Violent bf

Help?

Ok I'm a regular boardsie member, I'm just using this nick for this as I don't want any of the people involved to know its me...

I've been with my bf for about 9 months... I'm 18 he's 22. Everything was great up until about 4 months ago. We were having a fairly small argument over something silly when he snapped and hit me. Immediately after it he was really apologetic and he hadn't hit me that hard so I said just forget it.
A few weeks later we had another fight cause he thought I'd been flirting with another guy, which i hadn't, and he hit me again but harder. He managed to persuade me it was cause he didn't want to lose me and again I said it was fine. he's hit me about 3 more times since that, and a few weeks ago I told him I'd had enough and wanted to finish it. He really lost it and lashed out, I ended up in casualty with a broken wrist and a threat that he'd do more if I left him... basically I dunno what to do. We're together now cause I'm scared of him. The logical side of me is saying finish it, tell the gardai if I need to but a) I'm still scared I'll end up in hospital again before they did anything b) there's a lot of stuff going on at home at the minute and I don't think my parents would have time to support me if I had to lodge a complaint or whatever.

Friends and family think I'm just clumsy hence the bruises and wrist. He's also very physically intimidating, he's over a foot taller than me. I just dunno what I should do

Kevin_rc_ie

Get rid of him.
Consider reporting the abuse to the gardaí.

Kevin_rc_ie

i just reread your post. you know what to do already.

T-b0n3

I fully agree with that.

Adam

Help?

I just don't know how to finish with him without getting hurt worse than last time. He's been angry before but when i said i wanted to end it he was livid. I didn't know what he was gonna do.

o Fiac

This post has been deleted.

Mr.Nice Guy

Help? wrote:

I just don't know how to finish with him without getting hurt worse than last time. He's been angry before but when i said i wanted to end it he was livid. I didn't know what he was gonna do.

A man who puts his hands on a woman is a COWARD. You need to be rid of this guy. Don't carry this burden on yourself alone. Talk to someone in your family or a friend who you trust and explain the situation.

I think you should go to the police too.

Surely your family would support you alot more than you think? Are you sure you're not just making excuses so as to avoid getting this over with? Seriously, leave this guy. Who knows what damage he could do to you. Get out of that situation now.

Good luck.

drdre

i agree with that also, just report him he is fcuker.he should have never hit you and you shouldnot take that from him

JackKelly

go straight to the police. Forget trying to break it off or talk to him. Just go to the police and have them arrive at the door before he knows anything about it.

Shrimp

Think about it, Do you think there is one person here on boards tonight that will say. Stay with him.. Really think about it... NO ONE WILL

Leave him as soon as possible. Even ask if you can stay with a friend. File a complaint, Stay with a friend. Tell as many people as possible, that way people are aware of this, and they will keep an eye on him. He's a coward, he wont do anything as long as you've got ppl on your side. Dont feel scared of him, dont let anyone scare you.

Act Quick. Make the Right choice, you know it already, just do it.

Bard

Listen to the "logical side" of you, for it is smarter than the emotional one - especially in this particular instance.

dub45

Can you tell us what your domestic arrangements are? Are you living together ? (It reads as if you are but I am not absolutely sure - If you are can you go home away from him?)

You certainly need to talk to somebody supportive immediately preferably somebody with a cool head. Surely even in the very short term you could talk to one of your friends? I would be amazed if they are not already clued in to what is going on and just waiting for the opportunity to help. Write down so that you are very clear about it all the times he has abused you. If you dont want to talk to someone at home then maybe someone here might be able to help there is a free phone there 12 hours a day. No matter what steps you take remember by and large people dont change so dont let him talk you around to sticking with him.

mayordenis

Fact : its going to keep getting worse

sorry but its true the only way is too end it he is a terrible person to do such a thing go straight to the gardai.
Best bet is probably to have him charged with assault aswell.

bang_bang_rosie

You are 18 years old you have all your life ahead of you. The longer you stay with him the harder it will be to leave. Imagine he gets you pregnant, you will never really get rid of him, don't get stuck in a rut or the rest of your life will be as a battered woman.
You don't have to put up with this, no-one does, but you'll need to take a brave step to get out but you can do it.
Most people like this as said before are cowards and as soon as they're confronted they back off.

Help?

No we're not living together, we're neighbours though. I've tried avoiding him in the past but if he calls round to the house someone else just lets him in, he's been a friend of my brothers for longer than we've been together.

