Problem with girlfriend's weight.

LegacyUser

I've been going out with my girlfriend for just over a year now, and since we started going out she's put on quite a bit of weight. At first it didn't bother me but it's really starting to become a major issue, I find myself less turned on by her and I don't know what to do. I haven't said anything to her, because I don't want to hurt her feelings, and I know she's very sensitive about her weight. She's also told me that one of her previous boyfriends gave her a lot of grief over her weight. I wouldn't consider myself someone who's very focused on physical attractiveness but I'd be lying if I said it wasn't a factor. I do love her but it's becoming a big problem for me. Should I talk to her about it? And if so how should I approach the issue.

Thanks.

Reaver772

Should I talk to her about it?
- NO! honesty will get you nowhere, she'll just get pissed off and suddenly your the uncaring mean bastard blah blah blah!


And if so how should I approach the issue.
-Start going to the gym, swimming, walking, cycling whatever activity you like and invite her to join you.
-Try doing the cooking once in a while, she probably doesn't eat a proper meal and so snacks all day instead.

-If you really need to tell her that shes putting on a bit too much weight, slowly approach the subject over a week or so, tell her she looks tired all the time and should try taking some vitamins or try to get some fresh air outside sometimes instead of being constantly jammed inside the cube farm/ factory all day.

Chucky the tree

if you do say it, sugar coat it. Dont say your are becomming less attracted to her, just say your are becoming concerned about her weight for health reasons.

Riamfada

Dont say a word. There is no way you can put that nice. She will see through whatever you say. Is she on the pill. Im told that can make you heavy. For Gods sake dont let her know. When somone you love takes your greatest insecurity and points it out can kill you. There is no easy way about this. Well if you dont love her break up. If you do love her then this shouldnt matter, if you wana love her but this is a problem assess your relationship

nesf

Hmm. One of those bad areas really isn't it. Not something that has a clear cut always works answer.

With some women, you can talk to them straight out about it. Putting on weight, is something that almost everyone has to deal with when they get a bit older. It's one of those it's a fact of life, so how will we deal with it.

With other women, it's just a very very bad idea to say it to them directly.

Most women are somewhere in between these two types. Just leaning more towards one side.

You should know by now where she would lie, we can't answer that for you.



Personally my take on it is this: It's upto her. If she wants to lose weight then cool support her and help her if you can.

If she's happy with a few extra pounds then, well I don't think you've a right to tell her to change.

Badgering her about it will only make her unhappy. That's not fair on her or your relationship.

There are ways to subtley bring this kind of topic up and discuss it rationally. How subtle and careful you need to be depends totally on the person involved. But if they are happy the way they are then you should just accept that and either deal with it or if you can't do so, then move on.

I'm biased though, I went out with a girl for two years who constantly told me how fat I was and how I needed to lose weight. I started out being happy with the way I looked and not being bothered by having a belly. By the end of the two years I was an insecure wreck with no confidence.

Not a very nice experience tbh.

isolde

A lot of girls put on weight when they're in a happy relationship, simply because they stay in, watch dvds, eat pizza, or go out for meals with their "f'la"... etc, etc, etc
I don't know what your own personal weight situation is, but what I would suggest would be for you yourself to go on a health buzz. Tell her you need her help, that if she encourages you by going to the gym with you/cutting out junk food/whatever, that it would be much easier for you. Do something fun like join a dance class, there's loads of salsa ones about at the moment, which can help lose weight. Go for walks together, train for a marathon or something, anything!!

I wouldn't tell her directly... in fact, I would strongly strongly warn against it. For someone you love, like your boyfriend, to tell you you're fat (which she will probably also equate with ugly) would crush you. She probably is all too well aware that she has gained weight. Don't do it.

Change your habits, thus discreetly helping her to change hers.

~ isolde.

DawnMc

Try and take the spin that you want to tone up yourself. Start eating healthily around her and suggesting you join a gym together. Do NOT say it outright to her.

county

honesty is the best policy i think,if my partner put on a few pounds she would want me to tell her but she would know herself if she gained weight.know what i mean?

Rockiemalt

the pill can give you a bigger appitite so you eat more therefore put on weight.
i'd be careful about mentioning it to her

Belladonna

She knows she has put on weight, her clothes are tighter, etc... she doesn't need you to tell her.

