I love this girl

Son_of_Belial

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

I still stand by the "she probably already knows" hypothesis. Women are very good at this. Genghis has the right idea though, take her out and see what happens, although presumably you want to keep her as a friend as well, so telling her is a bad idea. Try making it as spontaneous as possible (at least to all appearances) and you're onto a winner.

shellby

although the majority of the especially that of mr nice guy i wouldn't advise you to follow the same route as him.
you had to ask him about the signs you are looking for and stated you would be too shy to kiss her to an earlier repply (sorry can't remember who its was to)
both approaches just don't sound like who you are and behaving differently may act as a complete turn off it is also unfair she did nothing to deserve being made confused
your right to wait until after the leaving but when its over just tell her (perhaps hold back on telling her you love her) even if her respomse is a rejection if you are as good friends as you say you can get past it a still be friends and if you can't at least you have your answer and can move on.

remember its better to regret the things you do rather than the things you don't do

VirtualNemesis

shellby wrote:

remember its better to regret the things you do rather than the things you don't do

TRUE THAT, true that!

im gettin so nervous now about tellin her. i want to do it know, but i dont want to come out and say it, but i dont want it to take ages. but all i know is i have to wait untill the exams are over. which are startin todsay for her. Good Luck k(cough)

shellby

really when you look at the situation what is there to be nervous about although the out come may not be exactly what you want it to be you benefit in some form every way

Son_of_Belial

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

I for one would actually be interested in finding out the outcome VN. perhaps you'd keep us posted on developments when you finally tell her? (Even though I still think that's a bad idea)

VirtualNemesis

shellby wrote:

really when you look at the situation what is there to be nervous about although the out come may not be exactly what you want it to be you benefit in some form every way

thats also true. its just the way i will have to build up to it.it will be fun( fun as in not fun at all )

VirtualNemesis

Son_of_Belial wrote:

I for one would actually be interested in finding out the outcome VN. perhaps you'd keep us posted on developments when you finally tell her? (Even though I still think that's a bad idea)

of course i will!!

you guys will be the second to know

Quantum

VirtualNemesis wrote:

TRUE THAT, true that!

im gettin so nervous now about tellin her. i want to do it know, but i dont want to come out and say it, but i dont want it to take ages. but all i know is i have to wait untill the exams are over. which are startin todsay for her. Good Luck k(cough)

Look....

First of all.... don't let it destroy your exams ! This is so important. I know what it's like to simmer over a woman during exams (in my distant memories of when I was in College ) and if you don't put it completely out of your head, you'll pay for it for years.

Secondly. It's insane to just blurt out "I love you" to a girl who you are friends with. It might frighten the hell out of her.. even if she has feelings for you.

The best thing to do is this: Wait for a good moment... over a drink or a coffee... wait for a pause in the conversation and look into her eyes pleasantly and say "Mary.. I want to say something to you, but I don't want it to ruin our friendship, because I value it enormously."...pause...but not too long or you'lll frighten her more :rolleyes:.
Then you say " We've been great friends for ...... months/years.. but recently my feelings have become more than those of a friend... and I wanted to tell you because I need to know if you feel the same. If you don't share these feelings I understand. But I have to tell you about them.

So you tell her you are interested in a 'relationship' without frightening her and destroying your friendship. Don't buy into the crap some people say about it being worth losing her as a friend. Friends are IMPORTANT and VALUABLE in life, especially with women. Sometimes more than sexual parters who come and go (no pun intended).
So be calm and relaxed and avoid being too intense - us guys have a terrible habit of being very intense after we let things build without expressing ourselves. Women don't usually feel confortable with that. They like confidence and relaxed guys who say how they feel and deal with it.

If she says she feels the same - STAY CALM (no matter how much you want to jump up and punch the air..) - and let it develop slowly ..a relaxed date..etc. Dont' push it... and don't use the LOVE word until much later, please.

My two cents.

Best of luck.

shellby

have to agree with the advise above everything even the way to say it i hate to think i was dismissing the friendship that wasn't my intention just that if its strong it will survive i had a friend who told me that he was in love with me and although i didn't feel the same way and it was awkward at first we're still the best of friends 4 years later

VirtualNemesis

Quantum wrote:

Look....

