Help

worried2

I am in a semi-long term with relationship with my girlfriend, and we are both 17. We are sexually active, but have never actually had sexual intercourse,but we were planning to very shortly. For some strange reason, I constantly worry about her being pregnant,even though i know in my head that there is no possible way that she could be. This is leading to the breakdown of our relationship, and i dont know what to do, because i dont want this realtionship to end. Can anyone help me, maybe reassure me and tell me how easy or hard it is to get pregnant? Or give me a diagnosis of whats wrong with me? It's destroying me!

derek27

what makes you worried that she is pregnant? you haven't had intercourse with her yet, so are you worried that she could've gotten pregnant by someone else?

there is no standard for how easy or difficut it is to get pregnant either. differs from one couple to the next. depends on the stage the girl is at in her menstrual cycle and fertility among other factors. is it that you are worried that she is pregnant for someone and is trying to trap you into thinking its yours or something. i'm sorry, your original post only gives a very vague idea of whats going on.

use contraception and exercise due diigence and care when you have sex and you'll have nothing to be worried about. cear this issue up in your head before you do have sex or else you may land out not performing well with the issues on our mind

worried2

No, i dont ever doubt that she is faithful, i trust her completely. I often worry bout whether there was any sperm on my hand after fingering her, and i worry whether her period will come as a result. We have been very close to having sex, and i know that we are always careful, but i never use a condom when were not having sex. If were doing stuff without actually having sex, there is no protection.

derek27

sorry, was eating my tea.

well that's good that you trust her.
have you said this to her?
if not, bring it up, but dont do it in an alarming way that might see her freak out. the best thing to put your mind at ease is to get a regnancy test.

although i'm not saing its impossible she could've gotten pregnant while fooling around, its not not very likely. sperm need to be deposited deep into the vagina to stand a chance of reaching an egg. but certainly, get a test to be certain. you can pick one up at any chemist, or there are plenty of places you can go such as a heath clinic or 'CURA' who will provide a free confidential testing service. both of you should try and be more careful in future and you wont have to worry about such things again.

hope you and your gf keep well.

worried2

That's where the problem lies. She knows about this problem, and understandably,she is sick to the teeth of it, and its leading to problems, because it happens regularly. I worry about the stupidest things, and i hate it just as much as her. I feel that my problem is that if i dont know enough information about how impossible it was to get pregnant when we're just fooling around without a condom, or even having sex with a condom.

RotalicaV

this is a warning RotalicaV,
further comments like this will get you banned.

Read the charter,
Have a nice day.
Thaed

Nevyn

Well good to see that you view the matter seriously and want to take the time to inform yourself about what may happen. The matter of contraception is something and you and your gf should deal with as a couple.

You need information,
http://www.ifpa.ie/contraception/index.html
http://www.ifpa.ie/download/GuideContra05.pdf
http://www.vhi.ie/hfiles/hf-060.jsp
http://www.shb.ie/content900626147_1.cfm

Eve e

I think you seem to be suffering a bit from over-anxiety, letting your imagination of what might happen rule your logical perspective on reality (you kind of know in your mind its not possible that’s she’s pregnant, but the over active imagination is getting the better of you) its very common a lot of people do this. Explain to your girlfriend how you feel, that you worry a bit more about these things and you just want to be sure. Educate yourself on pregnancy/contraception,it will help put your mind at ease.

worried2

I know and am aware of all the methods of contraception, but i have no experience of them. i feel that if i had sex, i would probably have a panic attack afterwards. She knows all of this, and the problem is that when i worry, i end up talking to her about it. its got to the point now that we've talked bout it so much, that she's threatened to break up with me over it. And she's right,kuz it happens way too much. I think im just scared, and am probably under the impression that if sperm gets anywhere near her, she'll get pregnant. I know it's stupid, but i cant help thinkin after we do stuff " Jesus, what if some got in?" Whats wrong with me?

RoadSweeper

Slap her on the pill.
Its 99% effective.
Its not effective if she vomits or has diahoreia. (SP?)

Eve e

worried2 wrote:

I think im just scared, and am probably under the impression that if sperm gets anywhere near her, she'll get pregnant. I know it's stupid, but i cant help thinkin after we do stuff " Jesus, what if some got in?" Whats wrong with me?

Yes, you’re under the impression, not the facts please read the links given earlier.

No,it is not stupid some people worry more than others, they panic about details replaying them again and again in their minds, until there blown out of proportion.

worried2

No,it is not stupid some people worry more than others, they panic about details replaying them again and again in their minds, until there blown out of proportion.