Do not mention it. She will lose it if and when she is ready, not before.
I come from an overweight family and have to be very careful with what I eat and make sure I keep active because I know if I don't I will gain weight as well. And if she is starting to gain weight already the battle with her weight will only get worse as she gets older, especially if she has children later on. So be prepared if you are looking at the long term. If she has put on that much weight in just over a year, imagine how bad it might get.

Belladonna

Belladonna wrote:

So be prepared if you are looking at the long term. If she has put on that much weight in just over a year, imagine how bad it might get.

I know what I wrote sounds harsh but I don't think it's fair for women (or men) to attract someone and get into a serious relationship and then just let themselves go. The partner is stuck looking like a jerk if they complain, but it's hardly fair to change your appearance for the worse and expect your partner to still be attracted to you.

county

if your in a long term relationship with your partner you need to tell her how you feel,if you dont it could get very rocky,this will play on your mind and it will not be good for you and your relationship in the long run

weak infant

jog together, as one.

Chucky

I'd like to know what ages ye both are, or even give us a hint. You've never actually replied back either - I hope you are reading these posts as there are many suggestions.

Do you love the girl?

jesus_thats_gre

Comment about how one of your mates was complaining about how his GF had put on weight after they started going on steady...

fade2black

I'd just like to point out that there has been some A1 advice listed up there...when I read the OP I thought of a few replies....all of which were covered by Isolde, DawnMc, Rockiemalt.....take all that advice bud

Gross Halfwit

I agree with the work out together thing but make it more about you. Go on a health kick and drag her along. But make it about you not her.

chump

I personally would go for the "honesty is best" policy

She's overweight, it's something she can change...

It's not like you'll be pointing out she has an ugly nose or asymmetric jugs

Just let her know you don't find her as attractive as you once did as she's turned into a bit of a fatty!

:eek:

jcoote

its a very thin line but tbh i'd be honest and just tell her...it may hit her confidence but i'm sure she would want to lose weight

LundiMardi

chump wrote:

I personally would go for the "honesty is best" policy

She's overweight, it's something she can change...

It's not like you'll be pointing out she has an ugly nose or asymmetric jugs

Just let her know you don't find her as attractive as you once did as she's turned into a bit of a fatty!

:eek:

hence the reason you're probably not getting any.

LegacyUser

Besides the fact it's becoming a problem for you, it will become a bigger problem for her in the future. Encouragement might be beneficial to her in the long term. If she takes a visit to her doctor, he can calculate her BMI and determine if she is at risk of developing obesity.

People underestimate the seriousness of obesity. Common consequences resulting from obesity include hypertension, high cholesterol levels, liver disease and type 2 diabetes. As the obese person becomes older, they are more likely to developer heart disease, congestive heart failure, bladder problems, and with women, problems with her reproductive system. It can also lead to stroke, greater risk for certain cancers such as breast and colon cancer, and depression is also associated with obesity.

If she decides to start dieting, tell her it's important to see a doctor, or a dietitian who can help her come up with a safe plan of eating well and exercising regularly. A lot of people don't know how to diet correctly.

kittenkiller

LIE TO HER!

Tell her that you feel YOU'VE let yourself go over the year & was hoping she could help you with a get fit routine.

Ask her to make sure you go to the gym & eat healthier food & stuff while you're together.

Then after a week or so tell her she's lookin really great & make an effort to show her how hot you think she is.

Perhaps ask something like 'Where's that top you used to wear that you looked super hot in?', referrig to a top/skirt etc that she's probably stopped wearing cuz she's grown out of it.

Ask her if she's appreciating to new fitter you & it should hopefully get her thinking a bit.

Of course i've never been in a situation like this cuz i'm just so damn hot & fit n stuff! *cough*

The Corinthian

I suspect that every response that’s been given here is both right and wrong. Ultimately it comes down your girlfriend and the relationship you have with her. In some cases being brutally honest may be best, in others being diplomatic or downright manipulative may yield the desired result and in other cases again you’re screwed no matter what you do.

Nickibaby*

Don't take her out anywhere to eat, start taking her out for walks instead. Buy 2 gym memberships for the both of yous - say that it's something yous can do together because you want to get fit because you think that she will go off you if you don't cop yourself on.

