"Mammy's a bisexual"

qz

Can't believe this thread has survived. One of the bast ever in AH imo!

toffeapple

3 or 4 christmass ago we were all around at my Aunties having afew drinks after our christmas dinner...so the kids are upstairs running amuck which my aunt doesnt mind cos she's had a few...next thing 2 of my wee cousins (probably 3 and 5 ) come runnning into the room fighting over this long black vibrating object..yes you guessed its a massive dildo..the older one keeping it in the air from the small one..so my aunt has to intervene and you should off seen her face when she realised what it was..of course we are all cracking up,my brother was intears...ME Granny keeps saying "whats that they have mairead?" appartenly she got it as a joke kris krindle in the office and didnt hide iit properly...hmmmmmmmmm

I remmeber when Return of the Jedi came out..iwas about 8 or 9 cant remember..but i was begging my aul man to bring me and my brothers to see it..we were just back from swimming so i still had my trunks on..so my aul says..."if you run down to Giles house and back in the rain with just your trunks on il bring you today..." so i says right no problem so out i go in just my trunks and run down to giles and back..but when i get back He's locked the door!! so im out side crying on the front steps"let me in let me in" and my aulfella and older brother are cracking up looking out the sitting room window..my older brother with his head out the sitiing room window shouting" look at this ejet in his pants" they left me out there for about 10 minutes..is it any wonder im f*cked up...he never even brought me to return of the jedi my uncle did....but he had to bribe me with 2 games for my 2600 atari so i wouldnt tell me Ma.

lost_soul

When my brother was around 3 or 4 my dad had to go to a funeral. he couldnt get a babysitter so he decided to bring my brother. When they were inside the funeral home my brother kept saying Daddy, daddy look there a dead man in there, theres a dead man in there. He kept repeating it louder and louder. My dad was obviouly trying to keep him quiet as the family was quiet upset but the funnier thing is was that it was actually a dead woman!!

kjt

That's funny?

ExoduS 18.11

LadyJ wrote:

Ok,so when LadyJ was a babyj,not more than 6,her liberal and open-minded mother decided to explain to her the difference between being homo/hetero and bisexual.
Because she wanted me to grow up being as open-minded as her good self,when I asked which she was,she told me that if she really thought about it she'd probably say bi.... She wasn't of course.
Anyway,a few days later she brought me to some psychology conference with her and while we were eating dinner with a bunch of professors I blurted out "Mammy's a bisexual. What are all of you?"
As my mother dragged me out of the room I screamed "But mammy,you said it was normal to...-" And,with that,her hand closed over my mouth :rolleyes:

Teehee... So I just wondered if any of you have ever embarrassed your parents or if any knowledge they imposed on you ever back-fired on them!

I'm quite sure i heard that in a joke before?

jonny68

Stekelly wrote:

o.....................................k


Not quite as odd, but back in the good old early 80's when I was a nipper I was in the dole office with my dad and asked him very loudly if he was going back to work after lunch. He got a few iffey looks from the people behing the counter. All the rest of the people in the que (who were all in their working gear aswell) started pissing themselves.

cheekyass

When I was quiet young my mother's company always had a childrens christmas party, (santa was there and all the kids of other people who worked there were all there too).

A couple of days before the xmas party, I found a packet of condoms in the house. Couldnt figure out what they were so on closer inspection I made a couple of my own guesses....

I arrived to the party with my barbie, who looked very spiffy with her socks and her hat which were......yes you guessed it....were the condoms ! I showed all the other little girls how posh my barbie was with her spiffy accessories, and readily showed anyone who showed the slightest bit of interest, mum finally got wind of what I was showing the other little girls.......

crazy_dude6662

when i was 5 or 6 i was standing in que with my mum in some clothes shop,
there was a woman in a wheel chair and i said really loudly "why is she in a chair with wheels? is she too lazy to walk??" my mum had to leave her things and leave.

