relationships

jenny dublin

im thinking about getting into a relationship with a man who is alot older than me. does anyone have any experience or advice on the matter?

Canis Lupus

What's your age, whats his age?

jenny dublin

im 20 hes 54

sprinkles

That is a huge gap.

Do you actually see this relationship going anywhere?

If you don't mind it then I don't see why you shouldn't go out with him, but people will judge you, nothing you can do about that.

embee

I don't think that could work out to be honest, but we don't know much about the situation. Has he ever been married, divorced, has he got kids etc.... All those factors would influence whether or not it was going places. I imagine if he does have kids, they could potentially be very close to your own age... too complicated in my eyes.

LadyJ

I say if you really love him and can see this lasting then go for it. However,I'm your age and I know that a lot of people at our age can't really find it in them commit fully(and I guess that's fine because you're only young once). However,think about this man,he's been young and is probably looking to settle down. Can you really see yourself staying with him? When you're 30 he'll be 64! And I don't think it's fair to waste someone's time at that age.
Also,maybe this is not true for you but,I think I'd like to grow old with my partner,not years afterwards.
Good luck whatever you do though:D

ApeXaviour

Rule is "half your age and add 7". I'm afraid this breaks the rule.. 34 is the youngest he should be going out with.

However, rules were made to be broken. If it's a fling, fling away is my advice.. If you're expecting something long-term out of it urmm... I don't think it's a good idea, though I cant for the life of me think of a solid-concrete reason why.

Only Human

If you realy like him age shouldn't be a problem. <

---

only applies to those above 18

sprinkles

ApeXaviour wrote:

However, rules were made to be broken. If it's a fling, fling away is my advice.. If you're expecting something long-term out of it urmm... I don't think it's a good idea, though I cant for the life of me think of a solid-concrete reason why.

Touche!

Canis Lupus

Waaaaaaaaaay too big a gap. I mean kudos to the man. When I'm 54 I'd like to be scoring 20 year olds (actually at 24 I'd like to be scoring 20 year olds.... or just scoring regularly for that matter) but seriously your man is plenty old enough to be your father. So don't go prove Freud right. Find someone your own age.

I can't see your family being too happy either.

jenny dublin

i understand what people are saying but i mean i think this is just a unique situation. does anyone know of any people that are/where in a relationship with such an age gap?

LadyJ

Canis Lupus wrote:

Waaaaaaaaaay to big a gap. I mean kudos to the man. When I'm 54 I'd like to be scoring 20 year olds (actually at 24 I'd like to be scoring 20 year olds.... or just scoring regularly for that matter) but seriously your man is plenty old enough to be your father. So don't go prove Freud right. Find someone your own age.

I can't see your family being too happy either.

Good point with the father thing. MAYBE you're just craving the attention of an older man. It happens,even though you may not realise it.Be sure he's not taking advantage of this.
But christ,if it's a fling,go for it! He's 54,he must be good in bed by now!

Boston

Please stop with the psychoanalytical bull**** about father issues. Maybe she realises most men around her own age are fairly immature and fairly boring guys. Nothing wrong with an older man who knows how to treat a lady right, sex is probably allot better as well. Sure go for it. You're young and you have nothing to loose, it's not like your planning to start a family with the guy. It's not like you have anything better to do with the next 12 - 18 months of you're life, do yea?

ApeXaviour

LadyJ wrote:

But christ,if it's a fling,go for it! He's 54,he must be good in bed by now!

As stated before I concur.. Good to see a woman agree with this.

LiouVille wrote:

most men around her own age are fairly immature and fairly boring guys.

Like ourselves Liou?

LadyJ

Unfortunately this "psychological bull****" is very true in a lot of cases. Perhaps not in this situation but it happens! She should at least be aware of it.

Boston

ApeXaviour wrote:

Like ourselves Liou?

We are diamonds in the rough Dec, Diamonds. But I look around at allot of guys my ages and I think women would be insane to date them, then I look at the women and it makes sense.

LadyJ: You've nothing to base it on though. There are plenty of other more likely reasons why she would want to be apart of this relationship.

LadyJ

LiouVille wrote:

LadyJ: You've nothing to base it on though. There are plenty of other more likely reasons why she would want to be apart of this relationship.

As I said,this may not be true in the OP's case. As for in general,there's plenty of basis for this theory! Again,not in all cases but in SOME!

Boston

She's 20 years old, she isn't a teenage kids with a crush on her maths teacher. It was a simple question. It seems to be a trend that people like to read in whatever they want into posts on this forum.

up for anything

The sex can be great but the body :eek: even that of a 50+ year old in good nick.

LadyJ

LiouVille wrote:

She's 20 years old, she isn't a teenage kids with a crush on her maths teacher. It was a simple question. It seems to be a trend that people like to read in whatever they want into posts on this forum.