If she doesn't start exercising and stop eating then put it to her gently that you think that she should lose some weight.

How much weight has she put on? If it's alot then you have a point, you can't help if you are not attracted to her and it's not right on her to not keep herself nice for you.

But if it's only something like a stone or something and she isn't very overweight where it would effect her health or something, then i think you are out of order for complaining

chump

LundiMardi wrote:

hence the reason you're probably not getting any.

Could be pal!

Galway22

I may be a bit young for you to take advice off, but what she needs is encouragement, as if you tell her she is fat and not beat around around the bush, you could really damage her emotionaly, which in due course could send her on a dieting frenzy, and could make her very ill. But if i really loved a girl, i wouldnt care what size they were as it wouldnt matter , as its on the inside that counts!

- Stuart

RoadSweeper

buy her clothes that wont fit her......

"jeez, i always thought you'd fit in an 8. You used to didnt you, or am i mistaken?"

Nevyn

Road sweeper that will be hurtfull and most like get you dumped sooo swifty,
esp as the average irish sizes vary between a 10 and 16 never mind an 8.

The Corinthian

Nickibaby* wrote:

Don't take her out anywhere to eat, start taking her out for walks instead. Buy 2 gym memberships for the both of yous - say that it's something yous can do together because you want to get fit because you think that she will go off you if you don't cop yourself on.

Given that many women will infer the worst from nothing more than a hesitant inflection in your voice when you answer her query to “does my bum look big in this?”, starting a subtle fitness campaign like this is really going to go down a treat :rolleyes:

But if it's only something like a stone or something and she isn't very overweight where it would effect her health or something, then i think you are out of order for complaining

I don’t think many men would care about a few kilos either way, TBH.

Galway22 wrote:

But if i really loved a girl, i wouldnt care what size they were as it wouldnt matter , as its on the inside that counts!

Beauty is only skin deep is just something that ugly people say...

Seriously, however, the reality is that what is on the outside is also a factor in a romantic or intimate relationship - it is the physical that differentiates if from the other relationships we have with friends and family. If that person prematurely changes physically to a level that you no longer find them sexually attractive then this can have a drastic effect on any such relationship.

JohnnyMobile

Id be honest with her about it and let her know its a problem for you. Tell her you liked her better as she was and that you are prepared to help her get back to that state. If she isnt mentally unbalanced she will see that your not being a bad person but rather are just being honest, women love honesty.

Plus if she doesnt want to change she wont do anything after you have told her how you feel.... if thats the case you need to think about being lumbered with someone your not attracted to, at least you will know either way.

nesf

The Corinthian wrote:

Given that many women will infer the worst from nothing more than a hesitant inflection in your voice when you answer her query to “does my bum look big in this?”, starting a subtle fitness campaign like this is really going to go down a treat :rolleyes:

That's subtle with a capital B there I believe.

nesf

Dr One wrote:

Besides the fact it's becoming a problem for you, it will become a bigger problem for her in the future. Encouragement might be beneficial to her in the long term. If she takes a visit to her doctor, he can calculate her BMI and determine if she is at risk of developing obesity.

People underestimate the seriousness of obesity. Common consequences resulting from obesity include hypertension, high cholesterol levels, liver disease and type 2 diabetes. As the obese person becomes older, they are more likely to developer heart disease, congestive heart failure, bladder problems, and with women, problems with her reproductive system. It can also lead to stroke, greater risk for certain cancers such as breast and colon cancer, and depression is also associated with obesity.

If she decides to start dieting, tell her it's important to see a doctor, or a dietitian who can help her come up with a safe plan of eating well and exercising regularly. A lot of people don't know how to diet correctly.

Have a read of this and then maybe you might be able to rephrase your point better. Scientific American Article The term obese really means very little. Those in the lighter obese catagory might just be naturally big people who are actually quite healthy. Yes someone who's 5'2" and 24 stone will be in terrible health, but the fad of "obese" and it's health issues is just that. A fad.

Being obese on the BMI doesn't mean you're unhealthy, it's a terribly inaccurate measure to be using. There are far more important indicators. I'm not saying it's useless, but it is horribly misused by people.