My parents are away for the whole summer, theres only my brother and I at home. i'm partly worried how he'll react, don't want him to get hurt either.

If I report him, its just my word against his right?

RotalicaV

Just don't answer back..

masteroftherealm

Get out and get yourself safe while you can i agree with what everyone is going to say tonigh, go to the gardai and get a restraining order and ask their reccomendations on security for yourself.
Please take our advise.

Gone West

This guy is obviously an emotional coward who cant solve his issues without resorting to violence. It seems that there is only one language that he understands.
Have you got a brother(s)? Or strong male friend(s) who wouldnt mind getting his hands dirty?
In my experience, when these type of guys get the sh1t kicked out of them, and a stiff warning not to ever 'lay a hand on and/orgo near X person again' they will get the message.
You would also be doing a service to everybody else, as otherwise some other unfortunate woman will end up with him and he will get violent again.

Victor

Help? wrote:

If I report him, its just my word against his right?

You have a broken arm. Thats enough to get a restraining order and for the Garda to be very interested in nothing more happening.

FuzzyLogic wrote:

In my experience, when these type of guys get the sh1t kicked out of them

Suggesting further violence is not appropriate or acceptable.

total scum!the scary thing is 1 in4 fellas hit women in ireland!now that is a statistic to be ashamed of!

LundiMardi

i know you should go to the garda, but lets be honest, they won't do **** all unless he already has some kind of record, if it's his first offence he'll only get a slap on the rist.. I'd let any brothers/uncles i have and let them give him a slap on the rist.

LegacyUser

Does your brother know what he is like? Would he be angry if he knew? Would he be in the position to alienate him totally from a circle of friends were his behaviour to become known?
I'd arrange for the cops to pay him a visit and also possibly if he threatens to do anything else, get your brother to "out" him to mates for what he is and for breaking your arm.
I think the peer group could be a great help to you now.

Dave

Help? wrote:

My parents are away for the whole summer, theres only my brother and I at home. i'm partly worried how he'll react, don't want him to get hurt either.

His feelings are the last you should be considering. Stand up for yourself. Have you told your brother? Were questions not asked when you ended up in hospital? The sooner you get rid of him the better to be honest, it's only going to get worse before it gets better.

TerrorFirmer

That IS a statistic to be ashamed of.

On the Issue, tell him that its over on the phone. If hes a big enough man to hit you, you can be a big enough woman to end it over the phone. Tell him if he comes near you again you'll report him to the gardai, or if you feel the need to confront him in person, bring one or two male friends.

/By the way, tell your brother. He deserves to know the type of scumbag his "friend" is.

Either way, I sympathise, and wish you good luck.

Beruthiel

I understand the fear you have of him, but as you have no alternative (ie, there is no way you can stay with him for the rest of your life), this must be sorted. Firstly, as someone else has already said, he is the lowest form of coward. He can intimidate you because you are a small girl who is afraid of him. Sit your brother/good friend down, tell them everything, ask them to go to the garda with you and lodge a complaint. Ask for a baring order. This way you have him on file and if he comes near you again you have a case. You have to do this I’m afraid, especially as he is a neighbour. I would not go near him again, he deserves no explanation from you.
please don't waste another minute, do this asap.
best of luck

Red Alert

You're too good a person to be worth wasting on him. He hit you once and again and again. You ended up in hospital - i'm not being mean or anything, but i've seen and heard of women ending up in much worse shape in hospital as a result of violence from a partner - you have to stop this now while you still can.

As B said, get a barring order. A few garda stations have a specific (usually female) garda who's responsible for looking after domestic violence cases so she might be able to help you out. You can also get something called a Protection Order which might be more useful in your case.

Your brother also needs to sort this guy out. There's no reason he should remain in the circle of friends if he's done that.

Best of luck and come back to us here if you need any more advice.
R>A>

Jumpy

Help? wrote:

No we're not living together, we're neighbours though. I've tried avoiding him in the past but if he calls round to the house someone else just lets him in, he's been a friend of my brothers for longer than we've been together.

My parents are away for the whole summer, theres only my brother and I at home. i'm partly worried how he'll react, don't want him to get hurt either.

If I report him, its just my word against his right?

He is a friend of your brothers?

Mention it to him. I would crush anyone who did that to my sister.

