friends after relationship

SillyThings

Okay thank's everyone.

Got a missed call off her yesterday.

Tried calling her back 4 times no answer.

LegacyUser

Buck i feel for you. She obviously doesnt know what she wants so get one over her and get your life sorted. look after and worry abou Silly things now not your ex

AllMessedUp

let her ring you

Alpha505

SillyThings wrote:

Okay thank's everyone.

Got a missed call off her yesterday.

Tried calling her back 4 times no answer.

Maybe calm down those calls ST, let her ring you. Oh and ignore certain advice from certain members, Id love to say more but Id be banned. Hold your head up high and smile

MiamiDancer

SillyThings wrote:

Okay thank's everyone.

Got a missed call off her yesterday.

Tried calling her back 4 times no answer.

SillyThings if u miss a call try call her back and if she doesnt answer let her call you again.
Dont keep calling her and dont leave loads of voicemails and dont send her loads of emails. If she wants to speak to you shell call

For now i think the best thing you can do is just try your best to get over her try to get her out of your head. Go out with friends have a laugh have a good time without her. It will be hard at first but with time these things get easier and youl find yourself thinking about her less and less!

I know its hard but its something you have to do for yourself you need to move on an d get on with your life.

SillyThings

MiamiDancer wrote:

SillyThings if u miss a call try call her back and if she doesnt answer let her call you again.
Dont keep calling her and dont leave loads of voicemails and dont send her loads of emails. If she wants to speak to you shell call

For now i think the best thing you can do is just try your best to get over her try to get her out of your head. Go out with friends have a laugh have a good time without her. It will be hard at first but with time these things get easier and youl find yourself thinking about her less and less!

I know its hard but its something you have to do for yourself you need to move on an d get on with your life.

Yeah

But I need answers as to why she is doing this after nearly 5 years

why did she call

was I really that bad to her

she won't even talk to my friends when she sees them

yet her friend rang me telling me to hold on

all she can say is sorry

MiamiDancer

SillyThings wrote:

Yeah

But I need answers as to why she is doing this after nearly 5 years

why did she call

was I really that bad to her

she won't even talk to my friends when she sees them

yet her friend rang me telling me to hold on

all she can say is sorry

She must have some reasons i agree but it seems that she is either afraid of hurting you by telling you or she doesnt know them herself yet.
Either way i think you are going to have to accept that your relationship is over.
After 5 years it is wrong and its not fair of her to do this to you but she is doing it for whatever reasons she has....

SillyThings

call me stupid but do people just wake up one day and fall out of love/relationship?

simu

Originally Posted by editedguest
One... I look forward to you and Simu possibly doing the crash and burn all over the internet thing.

It's just so much more interesting to watch!

wtf? If somebody has something to say to me, PM me - stop dragging this thread off topic.

To the OP - you need space from this girl and only after you have had some time alone to recover will you be able to decide whether it's possible to remain friends. Explain this to her - if she's in any way reasonable, she'll understand.

You'll get your answers in time or else, they'll come not to matter anymore.

nesf

merc? wrote:

One... I look forward to you and Simu possibly doing the crash and burn all over the internet thing.

It's just so much more interesting to watch!

Possibly, possibly

You life must be boring mate if you're having to amuse yourself by waiting around for people's relationships to fall apart.

simu

SillyThings wrote:

call me stupid but do people just wake up one day and fall out of love/relationship?

Well, in my experience, it happens slowly but you don't notice it straight away which is why it can seem to the other person that it came out of the blue.

nesf

SillyThings wrote:

call me stupid but do people just wake up one day and fall out of love/relationship?

They might. I'd argue that it'd take a good while before it sunk in enough for something to happen with it.

Plus tbh, there's a huge difference between relationships and love. You can love someone but decide to break up with them because it just wasn't working. It's happened to me in the past.

SillyThings

nesf wrote:

They might. I'd argue that it'd take a good while before it sunk in enough for something to happen with it.