First of all.... don't let it destroy your exams ! This is so important. I know what it's like to simmer over a woman during exams (in my distant memories of when I was in College ) and if you don't put it completely out of your head, you'll pay for it for years.

Secondly. It's insane to just blurt out "I love you" to a girl who you are friends with. It might frighten the hell out of her.. even if she has feelings for you.

The best thing to do is this: Wait for a good moment... over a drink or a coffee... wait for a pause in the conversation and look into her eyes pleasantly and say "Mary.. I want to say something to you, but I don't want it to ruin our friendship, because I value it enormously."...pause...but not too long or you'lll frighten her more :rolleyes:.
Then you say " We've been great friends for ...... months/years.. but recently my feelings have become more than those of a friend... and I wanted to tell you because I need to know if you feel the same. If you don't share these feelings I understand. But I have to tell you about them.

So you tell her you are interested in a 'relationship' without frightening her and destroying your friendship. Don't buy into the crap some people say about it being worth losing her as a friend. Friends are IMPORTANT and VALUABLE in life, especially with women. Sometimes more than sexual parters who come and go (no pun intended).
So be calm and relaxed and avoid being too intense - us guys have a terrible habit of being very intense after we let things build without expressing ourselves. Women don't usually feel confortable with that. They like confidence and relaxed guys who say how they feel and deal with it.

If she says she feels the same - STAY CALM (no matter how much you want to jump up and punch the air..) - and let it develop slowly ..a relaxed date..etc. Dont' push it... and don't use the LOVE word until much later, please.

My two cents.

Best of luck.

cheers Quantum, il have to right that lil speech on my hand. lol

but your mistaken its not my exams its hers. ive them done and dusted thatnk god. i dont want to say it to her just incase it impacts her exams.

VirtualNemesis

shellby wrote:

have to agree with the advise above everything even the way to say it i hate to think i was dismissing the friendship that wasn't my intention just that if its strong it will survive i had a friend who told me that he was in love with me and although i didn't feel the same way and it was awkward at first we're still the best of friends 4 years later

im glad to hear your friendship survived. how did it feel for you finding this out?

Quantum

VirtualNemesis wrote:

cheers Quantum, il have to right that lil speech on my hand. lol
But your mistaken its not my exams its hers. I've them done, and dusted thank god. i dont want to say it to her just in case it impacts her exams.

I stand corrected, and you're right to delay. These are not easy things to deal with. It's so easy at my age to say 'stay calm and cool'. But I know how deeply these emotions run. All you can do is your best and to try to maintain as much perspective with the rest of your life and hobbies and family and friends as possible. I found that that helped me.

VirtualNemesis

Quantum wrote:

I stand corrected, and you're right to delay. These are not easy things to deal with. It's so easy at my age to say 'stay calm and cool'. But I know how deeply these emotions run. All you can do is your best and to try to maintain as much perspective with the rest of your life and hobbies and family and friends as possible. I found that that helped me.

now you are makin me nervous! lol

this to everyone. this is how i feel about her. i cant stop thinkin about her and everything i do i think to myself "what would she do " or "what would she think if i did this" and the ocassional dream (not wet). its mad ive never felt this way before

Quantum

VirtualNemesis wrote:

now you are makin me nervous! lol

this to everyone. this is how i feel about her. i cant stop thinkin about her and everything i do i think to myself "what would she do " or "what would she think if i did this" and the ocassional dream (not wet). its mad I've never felt this way before

When I was in College (Trinity) I remember being so taken over by it that I was writing one girl's name all over my notes, books.. everything.... it drove me insane..

VirtualNemesis

Quantum wrote:

When I was in College (Trinity) I remember being so taken over by it that I was writing one girl's name all over my notes, books.. everything.... it drove me insane..

i know how ya feel man. its nice in its own sort of way that you have someone to think about like that

Tar.Aldarion

same situation more or less,have love some1 for over a year but for me we are too good of friends for me to want to mess that up.she has had boyfriends and i girlfriends during the year and currently so i would not tell her...even if we ever single at the same time lol
especially as things would get complicated as we will be living together,just the 2 of us sigh...hmm this one will be odd to handle..
anyway good luck and be very careful if you go ahead with it...i always make the mistake of being to good of friends...

