I really need some help... very embarassing...

Rozie

Here's the deal, I have been diagnosed with gender identity disorder. This means that I (most likely)quite literally have a female brain, but unfortunately, a male body.
I am physically male, and have presented myself as male the last few years except on the rare occasion in Stables or Scholars when it was too dark and drunk for anyone much to tell.
This is something that's built up in me a long time, but sometime around late last year it became unbearable, and I even started going out as a girl on occasion, just to feel comfortable.
As you can tell, I'm very thrilled about this mixing with the whole living in Limerick thing.

I stand out quite a bit, and I wouldn't particularily want to look plain, either way. I absolutely couldn't stand that.

I'm about to cry right now, I don't know what to do. Irish people don't have a great history of tolerance for these things, and Limerick is hardly a good place to do it. I don't know how I'm going to explain it to my "class-mates". I actually did make friends with a few... sort of... I don't know what to say.

It doesn't help I'm lonely and have essentially no friends. I don't know what to do. I can't stand living in a fake male shell any longer...

This doesn't belong in the personal problems folder as it is relevant to UL... but seriously, what am I meant to do? I am so lost and alone with no idea what to do... GID is something like 1 in 1000 and people have more information and find out younger these days(though it kills you when you do) surely are are other TSes around, somewhere?

I'm thinking of going back fulltime, without hormones, but with hair removal, and getting HRT as soon as I can... I reckon I have a feminine face, anyway, and I've put on a bit of weight so you can't see my male bone structure so much.
I want to be seen as an interesting person, but not a total freak.

This is so embarassing but I don't know where else to go... please help, someone?

Dave

Would be more suited to PI forum to be honest.

Rozie

Yeah, but it's not the problem that's bothering me, it's going back to UL fulltime, if you get me.

Jimi-Spandex

Don't really think the problem would be very different if you were goin back to any other college in any other city except perhaps San Francisco.

tbh, you shouldn't really be bothered by people thinking you're a total freak in fairness. If they want to be judgemental like that, fúck em.

I'm not going to lie to you though, it will be incredibly difficult in the beginning but much better for you in the medium/long term.

You'll probably find it much easier to make friends if you're just being yourself, which is what you're doing.

Either that or this is the most imaginative troll ever.

Mr. CooL ICE

Rozie wrote:

please help, someone?

Seriously, what exactly are we supposed to do? Help what?

MicraBoy

Rozie I guess your first step would be to get into contact with UL LGBT society. They are bound to have the information, support and resources you require. Plus it is probably the best place to meet new and accepting people. You'll probably find you are not alone in being scared at coming out to the big bad world. It's time to stop being embaressed about who you are.

UL LGBT

Mr. CooL ICE

I dont think so. Ive seen a guy dress up as a woman in the scholars on an ordinary night for no reason, and ive got a feeling that this is the same person.

Rozie

LordChessington wrote:

I dont think so. Ive seen a guy dress up as a woman in the scholars on an ordinary night for no reason, and ive got a feeling that this is the same person.

Bah, don't remind me about that. I was absolutely terrible at it. Now I've had laser and actually learned to use makeup and cover my body shape a bit better. My hair is a few inches longer too, though I had enough of it already I guess.

One night when I was out dressed up, I had some ****er come up to me and ask me what I was wearing, and saying how I was what was wrong with the country(I wasn't aware we were that common) and all that.
I laughed really hard behind his back though and he looked back and looked displeased at that fact, I don't think he expected me to not burst out in tears or something.
At least I have the advantage that if a fight breaks out over it, the overbearing jock is going to get the bad end of the stick rather than the funny little transgirl (though I'm actually 5'11).

I mean I'm going to be presenting myself as female, all the time, this time.

During the day, It'll be subtle, I'll probably just dress ind of hippie-ish and wear feminine makeup, sort of a "Make-up your own mind" thing, but dress up more heavily at night, except when I'm staying late.

No, franky, it's not a pisstake, but that kind of hurt my feelings.

I don't know. I'm pretty ****ed up right now. I have to get more laser done, I won't be able to have any stubble grown if I go back FT, which I need for laser. I HATE that. For 3 days I have to be totally male. Ugh.