When i was younger i used to "run away" i would get a towel, pack ornements, wrap them up then walk down the road and hide in a garden until i got bored or hungry, the funny thing was, they could still see me.

peckerhead

I was getting a taxi out of Limerick (as you do) and on the way out the Dock Road my 7-year-old asked me 'Dad, why are all those ladies standing on the side of the road like that?'

'Oh, they're just waiting for their husbands to pick them up after work', sez I. At which point the taxi driver turns to me and says 'Sir, why don't you tell her the truth? Why don't you tell her they're prostitutes?'

'Dad, what's a prostitute?'
'Ehm, well, they're ladies who have sex with men for money.'
'And what's sex?'
'Ah, that's what a man and a lady do if they want to have a baby.'
'So — do prostitutes have babies?' she asks, wide-eyed.

'Of course, love — where do you think taxi drivers come from?'

:v: :v: :v: :v: :v: :v: :v: :v: :v:

Scraggs

This is one of the funniest threads ever!
LOL at peckerhead btw feckin hilarious....

dubtom

A friend on the top deck of a packed bus with her 3 year old, front seat, the little one says at the top of her voice, Mammy, did you did farted.
Cringe.

bounty_hunter

TheVan wrote:

I'm sure it's not the worst thing here but it does conform to the "embarassing your parents" thing!

When I was 3 I managed to dial 999 on the phone and get the fire brigade out to the house!

My younger brother did similar when he was about two. We were living in London at the time and he somehow managed to actually climb a shelving unit to get to the phone and rang the police. Fearing the poor child had been abandoned, or something equally as terrible, they rushed to the house. After several minutes of knocking with no reply they broke down the door, only to find my brother sitting happily beside the phone and my dad on the toilet. My poor dad got a very stern warning about leaving children unsupervised and only very narrowly managed to avoid a huge fine because they were so amused by his retorts of "I was taking a ****ing sh*t!".

TwistsAndTurns

A cousin of mine received a phone call on christmas morning from the local radio station which is a thing they do every christmas. They asked to speak to one of his children live on radio regarding the presents he received off santa. So it went like this, the presenter asked him how old he was and was he very excited about christmas, he then asked about what presents he received from santa, the boy who`s nearly 5 told him he got loads of PS games and toys and DVDs, the presenter asked what DVDs did he got. He replied I got King Kong, the presenter asked are you sure as its not in the cinema yet (laughing), the child replied, my dad works with a man that was able to give Santa a copy for me. With that my cousin hung up and you could hear the presenters roar with laughter on the radio. Oh to be a child and innocent!

Ruu_Old

think everyones been through this situation. you're at the shops with your Mam and see some sweeties you like, of course your friend "Jimmy" gets one but if you ask for one, all you get is a red cheek and cue "Jimmy" pissing himself with laughter.:)

toffeapple

Ruu wrote:

think everyones been through this situation. you're at the shops with your Mam and see some sweeties you like, of course your friend "Jimmy" gets one but if you ask for one, all you get is a red cheek and cue "Jimmy" pissing himself with laughter.:)

are you smoking crack? if so can i have some

Ruu_Old

toffeapple wrote:

are you smoking crack? if so can i have some

youd have to be on something to be up this late

toffeapple

i wont comment this is a family show

tba

im on my ass

toffeapple

i am too fu'ked..or did his post sound like the mad ramblings of an acid comedown..no offence Ruu...but qhy was jummy there? why the red cheek? why did jimmy get some and of what? i think im losing it...

stormkeeper

up for anything wrote:

Just come across this thread. My youngest son at three has never had his hair cut, it falls in lovely curls down his back and he's always being mistaken for a girl. Today in the supermarket a lady remarked on what a pretty girl he was and he looked at her, pulled down his pants a bit and waggled his willy at her and said "I'm not a girl". I'm still laughing. Apparently his older brothers have been teaching him to do that.