Beruthiel

I will ban anyone who starts suggesting violence as a way of sorting this out, it will not help the situation and this girl needs suggestions that will help her
B

Spalk0

Help? wrote:

No we're not living together, we're neighbours though. I've tried avoiding him in the past but if he calls round to the house someone else just lets him in, he's been a friend of my brothers for longer than we've been together.

My parents are away for the whole summer, theres only my brother and I at home. i'm partly worried how he'll react, don't want him to get hurt either.

If I report him, its just my word against his right?

Do you have other male friends?Im not talking about attacking him back but the power of suggestion is just as good.If the idea gets into his head that he could be hurt worse back if he did touch you, and i mean just the idea, dont ever get anyone to attack him by the way, that should be enough to scare a coward like that.

Now this is all after you report him to the gaurds because that is exactly what you should do, but youve said in the meantime your scared he could hurt you it could help having someone intimidating on your side.

You shouldnt have to be scared anymore, surely there is someone you can confide in to watch over ya!

Best of luck

WhiteWashMan

RotalicaV wrote:

Just don't answer back..

i dont tolerate violence, and i dont tolerate mysoganistic jokes.

banned.

WhiteWashMan

tell your family. tell the guards.

Santa Claus

Surely if your brother knew what was happening he would "have a word" with this guy and show him that hitting you (or any other woman for that matter) is TOTALLY UNACCEPTABLE (I'm not condoning or suggesting violence, but I know myself that is someone was hitting my sister I'd want to physically explain to them that it was not OK).

I suggest you tell your brother ASAP.


[OFF TOPIC]
I'm normally try and avoid fights whenever I can, but the one thing that has drawn me into fights in the past is when I've seen a guy hitting a woman in public.
I know that you shouldn't interfere when people are having arguments as you don't know the history etc but I just thinking hitting women is such a cowardly act and I find it very hard to stand idly by and watch it !

Crucifix

Other people won't let him into your house if you tell them what happened. If perchance they do, refuse outright to be left alone with him.

Red Alert

Yes that's right, you don't have to relate the full story to your mum/dad etc. You can always just say that you no longer want to see this guy. It is your word against his with the garda, but you have medical records to back this up. I very much doubt it's the first time he's had these kind of tendancies.

Beruthiel

Santa Claus wrote:

(I'm not condoning or suggesting violence, but I know myself that is someone was hitting my sister I'd want to physically explain to them that it was not OK)

so in one sentence, santa is saying that he doesn't condone violence but it is exactly what he would do in such circumstances :rolleyes:

banned for a week santa
B

tinkerbell

If he hit you once, he'll do it again. This has already been proved in this particular relationship - he keeps hitting you, and it's getting more and more frequent.

My advice would be to call your parents first. No matter what other issues are going on in your family (as you said already), no parent would stand by and do nothing if their daughter was being beaten up. You're only 18, you are still a baby in their eyes. What do you think your folks would do if they knew the neighbour was giving their baby an excuse for regular hospital visits?

Secondly, tell your brother. As with the case of with your parents, brothers and sisters are very protective of each other, even if they are constantly bickering or get on like a house on fire - there is always over-protectiveness when it comes to your own flesh and blood.

Thirdly, if your parents and brother know what a scumbag your boyfriend is, they ain't gonna let him into the house now, are they?

Last thing, when you've all that done, write down all the points about your boyfriend and his abusive behaviour. As for evidence, you have the medical records from your broken wrist, etc. Then go down to the cops. Reason is, you will probably get upset when you land in at the copshop, and you need to keep your head and remember everything. So if you do get upset, at least you have your list in front of you, and can reel off everything.

After that, you can get a restraining order against him. If you have stuff at his house that you need to get back, ask the local guard to accompany you around to his place so that you can get whatever you need back, safely.

Best of luck girl, you'll need it. Don't become another statistic in the domestic violence scene. You're only 18, you've your whole life ahead of you. Why get tied down now when there's a lovely guy out there for you who will treat you with the respect that you deserve?

Femelade

i went through something simular before, but i was living with him and we had a child. i was never hospitalised or anything, but he was both phsyically and mentally abusive towards me. i told him i needed a break for a few weeks, which he went mad at first, but then was ok about it, thinking i'd come back. but i didnt, and it was after that that the guards had to be called on several occasions.

i know that prob wasnt much help to you but just so u know i uinderstand with what ur going trough. u have to try and avoid this guy at all costs for at least a few weeks,

have u anyone that u can go and stay with for a while? relations or something?

i also think u should tell ur brother, if they are friends maybe he could have a word (nothing violent) with him and be supportive towards you, he is your brother after all and the only family member u have to turn to at the moment.