But how do i stop this? I know that if i have sex, i will be thinking afterwards, " What if we're in that 1% bracket that get pregnant even with condoms?". Surely this is not healthy? Is it just a matter of becoming confident? About two months ago, we had a pregnancy scare, and she was 3 days late. That weekend was terrible. I was worried sick all weekend. How do i overcome this problem, or is it normal?

Eve e

DON’T let your mind go into overdrive with worry’s about ‘what if ‘, when you’re your panicking abnormally be aware of this knowing it’s just your mind working overtime. When you feel a stupid worry coming on know that it is just that, a pointless worry, do not it give any importance in your thoughts, the more you do the more it will feel more real than it is.

leggo

Bro, if it happens, it happens.

If you want to be 100% re-assured that she's not preggers, don't do anything sexual. That's the only way to be absolutely sure.

But if you want to be sexually active with her, you have to accept the consequences. As Derek outlined, it's VERY difficult for sperm to get up there through fingering. But there's still that tiny possibility, so to at least cut it down to almost negligible wash your hands after anything you might've done that would involve getting sperm on your fingers before fingering her. If you want to take it further, yeah the pill is the best way to go. If you're safe and lucky, a condom is effective too, but you can get times when you're unsafe or unlucky.

It comes with the turf though man. You can never be 100% sure that what you do won't lead to pregnancy, only be safe and cut down the chances. You'll just HAVE to put your angst over whether she's pregnant or not to the back of your mind. Have it there and always be aware of the possibility, but don't let it dominate your relationship. Cus it's either that or cutting out ANYTHING sexual, and I'm sure that suits neither you nor your partner.

worried2

Seriously though, is pregnancy without sex common? If i was extremely careful from now on, and when we do have sex, if we were careful, would there be much chance? Like, if i wore a condom, and she was in the last few days of her cycle?

leggo

Pregnancy without sex is rare. It's physically difficult to do since the reason you actually squirt, to put it bluntly, is because it needs to travel some distance to actually reach the fallopian tubes and make contact with her egg (I'm waiting for someone to either back me up with figures, or say I'm wrong and cite figures that pretty much concur with me but do so with more scientific terms).

BUT...

The way I see it, you've got a one in two chance. She either is or she isn't. I can throw as many figures at you to re-assure you, but pregnancies happen where pregnancies shouldn't happen ALL THE TIME, so really that's no use to you. You have to face up to the fact that just because the condom is 95% safe and the pill is 99% safe, it doesn't mean **** when she shows positive on a pregnancy test. I know a guy who impregnated his wife while using BOTH condoms and on the pill. The guaranteed method wasn't as guaranteed as they thought.

Like I said, the only way to be sure she's not pregnant is not to do anything that could lead to that eventuality. There's no other way to be absolutely sure. You have decide whether you want to do it and be doubtful or whether you don't want her to be pregnant so much that you're willing to forego all possible ways of doing so. You can't have your cake and eat it in this situation unfortunately man.

worried2

Oh no, i know for a fact that she isnt actually pregnant, her period came a few days ago. Im not worrying now, i just need help, because i know that this problem is just gonna keep rearing its ugly head. Is it normal, or am im over-anxious? Whenever her periods even a day late, i find myself incessently worrying about whether there is any chance. I know that this is stupid, because there is no regularity with periods. Her becoming pregnant would be terrible, but at the same time i really love this girl, and would do anything for her. I realy want to have sex, but find myself afraid about what i would be like after it. I dont know if i can handle the stress after it, the constant worrying. if we had sex towards the end of her cycle would it make any difference?

Victor

Is your girlfriend on the pill? If you are going to have sex, it might be a good idea if she was. Best to let her settle into a pattern with the pill before you have sex. It might help settle your nerves.

leggo wrote:

The way I see it, you've got a one in two chance.

They're not "chance"s - they are two results. Big difference.

OP, why don't you just chill with what you are doing. Have fun, but play on the safe side. If you are going to finger your girlfriend, make sure theres no semen around.

And while I don't recommend babies as fashion accessories, getting pregnant isn't the worst thing thats happened someone. Yes, it has serious implications, especially for someone of your age, but it's not the end of the world.

Eve e

Is it the worry about her getting pregnant that’s stressing you out, or the fact that sometimes your worries get out of proportion with what you THINK might happen?

worried2

Both! But moreso going into overdrive, because usually when it happens, i know in my heart that she is not pregnant. It just blows completly out of proportion. How is it that some people can have unprotected sex(fools,i know), andnot get pregnant? and then others will be careful every single time and still get pregnant?

leggo

Chance and luckiness/unluckiness. Nothing more, nothing less.