Sorry for going off topic but his post annoyed me. Someone putting on a bit of weight does not merit someone preaching about the dangers of obesity. Especially considering most of said preaching is hype.

Kingp35

I would just be honest with her mate.

None of this messing around with saying you want to get fit because if the girl is putting on weight she will know she is and she will cop on to your little game and this will just turn out worse for you.

Just be honest with her its the only way.

In_the_sea

I have to say this is a very difficult one..What to do is im tellin u
Yeah, u love her n stuff but she's not like spicin both ur lives up with the weight...
i have to say its all harsh reality when it boils down to appearance. every1 judges on appearance its just a fact of life...its a naturan instinct so how to give good advice that goes against natural human attraction is very difficult because there is no right and wrong..
saying it to her will damage her....so i would say dont say anything for the mean time..
The only way of getting out of this is a devious way which i think for your own self repect should be avoided!
Listen you shouldnt be judged by any1 for feeling the way you do because everyone is like u only some dont have the guts to come down off their high horse and admit it..hope thats some consolation...
I think u should work on finding her attractive the way she is...call it a fetish whatever but u gotta apply some mental effort..If this relationship is worth working on for you, then work on it. If you are not happy in it the only thing u can do if choose to end it and let her find someone who can really appreciate her and u find som1 u can appreciate..otherwise both of u are in continous equlibrium...just like eatin crappy food every day..

Bottom line..you cant go against your natural human attraction but at least your seeking advice that's a sign ur more in tune with the emotional side of relationships! You deserve credit for that mate!

In_the_sea

One thing i cant understand though arrogance! I dont understand some people who choose attractive friends partners etc and talk down to unattracitve people like their kids...I think that's unfair in society..Attractive people have a higher chance of getting past interview studies have shown..Well now id call that unfair...As for weight, well i find people who are conscious of weight themselves are the ones that laugh or jeer heavy people the most..I myself am very slender and I never notice a heavy person.. I know som1 with a severe weight problem..they were like a model before they piled on a few stone and i still see them in that light..people who are/were or are worried about being fat are always the first to comment.."pot calling the kettle black" but the pot is painted green..hope u get what im sayin..im full a sh@t but still i think i get peoples body language on that and its upsetting to see so many people getting a hard time because of being them!!
As for physically attractive people...I wouldnt touch the ones with the ugly personality...

pickarooney

Kingp35 wrote:

I would just be honest with her mate.

None of this messing around with saying you want to get fit because if the girl is putting on weight she will know she is and she will cop on to your little game and this will just turn out worse for you.

Just be honest with her its the only way.

Exactly. The OP, unless he's a complete hypocrite, is not overweight and pretending he thinks he is is not going to have the desired effect.
Someone who's got into a sedentary way of life is not likely to jump at the suggestion of joining a gym - however 'subtly' you suggest it.
Unless you have a female friend with a couple of extra pounds who could suggest that the two of them take up some sort of activity...

Fact is she knows she's gained weight and knows you find her less attractive, whether you say it or not and it's up to her to decide if she wants to do something about it.

Nevyn

It could be a whole heap of issues, contentment, tiredness, lazying over the summer, or more serious personal issues.

But then again I know some one who gained a stone and ate like a pig
for the sole purpose of splitting up the with the boyfriend and then
lost the weight in six weeks and looked great for a do she knew he was going
to be at and turned up with her new man in tow.

seamus

OK. First off, I have to agree with Corinth here, in that ultimately every bit of advice given here could be right or wrong, every relationship is different.

I know if my girlfriend really started putting on weight, me telling her straight out that I'm less attracted to her would be the last thing she'd want. She would be looking in the mirror constantly, and moaning about how she needed to lose weight. She does that now for God's sake and she's a size 10. So she wouldn't need me to tell her that she's getting fat. It would probably just compound the issue*.

Now, we were reversed, and she used the subtlety trick on me. She said that she wanted to lose weight (well, she actually did, even though she didn't need to), and wanted me to join her, for support like. And that kickstarted me. I always wanted to lose weight, but just lost momentum each time I started. So with someone else to start it with, it's much easier. Then 8 weeks later she went to college in London, and I kept it up on my own. It was purely a matter of getting started.