Mr.Nice Guy

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

shellby wrote:

although the majority of the especially that of mr nice guy i wouldn't advise you to follow the same route as him.

As I and others have said who have been in similar situations, pouring your heart out just doesn't work. You have to explain your feelings through action and not words if it is to work.

shellby wrote:

both approaches just don't sound like who you are and behaving differently may act as a complete turn off it is also unfair she did nothing to deserve being made confused

It's not about him changing his personality nor is it about him acting like a pr*ck, it's about him showing her that he has alot of great attributes and making her think about him above a platonic level.

shellby wrote:

remember its better to regret the things you do rather than the things you don't do

True enough but it's far better to approach things sensibly and not have to feel regret at all. As Alan Kay once said, "the best way to predict the future is to invent it".

shellby wrote:

i had a friend who told me that he was in love with me and although i didn't feel the same way and it was awkward at first we're still the best of friends 4 years later

You have confirmed what I and others have said - pouring your heart out doesn't work! Your friend tells you he is in love with you and four years later...you're friends. So in other words, nothing came of it. Which begs the question - why are you advising the OP who wants a relationship to take the route your friend did who only ended up with friendship?

shellby

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

You have confirmed what I and others have said - pouring your heart out doesn't work! Your friend tells you he is in love with you and four years later...you're friends. So in other words, nothing came of it. Which begs the question - why are you advising the OP who wants a relationship to take the route your friend did who only ended up with friendship?

i wasn't dissing your advice just saying that i didn't think it sounded like him thats all

the reason took such an intrest in this is because my current boyfriend who i am madly in love with and we are planning to move in together i was very close to for two years purely as friends he never knew i had feeelings for him and visa versa until i finally decided to do something about it

and the friend who told me he was inlove with me four years ago is now engaged to be married and very happy and i'm very close to him and his fiance

shellby

VirtualNemesis wrote:

im glad to hear your friendship survived. how did it feel for you finding this out?

to be honest i was shocked i really didn't see it coming and the fact that he told me he loved me straight away didn't help but we talked about it and i gave him a bit of space so he could decide if he could continue with the friendship i no it mightn't sound perfect but as i said above he's now engaged and extremely happy and the relationship i'm in at the mo is with a friend of 2 years and i too am extremely happy

Quantum

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

same situation more or less,have love some1 for over a year but for me we are too good of friends for me to want to mess that up.she has had boyfriends and i girlfriends during the year and currently so i would not tell her...even if we ever single at the same time lol
especially as things would get complicated as we will be living together,just the 2 of us sigh...hmm this one will be odd to handle..
anyway good luck and be very careful if you go ahead with it...i always make the mistake of being to good of friends...

Just a general comment - us guys are really bad at this 'friends' thing with women (including me) and it is a good idea for us to keep that in mind as we go through life. Chris Rock (the american comedian) has a hilarious routine about women being in two groups as far as men go.... those we have f'd and those we have yet to f'k (apls for the crudity). But the fact is that it has an element of truth about it. We have trouble being close friends with women, without developing feelings of 'desire'. We have a tendency to be confused by our feelings, not being able to distinguish between close friendship and the elements of a sexual desire. It must be hormonal and instinctive. I know some guys who believe a man can NEVER be close friends only. But I also know guys that have grown up with women all around them and can do it no problem.
Conclusion ? Life's a b1tch

Son_of_Belial

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

Quantum wrote:

When I was in College (Trinity) I remember being so taken over by it that I was writing one girl's name all over my notes, books.. everything.... it drove me insane..

Lol, that's chronic. Did you write her name as "Somegirl Quantum" just to see how it worked?! Lol. Sorry man, but that's kind of funny. What if anyone had seen your notes?!

rideordie

this is my story...I was really good friends with this guy..we did everything together and had lot's of fun..it was like we were soulmates or something...then one night he got really drunk and depressed and told me he had been in love with me for a year..so it took him so long to tell me..and you know what I was ok with that.If I now think of the situation ya'll propose..if he had taken me out somwhere and being all romantic on me I would have felt so uncomfortable and weird..so I kind of prefer the straight out option..sadly I don't love him in that way but we got trough it all..I told him you will always have me as a friend and I will never give him the cold shoulder because of he's feelings...he ofcourse hasn't recovered yet but still we're ok...I guess my advice would be to just go with the flow..don't plan anything...and watch her body language....

