Depressed spouse

LegacyUser

I really need a bit of perspective on things - so genuine advice would be appreciated.

Facts
Going out for 5 years.
Living together in house we bought well over a year ago.
Both 25+
Very happy loving relationship
Both in good jobs no money worries
Got engaged about a year ago - fixed a wedding date and all.

My partner (out of the blue) started suffering from depression in early January - it has been a long road since then. Her medication has been upped 4 times in the last 4 months and she is not getting better. We were forced to cancel the wedding a few months ago. At her last visit to the psychiatrist it was suggested that a break from our relationship was needed as she was 100% emotionally dependent on me.

I was very supportive for the past 7 months doing all I could to help and support her and now I've had to move out of my home because I was basically too supportive. I moved out as we felt she wouldn't be able for the shock of being on her own and having to move out and start a new life in a new house etc. So I agreed to move out - so as to give her a better chance of recovering.

While there was no malice in my better halfs need to "take a break" - (I really hate that term, it's so American) it has left me feeling really betrayed. We are no longer in contact now and I'm feeling as much anger as sadness. The longer we stay apart the harder I believe it will be for me to go back to her. My life is very up in the air. I don't know what next week or next month holds for me. I can't tell my family about any of this because I know if we did get back together that my mother and sister would hold a serious grudge forever (they are very loyal and protective people).

The question I'm asking is - should I just leave the relationship and cut my losses? The strain this is putting on me is agony - but I still love the girl. If it were my choice I would have stuck through years of this living with her. But, taking the break and being so apart has really hit me personally....

Beruthiel

I honestly don't know how much perspective any of us can give you on that one. I'm very sorry to read the above, and if you don't mind me saying so, you have been amazing thoughout the last 7 months. I'm not sure how many of us would move out of our own home just to give someone that sort of space because some doctor said so.
can you answer me this
in your opinion was your g/f as dependant on you as the doctor said and did you not know?

Anon7 wrote:

should I just leave the relationship and cut my losses? The strain this is putting on me is agony - but I still love the girl.

it's time you sat down with her and discussed this tbh.
only you know how much you can take of this and I really don't think it's fair of her to leave you hanging - I understand that depression cannot be helping her decision but you have only one life to live and you cannot be waiting forever in the hopes she might say that you can move back in.

But, taking the break and being so apart has really hit me personally....

of course it has, fair play to you for lasting this long.
time for you to make some decisions on what you want for yourself, then have a good long talk and see if you can come to some sort of decision - if you can't, well then, you also have to decide what you'll do under those circumstances.
best of luck
a

tirl

you sound very supportive, have you got someone supporting you now, TBH I think this advise was rather extreme, have you both spoken about getting a 2nd opinion?

Talliesin

Anon7 wrote:

The question I'm asking is - should I just leave the relationship and cut my losses?

I wouldn't say cut your losses as such, but if someone else appears on the horizon don't rule out the possibility of a relationship with them due to the one you're on a break from.

Hold on to the hope that your partner will get themselves sorted, and that when they do they will want to be in your life and have you in yours again, but be realistic about both the possibility that that won't happen and the fact that the relationship will necessarily have to be different (if her being overly dependant on you was indeed a problem) and as such might be too different for one or both of you.

If you can't manage to both hold on to that hope, and yet be open to the possibility that it may not work out, I'd lean towards calling it quits tbbh. If that's what it takes to get your own life back together (and you've obviously been through a lot here yourself), then do it and if you hear from her again start by being there for her as a friend and not pushing things to happen any particular way unless they do.

If you can manage it, and not be too torn by doing so, then I wish the best of luck to both of you.