I'm dying my hair red, it'll detract attention from the rest of me...

This is ****ing hard. I don't know how I'm going to do it, face people... but at the end of the day there's no reason not to. I could wait until I'll never see them again, but I could turn that around and say that I may as well do it now, becuase in 2 years, I'll never see them again.

I'd just really like some opinions or whatever, I guess, and try not to snigger if you see me around not yet being 100% perfectly feminine.

I may just go for the Andro look though, and just use heavy makeup and clothes at night... which should I do?

kaimera

tbh Rozie, PI is more suited for this.

Going to UL isn't the factor here cos it could be any college in the country.

Nukem

On hols - moving to PI


Nukem

Rozie

kaimera wrote:

tbh Rozie, PI is more suited for this.

Going to UL isn't the factor here cos it could be any college in the country.

Okay. It's just because of the whole Limerick = stab city thing... I just read a story where a Trans in the US who passed perfectly was beaten and killed when 3 guys found out.

Victor

Rozie, you really do need to talk to some people who have gone through this before and or have helped people do it.

You need to get their insights, not just on a philsophical or psychological level but also on a whole lot of practical things (like the make-up).

Talliesin

Rozie wrote:

Okay. It's just because of the whole Limerick = stab city thing.

Talk to your Student Union's LGBT Officer or Welfare Officer. They should have both local knowledge about Limerick and be able to help you or find you help with any issues you have about the GID.

Shabadu

I know you are in Limerick, but would you consider coming up to Dublin for the day? There's a place on Capel Street called the Outhouse:

http://www.outhouse.ie/

There's a MtF transsexual girl who volunteers there (actually lives a few apartments down from me) who councils people going through similar transitions. I'm sure she'd give you advice and support.

Rozie

Victor wrote:

Rozie, you really do need to talk to some people who have gone through this before and or have helped people do it.

You need to get their insights, not just on a philsophical or psychological level but also on a whole lot of practical things (like the make-up).

Haven't found any TS people in Limerick, really. Wonder if there are any?

1 in a 1000... got to be some, but how many open?

the_syco

Rozie wrote:

Haven't found any TS people in Limerick, really. Wonder if there are any?

1 in a 1000... got to be some, but how many open?

Meh: they may be shy, and not want to "out" themselves. Goto UL's GLB society, and you may find that there are other TS's around.

Beruthiel

Rozie
I am going to post a link to this thread on the LGB forum on the off chance that someone has some ideas for you
a

newgrange

Have you contacted Belong2?
They have a transgendered section.
http://www.belongto.org

I agree with Victor and Shabadu, you need to talk to people who have actually lived through it, or are further on in their journey than you.

Wibbs

Rozie, if it helps I knew a guy many years ago in a very similar situation to yourself. He took a lot of hard crap over the years but now she's doing ok. Last I heard she was in the states living a "normal" life shacked up with a significant other, white picket fence, the lot. It's not much in the way of advice but just to let you know that you may be pleasantly surprised how these things can work themselves out.

You've a lot of hard choices ahead, choices I for one wouldn't like to have, but make the choice to be who you need to be. Look at the woman whose website you posted on another subject in fashion(much abuse you were givin' me too ). That, as you pointed out, is someone who is being true to themselves and all the happier for it.

Anyway Good luck and best wishes in whatever you chose to do.

wheresthebeef

belongto, the youth group which supports LGBT young people had a talk recently from a lady named Gill who is a male to female transgender person.

you should consider calling Outhouse in dublin and asking to speak with her. She is really nice and friendly and will answer all your questions and give you the best advice for your problem.

I hope you get yourself sorted out soon, so you can live the life you want to live Rozie.

Belongto have a website www.belongto.org and cater for young people aged 18-23. Michael Barron is the youth worker there. I am sure he would be happy to speak to you as well. He is in outhouse most days of the week too.

Email: belongto@eircom.net

Phone: 01-873 4184

Naos

Dont mind those that dont matter, because those that matter dont mind.

Good luck Rozie.

FranknFurter

Rozie,
Hon, you have a long hard road ahead of you babe, no denying that.
No matter what you do, there will always be somone that calls you weird.

