Fair weather friends

LegacyUser

I recently broke up with my long term partner ( sorta complicated, we are still living in the same house seperate rooms. sorta not we are friends and getting on well infact better that we are not a couple. )
Most of my/our friends took it well they had know things werent right for a while.

But now that I have started seeing someone else ( a good bit younger )
they have all sort of freaked.
They know the person I am seeing but it is like they are all uncomfortible
with it but none of them has had the balls to talk to me about it.

Instead they have stopped calling in or including me in anything they are doing.
The break up was hard, finding myself swept off my feet was stunning
and had it's own issues but is it not a bounce back thing.
All of this I managed to get through all of that but what is causing the most
heartache is missing my friends.

I have tired to organise a get together, they all had reasons not to go,
they are just not including me anymore
Part of me thinks sod them, but they have been friends from the last 10 to the last 3 years.

Should I just leave them be, or am I just upsetting myslef by trying to still
have them as friends.

Bamby21

Jesus thats a tough one...
Maybe u cud trap of of ur mates and get him/her to vent their feelings and then get some idea as to why they are acting like jerks...
make the initial effort and let them see ya have...
if there is still awkwardness then maybe sod em..

scoey

Torn wrote:

Most of my/our friends took it well they had know things werent right for a while.

But now that I have started seeing someone else ( a good bit younger )
they have all sort of freaked.
They know the person I am seeing but it is like they are all uncomfortible
with it but none of them has had the balls to talk to me about it.

Instead they have stopped calling in or including me in anything they are doing.

I have to say, I don't really understand this at all. I can't see why you starting to go out with someone new would somehow cause ALL your friends of several years to just ignore you. You say the person you're going out with is a good bit younger, they aren't like 14 or something right?, or a drug dealer\well known dangerous criminal of some sort? Thats the only reason I can think of why I'd stop talking to someone in a similar situation.

If this isn't the case then all i can offer is the old cliche that if they're willing to suddenly stop talking to you because you're going out with someone new then they aren't really your friends at all. Sorry.

coolhandluke

I hope you don't have your new bloke staying over in the house when your ex is there, if it was me i'd go through the bloody roof.
Maybe your friends think you treated your ex badly,was he a nice bloke ?Did you treat him like **** ?did you cheat on him with new bloke ?
You say you were swept off you feet maybe your friend see something in the new bloke,you haven't copped on to yet ?? think girl think ?

Kolodny

Torn wrote:

They know the person I am seeing but it is like they are all uncomfortible
with it but none of them has had the balls to talk to me about it.

Why do you think they're uncomfortable? Is it because they don't approve of you having a new partner or they don't approve of this person in particular?

It's always a bit messy splitting from someone when you've got mutual friends who may find it hard not to 'take sides' but if you honestly can't understand why you're being excluded then you deserve some sort of explanation - I'd try to even talk to one of these friends and ask directly what the problem is.

BeardyGit

I'd contradict the advice given here to be honest. Don't pick out one person to ask them what's going on with everyone else. It's unfair to put someone in that position and I'm speaking as someone who'd been on the receiving end of such an approach before. You won't get a balanced and honest answer - It'll be tainted with resentment because you've put them on the spot.

I'd suggest that your 'friends' may have taken news of the break-up well in the first place because they're not really your friends at all. And I don't mean that as some sort of snub at them. I'd suggest that they *are* taking sides and perhaps with good reason:

You've chosen to remain in the same house even though you're not together any longer.
You've chosen to publicly engage in another relationship with someone you all know.
You've chosen to do this in close proximity to your ex (The same house FFS!).
You've chosen to pressure them into taking sides by trying to force social engagement under less that considerate circumstances.

I'd hazard a guess that you were also the one to do the breaking up. Or at least that's what they've been told. Even if they haven't, you're still coming across as the b**** at the moment. Even if this seems harsh and you don't believe there could be any foundation for such beliefs on their part, you should recognise that by living under the same roof as your ex you are fueling their fire.

So heres the fix list:

Pack up and move out. And if it's your place - Pack your ex up and tell them to move out. There's no room for acts of charity after a break-up from either party. Forget this S*** about the two of you being friends - The two of you are NOT FRIENDS....And it doesn't matter if it makes you feel better to pretend you are.

Don't contact people who don't want to socialise with you - This means you leave your common friends alone. Recognise that at present you're not flavour of the month with them. You're acting like an idiot and right or wrong you're ex gets their sympathy and friendship. You should have your own friends anyway. If you don't, stop whining and go make some.

Decide what you want to happen with your new 'whirlwind' romance. Recognise that you're likely to rule out the chances of rebuilding your own friendships with these people if you continue to see someone who causes a clash in your social circles (I don't care whether or not this appears fair to you - It's the way it works). It doesn't matter if you've cheated with them or not, how old they are etc., etc. What matters is that it's someone you all knew. Right now, right or wrong, you're doing the dirty - that's the way this works.

I'm not trying to be harsh. It just blows me away how naieve people can be after a breakup.....

Gil

crazymonkey

I agree with Gil_Dub, good advice there,