Plus tbh, there's a huge difference between relationships and love. You can love someone but decide to break up with them because it just wasn't working. It's happened to me in the past.

i think that's what happened to me

nesf

SillyThings wrote:

i think that's what happened to me

It's hard to accept. But tbh mate, not every couple that are in love are meant to be together.

With some time you might have a better perspective on things and see the problems easier.

SillyThings

i tell u what the probs mite of been

we were stuck together like tar for 5 years

we lived together for 5 months and that was great but maybe too great

but having sed all that i wasnt prepared to end it i never wanted to

but she did

we had no life only each other and with her in City X and me in City Y things change

that's all I can come up with

AllMessedUp

feel for ya. in the meantime go out in City Y and try to enjoy yourself. sounds like she'll come back but trust me you'll probably be over her by then. if not it will be all rosy. Just forget about her let her do all the thinking.

ergo

I don't think ye can be friends, not for a long long time anyway

like a lot of responders have been in same situation myself

almost a 5 year relationship, so much to give up, I suppose it was a "now or never" situation in terms of the rest of our lives,

when she ended it I would have done anything to have her back, anything, am glad now that we didn't struggle on (although in our case there were mutual problems, I wasn;t 100% happy either, sounds like you were though)

one piece of advice, which is hard i know, is to try and find out ASAP the situation, ( and not by stalking or by giving her x number of missed calls)
even in your head,and in her mind; is it over? if so, try and move on for a while anyway, cut off all ties, ALL TIES, for a while

holding onto false hope is the worst thing that you can do. and the first few weeks are the toughest but I think the first 8 to 12 months are also tough after a break up of such a long relationship, anniversaries, Christmas etc

but it gets easier , and life gets good again, hang in there

LegacyUser

Its the same for us all mate Women break away from the love stuff after starting it. They soften you up then they drop you like a hot spud. Just say to yourself "feck her" and have a laugh. Most of them then come back after a few months or the rest of them will vome back telling you that they were sleeping with someone else behind your back bla bla bla

jonny68

Im afraid i wont be friends with my ex bird after all the sh*t that's happened

MojoMaker

Right, here's the general rule in black and white:

If you're the flicker it's easy to remain "friends" with the ex, if you're the flickee there's no chance of "just being friends". Yes it's a bastard.

secret_squirrel

MojoMaker wrote:

Right, here's the general rule in black and white:

If you're the flicker it's easy to remain "friends" with the ex, if you're the flickee there's no chance of "just being friends". Yes it's a bastard.

Element of truth there alright.

LegacyUser

MojoMaker wrote:

Right, here's the general rule in black and white:

If you're the flicker it's easy to remain "friends" with the ex, if you're the flickee there's no chance of "just being friends". Yes it's a bastard.

Erm yea thats true the flicker either feels guilty or wants u back in his/her life in the future as a friend or more,its one or the other

Alpha505

nesf wrote:

You can love someone but decide to break up with them because it just wasn't working. It's happened to me in the past.

Thats very true. I think thats what happened to me last time around - the circumstances were just too hard, even after she made more effort I could have made more. As the song says "sometimes love just aint enough"

Although it should be. Thats just not how the real world works.

SillyThings

we were too young

all too much too young too soon

she wanted to be single again

love isnt enough

simple really

DontKnowMuch

I think that you can be a friend of your ex, if the romantic feelings are gone. As long as you love her, there´s no place for friendship. I´ve been recently dumped and i know that she wants me around as a friend. But as long as love her ( and I honestly can´t stop loving her, despite everything that happened), I simply cannot be her friend, like a normal,regular friend....
This is so complicated....breakups are hell on earth.

DawnMc

My ex broke up with me a month ago after 4 months together. We moved really easily into friendship but as he's been away for the summer, I haven't actually seen him face to face. However, I think the fact we had that time apart when he was away will make it easier for us to be friends.
I have met someone else and am really worried about him finding out. Any advice?
Should I tell him?