Gilgamesh

man that is a bad (unusual) situation to be in.
How long have you been 'on a break' for now?
I personally am not a fan of doctors opinions or that of a psychiatrist tbh, have had very bad experiences with them in the past.
Also did you ever have a session with that Doc? did they ask for your side of the current situation, I mean, if you noticed anything change in her life which could have pushed her into depression.
It seems weird to me that a Doc would advise you to move out of your place, as you describe to be your gf's only support at the moment.

if it has been a few weeks now, I would think a talk with her would be adequate.
It might sound harsh, but you have a life too, and you have put your loyalty to this girl and a sheer amazing level and proven it too, you have my respects for that, but on the other hand, YOUR life has to go on too.

losing contact to her seems to be a bit unusual, too.
did you text her/call her and she didn't reply or answer, or are you waiting for her to get in touch with you?

LegacyUser

Beruthiel - I and she were fully aware of the dependency. It was a very restrictive environment for me - as we were both very independent prior to the depression. I saw it as a necessary support mechanism that she needed from me over the past few months.

Over the past 7 months my focus has been to help her, but as you suggested, I'm now starting to ask what do "I" need. The amount of variables involved in this sort of decision are unbelievable.

tirl - I agree, the advice did seem extreme. I asked her to chat with her Counsellor and he "saw the potential benefits" of a break. I friend of mine did make the point to me yesterday - should I not have been included in this discussion to some extent, be it with the Counsellor or the psychiatrist. At the time that didn't really occure to me.

Thanks for asking if I'm getting much support - and fortunatley close friends of mine are attempting to reach out. To be honest, I'm not really accepting it. I'm very withdrawn at the moment and don't have the heart to talk to people. I am a sensitive person, but I'm not comfortable with opening up, it's just not in my nature.

Talliesin - I agree with your 50/50 approach, to be open to moving on, and be aware that it might all fall into place again. To be honest I'm a typical man.......... and that sort of emotional cartwheeling isn't in my make up. I'm not the type of guy that is comfortable with being on a break and forming any sort of relationship with another woman. It wouldn't be fair on either of the women involved. That is why this is tough for me. Psychological I'm commited or I'm not, I'm not really able to live with the emotionally grey areas.

I'm the type of guy who puts a lot of stock in being able to look myself in the mirror in the mornings. If you get my meaning...

Talliesin

Gilgamesh wrote:

I personally am not a fan of doctors opinions or that of a psychiatrist tbh, have had very bad experiences with them in the past.

It does seem a bit overly directive IMHO. Could it be that it was a course of action she decided on when discussing stuff with her shrink, rather than something s/he said to do as such?

LegacyUser

It's only been a week. The only contact is the necessary stuff - letter came for you or I need to pick up my cheque book etc. We both agreed that the texting/calling for the first two weeks or so would only make it harder - and she would be "waiting for the call" and delighted to hear from me. Which would be counter productive... I never met the experts before. They are of the opinion that getting engaged and moving to the adult stage in her life (marriage kids etc.) gave my partner a fear of change, which was the spark for the depression. Saying that we were a good 3 maybe even 7 years away from that adult stuff. But we were taking the first few small steps on the very long journey to that type of road.

I did ask who suggested the break and she said it was the psychiatrist - which I believe. I also asked was it something she "mentioned" or did she recommend it. And she maintains it was a recommended. I'm trying to take all of this at face value - second guessing and wondering only causes more problems and a lack of clarity.

Beruthiel

Anon7 wrote:

I'm now starting to ask what do "I" need. The amount of variables involved in this sort of decision are unbelievable.

probably even too daunting to look straight in the face yet, but eventually you must, and preferably before it starts to effect you to the degree where it’s hard to even attempt.
You have lost yourself in all of this and it definitely is the moment for ‘me’ to be brought into consideration.
Putting yourself first is a very difficult and head wrecking thing to do when first you start, it will get easier once you’ve made your decisions and stick to them. Try to remind yourself that nothing is impossible

tshould I not have been included in this discussion to some extent, be it with the Counsellor or the psychiatrist. At the time that didn't really occure to me.

you should have, I think it very irresponsible of the doctor in question not to have included you

Thanks for asking if I'm getting much support - and fortunatley close friends of mine are attempting to reach out. To be honest, I'm not really accepting it.

try to, if you are lucky enough to have good friends, let them help you.

