Forbidden fruit, so to speak...

LegacyUser

Hooo boy... OK. Say you have rediculously powerful feelings for another person, but this other person has a boyfriend of two years who, in all honesty, doesnt appreciate her, but possibly loves her all the same. AND her boyfriend is an aquantence of yours. Is there any point in hanging around, or should I get over this? Oh, and she has expressed mild interest aswell. She's a friend.

I am MAN

Nothing got to do with you so stay away or it will end up worse.

Dizzyblabla

ya, better off keeping friends, not a good idea to go breaking them up, you might loose the two of them that way...

Kevin_rc_ie

go for it.

pretty-in-pink

How sure are you that he doesn't appreciate her? and how strong are her feelings? When you say she has expressed interest, how exactly did she do it? and finally how long do you both of them? Same amount of time? Who do you know better?

Sorry to ask you so many questions, but there are so many different ways to look at this, so more details will be needed.

CathyMoran

Let her know that you are there for her but do not wait for her - she may leave the relationship of her own accord but do not influence her, she may feel that you presurised her into leaving the relationship and may throw it back at you at some stage...

nesf

This kind of situation has lost me a friend or two. I try to avoid them at all costs nowadays.

Alana

Have you tried talking to her.............? Might be worth a shot. How good friends are ye? Have you known her long?

What do you mean-"expressed a mild interest" how so...?

Dimitri

stay well away been there before myself its just not worth it you'll lose a friend and get hurt in the process. maybe things will go differently for you but i waited till she ended it she knew how i felt and she told me she felt the same, she than told me she wanted to be single for a while, so like a fool i waited again, and than she got together with some other fella- its just not worth it

TerrorFirmer

What can I say.....

If this guy is really your friend, you'll realise it just isn't anything that can happen outside the realm of fantasy.

Otherwise, he's either not a real friend, or you are a very bad one....

Think about it.

Is lust or desire worth sacrificing an entire friendship?

Although tbh its one of those situaton where we cannot offer proper advice. We need so much more info on the nature of the relationships between all three of you involved.

LegacyUser

Speaking as someone who was the girl in a similar situation my friend did get me in the end, but I always felt that his directive advice forced me to end the relationship sooner than I had wanted. It ended up hanging over us and was brought up during rows - if he had waited for me to realise myself fully then things might have worked out better, as it was, I always held my ex wrongly on a pedestel. I would advise that the OP just be a friend but do not wait for her.

Alana

Good point

Fionn

ok ...lets look at it
powerful feelings for her! you know both of them she's a friend of yours....

he's an acquaintence (not a good friend)

she's expressed some interest in you!
you don't owe him anything
(your take on the relationship "he doesn't appreciate her")

not such forbidden fruit!!

make it known your interested if she likes you enough the magic will happen...you've nothing to lose!! go for it

LegacyUser

I am also speaking from the perspective of one of those girls. I had a long-term boyfriend (we'll call him Guy1), I started to get bored, I didn't have the heart to break it off. I had a male friend (we'll call him Guy2), also a friend of my then boyfriend, who I was ridiculously attracted to, and he felt the same about me. Guy2 ended up kissing me at a party, which confused everything, so I broke up with my boyfriend. I got with Guy2, and it was GREAT... For about two days. And then the attraction was just gone, for both of us. I don't know what it was, neither of us could explain it, but the 'zing' had disappeared, completely and utterly. We kept it going fora little while anyway, and then we both agreed here was no point to it anymore.
You know what I think it was? I was looking for a way out of a relationship with Guy1, and I found it. Guy2 saw me as the forbidden fruit he'd known for years, and that's why he wanted me. For me, it was a total rebound, for him, it was a shattered fantasy. Neither of us found it as amazing as we'd expected it to be, and it was just disappointing. So, I am no longer on good terms with Guy1 (unsurprisingly, I'll admit), things are just awkward with Guy2 and we don't speak anymore, and our circle of friends kind of fell apart with all the awkwardness.
So, my advice is, if you're looking for disappointing sex and the destruction of friendships, then go for it! Otherwise, just leave well enough alone, it's not worth it.

Citizen Jake

"but this other person has a boyfriend of two years who, in all honesty, doesnt appreciate her, but possibly loves her all the same."

Who the hell are you to judge that! The fact is you're horny, you're tempted and you're just trying to rationalise in your mind if you can have your wicked way with someone else's girlfriend. If I was him and knew your intentions I'd smack you in the mouth, or worse . . .

What do you mean by "mildly interested?" Has she expressed an interest or just flirted innocently with you? If she flirted with intent then your friend/acquaintance is better off without her. If so, then she's bored and wants out of the relationship.

You, however, should stand back and let nature take its course. Don't interfere and keep yer grubby hands to yourself. There's nothing worse than seeing a relationship in a difficult patch and then some opportunist put thier spoke in. Stand back, if she wants you she'll come to you.

lacuna

I'd say that it's better not to get involved. It'll just mean you'll lose two friends if it backfires. Maybe discreetly talk to her about it and see where you stand.
If I were you I would stand back though and leave well enough alone. It's up to her to figure out if her boyfriend doesn't appreciate her and it's ultimately got to be her decision to leave him.
Have you any concrete evidence to say that he doesn't appreciate her or any to say that she's interested in you?

sprinkles

nesf wrote:

This kind of situation has lost me a friend or two. I try to avoid them at all costs nowadays.

Ditto

Altheus

Avoid at all cost.

funk-you

leave the mans f*cking girlfriend alone.