Son_of_Belial

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

watch her body language....

Hear hear. That's precisely what I said....

Mr.Nice Guy

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

shellby wrote:

i wasn't dissing your advice just saying that i didn't think it sounded like him thats all

the reason took such an intrest in this is because my current boyfriend who i am madly in love with and we are planning to move in together i was very close to for two years purely as friends he never knew i had feeelings for him and visa versa until i finally decided to do something about it

and the friend who told me he was inlove with me four years ago is now engaged to be married and very happy and i'm very close to him and his fiance

I think it's different though if a girl tells a guy that she likes him as guys are less likely to be freaked out by the whole thing. As Quantum pointed out, guys tend to think about sex alot and I would say that for most guys, they have thought about the friends they have who are women in a sexual way at least once.

shellby

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

I think it's different though if a girl tells a guy that she likes him as guys are less likely to be freaked out by the whole thing. As Quantum pointed out, guys tend to think about sex alot and I would say that for most guys, they have thought about the friends they have who are women in a sexual way at least once.

i have to be honest and say i have alot of male mates and have thouhgt about most of them in a sexual way at least once which would go for the majority of my female friends with male friends the difference is knowing whats real and whats not and when you know its real its just a nerve racking no matter what your sex
i didn't blurt out that i loved him because at the time it was just strong feelings just some obvious flirting which sounds like what this girl is doing in the end he made the move
even if a girl isn't interested i think most will be flattered by the whole situaton it's only if you try to force your feelings in a person or contiuously bring them up that they will get freaked

rideordie

yea shellby I know what you mean..I've had the hot's for most of my male friends aswell and some female-freinds too :cool: and to Mr.Nice Guy-->girls think about sex too..a lot..all the time...constantly

cregser

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

...I would say that for most guys, they have thought about the friends they have who are women in a sexual way at least once.

Yep, and not just the ones I find attractive!

VirtualNemesis wrote:

this to everyone. this is how i feel about her. i cant stop thinkin about her and everything i do i think to myself "what would she do " or "what would she think if i did this" and the ocassional dream (not wet). its mad ive never felt this way before

I've been there. I've had friends who've been there. I know what it's like. I'm actually afraid of it. Because you can so easily loose control and do stuff you regret in the future. It's very hard to think rationally, but you HAVE TO!

I know you just want to scream it at her. You think she already knows subconciously. And even if she doesn't, she could feel the same way. Fact is, you DON'T KNOW. Anything could still happen.

I can't say I know your situation because I only know what you've conveyed. Just don't do anything you'll regret. I've seen the advice of Mr.Nice Guy work before. It's similar to advice I gave a friend. It worked but in the end he lost respect for her. Its crazy how it happens. It's a very difficult balance to get right. If it doesn't work out, ..., sh!t, that's life!

shellby

rideordie wrote:

yea shellby I know what you mean..I've had the hot's for most of my male friends aswell and some female-freinds too :cool: and to Mr.Nice Guy-->girls think about sex too..a lot..all the time...constantly

hear hear

rideordie

relationships are tough, man

Tar.Aldarion

Quantum wrote:

Just a general comment - us guys are really bad at this 'friends' thing with women (including me) and it is a good idea for us to keep that in mind as we go through life. Chris Rock (the american comedian) has a hilarious routine about women being in two groups as far as men go.... those we have f'd and those we have yet to f'k (apls for the crudity). But the fact is that it has an element of truth about it. We have trouble being close friends with women, without developing feelings of 'desire'. We have a tendency to be confused by our feelings, not being able to distinguish between close friendship and the elements of a sexual desire. It must be hormonal and instinctive. I know some guys who believe a man can NEVER be close friends only. But I also know guys that have grown up with women all around them and can do it no problem.
Conclusion ? Life's a b1tch

its quite easy for me anyway to be close friends without desire as you put it..
but in this case whammo sucks but i do get over it better than a lot of people i know..a friend is seeing a shrink and was taken out of uni cos of love for one of my friends..obsession comes to mind.i can see that some guys do have this problem.

