Overly Protective Mother

LegacyUser

Im definately going unregistered for this. Okay the problem I have is with my mother, she is way overprotective of me and my sister. I guess I dont get it too bad but my sister who is 19 gets it quite bad, and she's been going out with her bf for over a year now, and my mother treats her like a 12yr old.

Last night my sister text me saying how my mother wouldn't let her see her bf. Saying that "if she sees him too much they'll grow sick of each other", so crap! And this isn't the first time she's done something like this.

My father was very seriously ill for most of last year (he's grand now) and I think its affected her a lot, that she's trying to stop anything else bad from happening to any of the rest of us, and sometimes in doing this she comes across as a complete two-faced psycho, acting perfectly normal at times and other times coming across as anything but normal behavour.

While Im only home at the weekends I dont get it too bad, but since starting going out with my current gf (about 2 months) she started to act stupidly over-protective of me, though not as much because I tend to not let her away with much, unlike my sister.

Surely there must be something that can be done, she's definately not a psycho or anything bad like that, but I think she should talk to someone, because this is definately not normal behavour.

Beruthiel

perhaps she is just very stressed out with all that has happened over the last year with your dad. Have you tried sitting down with her and having a calm conversation.

this is just a thought, but if this is a new thing for her, do you think she might be going through the start of the menopause? that, I believe can be quite difficult till it's sorted out and can result in abnormal behaviour at times - just guessing of course.

I would probably approach it by sitting her down, asking if she is ok as she seems very stressed out lately, see what she says.

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

Have you tried sitting down with her and having a calm conversation.

When my sister text me last night, that was the advice I gave her, to stay calm and not shout or lose it with her, because I dont think thats going to get her anywhere.

Actually that whole idea of Menopause is a good suggestion, she turned 50 this year, so it could be a possibility alright.

DawnMc

I think it sounds like your mam has a fear of being abandoned. Your father was seriously ill. She's prob afraid that you and your sis will fall in love with people and move out and away from her and she'll be alone.
Seems many mothers have this fear.

Nickibaby*

My mother is the same she doesn't mind what my brother does. But me, i'm 20 and she is really bad. Last year when I was going away for the weekend with my childhood friend (who she doesn't like she thinks she is a slut) she said that i would get a name for myself and started going mental saying I couldn't go away with her and said phone your dad and see what he says. I was 19!

I phoned him like an idiot anyway and he said it was fine her said to ignore her. But whenever i'm heading out at the weekends she throws a fit at what i'm wearing and ruins the beginning of my night. She always accuses me of waking her up when i come in and i'm really quiet take off my shoes ect before i go into my house. One morning she accused me of keeping her awake all night and i had stayed in a friends house!

She always does the 'your seeing too much of each other, yous are going to get sick of each other' stuff with whoever i'm going out with. I was with a guy for 4 years and she hated it everytime i was seeing him. There is always something wrong with whoever i'm going out with they are too old, immature, too ugly, too goodlooking, too full of themselves ect. ect.

You just have to ignore her she has to learn to cut the apron strings.

Beruthiel

sick_of_this wrote:

When my sister text me last night, that was the advice I gave her, to stay calm and not shout or lose it with her, because I dont think thats going to get her anywhere.

it won't
and until your sis starts talking like an adult your mother won't see her as one

Actually that whole idea of Menopause is a good suggestion, she turned 50 this year, so it could be a possibility alright.

well, 50 is still young for the menopause, but it could be a possibility, however, I'm afraid that it's probably something she would prefer to deal with herself, ie - I wouldn't ask

b3t4

DawnMc wrote:

Seems many mothers have this fear.

Empty Next Syndrome http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/womenshealth/features/ens.htm

A.

Nidge

Beruthiel wrote:

well, 50 is still young for the menopause, but it could be a possibility, however, I'm afraid that it's probably something she would prefer to deal with herself, ie - I wouldn't ask

I don't think 50 is young for the menopause, not as far as i know i would of thought that was slap bang when it's suppose to happen.

koneko

According to "the internet":

The average onset of menopause is 50.5 years

Beruthiel

show's how much I know
there are so many joys to growing old, aren't there?

Nickibaby*

50 isn't too young for the menopause.

It can go on for years, so the best of luck with it.

Your sister has to firmly tell her to butt of without getting hysterical or having a row as it wouldn't do either of them any good.

jimmycrackcorm

Op- Some time when things have calmed a bit, your sister should ask your mother exactly what age will she be adult enough to make her own decisions - will 20 be ok? 21? 22? and if so why that age instead of qualifying as the rest of us do at 18. At what age will she be let decide what she wants to wear when she goes out.

the point is to map out the irrationality of this treatment.

LegacyUser

Ok first of all thanks for all the replies, they've really got me thinking.

@b3t4: I dont think she suffers from this in all fairness, my sister lives at home, and there's also my younger sister living there as well.

About the menopause thing, its starting to become a possibility at least, and its definately not something that I could or would bring up. Perhaps if we could convince her to go to the doctor for a checkup or something then it would help. Its not exactly something you could throw up into conversation.

I completely agree with the fact that my sister needs to have a proper calm adult discussion with her, to get my mother to see it from my sisters point of view.

Another thing that perhaps I should say is that she is very upset about the thought of either my sister getting pregnant or me making my gf pregnant.

Beruthiel

sick_of_this wrote:

Another thing that perhaps I should say is that she is very upset about the thought of either my sister getting pregnant or me making my gf pregnant.

well, in fairness, what parent doesn't have that fear?
however, at some stage you have to know that you've educated them to the stage whereby they know exactly what they are doing and you can trust them to be smart about it