I did something similar when I was younger, but not like that though... can't remember it now, but I was mistaken for a girl by someone as well. I actually had the nickname "The Doll" because of my eyelashes... which is prolly why I ended up being made to play as Mary for the Xmas play in an all-boys primary school.

Cutie18Ireland

Kennett wrote:

I did something similar when I was younger, but not like that though... can't remember it now, but I was mistaken for a girl by someone as well. I actually had the nickname "The Doll" because of my eyelashes... which is prolly why I ended up being made to play as Mary for the Xmas play in an all-boys primary school.

you think thats bad?? i was prince charming in my school play!! cause i was the tallest!! had to wear a frilly shirt and dance around the p.e hall with a girl i hated!!

deisemum

I came back to Ireland when I was getting married. The evening before the wedding a number of female friends and neighbours came round and I was tried on my wedding dress for a final check. Next thing my 5 year old sister barges in with a handful of my honeymoon lingerie and toys (we're not talking Smyths here). My father did not know where to look. My mother and I snatched the goods much to the amusement of everyone present. You can imagine some of the comments that a couple of the guests shouted next day during the speeches.

hullaballoo

This thread is amazing.

When I was about 5 or 6, my mum took my to the aquarium. I thought it was fantastic and was pretty hyper. We were looking at a tank with sea-snails and other crustaceans and there was one with particularly elongated tenticles, so I shouted at the top of my lungs "Mommy, mommy, look at the testicles on that guy!!"

Needless to say she brings it up with every friend of mine she meets to this day to give me my comeuppance![FONT=&quot][/FONT]

Lone Wolf

I had to revive this genius thread

When I was 3 or so at the doctors the nurse as asking me a few questions
Nurse: So what are your ears for? Me: Hearing
Nurse:What are your eyes for? Me:Seeing
Nurse: Whats your nose for? Me: Picking

My mum never lets me live it down

MrJoeSoap

ExOffender wrote:

ExOffender in pram, at Botanic Gardens, as black guy walks past:

"That man is a monkey!"

! Only about 3 or 4, but still... scarla on me! Not to mention the mammy.

I did the exact same...

Bogus

Another one in a church. My son (now 25), when he was a toddler, decided to announce loudly, for no apparent reason that "grandma hasn't got a penis". It was during one of those quite moments where the expression seemed to echo around the church for about half an hour.

Dyr

I went one better. Back in the 80's my uncle had an all black dog that he "wittily" christened "ni**er". Now, me and my sister had no idea what n***er meant other than that it was the name of this dog.

So we were out walking it one day and the shagger refuse's to come back to us. We're screaming across the field "HEEEERREEE N***ER, get over here now n***er, bad! bad n***er!!" etc etc and sure enough, the only black woman within four square miles walks past the fecking mutt. As it happen's her son was in my class so the Ma got an earful off her the next day over her racist kids. She was mortified of course but thankfully my sister got most the blame as she was older

r3nu4l

Now this thread is a good example of how dragging up an old thread can be good!

My aunt and uncle always had a new car, new furniture went on holidays etc in the 80's when most people were lucky just to have a job. So my Mam and Dad were discussing how my uncle could afford all of this stuff and the new (big) car they got and my Mam says:

There's something fishy about him and his new car."

Course, little r3nu4l overheard the conversation and when my uncle and aunt visited to show off the car, I walk over smell the car, smell my uncle and announce:

"Mammy, you're wrong. I can't smell anything fishy about Uncle John or the car!"

mytummyhurts

this thread is too good not to revive!!!

ok i have a one...

My sisters friend is pregnant with baby #2, baby #1 is only 2 and is very inquisitave (sp???) she asks her mammy how the baby got in her belly (as all kids do) and her mammy replies daddy put it there as a present... mammy isnt very pregnant at this stage and has morning sickness so one day they were in town with me and my sister and baby #1 decides to tell the nice lady in the shop we were in that her daddy was really mean bacause he was lying on top of her mammy (how she knew that is still a mystery) and then he put a baby in her belly and now his "present" makes mammy sick!!!
She was mortified, grabbed the child and ran out the door me and my sister were pi$$in ourselves!!!