Mr.Nice Guy

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

rideordie wrote:

yea shellby I know what you mean..I've had the hot's for most of my male friends aswell and some female-freinds too :cool: and to Mr.Nice Guy-->girls think about sex too..a lot..all the time...constantly

Oh I know girls think about sex alot. Probably more than guys judging by the girls I know. My naive views on women's attitude towards sex were shattered years ago.

The point I was making though is that a guy will consider sex with his female friends at any moment but that once a guy is in the 'friends zone', a girl is extremely unlikely to consider having sex.

It's like when a girl tells you she sees you as a brother. Translated, what she's saying is that she would consider having sex with you as akin to incest.

Peteee

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

It's like when a girl tells you she sees you as a brother. Translated, what she's saying is that she would consider having sex with you as akin to incest.

I can tell you thats not true

Actually it was more :eek:

Still...........

shellby

Peteee wrote:

I can tell you thats not true

Actually it was more :eek:

Still...........

there is alot of unhappy faces there lol

still i agree unless are her brother you still have the potential to arouse interest your only viewed as a brother if you behave like one in the first place

Peteee

shellby wrote:

there is alot of unhappy faces there lol

still i agree unless are her brother you still have the potential to arouse interest your only viewed as a brother if you behave like one in the first place

Those are confusion smileys! And one sad one too

Behave like a brother...well i dunno, maybe i'm like that guy in team america! :rolleyes:

Kersh

Dont say anything to her. Itll just complicate things. Leave it as is, and just go get a different girl. Like has been said - if she cant tell you like her at this stage, itll be a shock..

shellby

team america never seen it i'm afraid

just meant that its only if you place yourself in the friends zone that you tend to stay there there is a big diffrence between being a male friend and being like a brother the whole brother thing normal comes after a drunken snog or something where you think "oh that wasn't great, in fact it was really weird"
i've one friend that i love like a brother and that only came after one of those terrible kisses only then did he stop being sexually interesting
completely off the topic i know

rideordie

. Like has been said - if she cant tell you like her at this stage, itll be a shock..[/QUOTE]
I think this kind of sums it all up...can't wait to hear what happened to VirtualNemesis though

spockety

to the OP (and everyone else I guess).

The moment you realised you were attracted to this girl, you LOST her as a "good friend", or "just a friend". She can no longer be exclusively a "friend" to you. You are a guy, she is a girl that you find attractive. Friendship is no longer a simple option.

You have two choices.

You either convey your feelings, either by creating a situation where you 'try it on' (less crude than it sounds), or by simply telling her you fancy her and you can't be just a friend any more. With this option, you risk finding out that she does not feel the same way. But you also gamble on success. If you find out that she does not feel the same way, you then have to hope she kind of freaks out, and doesn't want to see you any more. This is the best thing that can happen if she doesn't want to be anything more than "just a friend".

Your second option is to just not tell her, and carry on as you are, thinking you're great friends etc. This is TORTURE. I don't think girls understand this as much as guys, and I'm sure I'll get flamed here, but I have been through this a couple of times, and it is TORTURE. You will be torturing yourself, you will not be able to shake your feelings, and it will absolutely kill you to watch her going out with other guys etc.

So you hold hands, you hug, etc etc.
You can do this with a girlfriend, and if she needs someone to do it with, she can find herself a boyfriend.

Your aim in life should be to find a girl who makes you feel the way you do about this girl, but who feels the same back. You will find one, it just probably won't be this girl (if it hasn't happened already, in honesty the likelihood of it happening now is slim).

Onwards and upwards. Tell her, let her blow you off, then get as far away from her as possible to help yourself get over her.

VirtualNemesis

Son_of_Belial wrote:

Hear hear. That's precisely what I said....

good advise from every one there.

im interested in this one the most. what sort of body language do i look out for?

CaptainPeacock

I'm wondering should I post another link to the Intellectual Whores site.

Mr.Nice Guy

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

shellby wrote:

just meant that its only if you place yourself in the friends zone that you tend to stay there there is a big diffrence between being a male friend and being like a brother the whole brother thing normal comes after a drunken snog or something where you think "oh that wasn't great, in fact it was really weird"

You don't have to make a pass at a girl for her to tell you she thinks of you as a brother. :rolleyes:

Third_Echelon

spockety wrote:

to the OP (and everyone else I guess).

