Warning Labels

Capt'n Midnight

Absurd Warning Labels
(from a contest held online)
On a cardboard windshield sun shade: "Warning: Do Not Drive With Sun Shield in Place." We were going to make it a winner, until we discovered that it wasn't made up.

Fourth Runner-Up -- On an infant's bathtub: Do not throw baby out with bath water. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

Third Runner-Up -- On a package of Fisherman's Friend(R) throat lozenges: Not meant as substitute for human companionship. (Tom Witte, Gaithersburg) Second Runner-Up -- On a Magic 8 Ball: Not advised for use as a home pregnancy test. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

First Runner-Up -- On a roll of Life Savers: Not for use as a flotation device. (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

And the winner of the Power Ranger pinata -- On a cup of McDonald's coffee: Allow to cool before applying to groin area. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)
Honorable Mentions
On a Pentium chip: If this product exhibits errors, the manufacturer will replace it for a $2 shipping and a $3 handling charge, for a total of $4.97. (Russell Beland, Springfield)

On a refrigerator: Refrigerate after opening. (Cissie J. Owen, Leesburg)

On a pack of cigarettes: WARNING -- The Tobacco Institute has determined that smoking just one cigarette greatly increases your risk of heart attack by making you so incredibly sexy that gorgeous members of the opposite sex surround you night and day, begging for intercourse and wearing you into exhaustion, unless, of course, you have another couple of cigarettes to steady your nerves. (Jacob Weinstein, McLean)

On a disposable razor: Do not use this product during an earthquake. (Jim Gaffney, Manassas)

On a handgun: Not recommended for use as a nutcracker. (Art Grinath, Takoma Park)

On pantyhose: Not to be used in the commission of a felony. (Judith Daniel, Washington)

On a piano: Harmful or fatal if swallowed. (Peter Fay, Herndon)

On a can of Fix-a-Flat: Not to be used for breast augmentation. (Jerry Robin, Gaithersburg)

On Kevorkian's suicide machine: This product uses carbon monoxide, which has been found to cause cancer in laboratory rats. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On Lyndon LaRouche literature: Mr. LaRouche is a serious political figure and not a paranoid lunatic, and should therefore -- Hey, what are you looking at? Quit staring at me. (Meg Sullivan, Potomac)

On work gloves: For best results, do not leave at crime scene. (Ken Krattenmaker, Landover Hills)

On a palm sander: Not to be used to sand palms. (Patrick G. White, Taneytown)

On a calendar: Use of term "Sunday" for reference only. No meteorological warranties express or implied. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On Odor Eaters: Do not eat. (Chuck Smith, Woodbridge)

On Sen. Bob Dole: WARNING: Contents under pressure and may explode. (Doug Keim, Schaumburg, Ill. )

On a blender: Not for use as an aquarium. (Gary Dawson, Arlington)

On a fax machine: WARNING! Never attempt to directly fax anyone an image of your naked buttocks. Always photocopy your buttocks and fax the photocopy. (John Kammer, Herndon)

On syrup of ipecac: Caution: May cause vomiting. (Paul Styrene, Olney)

On a revolving door: Passenger compartments for individual use only. (Elden Carnahan, Laurel)

On a microscope: Objects are smaller and less alarming than they appear. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

On children's alphabet blocks: Letters may be used to construct words, phrases and sentences that may be deemed offensive. (David Handelsman, Charlottesville)

On a wet suit: Capacity, 1. (J. Calvin Smith, Laurel)

And Last: On The Washington Post: Do not cut up and use for blackmail note. (Joseph Romm, Washington).

Capt'n Midnight

A Call for More Scientific Truth in Product Warning Labels
by Susan Hewitt and Ed Subitzky

As scientists and concerned citizens, we applaud the recent trend towards legislation that requires the prominent placing of warnings on products that present hazards to the general public. Yet we must also offer the cautionary thought that such warnings, however well- intentioned, merely scratch the surface of what is really necessary in this important area. This is especially true in light of the findings of 20th century physics.

We are therefore proposing that, as responsible scientists, we join together in an intensive push for new laws that will mandate the conspicuous placement of suitably informative warnings on the packaging of every product offered for sale in the United States of America. Our suggested list of warnings appears below.

WARNING: This Product Warps Space and Time in Its Vicinity.

WARNING: This Product Attracts Every Other Piece of Matter in the Universe, Including the Products of Other Manufacturers, with a Force Proportional to the Product of the Masses and Inversely Proportional to the Distance Between Them.

CAUTION: The Mass of This Product Contains the Energy Equivalent of 85 Million Tons of TNT per Net Ounce of Weight.

HANDLE WITH EXTREME CARE: This Product Contains Minute Electrically Charged Particles Moving at Velocities in Excess of Five Hundred Million Miles Per Hour.

CONSUMER NOTICE: Because of the "Uncertainty Principle," It Is Impossible for the Consumer to Find Out at the Same Time Both Precisely Where This Product Is and How Fast It Is Moving.

ADVISORY: There is an Extremely Small but Nonzero Chance That, Through a Process Know as "Tunneling," This Product May Spontaneously Disappear from Its Present Location and Reappear at Any Random Place in the Universe, Including Your Neighbor's Domicile. The Manufacturer Will Not Be Responsible for Any Damages or Inconvenience That May Result.

READ THIS BEFORE OPENING PACKAGE: According to Certain Suggested Versions of the Grand Unified Theory, the Primary Particles Constituting this Product May Decay to Nothingness Within the Next Four Hundred Million Years.

THIS IS A 100% MATTER PRODUCT: In the Unlikely Event That This Merchandise Should Contact Antimatter in Any Form, a Catastrophic Explosion Will Result.

PUBLIC NOTICE AS REQUIRED BY LAW: Any Use of This Product, in Any Manner Whatsoever, Will Increase the Amount of Disorder in the Universe. Although No Liability Is Implied Herein, the Consumer Is Warned That This Process Will Ultimately Lead to the Heat Death of the Universe.

NOTE: The Most Fundamental Particles in This Product Are Held Together by a "Gluing" Force About Which Little is Currently Known and Whose Adhesive Power Can Therefore Not Be Permanently Guaranteed.

ATTENTION: Despite Any Other Listing of Product Contents Found Hereon, the Consumer is Advised That, in Actuality, This Product Consists Of 99.9999999999% Empty Space.

NEW GRAND UNIFIED THEORY DISCLAIMER: The Manufacturer May Technically Be Entitled to Claim That This Product Is Ten- Dimensional. However, the Consumer Is Reminded That This Confers No Legal Rights Above and Beyond Those Applicable to Three-Dimensional Objects, Since the Seven New Dimensions Are "Rolled Up" into Such a Small "Area" That They Cannot Be Detected.

PLEASE NOTE: Some Quantum Physics Theories Suggest That When the Consumer Is Not Directly Observing This Product, It May Cease to Exist or Will Exist Only in a Vague and Undetermined State.

COMPONENT EQUIVALENCY NOTICE: The Subatomic Particles (Electrons, Protons, etc.) Comprising This Product Are Exactly the Same in Every Measurable Respect as Those Used in the Products of Other Manufacturers, and No Claim to the Contrary May Legitimately Be Expressed or Implied.

HEALTH WARNING: Care Should Be Taken When Lifting This Product, Since Its Mass, and Thus Its Weight, Is Dependent on Its Velocity Relative to the User.

IMPORTANT NOTICE TO PURCHASERS: The Entire Physical Universe, Including This Product, May One Day Collapse Back into an Infinitesimally Small Space. Should Another Universe Subsequently Re-emerge, the Existence of This Product in That Universe Cannot Be Guaranteed.