I was like you when I started. She'd be ten minutes late and I'd be devising a quick getaway plan (nah I kid, as Victor said I don't see her getting pregnant as the absolute worst thing in the world). You just have to put it out of your mind. If you're gonna have sex, them's the consequences, so just know that, be safe, wear a condom/get her to go on the pill and enjoy yourself. There's absolutely nothing you can do aside from that. Nothing. Nada. Niente. You're worrying is pointless so you'll just have to forget about it. Easier said than done I know, but it's something you'll HAVE to do for your own, and your relationship's, benefit.

Eve e

If you feel its is affecting your everyday life that much, that your giving too much headspace to problems that your clever enough to know are completely irrational and causing yourself no end of stress, it might be worth your while going to see your G.P.? They will be able to reassure you more and give you some advice on how to deal with anxiety/stress. I know a least one person who used to suffer from over-anxiety (probably loads more, but they would never admit to It)

Victor

worried2 wrote:

Both! But moreso going into overdrive, because usually when it happens, i know in my heart that she is not pregnant. It just blows completly out of proportion. How is it that some people can have unprotected sex(fools,i know), andnot get pregnant? and then others will be careful every single time and still get pregnant?

Random chance. Not doing it right. Sterility. One of them actually doing it (contraception) right.

And still something like a third of pregnancies are unexpected.

worried2

I was like you when I started

Is this the same for everyone? Now that you mention it, this is my first ever serious relationship. Does it get any better? Is this a normal problem?

Personally, i blame the sex ed in this country. If a condom doesnt break, is pregnancy still possible? If we tested the condom afterwards by pouring water into it, and seeing if it leaks, be an indication that any sperm got through? And if it did go through, she could get the MA pill.
Also, if my girlfriend was towards the very end of her cycle when we had sex, does that lessen the odds? Are the most fertile days (ie the days to avoid having sex on) between days 9-18? Or woul it make no difference having sex on day 12(fertil day) or day 23(non fertile)?

I know that i prob analyse it too much, but its just that i really want to be careful. These replies are helping a lot,thank you.

Victor

worried2 wrote:

Does it get any better?

I imagine things will calm down as they "normalise".

worried2 wrote:

If a condom doesnt break, is pregnancy still possible?

Condoms aren't perfect. What if you spill some semen? What if there was semen on your penis before you put the condom on? (Not trying to frighten you)

worried2 wrote:

If we tested the condom afterwards by pouring water into it, and seeing if it leaks, be an indication that any sperm got through?

Marginally gross and not very scientific.

For the rest of your questions, I would actually refer you to someone better qualified / suggest you read the links on http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showpost.php?p=2928635&postcount=7

LegacyUser

Listen.

If you do the deed, you have to be responsible enough (and honest) to say to yourself "yes, girls get pregnant, and cause I have sex, it can happen to me too".

If you are that worried abstain until your mentality about the situation changes or - youll always have the same worries (may I add like most the population) about this, but its how you handle it.

The fact is that, yes, she can get pregnant through non-intercourse sex. May be small but it is possible.

fair play to you though for asking these questions in the first place - alot of people dont.

worried2

I guess that ill just have to accept it, and be mature enough to accept the responsibilities that go with it. Would i be right in saying though that if i took extreme care, the chances would be very slim?

leggo

Yes (95%-condom, 99%-pill). Just make sure you know how to put on a condom (pinch it at the top and roll it down gently, not like you're pulling up a sock) and you'll hopefully benefit from the safety it provides. I say use a condom and ask her if she'd go on the pill. Only a miracle can overcome those odds (though it does happen).

Laois Fan

Is this man for real go talk to your girlfriend not some strangers of what you are doing is it such a personal things for god sake use protection and read a book if you are unsure maybe you are too young to be sexual active if you have all these doubts

Get a life read a book!

MooShop

if you keep going like this with your obsessive paranoia she WILL break up with you, yes it does get easier, most people are probably anxious at first but you should over come this once you have sex a few times. dont pour water into the condom afterwards that will seem to her like you see it as a chore and a big worry and she will be mad at you, girls like a cuddle after sex and just relax together, if you go and start saying sh*t like "OMG what if" "i must test the condom" you will lose her. all you can do is wear a condom and get her on the pill, thats the safest you can be so there's no point worrying about it, enjoy yourself.

if it happens that she does get pregnant you have to be mature enough to take responsibility because you wanted to do it.

just relax there's no point filling your head with "what if's"

~Rebel~

At first at least if you want complete piece of mind, the safest you could be is to use Extra Safe condoms, the pill, and try to have sex within the 5 days directly following her period when theres nothing actually there to impregnate. Obviously there is still that minor minor minor chance but its as safe as you can get pretty much. Hope this is of some use to you. I've had the same worries, as im sure everyone has, but just be as careful as you can, make sure before you cum that the condom is still fully on (dont need to go disrupting, will be able to see while having sex) [ich sorry for the graphicness] and have fun! It is a pleasure thing after all.