People are meant to read into things like this! I made a valid point and was in no way trying to patronise the OP.
I know people who,maybe because they lack a father figure,seek more male attention than most. This is a fact. Deal with it!
It may be totally wrong in this case but I don't know the OP so then again it could be true!

Like it or not,basic psychology hits the nail right on the head sometimes!

Canis Lupus

LiouVille wrote:

LadyJ: You've nothing to base it on though. There are plenty of other more likely reasons why she would want to be apart of this relationship.

Freud reckons girls go for father figures, he was pretty well respected in his field ya know. Personally I only mentioned it cos I thought it was funny and it emphasised the fact that the fella is OLD OLD OLD. Too old infact or maybe I'm just jealous that a girl my age is being snatched up by an older bloke probably cos he is sooooo mature and has money no doubt.

Give him 10 years and you will be fetching his slippers for him so he can put his feet up in front of the fire while you wanna go out DRINKING WOOOO!!!!! and he will also be saying things like: "when I was young" etc etc.

Give him 10 more years and he will be reaching the age an average man dies at. He definitely won't be a partyer then and if he is I'm sure he will do you proud down the local nite club with his walking stick or possibly wheelchair.

Of course his wing wang will probably on the blink as well by then (hell if it ain't givening him trouble already) so sex will just be suuuuuuuper.

Your parents will love you going out with a man they can relate with (possibly even older than they are) and your friends will think it's cool when he hangs with you as well.

Of course he has got to be dead interesting as well cos he can remember stull like going to school while not wearing shoes. He can tell you when the first tv and motorised horsecart came into town and lots of other stuff like that. Cool!!!

In fact I change my mind, I can't see a single thing wrong with her starting a relationship with someone twice her age.

tinkerbell

Meh, personally the idea of dating someone older than my father is totally unappealing. As some of the others said, when you're 30, he'll be 64, when you're 40, he'll be 74! What if you have kids when you are 30? By the time the kid is 10, his / her dad will be old enough to be the kid's grandfather :eek:

I'm sure you could find an amazing guy who is around your age, rather than having to settle for someone more than thirty years your senior. But, if you really like him that much, then who is to stop you?

Boston

Canis Lupus wrote:

Freud reckons girls go for father figures, he was pretty well respected in his field ya know. Personally I only mentioned it cos I thought it was funny and it emphasised the fact that the fella is OLD OLD OLD. Too old infact or maybe I'm just jealous that a girl my age is being snatched up by an older bloke probably cos he is sooooo mature and has money no doubt.

You are not Freud.

LadyJ: So now she lacks a father figure? where are you getting this? You keep trying to change to into an arguement about whether or not these things happen. I'm pointing out that you're making unfounded assumptions based on absolutely nothing.

LadyJ

LiouVille wrote:

You are not Freud.

LadyJ: So now she lacks a father figure? where are you getting this? You keep trying to change to into an arguement about whether or not these things happen. I'm pointing out that you're making unfounded assumptions based on absolutely nothing.

I'm basing this on ****ing research! I've given the girl my advice. I know nothing about her but I do know that in A LOT(ya hear me? Not ALL) cases that a young girl who craves attention from older men is trying to compensate for not getting the protection,care and unconditional love that most receive from parents.
This is a FACT. Why must you keep fighting it?
Maybe not the case her but if it is then I'd say I've helped by pointing it out!

Sangre

Liouville just resents the fact that his father never showed him affection.

jenny dublin

jenny dublin wrote:

i understand what people are saying but i mean i think this is just a unique situation. does anyone know of any people that are/where in a relationship with such an age gap?

My Grandad married my Gran when he was 51 or so, she was 18.
They had their first kid, my aunt a year later and 8 more.
He died when she was 30, leaving her 2 farms and 9 kids, they had a happy 11or 12 years.
I often remember her saying he was good in the sack, I joke you not

Boston

LadyJ wrote:

I'm basing this on ****ing research! I've given the girl my advice. I know nothing about her but I do know that in A LOT(ya hear me? Not ALL) cases that a young girl who craves attention from older men is trying to compensate for not getting the protection,care and unconditional love that most receive from parents.
This is a FACT. Why must you keep fighting it?
Maybe not the case her but if it is then I'd say I've helped by pointing it out!

Again I don't deny that some women have father issues, and crave the attention of older men as a result. But there is absolutely nothing in this thread to indicate that is what is happening and it is very condescending a patronising to suggest it. Stop making trying to twist this into being about something it's not.

Research has shown that allot of gay men have mother issues. So If someone posts here about have problems with their mother, is it ok to say "well maybe your gay" based on nothing. I've a problem with unsubstantiated conjecture, but maybes that's because I wasn't breath feed at a babe.

Sangre

Shut up Liouville.

She offered a point of view, this is what the thread is for.