All you can do, is learn how to get support, and how to ask for it, IRL.

Be very carefull never to put yourself in a dangerous situation, plan your every move as much as you can. Most ppl have the luxury of not having to. You, for the sake of staying alive, do not.

I wish you luck hon, and if you ever need an ear, im here, I lived with a few TV's in my life. But rozie, dont rush, if you rush you fall.

b

Rozie

Thank you.

And I didn't mean you offense in the other topic, I was going off on a tangent because it made me think of "goth for a bit, then in with the crowd, but I'm still a goth, really" types who have given me a lot of **** on IRC, who really aren't a whole lot better than the "trend" goths in principle, in my opinion.

The same crowd have given me a crapload of hassle for being trans, incidently. IRC isn't too good for me. thought he trans support channels are okay.

annR

Rozie

I gotta say that I've always thought TS's were really courageous although I never knew any. I did meet one in the swimming pool changing rooms last year, a middle aged lady who had a really feminine voice but from what I could see of the physique was defo a man at some point.

I'm all for live and let live, anyone who gives you any hassle is really not worth a second thought.

A

Ladypawpaw

Rozie wrote:

Here's the deal, I have been diagnosed with gender identity disorder. This means that I (most likely)quite literally have a female brain, but unfortunately, a male body.

Doesn't shock or bother me one bit.

Rozie wrote:

I stand out quite a bit, and I wouldn't particularily want to look plain, either way. I absolutely couldn't stand that.

I want to be seen as an interesting person, but not a total freak.
someone?

The above comments are quite telling. Why do you care so much about how people "see" you? The most important thing is how you see yourself.

jcoote

u have no choice but to care what people think and its just something u need to become comfortbale wit yourself and if u can do that telling people will be easy...are u attratcted to men??? i'm sure other homosexuals would speak quite openly to u about it...

Shabadu

She's not a homosexual man, she is a straight woman in a man's body. There is a difference.

shellby

try and get some professional help or talk to someone who has been through the same thing there have been plenty of suggestions here
i admire your courage and hope evrything works out well for you

Rozie

Shabadu wrote:

She's not a homosexual man, she is a straight woman in a man's body. There is a difference.

Thanks but I'm actually bi XD A little more interested in girls right now, since I need to be around all things feminine and pretty.

You certainly have the right idea though.

LegacyUser

Rozie wrote:

Thanks but I'm actually bi XD A little more interested in girls right now, since I need to be around all things feminine and pretty.

You certainly have the right idea though.

I can see now where the other topic of what group you belong to (goths) is important to you, the reason being it seems that you are having an identity crisis on a much deeper level.
You seem too concerned with how you are percieved, I'd just go with the flow if I were you and be less concerned about labels (bi XD) and just get on with it.
Drop the labels and relax, not everyone needs a tag.

Rozie

Well, that's important as I'm attracted to both genders. It's not just a "label".

_blank_

Can I ask what does "bi XD" mean?

I know what the "bi" part means, I think - bisexual?

But the XD has be flumoxed.

Tiffany

Bisexual cross-dresser.

R0ot

Right can i just state something, everyone's brain is the same, it may have defects but everyones brain is essentially the same, the reason some people are smarter or better at something is because they use it differently. You may have a chemical imbalance but not a female brain cause there is no such thing.

o Fiac

This post has been deleted.

o Fiac

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PhantomBeaker

seansouth wrote:

Can I ask what does "bi XD" mean?

I know what the "bi" part means, I think - bisexual?

But the XD has be flumoxed.

Jeez, here was me thinking that XD was a smilie... a friend of mine uses it just for eyes scrunched shut and an incredibly big and cheesy grin. Something a bit like but with eyes like in a big X. If you watch southpark closely you see the same thing. So when I saw "Bi XD" I was thinking "Bi and loving it *big cheesy grin*"

But that's an aside. As for how you're perceived - I an understand how it can be important to feel you belong to something. Passing as female, passing as a goth. Passing as whatever. Being in any sort of group that can sometimes feel like you have some sort of surrogate family that understands aspects of you better - from what I understand, it's one of the things that Army training plays on... your family is your other soldiers and your gun. I could be very wrong on that bit though.

