassing your parents" thing!

When I was 3 I managed to dial 999 on the phone and get the fire brigade out to the house!

Civilian_Target

Shabadu wrote:

When I was 11, I had 1st aid training followed by swimming lessons about a twenty minute drive away. To save time, and so I wouldn't be too late for the lesson, I used to wear my swimming togs under my clothes. One morning, I was in a rush to get my clothes off and into the pool, and was walking quickly around to the side of the pool to dive in. I heard this laughing from everyone, and wondered what was going on, until I looked down and realised I was still wearing my knickers over my swimming togs.

I still feel like crying when I remember it.

I did worse. When I was about 9 I went to go to swimming lessons in the morning. I went to have a pee before going out as usual but forgot to put my togs back on... damn.

PlayGirl

this thread should def be in humour form...


GENIUS!!!

The Bollox

oh God I remember one concerning me

back about 9 years ago (I would have been anout 10 at the time) I was staying in my gran's house. I did it a few times before. anyway my gran had Sky and being a 10 year old, curious about the female form, I would sneak down at midnight and watch the 10 min preview on The Adult Channel. after a few times doing this I decided to tape it. it worked the first time, but the second time I left the tape there. I asked my dad to take me down the next day to get it back. my aunt was there aswell. I just said I am looking for the tape I left when my granny said. "Dermot! (my oul fella) could you have a look at our video recorder, I think there's something wrong with it. I went to watch the Coronation Street I taped over the week, and what was on the tape? WOMEN!" now my face went scarla so I shoved it into the tape cabinet to so one would see it, I had to pinch my nose really hard to stop myself from laughing. when I emerged my aunt said, through laughter "it must have been set to the wrong station or something" out of the corner of my eye I could see my dad looking at me quizzically, so I produced a random tape, said it was mine and left.

I forgot all about that incident for years! and while writing it I was in convultions