DawnMc

MojoMaker wrote:

Right, here's the general rule in black and white:

If you're the flicker it's easy to remain "friends" with the ex, if you're the flickee there's no chance of "just being friends". Yes it's a bastard.

I don't agree. I was the 'flickee' and I really want to be friends with my ex. In some ways, I guess I'm the flicker tho as he kept changing his mind - break up/make up but I made my mind up that no no no that was the end.

AllMessedUp

My ex broke it off after 3.5 years (we both 22 and went to same college,from same town), she moved away got a new job. things were funny between us and i decided to break it off, i didnt want to but had to. She cried and i felt bad and i realized that i loved her and took her back. A month later she wanted a break, i didnt give to her and 3 or 4 days later shefelt it was over, she broke it off and i couldnt take. I spent 2 weeks beggin her back, she was cruel and mean(sayin she was with other lads after the breakupand the thoughts of bein with me would make her sick etc...) to protect us(so i could get over her quickly). I spent another week not contacting her until i broke down again. She then emailed me (and i also got a nice phonecall) saying she still loved me, and my family but she didnt love me the same way anymore and that she was missing me like crazy and was in disbelief. It was i suppose a nice goodbye and an apology. I tried again to persuade her to come back, but she said she couldnt do it to me cas she wasnt IN love with me anymore. She asked for us to be friends in a few months,that she didnt want me out of her life and she had already lost too much.I left it for another while...but last nite I started gettin the shakes and feelin really lonely. I rang her and I didnt even know what to say,she asked how i was, i told her i was in bits...she then said "i wished i hadnt sent that email", "i cant go back to you" "i dont feel the same way anymore". Im okay now but i know itl hit me again,maybe today,tomora or even next week but having given up all my old friends and hobbies i realize how fcked up my life is at d mo. She is moving on and I cant. So i dunno after me ringing her i doubt she'll ever want to be my friend,because all she feels now is guilt,regrets and sorrow for me.What a fckin mess...

I dont want her scared of me, I dont want her feelin sorry for me and I dont want us to get back together. But I feel embarressed and ashamed for making her scraed and guilty for all thats happened. After all, I was prepared to break it off 2 months ago. I miss her, and if i could take back all the tears i cried n all the sh!t i said to her the past month i would. Should of bein a man about it and took it on the chin...but now im just feel empty,embarressed and stupid. All i want to do know is get on with my life. hope we can be friends because in the 3.5 years we never had a major row or a split up. she fell out of love with me so im just tryin to get over it. Hope you can too

rebekah

ok guys its nevr easy even if ur the dumper or the dumpee! my x dumped me 5 months ago after 6 months together n its been hell im still madly in love wit the boy but he dumped me because he didn wana b in a relationship r at least dat was wat he sed,Iv tried to do the friends thing but he aint interested at all. he went away workin for the summer n wev txtd as few times since hes bin bak but nothin. I really want him bak cos noone is as gud as him n every guy i meet i compare to him.

i havent cn him since the break up which was gud btw. it was wat happened after that was bad. he made it clear that he was willing to be **** buddies but was enjoyin being single. wat do i do? its both our bdays soon n i dont no whether to txt to wish him a happy bday r not!!!!! wat do u guys think?

we met on holidays last year if that makes a diff. I miss him

AllMessedUp

text him you have nothin to lose..but dont do what i did and feel sorry for yourself. dont text him adn leave it for a few days then text again and leave it and text again etc... i was broken hearted but i havta get over it and i nearly am. Just wish id take all this sh!t i did back and treated and coped with the matter better. U do stupid things when ur upset and heartbroken! but fck it now havta get on with things.

text him its his bday, no harm in that.

valentino

SillyThings wrote:

call me stupid but do people just wake up one day and fall out of love/relationship?

Very good question man

No is the answer, apparantly women have certain degrees of interest in
you.

As time goes by this level of interest naturually goes down caused by your actions.

I.e. when you first meet her, she has 70% interest in you..

This is gradually whittled away to below 50% at which stage she decides to get rid of you.

The key point here is that women do not wake up and decide they have fallen out of love with you.. it happens gradually over time..