tirl

IMO since you were in a long term relationship and especially when you were her support, this decision should not have been taken without your input with the Dr or Counsellor, that is unless she decided she didn't want you involved. Is there a chance of you getting back together? then I would suggest you both attend relationship counselling, if not then you have to look after YOU and let her take whatever measures she is taking for herself

Töpher

The doctors opinion does seem a bit harsh, especially when you didn't have a chance to talk to him yourself. In a similar situation myself about 8 months ago, the psychiatrist in question insisted on having a seperate lone consultations with both myself and my girlfriends father (She is nearly 20 and still living at home, so I guess he felt the need to speak with her father, given that fact I'm surprised I was called in at all) before making any decisions or suggestions.

Do you even know how she is doing, through mutual friends or anything? How long has this "break" been now? Personally, I wouldn't suggest just leaving and cutting your losses, at least until you know more about how she is doing, and what she is thinking etc. Depression can take a good while to overcome, and it can take a while to start seeing any positive change. I would imagine some small contact may help you, even a text message or two, to find out how she is doing etc.

You can't let this run or ruin your life, and she wouldn't want that either. I think the main question you have to ask yourself here is if she starts to show positive signs of improvement (it won't happen overnight, but gradually she will please God start to recover), would you be happy to re-enter a relationship with her? Knowing that she probably still won't be herself 100%, but will be better than she is now. If you honestly believe that it will be possible to get together again and enjoy a healthy loving relationship, I think you know what do there. And similarly, despite your love for her, if you fell you cannot...

Either way, being on a break does not mean total lack of contact, and I would suggest at least trying to talk to her (text message/email - phone/face-to-face may be too emotional) and see how things are.

tirl

I agree with the poster above, and as I said before I think you should have been consulted. I have read through the original post again and there are other issues there also, like what has happened with the house you both bought, although you moved out are you still paying for it? IMO I don't think that no contact with you is good for either of you, especiall after she was so dependant on you, what support besides medical has she got now.

LegacyUser

As its only been a week - the house isn't an issue yet. Neither of us are too worried. The rent I'm paying is a financial strain on top of paying my 50% of the mortgage - but I'm good at tightening the purse strings when necessary, so I'm knuckling down in that respect. We were very lucky - it has gone up by at least 80k maybe 120k in value so its not a potential burden in that respect.

I agree with people that the no contact is a bad move, hopefully it won't last for long, but thats the way its going. She's to contact me when she's ready.....

She is getting Counselling and she has some family around too. Also, this break is supposed to force her to get out and start meeting people again and putting herself out there. I suggested she get in a house mate - I thought a 1st cousin of hers would be perfect (rent free and all)... But the counsellor said this would allow my better half to transfer her dependancy to her cousin...... Didn't think of that myself.

Santa Claus

Could you speak to her family about it and see what they think ?
If nothing else, you could at least check with them how she's coping as i imagine thats a major worry for you !

LegacyUser

I have mutual friends keeping an eye on her. So I'm confident that she's "being watched". I'm not comfortable with approaching her family (they have always been very nice and friendly to me) but over the past 7 months and our 30/40 interactions with her family members - they have never discussed/mentioned/hinted at the depression with me. They have never asked how I was doing. They have never mentioned the depression to me at all in any way shape or form. They have all been very good to her (mostly)and discussed it with her etc.

I haven't said it to her, but I did feel as if maybe I was getting a little bit of blame in her house - but they all stayed as nice to me and I got no negative vibes either. They are a very emotionally closed family - very old fashioned, stiff upper lip stuff, but very friendly. Typical country Ireland. So I didn't over think it...

Töpher

It will also let the family know how you are taking this if you contact them to ask how she is. Lets face it, they will have an influence on her now, so its good to at least stay in their good books and show you care!

sue30

You may be better off forgetting her. It will be hard but it sounds like she has let you go. Depression is not an easy illness to live with. I lived with someone who suffered with it and it drained me of my energy. I realised that there was nothing I could do anymore so I let him go. Ive now found somebody who is the opposite of my ex and my life is much happier.