(By the way, when I'm using the word 'you' from here, it's mainly meant in the general sense, not to anyone in particular.)

The thing is, anyone who says "Why do you feel the need to belong" has probably been at the stage where they jump from billy to jack trying to feel out a niche for themselves where they can find some sense of belonging. Thing is, you generally find it, but at a price: when you join part of a group trying to belong, there's quite a change that you will try to fit to all their ideals, even if it's not something that you agree with. So, even if it's not something that fits you, you throw yourself into it. This is generally called overcompensation - i.e. you might be given the idea of "You're not X because you're not saying/doing/thinking Y. You don't belong unless you're saying/doing/thinking Y, and you won't get our validation" so, you rush into Y, even if you don't believe in it. At some point, the crash will come, where you realise that all the nonsense you put yourself through to feel like you belong is totally at odds with who you are.

The people who have been through this process a number of times realised that their sense of belonging has to come from something other than validation from others. (wow, pop-psych at it's best, but I find it's true... at least for me) So the people who realised where it really comes from say "Why should it matter what groups you are in or what labels you apply to yourself?" seemingly forgetting that you have to make that jump from feeling like you have to belong somewhere.

Personally, I use certain labels to describe myself, but I don't particularly stick to them if I don't have to. I mean, I'm bi... but quite frankly I don't think of it as being attracted to both genders, I think of it as just liking people (some people apply the phrase omnisexual to that idea, I just don't like the phrase, so I won't use it... bisexual works just as well for me), regardless of the whole male/female/other aspect... yes it does play a role.

But anyway, I digress. I could explain that aspect of my life ad nauseum, or I could just say "i'm bi" if you want the short answer. Labels are a handy common language - it may not totally apply, but once you accept that, and once you just treat it as a social shorthand as opposed to a contract you have to apply to yourself (i.e. if I call myself a "goth", it's probably as a shorthand... it doesn't mean I have to give a crap about who was in Bauhaus at what time. If I was trying to live up to the ideal of goth, I'd probably go off and learn it by rote, but life's too short to stuff mushrooms, so I just use "I'm a goth" as a short answer to why I wear too much black... even though I don't identify as one) life gets a lot saner. I can apply so many labels to my life, if I say "i'm a programmer" I don't say it to try and find some sense of belonging in the programming community, I'll say it because it's something I do.

So, where do I feel I belong? Trans community? Nope. I have trans friends, and will help out trans people if I can, but it doesn't mean I have to feel I belong there. Computing community? Nope. I have CS friends but it doesn't mean I have to feel some kinship with everyone who sits in front of a computer. Bi community? Strangely, I had a very interesting discussion about that tonight... and no. I have bi friends... you get the idea. My sense of belonging is from my circle of friends, whoever they may be, and from myself. My sense of who I am comes from myself.

As for being perceived as female - screw that. Well not totally, but I'm beginning to realise that what's better is if people just are able to treat you as you. Not as a tranny, not as a goth, not as anything other than just you. My best friends don't think of me as any of the above, but I'm just Aoife to them, just as they are (Insert Name here) to me... if they hear something that makes them think of me, yes, they might think of me in a certain way that brought me to mind. Just as I'd think of them in that same way. But to be part of that group I have to be nobody but myself... that includes the incidental fact that I'm a nerd, that includes the incidental fact that my mind spews random stuff (today, for example, I could be quoted as saying "Wow, a gazebo!") which is quite likely to be twisted (people seem to catch onto this fact very quickly... even people who I thought didn't know me that well! :rolleyes: ), that includes the fact that I'm a latent hack (I've got a theory that once you're infected with politi-coli - the pathogen responsible for the infections desire for power (See, I told you I was a nerd!) - that you never fully recover from it, it just goes dormant... like chicken pox), that includes the fact that I'm as queer as a six euro note. They're just my friends: I'm friends with them because they're lovely people, and it feels like they're friends with me for much the same reasons. And that's why I feel I belong. That circle of friends may change drastically, I may change drastically, but life is change, and regardless of what state that circle of friends is in, I have that sense of belonging, because they're the group I belong to just now.

However, I don't think that that lesson is an intellectual one - it just has to be experienced.

Take care,
Aoife