So that's what worked for me, but as I've said, each relationship is different. I would strongly advise going down the "let's do this together" route, but start off easy. Suggest joining weightwatchers because you "want to lose some of my excess before the holidays" or "I want to be X stone by Christmas", and tell her you don't want to go on your own. Don't go buying gym memberships straight away. If she's quite badly overweight, that's doomed to failure.

*There are many people who would say that the only way to way to encourage someone to lose weight is to say it straight out and/or make fun of them. More often than not, this is counter-productive, as it starts/reinforces a comfort-eating cycle, where the person eats to make themselves feel better, but it ultimately makes them feel bad, so they eat again to feel better, and down and down and down. Taunting/honesty may work for some people, and for others it may work when they eventually hit rock-bottom, but until that point it's a mentally torturing time for the person.

shellby

playing the "i want to loose weight myself" game is a big no no she knows she has gained weight and will know that your lying to her
if you wanna make some form of a compromise when it comes to telling her then tell her you have both gained weight and feel that you should loose it together
if its quite clear that you haven't gained any then just tell be nice be supportive but be straight with her without mentoining that you find her less attractive, something like

"babe, you know i love you and you know that i think you are gorgeous but recently you have put on a bit of weight and i can see that it's effecting you physically, you seem to have less energy and less confidence. i'm only saying this because i love you and i'm worried and i don'y want to see you getting sick. i'm not getting on at you about your weight because i think your beautiful i'm only saying this because i'm genuinely worried about you.
it's entirely your decision but if you feel that you want to loose weight then i'll support you in whatever way possible like gooing to the gym with you or eating healthly myself or just going for a walk in the evening"

there you have it if she flies off the handle then she is being unreasonable, because you have said that you sill find her attractive but your worried for her health if she does get upset just keep telling her that

and remember your the one bringing it up if she does decide to loose a few pounds then you have to support her every step of the way

Cretzing

leave a few cans of slimfast lying about the place.

can i ask though, what weight are you?

jister

Get somebody to tell her that she looks like a twin to a very large person and bang, she'll charge off to weight watchers and lose a ton. It happened with my wife, somebody passed a comment in the pub one night to her that herself and her (huge) first cousin looked like twins.

Shes gone from 14 stone down to 11 stone in the last 4 months!

seamus

In_the_sea wrote:

As for weight, well i find people who are conscious of weight themselves are the ones that laugh or jeer heavy people the most..I myself am very slender and I never notice a heavy person.. I know som1 with a severe weight problem..they were like a model before they piled on a few stone and i still see them in that light..people who are/were or are worried about being fat are always the first to comment.."pot calling the kettle black"

I would tend to agree. Although those who have been heavy and lost weight can be the worst - a bit like ex-smokers. Those who are already overweight can be obsessive about it. It sounds weird - surely someone who's obsessive about their weight, wouldn't be overweight, but it's something that's always on their mind. So when they see someone else, instantly they compare themselves to that person - "Am I as fat as them? Do I look that bad when people see me? Nah, there's no way my ass jiggles like that!". It's the same as that best mate everyone has who's obsessed with sex - every single member of the opposite sex has a comment made about them in a sexual way.

el tel

kittenkiller wrote:

LIE TO HER!

Tell her that you feel YOU'VE let yourself go over the year & was hoping she could help you with a get fit routine.

Ask her to make sure you go to the gym & eat healthier food & stuff while you're together.

Then after a week or so tell her she's lookin really great & make an effort to show her how hot you think she is.

Perhaps ask something like 'Where's that top you used to wear that you looked super hot in?', referrig to a top/skirt etc that she's probably stopped wearing cuz she's grown out of it.

Ask her if she's appreciating to new fitter you & it should hopefully get her thinking a bit.

Of course i've never been in a situation like this cuz i'm just so damn hot & fit n stuff! *cough*

Very fiendish Kittenkiller!

I tried this approach once myself and it actually worked!
I hit the gym big time, became devastatingly fit (and fine looking may I add)and she in response went from 10 stone down to a smidgen under 8. Everyone was a winner.

In_the_sea

seamus wrote:

I would tend to agree. Although those who have been heavy and lost weight can be the worst - a bit like ex-smokers. Those who are already overweight can be obsessive about it.