Kids say the funniest things!!!

Wurly

Age circa 5 - I said to my mother's best friend - 'Nora, how come you're so fat?'. Can you imagine the embarrassment for my poor mother.

Also, when i was about 4, I was in a chemist with my mother and spotted this big make up set thing.. I asked her could I have it and she said no. I big fat took it anyway and I don't know how she didn't notice that I left with it under my arm. About 30 mins later, I was sitting at the end of the stairs looking like less like a beauty queen and more like Stephen King's 'It'.

She had to bring me done up like a dog's dinner and the smashed up beauty set back to the chemist and profusely apologise.

Kept that woman on her toes, so I did.:D

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Lorcan26 wrote: »

i used to embarrass my rents all the time. i found a condom in this pub ( i was about 7) and not knowing what it was i brought it out and yelled v.loudly (as little kids do)
"WHATS THIS?!?!?!" my rents were really shocked and looked round were everyone was staring at them. the usual "shut up lorcan, we'll tell you when you're older" stuff ensued. only years later did i relasise what i'd done. my rents used to embarrass me all the time tho so that evened it out. mum yelled out once in the supermarket "do you want some muff" not realising what she'd said. she meant to say muffins....

You're what? Couldn't you take the time to make this post less of an eyesore for those reading it? Have some consideration,

mytummyhurts

Trí wrote: »

Age circa 5 - I said to my mother's best friend - 'Nora, how come you're so fat?'. Can you imagine the embarrassment for my poor mother.

I did the same thing when I was around 3/4 my mother's best friend was pregnant with twins we met her one day in town and I roared "why are you so fat" in front of many many people... my mother was mortified and I still get reminded of this at gatherings birthdays/Xmas etc...:D:D

stovelid

When I was a very young kid (in England), one of my mum's closest friends (and colleague) was a Caribbean woman. Her surname was Brown, and my mum always called her Mrs Brown when talking to me. Don't think I have to spell out the highly embarrassing question that followed.

Turd Ferguson

Aden Hollow Streamer wrote: »

You're what? Couldn't you take the time to make this post less of an eyesore for those reading it? Have some consideration,

Give the guy a break. He hasnt logged in to boards for 4 years!!!!!!

00112984

Always loved Franknfurters stories.

Years ago, my sister-in-law got a new handbag that had a little notebook attached to the front in a zipped pocket. My niece was 6 at the time and was really taken with this notebook.

Niece: "Mum, can I have your notebook when you die?"
SIL: "Of course"
Niece: "Good. Don't use all the pages so".

m5ex9oqjawdg2i

Turd Ferguson wrote: »

Give the guy a break. He hasnt logged in to boards for 4 years!!!!!!

GOOD!!!

parents taught me to drive at 11, got grounded for 9 months when i was 15 for takin the car out..

eejits shouldn't have taught me to drive

Das Kitty

My father is a very irresponsible parent, in more ways than I'd like to get into.

There is one story that doesn't get my hackles up though.

When my eldest brother was small in the late 70s my Dad used to take him for a drive and teach him his racist and misogynistic ways, completely unbeknown to my mother.

He was rumbled the day they were picking my maternal grandmother up from the train station. They stopped at a pedestrian crossing and a girl in a short skirt crossed in front of the car. My brother (aged about 5) proclaimed.

"Would you look at the arse on that, Granny, I'd love to ride the hole off her!"

My poor mortified mother.

Hellrazer

Worst one for me was after going to get a movie in xtravision for the kids.I pick up the case off a movie and ask the daughter is shes seen it.

Yeah you downloaded it from <dodgy torrent site> for me last week dad.

The looks I got from the staff :o

stovelid

Das Kitty wrote: »

"Would you look at the arse on that, Granny, I'd love to ride the hole off her!"