The moment you realised you were attracted to this girl, you LOST her as a "good friend", or "just a friend". She can no longer be exclusively a "friend" to you. You are a guy, she is a girl that you find attractive. Friendship is no longer a simple option.

You have two choices.

You either convey your feelings, either by creating a situation where you 'try it on' (less crude than it sounds), or by simply telling her you fancy her and you can't be just a friend any more. With this option, you risk finding out that she does not feel the same way. But you also gamble on success. If you find out that she does not feel the same way, you then have to hope she kind of freaks out, and doesn't want to see you any more. This is the best thing that can happen if she doesn't want to be anything more than "just a friend".

Your second option is to just not tell her, and carry on as you are, thinking you're great friends etc. This is TORTURE. I don't think girls understand this as much as guys, and I'm sure I'll get flamed here, but I have been through this a couple of times, and it is TORTURE. You will be torturing yourself, you will not be able to shake your feelings, and it will absolutely kill you to watch her going out with other guys etc.

So you hold hands, you hug, etc etc.
You can do this with a girlfriend, and if she needs someone to do it with, she can find herself a boyfriend.

Your aim in life should be to find a girl who makes you feel the way you do about this girl, but who feels the same back. You will find one, it just probably won't be this girl (if it hasn't happened already, in honesty the likelihood of it happening now is slim).

Onwards and upwards. Tell her, let her blow you off, then get as far away from her as possible to help yourself get over her.

woh.... deja vu...

never a truer word said. Good advice there spock.

shellby

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

You don't have to make a pass at a girl for her to tell you she thinks of you as a brother. :rolleyes:

i didn't mean it like that but there has to be a reason your in the brother zone ie diffinitely no physical attraction and you do normally figure that out after sharing a physical moment it is easy to mix feelings of friendship with those of love or desire but when there is no chemistry in that moment of physical closeness then you know whether there is any real sexual desire

Mr.Nice Guy

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

shellby wrote:

i didn't mean it like that but there has to be a reason your in the brother zone ie diffinitely no physical attraction and you do normally figure that out after sharing a physical moment it is easy to mix feelings of friendship with those of love or desire but when there is no chemistry in that moment of physical closeness then you know whether there is any real sexual desire

You can be classed as a brother by a girl just by being her friend. It would usually mean that any feelings the girl may have had about you have disappeared due to spending too mcuh time as friends.. I doubt a guy would ever feel that one of his female friends is like a sister and if he does, you can be sure it is a lie hiding the real reason (i.e. he wouldn't want to sleep with her if he could)

shellby

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

You can be classed as a brother by a girl just by being her friend. It would usually mean that any feelings the girl may have had about you have disappeared due to spending too mcuh time as friends.. I doubt a guy would ever feel that one of his female friends is like a sister and if he does, you can be sure it is a lie hiding the real reason (i.e. he wouldn't want to sleep with her if he could)

that kinda my point with girls though they only see someone as a brother if there is a complete lack of physical interest and when your close to some one they don't have to be gorgeous for you to develop a physical attraction towards them physical attraction rarely just fizzles away there is a physical reason you are attracted to a person so there has to be a reason it goes ie that terrible kiss or drunken night together i'm not sayin that its the one and only reason but it normally is

once again completely off the subject

have you told her yet

Son_of_Belial

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

Spokety wrote:

Tell her, let her blow you off

Love your choice of words Spokety. I mean, isn't that hopefully part of the desired result?!

spockety

Well, the way I see it, you get blown off either way

Peteee

rideordie wrote:

. Like has been said - if she cant tell you like her at this stage, itll be a shock..

I think this kind of sums it all up...can't wait to hear what happened to VirtualNemesis though[/QUOTE]

Not true either. She might know you like her, but she probably wont know how strong the feeling goes.

But i'm not splashing my situation all across the interweb so i'll leave it at that!

Son_of_Belial

Should I forget about the love of my life altogether

Lol

aliveandkicking

Any progress over the weekend Virtual Nemesis?