Yes Seamus, your are dead right on that :cool:
The ones who have lost a lot or who were really slim and pilled on the weight are the ones who seem to be most judgemental probably because they have went through some emotional trauma associated with being obese and that trauma and paranoia still remains in their head. Just like a smoker, when they quit they have had a reinforced habit remain in their mind that they are conscious of when they see some1 smoking and they really want a cigarette because of this..If they never smoked it would not bother them at all(its just seen by non-smokers as a bad, filthy habit). That doesnt apply to overweight people as it's a personal problem they struggle with.. Smoking is self inflicted, being obese is too..but eating is a must that has the potential to be "devoured" in..Smoking is not a necessity..
As for mems of the opposite sex making a sexual comment about the opposite sex...yes that is true I think people should avoid making unnecessary negative comments though because at the end of the day there is no need. Obviously the persons personality nice or bad along with self esteem issues has an impact on whether these comments are mostly negative or positive..
To be more specific, someone who feels bad about themselves is more likely to refrain from giving someone a positive compliment..partly because its psychology that when we are comfortable with who we are we subconsciously look for good things in other people(sometimes its on our mind consciously though)

So, if someone makes angry attacks about your appearance, just look at it like, they have some issue that's making them angry and they're using me as a target..So f**k them! Their problem not mine. Il find som1 better who can appreciate me for who I am not what others want me to be instead..The world needs balance, unattractive and attractive..there cant be all types..its all for a reason beyond our understanding and only ignorance manifests itself in horrible upsetting comments from what i regard as ignorant people..Discrimination, bias, all words to describe how people feel and treat those who they judge..This is in the same catagory but its part of human natural perception..It cant be changed...But to every person regarded as unattractive by one is found to be very pleasing by another..goes back to balance..where there#s depression theres masked joy..you just gotta go out there and look for the right people..choose your friends and partners wisely because if u have only been with a few people in relationships, unless ur lucky, chances are you havent been with enuf to know how well u cud be treated..
We do live in a small world with a broad range of minds, if u look at the right people. Good things come out of small packages..
Sorry for the spam, but hope that makes some optimistic sense!

nesf

I'm going to repeat myself here, but I don't feel this side of things is being represented enough on this thread.

If she's happy with the weight she is, then you don't have a right to bug her about it. You might have an obsession with weight, she might not share that. This of course would only apply if she's aware that she's gained weight and not still thinking she's as thin as ever.

If she's thinking that way, then yeah she needs to wise up. If you can't accept her putting on some weight, then the problem isn't with her, it's both of yours. It's not fair, reasonable or justifiable, imo, to try and force or coerce her into losing weight just to satisfy a problem you have. If you can't accept that she might want to keep a few pounds on then that's not her problem, it's yours.

This however isn't always the case. Most people who are overweight wouldn't mind losing a few pounds, so doing it together and approaching it as a couple might be the best option. Just, whatever you do, don't approach it as a flaw in her. It's not. Being a bit overweight is not a flaw, it's perfectly normal for people to be like this (not that the media would have you believe this).


But, so long as she's not seriously overweight and by being so threatening her health, then I don't think you have a right to bug her about losing weight. If she's way overweight, then yes, you should try and help her lose some. But if she just has a little belly or a bit too much on the hips, then it's really upto her if she's happy with it or not.

Just because the media says we should all be thin and well toned doesn't mean that you should believe it. There are far more important things in life than looks.

You love someone for their flaws and all that jazz.

ionapaul

Surely it is also up to him whether he's happy with it, as well? If he isn't and she isn't going to change, then he has a decision to make. If her weight upsets him / leaves him less attracted to her, he shouldn't just 'put up' with it, should he?

nesf

ionapaul wrote:

Surely it is also up to him whether he's happy with it, as well? If he isn't and she isn't going to change, then he has a decision to make. If her weight upsets him / leaves him less attracted to her, he shouldn't just 'put up' with it, should he?

I agree.

I never said he should put up with it. I just said that he doesn't have a right to force her to change if she's happy the way she is. He doesn't have to stay with her if it's a serious problem for him.