Excellent Da to have, imo.

Stephen P

When my nephew was about 4 he was with my sister in the local Garda station getting some forms signed. He was wearing a Superman raincoat that had a cape on the back of it. A woman in the waiting room wanting to break the silence said to him "Oh are you Superman?", my nephew replied in the most sarcastic voice "No I'm just a little boy in a raincoat". My sister didn't know where to put her face

phasers

This thread is at least 90% bullsh*t.

I didn't embarrass my parents

ScumLord

Aparently I used to hate church as a child and would scream as soon as I entered the building and wouldn't stop till we left.

I was told that one day I broke free and grabbed an old mans walking stick to keep the parents at bay. When the old man tried to get his stick back I hit him with it and ran up to the alter. The priest thought this was a great sign that all children came to Jesus.

Rowley Birkin QC

A daughter of friends of my aunt is absolutely priceless. They are the kind of couple that will "fight" in front of everyone but theres never any meaning in it, great couple all in all.

Anyway they have a 4 year old girl and after overhearing mam and dad shouting abuse at each other she was asked in play-school what her parents worked at " Daddy says mammy is only good for lying on her back"!!

Anytime that there is football or any kind of sport on tv she launches into a routine of "Go on.......go on.......go on........... ah fcuk it anyway, that refs only a bollox!".

dfx-

ColHol wrote: »

In mass one easter (i think)

Priest: Do you renounce satan and all his works?
Cong.: We do
Me: I DON'T

I did it for all the questions he asked, and cue some stifled laughter, dirty looks from the priest etc.

Maybe it's my toothache or the lack of sleep, but that is the funniest thing I've read in a long while..

When I was about two or three they had the camera out filming me doing a jigsaw puzzle, places in africa
all going merrily along until I can't find one piece and ask loudly "where the f* is chad??"
been slagged about that one for a long time...

I remember accosting one of my mothers friends on the loo, when we were having a party once. I was maybe 3 or 4. She was morto.
I was curious about muffs, so I was studiously inspecting hers and I told her off when she asked me to leave.

She brought me bosco toys too.....bet she was sorry she bothered after!

spinandscribble

i was at a speech therapist as my mom was convinced something was wrong with me and my sister because we spoke very little and had our own language. We were three.

we go and sit inside and my mothers called in a few minutes later.
"why, that was quick"
"you're twins are smart. a bit too smart."
"oh mommy look at the state of this place! theres cobwebs in every corner! "points* there is no way we're going to sit in here. don't worry, we told her already"
"yeah we're not coming back here!"

my mother says she has never been so embarrassed in her whole life. She's a clean freak so what did she expect?? very similar thing happened in my uncles house when we told him to get a new wife because the place was far too dusty.

Da Bounca

As a youngster me da used to bring me with him to the pub the odd time. I'd get filled full of crisps and fizzy's and have a great auld banter with all the folks there. Twas brilliant.
Anyways, one day while in mass me da was supporting me while I was standing on top of the back of the seat in front of us. It was a standing part of the sermon, so as some folks do, they hold their youngsters up so they can see whats goin on and what not. So I must have been getting tetchy or something because all of a sudden I yelled out "Daddy, I wanna go to the pub!".

Well he said he's never been as mortified as that day. I only found this out recently enough as well, I piled over laughing. He told it far better than I did.

Six of One

At the market with Bray in ye olden times with Auntie M. She was buying tealight candles, 20 for a pound. The stall lady gave her the bag and let her work away. I stood beside her fascinated counting along. At the end I said in a kind of nudge-nudge wink-wink way to M that, "I saw". Her, shocked, "What?". I stage whispered that she had put twentyone candles in, thinking it was all great fun. The stall lady was looking on and was as embarrassed as Auntie M saying that it was okay and it didn't matter. Never forget the mortification all round as M emptied out the bag and counted each candle back in aloud to prove her honesty!