LundiMardi

I used to think a lot like you man.

Don't worry, you will get used to it eventually, just make sure she's on the pill before you do anything.

Only once has a condom broke on me before, my gf went to the doctor but the doc said she didn't need the MA pill because she was already on the pill.

Trust me, when your gf goes on the pill, anytime you feel worried, be sure to read the booklet that comes with it, it tells you what exactly it does and makes you feel 100% better.

For now though, just wash your hands before doing anything like that.

Dathai

Listen man, Im gonna be honest with you.

If you are doing stuff with her, relax, and think to yourself that everything is fine.There is no way that she can get pregnant if you are fingering her, not a chance. I know how being over protective you are of her,especially with pregnancy.Im UNBELIEVABLY overprotective of my gf and like yourself I would freak out or go insane if anything happened to her.
I have had an accident with the gf in the past, and we sorted it out,I paid for the morning after pill, I went in with her, held her hand and she said it made her feel a world of a difference.Just remember,

1)If you are simply fooling around, without any intercourse, there is a sheer fire way that she is definatly not pregnant.

2)If you do have sex with her with a condom on, get the extra strength ones, and if you are worried about her after sex, examine the condom carefully for any rips etc.

3)If you are still worried, talk to her, and if you feel that the morning after pill is a good idea, then get it.It costs 50 euro by the place beside SMYTHS toys over by parnell street.

Just try your best to rethink about what you say to her about pregnancy, if you explain to her that you love her dearly and you wish for her to be ok, then I sincerly think you should just take your time with sex.Until you both are comfortable with the fact of sex.

worried2

Before i stop pestering you with questions, i have one more. If i wear a condom, is the only way she can get pregnant if it breaks, or i spill some?

~Rebel~

Dathai wrote:

3)If you are still worried, talk to her, and if you feel that the morning after pill is a good idea, then get it

The morning after pill should only be used as a very last last resort as can be very unpredictable and have serious side effects. Just so you know. (gf's a nurse so have been given the lowdown on the girly side of things!)

MooShop

worried2 wrote:

Before i stop pestering you with questions, i have one more. If i wear a condom, is the only way she can get pregnant if it breaks, or i spill some?

listen man you gotta stop worrying so much and relax about it, for her to get pregnant sperm needs to get to her eggs and penetrate them (i am telling you this cos you dont seem to have much knowlege on the subject) so therefore if you have a condom on and it doesnt break then the sperm hasnt entered her and therefore cant get pregnant, so get her to go on the pill wear a condom and you'll be fine (its the safest you can be so at least you cant say you werent safe)


how does your gf feel about this, what does she think???

Victor

worried2 wrote:

Before i stop pestering you with questions, i have one more. If i wear a condom, is the only way she can get pregnant if it breaks, or i spill some?

Not every tear or hole will be obvious, but its **highly** unlikely. Just make sure you get the condom on early, as small quantities of semen are present well before ejaculation.

Regarding testing the condom by filling it with water - this is not a prevention measure, all you would be doing is testing the condom after the fact.

1)If you are simply fooling around, without any intercourse, there is a [sure] fire way that she is definatly not pregnant.

However, manually stimulating her with semen on his hands would be imprudent behaviour.

newgrange

Worried, you need to educate yourself - most of your 'what if...?' questions do not make sense. Your girlfriend should also educate herself about her fertility for her own good, though sadly most women don't.

Get to know her cycle. Find out about ovulation, chart her ovulation period for a few months. With some imagination, this can be a fun thing to do. Once you see the pattern within which she ovulates, then you can be sure of what days you are most at risk of pregnancy.

There are SO many other things you can do that do not bring your bits anywhere near her bits - have fun finding out about them too.

Re the Pill: It might be convenient, but it is not 100% effective, and more importantly, your girlfriend may not think the health risks are worth it, so, again, EDUCATE yourselves on the pros and cons. You can find information all over the place, certainly on the net, though probably the most responsible thing to do would be to draw up a list of your questions and worries and ask a health professional about them. I say draw up a list in advance as we all forget what we meant to ask at the time.

It's good that you are thinking of implications of your actions, but worrying too much is almost as bad as not worrying at all.