Although, tbh, if you would leave a solid steady long-term relationship over the issue of your partner gaining a few pounds then you have your own issues that you need to deal with imho.

The Corinthian

nesf wrote:

If she's happy with the weight she is, then you don't have a right to bug her about it. You might have an obsession with weight, she might not share that. This of course would only apply if she's aware that she's gained weight and not still thinking she's as thin as ever.

I’m sorry but that really is naive horseshit. Ultimately he has every right to be concerned if there is something physical or otherwise that is affecting their relationship. Suggesting that his unhappiness with her weight is his problem would be akin to a similar suggestion that a woman’s unhappiness with her man’s personal hygiene is her problem - in other words; utter, utter, rubbish.

Ultimately intimate relationships are also physical and if there is a problem there, as with any other area of the relationship, then there’s nothing wrong with attempting to remedy it, to find a compromise, especially if the alternative is that it’ll drive you apart.

Although, tbh, if you would leave a solid steady long-term relationship over the issue of your partner gaining a few pounds then you have your own issues that you need to deal with imho.

How many pounds before you consider it a valid issue then? And how many pounds are being discussed by the thread starter?

Victor

jister wrote:

Shes gone from 14 stone down to 11 stone in the last 4 months!

Which sounds unhelathy without medical support.

nesf

The Corinthian wrote:

I’m sorry but that really is naive horseshit. Ultimately he has every right to be concerned if there is something physical or otherwise that is affecting their relationship. Suggesting that his unhappiness with her weight is his problem would be akin to a similar suggestion that a woman’s unhappiness with her man’s personal hygiene is her problem - in other words; utter, utter, rubbish.

Yes and no.

He does have every right to be concerned and he does have a right to have personal taste on these matters. What I was saying is that he doesn't have a right to constantly annoy her over such (ie bug her about it). Such is counter-productive and will solve nothing. I never said he couldn't discuss the matter with her, I'm saying that she has a right to say she is happy with the way she looks and that he has to accept this. He doesn't have to stay in the relationship if he finds it unbearable.

People change, no one is the same person a year into a relationship. Whether the relationship can survive such changes is a whole other story.

It is his problem, not hers. He has a problem with her gaining weight. She should, in theory, rationally listen and they should solve the problem together. But people rarely work that way unfortunately.

I'm not saying that he shouldn't discuss it with her. I'm saying that he has to consider the possibility that she mightn't want to change. How big a problem this would be would be totally down to the individual in question.

Ultimately intimate relationships are also physical and if there is a problem there, as with any other area of the relationship, then there’s nothing wrong with attempting to remedy it, to find a compromise, especially if the alternative is that it’ll drive you apart.

Agreed. Compromise is essential to any healthy relationship. That doesn't mean that it happens on every issue. Unfortunately people don't always act this way.

A forced compromise is worth little compared to a mutual one. In my experience anyway.

How many pounds before you consider it a valid issue then? And how many pounds are being discussed by the thread starter?

That's upto the two people in question isn't it There isn't an arbitrary figure for these kind of things. The amount of pounds gained would mean little without knowing the person's normal weight, height, build etc.

I could gain 3 pounds and no one would notice. For a thiner/lighter person it could be very noticeable.


My head's not been very clear today, so apologies if I'm not coming across well or if my choice of language isn't great. I'm trying to represent the other side of the argument here. Just because you are in a relationship with someone does not mean you have to look how they want you to look. It's better all round if you can compromise on it but that's assuming two rational people with reasonable expectations.

This obviously is not always the case.

lucid

Kingp35 wrote:

None of this messing around with saying you want to get fit because if the girl is putting on weight she will know she is and she will cop on to your little game and this will just turn out worse for you.

I disagree that this would be worse. Obviously it depends on the person, but for me, my partner being obviously dishonest would be nowhere near as damaging as them making me feel humiliated and inadequate, by coming right out and telling me that they didn't find me attractive anymore. In my opnion, when we let people in, we are agreeing to trust them to avoid hurting us, as much as they can. Appearance is such a sensitive issue that it seems unwise to be brutally honest, particularly when it comes to your partner.

However, as has been said; this varies from person to person. OP- how does your girlfriend normally expect you to behave towards her? Does she expect you to speak your mind, and be upfront? Does she respond badly to criticism?