Interesting article below which addresses a guys problem in a slightly earlier stage in the process (just about to be dumped)

http://www.askmen.com/dating/doclove/23_doc_love.html

LegacyUser

AllMessedUp wrote:

My ex broke it off after 3.5 years (we both 22 and went to same college,from same town), she moved away got a new job. things were funny between us and i decided to break it off, i didnt want to but had to. She cried and i felt bad and i realized that i loved her and took her back. A month later she wanted a break, i didnt give to her and 3 or 4 days later shefelt it was over, she broke it off and i couldnt take. I spent 2 weeks beggin her back, she was cruel and mean(sayin she was with other lads after the breakupand the thoughts of bein with me would make her sick etc...) to protect us(so i could get over her quickly). I spent another week not contacting her until i broke down again. She then emailed me (and i also got a nice phonecall) saying she still loved me, and my family but she didnt love me the same way anymore and that she was missing me like crazy and was in disbelief. It was i suppose a nice goodbye and an apology. I tried again to persuade her to come back, but she said she couldnt do it to me cas she wasnt IN love with me anymore. She asked for us to be friends in a few months,that she didnt want me out of her life and she had already lost too much.I left it for another while...but last nite I started gettin the shakes and feelin really lonely. I rang her and I didnt even know what to say,she asked how i was, i told her i was in bits...she then said "i wished i hadnt sent that email", "i cant go back to you" "i dont feel the same way anymore". Im okay now but i know itl hit me again,maybe today,tomora or even next week but having given up all my old friends and hobbies i realize how fcked up my life is at d mo. She is moving on and I cant. So i dunno after me ringing her i doubt she'll ever want to be my friend,because all she feels now is guilt,regrets and sorrow for me.What a fckin mess...

I dont want her scared of me, I dont want her feelin sorry for me and I dont want us to get back together. But I feel embarressed and ashamed for making her scraed and guilty for all thats happened. After all, I was prepared to break it off 2 months ago. I miss her, and if i could take back all the tears i cried n all the sh!t i said to her the past month i would. Should of bein a man about it and took it on the chin...but now im just feel empty,embarressed and stupid. All i want to do know is get on with my life. hope we can be friends because in the 3.5 years we never had a major row or a split up. she fell out of love with me so im just tryin to get over it. Hope you can too

sorry to hear that u just need to leave her be for a while it will get better

Alpha505

valentino wrote:

As time goes by this level of interest naturually goes down caused by your actions.

I.e. when you first meet her, she has 70% interest in you..

This is gradually whittled away to below 50% at which stage she decides to get rid of you.

The key point here is that women do not wake up and decide they have fallen out of love with you.. it happens gradually over time..

They are a totally different species arent they. Im seriously missing my ex at the moment. The feeling isnt mutal.

AllMessedUp

ive don it again, i may be messed up but i texted her again today (3 times long messages), i think she turned off her phone after the first 2. they weent abusive but more going on about me being heartbroken and in shock (which sometimes i am, sometimes im not). Im tryin REALLY hard to leave her alone, really i am but i cant help myself. I really did love her for 3.5 years and we're finished now over a month an i still keep texting her sayin stuff like "how did this happen?" "i miss us" "im cracking up". I dunno what Im doin, i dont even know what im doin posting this on the net. you see I loved her and cared about her for so long and I miss what we had. She asked for a break b4 she did it and I didnt give it to her. she broke it off by a text and i still love her and care about her. she too wanted to be friends but i doubt she wants that now as i keep texting her, especially on the weekends cas thats when i used to see her the most. I wish i could take it all back, that I could of bin a man about it all and ignored her and left her be instead of being weird about it and texting her at the wk-ends. I know now i made the situation a million times more awkward and she's really annoyed,scared and guilty.