Boston

No, she arm chair analysis the girl. She offered an opinion on the girls motivation for what she was doing. This is not what the OP asked for.

Sangre

Since when has PI been just about what they specifically asked?

Boston

Exactly the point I made ages ago, about people reading in more then is there into a topic. Maybe their own issues.

Sangre

No.

The question a person asks isn't always going to give the answer to the problem.
This is why people seek elaboration and give different answers, get it?

Boston

Sangre wrote:

No.

The question a person asks isn't always going to give the answer to the problem.
This is why people seek elaboration and give different answers, get it?

She didn't ask for elaboration, she passed judgement without any facts to back her up.

Mewzel

there is a 25 year age gap between my parents and they've been going for 30 years now so yes, it can work
but i would advise you to think very carefully about this. there can be many complications further down the line.

Sangre

LadyJ wrote:

Good point with the father thing. MAYBE you're just craving the attention of an older man. It happens,even though you may not realise it.Be sure he's not taking advantage of this.
But christ,if it's a fling,go for it! He's 54,he must be good in bed by now!

Yeah that maybe part is a real hard hitting, unforgiving judegement.

Calina

FAO OP - jenny dublin - have you talked to people who know you well about this? I have to say my experience is not based on being in a relationship with someone who is 30 years older than me, but on watching someone your age go into a relationship with someone significantly (less than 30 though) older than her.

I'm of the opinion that if this is something you really want to do, you probably will do it regardless of what anyone tells you. I'd have reservations about it myself - I'd have reservations about anyone 30 years older than me wanting a relationship with me and I'm a bit older than you are. What I do know is that if I were looking for advice in this area of my life - relationships, I mean - I'd want it from the people around me. People I know, people who know me well. Not strangers who don't know me, don't know my life, or my lifestyle. That's not to knock people who come on internet fora here - most of them seem to be very reasonable. A lot of people are questioning your reason for wanting to go into this relationship if I read the thread correctly - I'd be more interested in why you are looking for advice or possibly validation here.

Ultimately, it's your own decision, it's like anything, going into it, you need to have your eyes open - know that that there are likely to be generational differences, in the area of taste in music, things you like doing. You're still learning to live - to some extent we all are, but we learn different lessons at different stages.

By way of an aside, one of my friends once told me she was going out with a heroin addict. She was expecting all her friends to tell her she was out of her mind - and none of us did. You see, people have to make their own decisions, have to understand why they do things. If all her friends had told her "look you're mad, dump him immediately", she probably would have, and then been very lonely for a whie and then resented all the people who told her to dump this guy who had, apparently, some very positive points, but one huge negative point. She dumped him of her own accord a couple of months later. I guess what I'm trying to say is that ultimately, regardless of which way you decide to go, make sure it is your decision, and also, understand that those who are close to you who might have serious reservations, have those reservations because they care about you.

Victor

Sangre banned, the rest of you chill out.

Dreamcatcher

Hi Jenny,

I think that Calina has made some very good points there in that last post.

Myself, I have no problem per se with big age gaps in relationships. There are 13 years between my parents.
I myself was in a relationship for a few years with a man who was twice my age when I met him in my early twenties. If anything, he had more of an issue with the age gap than I did. At the time, settling down/marriage and all that was the furthest thing from my mind. And he was not into any of that either. So we just enjoyed our time together.
I say this, because like Calina said, it is important to go into this "with your eyes open". If you are to do this, you need to separate the "allure" or the "infatuation" from the hard questions that I think you should ask yourself(and bring them up with him, in a subtle way or directly, as you see fit in the early stages). I know this is easier said than done, and may sound a bit clinical or "unromantic", but that's what I would advise you to do, to ask yourself these questions, and others that are relevant to your own life.
Do you know what his intentions are? Do you know or get the impression that he is interested in a long-term thing/marriage? Children - does he have any? If so, they are probably older than you. Will he introduce you to his family? Will you introduce him to yours?
And would he want to have children with you? Might you want to have children with him at some stage..?
Will the relationship begin "gradually", as in dating the guy for a while, for at least a year say, or has he suggested that you move in with him soon for example?

Being so much older than you, he obviously has a lot more experience with relationships and with life, and (sorry to say this, might be way off the mark) but he would have more knowledge of what strings to pull, games to play etc, if he turned out to be that sort of person.
By the same token, you are a fresh young 20 year old and it's also possible that you could be (unconsciously, maybe)"using" this - the classic case of a young woman trading youth/good looks for the security/wealth/lifestyle that a man of that age could offer you. Obviously I'm just speculating with what I've just said, and I'm approaching it from a cynical point of view, but I'm just giving you some points to ponder about. Only you can judge if they might be relevant to your own situation.