BizzyC

Help? wrote:

I just don't know how to finish with him without getting hurt worse than last time. He's been angry before but when i said i wanted to end it he was livid. I didn't know what he was gonna do.

Dont tell him it's over. Call the Gardai. He'll be in custody before he can touch you again.

The man is scum, deserves everything the legal system can throw at him.

BizzyC

Femmy wrote:

i also think u should tell ur brother, if they are friends maybe he could have a word (nothing violent) with him and be supportive towards you, he is your brother after all and the only family member u have to turn to at the moment.

Do Not tell your brother, until the gardai have dealt with him.

If anyone touched one of my sisters in a violent way, and I found out, I'd be waiting at his house for him with a baseball bat, regardless of how close a friend he was.

And your brother will probably end up in trouble then...

shellby

i agree with the above statement
i am not condoning violence infact i'm doing the complete opposite but if you go to the gaurds and your brother is found to have physically assaulted your bf then he will be in trouble and you'll find it alot harder to fight your case
do tell your brother after you report him the chances are that your bro will tell his mates which will lead to social exclusion i know it sounds terrible but it's no less than he deserves and the less people he has supporting him the less likely he is to do something like hang around your house just to annoy you


on another note this guy WILL NEVER CHANGE i'm speaking from experience here stop making excuses for him do you think that if you stay with him he will stop NO NO HE WON'T so you afraid that he will come after you if you leave him that can be prevented if you stay with him he will hit you again yur lifeis your own do not let him control it through fear the only way to make sure that he won't do it again is to fight back (I don't mean physically)

Femelade

BizzyC wrote:

Do Not tell your brother, until the gardai have dealt with him.

If anyone touched one of my sisters in a violent way, and I found out, I'd be waiting at his house for him with a baseball bat, regardless of how close a friend he was.

And your brother will probably end up in trouble then...

i disagree,
i've been trough simular, my brother is not thick as i'm sure the OP's brother is not. i'm sure he knows if he does something to him he would also get into trouble.
if the OP askes her brother to keep it civil i'm sure he would and try to make the whole thing better with the least amount of hassle for her, using a "Baseball bat" would be a stupid thing to do and would do more harm than good.

shellby

obviously she knows her bro the best but if they are neighbours then her bro is bound to see this other gut and tempers might flare
no as i've said she knows her brother best and if thinks that he could control his anger at what he has done then he would be one of the best ppl to tell but if there are any doubts then be careful about when you let him know

if you feel your brother can control his emotions tell him
sorry i might have personalised my advise a bit but with my brother wouldn't let me finish the word civil before he was out the door

Nevyn

http://www.cidb.ie/live.nsf/0/802567ca003e043d80256a5300540bdd?OpenDocument

As you are not living with him you will need to go to the civil courts.
First stop the Garda and then into town to get an interm safety order.

This can be done in one day, and when you have the intrim order
you go back to the garda station and they will inform him to keep the hell
away from you or he can be picked up and arrested.

Depending on the type of ahll door your parents have if it is a basic
hall door you can get a replacement barrel for the lock for about 25 euros,
and have it fitted, keep the door bolted while you are home.

This is not going to stop until you make it stop.
Do NOT be ashamed of this, You have done NOTHING wrong, He has.
Tell you brother ,Tell your family,Tell his family,Tell the whole road,
maybe then he will get the help he needs.
Keep yourself safe.

Blub2k4

Thaed wrote:

http://www.cidb.ie/live.nsf/0/802567ca003e043d80256a5300540bdd?OpenDocument

As you are not living with him you will need to go to the civil courts.
First stop the Garda and then into town to get an interm safety order.

This can be done in one day, and when you have the interm order
you go back to the garda station and they will inform him to keep the hell
away from you or he can be picked up and arrested.

Depending on the type of ahll door your parents have if it is a basic
hall door you can get a replacement barrel for the lock for about 25 euros,
and have it fitted, keep the door bolted while you are home.

This is not going to stop until you make it stop.
Do NOT be ashamed of this, You have done NOTHING wrong, He has.
Tell you brother ,Tell your family,Tell his family,Tell the whole road,
maybe then he will get the help he needs.
Keep yourself safe.

sorry to be pedantic but what with it being a legal document...it's an interim order.