Dr.Feelgood

That WILL end in tears.


No doubt about it!!

~Rebel~

Does nobody respect other peoples relationships anymore? These issues always seem to pop up here and i cant understand it! If the girl is going out with the guy its cause she wants to and even if she doesn't just wait till shes single again. If you think the guys bad for her or something thats totally different you can let her know AS A FRIEND not cause you wanna break them up so you can take her.

Respect other peoples relationships - how would you like it if someone was trying to steal your girlfriend?!

WhiteWashMan

MyCodenameIs: wrote:

Hooo boy... OK. Say you have rediculously powerful feelings for another person, but this other person has a boyfriend of two years who, in all honesty, doesnt appreciate her, but possibly loves her all the same. AND her boyfriend is an aquantence of yours. Is there any point in hanging around, or should I get over this? Oh, and she has expressed mild interest aswell. She's a friend.

move on.

spudington16

It's not what you want to hear but it's what you need to hear. Tell her you're interested but don't try to interfere in your friends' relationship. Let her make her own mistakes (that's assuming you're right and he doesn't appreciate her - you could just be seeing what you want to see) but don't wait for her. If she has any sense she'll go to you but don't hold your breath.

LegacyUser

Whoa, some conflicting advice. But I think I'll steer clear. Let it be known that it isnt just lust. I've been in relationships before but never felt for anyone like this. Anyway, I dont want to muck up a friendship. I said her boyfriend was an aquantence. I dont talk to the guy very much. He's a nice guy but I dont particularly like him. However, I'll let their relationship take it's course. I'm not one for getting into conflict. And yes, her boyfriend would readily kick my ass, so mabye it's better for my sake to avoid!

pretty-in-pink

Where oh where has the OP gone?

/* Edit

There he is. Can you answer the questions for clarity please? How do you know he doesn't appreciate her? And how did she show interest? How close are you to her?

End Edit */

lacuna

spudington16 wrote:

If she has any sense she'll go to you but don't hold your breath.

How do you know that he's better for her? And also, how do you kow she even has feelings for the OP? All he's said is that she has expressed a mild interest...whatever that means?
We also have no idea whether her boyfriend really appreciates her or not. He's only an aquaintance of the OP, so he probably doesn't tell him his innermost thoughts regarding how he feels about his girlfriend. I wish the OP would come back and answer the questions of how he has come to know these "facts", as I'd be very interested!
If I was the OP, I wouldn't hold my breath. There's a big chance that the reason she hasn't left her boyfriend is because she loves him and probably feels that he loves her. I don't reckon that even if she broke up with him that she'd be necessarily ready to move on quite so quickly, even if she did "express mild interest" before.

LegacyUser

I was reluctant to answer the questions for fear of giving away my identity (to those who happen to know me). Anyway, regarding "expressing mild interest", it's really just a feeling I get from things she says, when she looks at me and just general behaviour. Then again, it could be nothing. That's why I was requesting advice. I'm not sure. And I've been around her and her boyfriend. He just seems to put his entertainment first and ignores her. But like I said, I'll let their relationship take its course.

pretty-in-pink

Its probably best all round to let her realise what he's like, and that way if anything is meant to happen it will. Personnaly if it was me, I'd prefer to have friends to cry on if things all blew up, rather then have a worry about the intentions of any of my friends if I went to them in a state.

Give her space to sort her head- and her heart, but be there for her to chat to, or cry on, or get locked with. If her fella is as selfish as you say, then she probably knows about it, and may be in the process of dealing with the harsh truth. If you are *really* (as in seriously) worried about her, then you need to let her know that you have strong reason to believe her fella doesn't treat her the way he should- she may agree with you even. Women are notorious for trying to change people, and to get people to love them- even if they are pretty sure its going to be fruitless.

There is also a chance he is abusing her in some way (physical, mental, sexual etc), I was in a relationship like that a few years ago, and thought it was all I deserved- thankfully I eventually left it...but it goes to show that anything is possible behind closed doors(nobody had any idea of the c**p I went through with my ex- just felt that something seemed a bit off but weren't sure what). Just be there for her, and hope that everyone ends up happy at the end of the day.

Do people here on boards know you? I wouldn't worry about being recognised, there are a lot of people who have similar issues. Out of interest who is it you are worried about recognising you? Friends? Family? Classmates? Workmates? Him? Her?

Andrew 83

There is little I have less time for than someone making a move on someone else's girlfriend. This applies to a lot of my friends too. I've known a few cases of A and B both being guys and being friends. A makes a move on C's girlfriend (B not knowing either of them too well) and B then not being friends with A anymore.

If you know a girl has a boyfriend don't go near them, likewise if a girl knows a guy has a girlfriend.

Kingp35

Andrew 83 wrote:

If you know a girl has a boyfriend don't go near them, likewise if a girl knows a guy has a girlfriend.

Exactly. It really annoys me people making moves on other peoples boyfriend/girlfriend. How low can you go!!

PeadarofAodh

I was in the same situation as you're in and had been very good friends with the girl for about a year and a half. She wasn't with the guy for so long admittedly but I sensed things weren't exactly amazingly good between them. Now this girl meant too much to me to pressure or push into leaving him. I was always there for her as a friend but resisted the temptation to hang around waiting and went off with other people, nothing concrete which worked out for the best because she eventually decided for herself that she liked me more and had for a while. We've been together for four months now and we're the better for her having made the choice independantly I feel.
Good luck anyway.