Maths Jokes

Capt'n Midnight

From http://www.dur.ac.uk/MathSoc/jokes.html
and there are some excellent proofs there.

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Most prime numbers are even.
Proof: pick up any math text and look for a prime number. The first one you find will probably be even.

Life is complex, it has real and imaginary components.

"The number you have dialed is imaginary. Please rotate your phone 90 degrees and try again."

A student at our high school a few years back, having had his fill with drawing graph after graph in senior high math class, told his teacher: Miss, I'll do algebra, I'll do trig, and I'll even do statistics, but graphing is where I draw the line!

Lumberjacks make good musicians because of their natural logarithms.

Theorem: Consider the set of all sets that have never been considered. Hey! They're all gone!! Oh, well, never mind...

TOP TEN EXCUSES FOR NOT DOING THE MATH HOMEWORK
1. I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.
2. Isaac Newton's birthday.
3. I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.
4. I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.
5. I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.
6. I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.
7. I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.
8. I couldn't figure out whether i am the square of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.
9. I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.
10. I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

After the earth dries out, Noah tells all the animals to 'go forth and multiply'. However, two snakes, adders to be specific, complain to Noah that this is one thing they have never been able to do, hard as they have tried. Undaunted, Noah instructs the snakes to go into the woods, make tables from the trunks of fallen trees and give it a try on the tabletops. The snakes respond that they don't understand how this will help them to procreate whereupon Noah explains: "Well, even adders can multiply using log tables!"

This isn't really a joke, it supposedly happened in a UK GCSE exam some years ago, but it may amuse you: question: how many times can you subtract 7 from 83, and what is left afterwards? answer: I can subtract it as many times as I want, and it leaves 76 every time.

Mermaid mathematicians wear algaebras.

It's like the tale of the roadside merchant who was asked to explain how he could sell rabbit sandwiches so cheap. "Well" he explained, "I have to put some horse-meat in too. But I mix them 50:50. One horse, one rabbit."


A stats major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long? The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin): " Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

A graduate student at Trinity
Computed the square of infinity.
But it gave him the fidgets To put down the digits,
So he dropped math and took up divinity.

A statistician is someone who is good with numbers but lacks the personality to be an accountant.

The good Christian should beware of mathematicians and all those who make empty prophecies. The danger already exists that mathematicians have made a covenant with the devil to darken the spirit and confine man in the bonds of Hell. (St. Augustine)


A biologist, a physicist and a mathematician were sitting in a street cafe watching the crowd. Across the street they saw a man and a woman entering a building. Ten minutes they reappeared together with a third person. - They have multiplied, said the biologist. - Oh no, an error in measurement, the physicist sighed. - If exactly one person enters the building now, it will be empty again, the mathematician concluded.

TerrorFirmer

hee hee

A stats major was completely hung over the day of his final exam. It was a True/False test, so he decided to flip a coin for the answers. The stats professor watched the student the entire two hours as he was flipping the coin...writing the answer...flipping the coin...writing the answer. At the end of the two hours, everyone else had left the final except for the one student. The professor walks up to his desk and interrupts the student, saying: "Listen, I have seen that you did not study for this statistics test, you didn't even open the exam. If you are just flipping a coin for your answer, what is taking you so long? The student replies bitterly (as he is still flipping the coin): " Shhh! I am checking my answers!"

This one was particularly amusing

danniemcq

would these excuses work for those sittin the LC?

Steveire

A chemist, a physicist, and a mathematician are stranded on an island when a can of food rools ashore. The chemist and the physicist come up with many ingenious ways to open the can. Then suddenly the mathematician gets a bright idea: "Assume we have a can opener ..."

This i like...