Gilgamesh

I agree with just about anybody here.
Go to the Gardai, get the complaint in, you said you have been to the Docs/Hospital as you broke your wrist and stuff, didn't they ask you how it happened? I guess you dind't mention then and there that it was your bf who did that to you.
but just think of it this way, at first it was a slap, now it has escalated to breaking your wrist, WHAT NEXT??? I don't want to even think what will happen next, but IT WILL continue to escalate.

Also think of your future, this guy could also mentally mess you up completely to bring any trust into any new relationship you come into, and that is a fact.

if you don't have anyone to go with you gardai, hey, I will go with you, if you can't find anybody close to you, also you would have to live in Dublin.

that step is very important, and I woudl really recommend that you talk to your brother about this, too, you can be very surprised how protective family can really be in extreme situations.

Hope it goes well for and my offer is up if needed.

Take care of yourself

dragona

Well, let me tell you something - my first (ex) husband hit me once, hard. Tried and succeeded a second time to wallop me. I had an 18 month old baby at the time. No third chance - I left that week and divorced him. End of story. It never ends.
Go to the gards, sort it out and stay away. It really IS that simple.
Feel free to pm me xx

BizzyC

Femmy wrote:

i disagree,
i've been trough simular, my brother is not thick as i'm sure the OP's brother is not. i'm sure he knows if he does something to him he would also get into trouble.
if the OP askes her brother to keep it civil i'm sure he would and try to make the whole thing better with the least amount of hassle for her, using a "Baseball bat" would be a stupid thing to do and would do more harm than good.

I'm not thick either.
I'm am in no way a violent person, never really been in a fight, but this would be one of things that would make me snap.

It all depends on your brother, and how much of a protective personality he has. I am fairly protective of my sisters, but I do stay out of their personal lives, even when guys mess them about.
But hitting one of them would be too much for me to sit back and not react to.

I'd still do it, knowing full well that I'd be the one landed in trouble.

FreaK_BrutheR

Better edit this then==== he does deserve a kicking though and no mistake.

I had a friend of mine a good few years back whoi was living with an abusive bloke. like majorly abusive. She told me and my brother one night in tears when we were out. Now Im not saying Im overly proud of what we did about it but we went round and dragged him out of the flat they were living in. Made him give us the keys and told him to call the next day to pick up his things as he was leaving the flat and her. He called and picked up his gear next day with 2 mates gumming for a fight - how anyone could back up a bloke like that I'll never know by the way... I mean he found 2 people to fight along side him on this. Well they went for me and the brother and well we knocked fu(k out of them after which we got all his gear and threw it onto the street. We told our mate not to be there when he came round. Anyway long story whort he never came back near the girl again other than one phonecall asking for her to forgive him.... she replied with a firm go fu(k yourself!

SOme people are violently inclined. When someone does them wrong they act violently. Sometimes the only way you can let someone ike that know they are doing you wrong is a good hard slap.

Not saying violence helped..... just sayin.... and no I am not a violent person.. I will however protect me, my friends and family from these kind of(unts and mindless violence.

Beruthiel

freak
banned for condoning violence
B

Femelade

BizzyC wrote:

I'm not thick either.
I'm am in no way a violent person, never really been in a fight, but this would be one of things that would make me snap.

It all depends on your brother, and how much of a protective personality he has. I am fairly protective of my sisters, but I do stay out of their personal lives, even when guys mess them about.
But hitting one of them would be too much for me to sit back and not react to.

I'd still do it, knowing full well that I'd be the one landed in trouble.

sorry, i didnt mean to imply that u were thick, sorry if it came across like that.
my brother is as over protective as anyother brother would be. i begged him not to do anything stupid, for his sake and my own, he respected that. of course he was livid, who wouldnt be.

but your right..it does depend on the OP's brother, and which way he would be able to handle a situation like this.

sorry again if i offended u BizzyC.

Help?

Thanks everyone who's taken the time to reply... I'm just trying to get this all straight in my head..... if I go to the gardai and he doesn't have a record will they do anything?

In the hospital I said it was due to falling and whacking my arm off the table... will the fact I lied change anything? it was him who brought me to the hospital.

I called my brother's gf and she's coming round later. I'm hoping to tell her and then tell my brother together, it's just easier not to be on my own when I tell him, I know he'll be angry and hurt I haven't told him before.