I do think that you should not rush into anything. I DID rush into my own relationship that I mentioned, and although I won't go so far as to say that I regret the relationship, it turned out that I made some big sacrifices in my own self-development - I didn't realise it at the time, of course. When you're in your early 20's - and I think, until your mid or late twenties - you are still very much growing and maturing; a person may have matured physically, but for most people you are still "growing up" and learning about yourself and the world at that stage of your life. Please do take that point on board. Looking back, I probably should have taken things more slowly, gradually gotten to know him better, realised that I was very young, that I had some self-esteem issues and that I was getting too deeply involved with him too quickly.
A relationship is easy to get into, but if gets serious, it can be difficult to get out of sometimes...

You say that what you have with him is "a unique situation". I don't mean to undermine that thought/feeling that you have, but most relationships in their early stages are based on this sense of "uniqueness", that feeling of "he is the one", "she is the one", we have a "special" bond.

As I said, I see no problem with big age gaps in relationships, per se. BUT, and it's a big but - and you were asking for advice - I must say that I do think that a 20yo and a 54yo is WAAAY too big of an age gap, for it to work out in the long term. Relationships can be difficult enough to negotiate/get through between people of a similar age group or less of an age gap, when things get serious...
But if you are both going into it more as "an affair" than a thing that is "going to work", then maybe go for it, but again you have to tread carefully. Be clear with each other from the outset what each others intentions are. Communicate. Be honest with him and make sure that he is being honest with you. That way, there is less hurt and disappointment when the relationship comes to an end - which it most likely will by the way.

You did not go into much detail in your thread Jenny. But you can feel free to PM me in confidence and I'd be more than willing to offer you any advice about any doubts/questions that you may have.

DC
x

coolhandluke

To the OP,could you please tell me what in god's name ye have in common ?Do you hang around with people your own age ?

LadyJ

Tbh,I aint judging anyone,I merely made reference to a problem some girls have and if the OP has a problem with my opinion and advice then I'm sure she'd have said so.
OP,I was not trying to be condescending or anything of the sort,I was just offering an insight. And tbh,I think any therapist or just anyone who can see past exact words and phrases would have asked the same questions as I have.
I've made no assumptions,just tried to help!

DublinWriter

jenny dublin wrote:

im 20 hes 54

To be honest, I know lots of people in successful relationships with age gaps up to 20 years. Usually the guy is older.

However, your case is stretching it a bit. 34 years is one hell of a gap.

You're 20 now, and to be honest, you're not going to be the same person you are in 5, or 10 years time.

While trying not to sound cold about it, I'd advise you that there is no long term future in this. Would you really want to be married to a 65 year old when you turn 30? Even if you had kids now, they'd be in their teens and their dad would be in his 70's.

I'd also be wary about his relationship history, and probably more wary if he didn't have one.

To be honest, the whole thing sounds a little unhealthy to me.

Dub_Ster

i just like to say that if ya think its rite go for it , but your 20 years old ok next year your going be 21 , my point is this youle waste your youth bye going out with this person tho it may be fun , and have a good time which is all well and good but in the long run your
going to be haneging around with 50 yearolds who talk about politics and stuff..

were im shore youde prefer the hole going out getting hamered with people your own
age which would be much more fun ....in my opion mind you i wouldnt say no to a milf ...

but serously its kinda mad if ya ask me ....and a bit insane , but shore being in love is insane .......

think about it booth from your head and your heart and see were you land ...

WhiteWashMan

id have to wonder what it is between these two people that would make them think about being together, just as any two people of any age.

its not an appaling thing, by any stretch of the imagination, but it really wouldnt be my cup of tea tbh.

while it said that love does not have any boundries held over it by age, what is this love based on?
for me, its usually two things, money, or some kind of electra complex.

although, im not saying that either are valid here.

MaddyDv

I do believe age is just a numberb but 34 years is a very big number! I was with a fella for 4 and a half years and he was 10 years older than me. After a while it does make a difference. Dont forget the times you've seen older men in clubs and thought "pervert". I cant imagine bringing a man the same age as my dad to a club or to meet my parents...Nightmare!

annR

I went out with a guy twice my age when I was 20 . . .all I can say is that it suited both of us at the time. I know that nothing anyone said to me would have made any difference because if you want to do something you'll just do it and learn your own mistakes.

Just try to make sure you are in the driving seat and know what you are doing. It's pretty mortifying looking back on it now, but at least I can look back and say I was well treated, no harm was done, and it was over when it was meant to be over. Make sure it's the same for you.

34 years is a huge gap, I think it's a lot different for a 20 yr old to go out with someone who's 40 and someone who's 54 . . .

A

TheBurningMan

is he married? does he have kids? what's his financial situation? what's yours? how long have you know him? what's the attraction? What's your plan with this?

Riamfada

fact that your only 20. Ie very very young Compared to a 54 year old man who is approaching retirement age. It seems very very odd to me. very odd. and scary but im sure you know what your doin!