I shouldnt of done any of this. I wanted to show her again and again how much it hurts. After all we nearly 4years together without a big fight or breakup and we got on with both of our families. She wanted out and I dealt with it badly. I was showing my feelings but I dont think its any excuse for texting and emailing her like i have. God I wish I could take all that crap back. So i walk down the street and bump into her,say hi without feeling embarressed or ashamed and without her either feeling scared,guilty or hating me. Im lonely now and things are all up in the air...she's moved on and loves being single, and i should let it go...its just hard. She was the person I ran to (and she ran to me) when things went wrong. She really was a nice person and we did really love one another, but i should respected her decision (no matter how she broke it off) and not text her madly just because Im allmessedup the past month. Im fine now but tomora it could hit me for a few minutes again...but i wont be texting this time. I really f^cked it all up, and I feel like a rite gobsh!te

DawnMc

Hey AllMessedUp
It's bound to be very hard not to text her when you miss her. It reallly seems that you're not giving her a chance to miss you. If you really wanted her to miss what ye had, my sense is you wouldn't keep texting her.

What does that tell you?

AllMessedUp

I dunno really, I miss her and what we had but im angry and want to show her how hurt i am after the way me broke up.

I do honestly want her to be happy and i know me texting her the stuff i did is pisn her off but somtimes I just cant help myself. I got phonecalls off 3 different people to go out last nite but instead i stayed at home in bed listen to music and feelin sorry 4myself. Any other nite since the breakup nobody would ring n i'd be dyin to go out! Thats it now for definite I cant contact her anymore, should of handled it alot better. I thought I would but she took alot out of me i suppose. Even when im typing this stuff I feel stupid but thats genuinely the way it is.

Miss me? Id say she never will. I wouldnt blame her. Why should she care she has a new life now to fall back on. Its fiarly embarrassing now and she'll probably never will talk to me again, and if she does itl be out of pity. Tis my own fault though. nearly 4 years now and all gone down the drain thanks to a month of madness.

AllMessedUp

I miss her and all we had, I miss being in love and her loving me. I miss who she was and how good we were together. But the little thing that bothers me the most is if she had moved away 3 years into the realtionship, or 2 years or even 1 would the same thing happened? Was it as good as I thought it was? sure she wrote letters and told me every night she loved me but was it the fact that we were fading away or was it that she moved to the big smoke?

I know it shouldnt bother me and to be honest it doesnt most of the time, but it hits me sometimes when I think that she is single now and obviously wants to be; that she doing things that any young single 22 year old goodlooking girl would do...and at the end of the day our relationship (whether it was startin to fade or not) and me wasn't good enough...and she feels she is happier single or that there is better out there. I was willing to fight and give a go because I cared about her and I did still love her but she had enough. And after no big fights or arguements, nearly 4 years of love,care and attraction, all the secrets and time shared together...it takes 2 months in Dublin and a text message to end it all..

i'm over all that now, but after all this and me textin her tellin her that i felt hard done by i dunno if we'll ever be friends or should i be friends? i doubt if she cares and wants that now...i suppose ill have to leave it completely, i'll leave it up to her

secret_squirrel

Messed up you seem to be dwelling on this far too much - for gawds sake start to make a conscious effort to move on. All I can see in your posts now is self pity and narcissistic emotional masturbation.

There have been dozens of posts suggesting how to deal with your situation - I suggest you try some of them.

Farls

Man....your going round all this the wrong way. I'm in same sort of situation but you have to let go, i know its a killer, i want to text my old g/f all the time, i want to call her, i want to do all sorts...BUT i dont...instead i go do something else to take my mind off things.

She was with you 4 years, dont worry bout bein weird etc...dont send her a final "sorry" text or nothin...just stop with the communication. Its tough but it has to be down. Its the only way. you could try and get things down to just friends but you seem to far gone. As in you dont seem like you could cope with just friends.

Ring your mates bak and organise every weekend out with them, dont spend time alone, dont sit thinking what if etc, if you have to think about her...just think happy thoughts...dont beat yourself up. This is far from easy to do, I know all about it. But trust me...get your friends around you and use them, its what their there for. It also helps if you know a girl to talk to this about, well it did me anyway.

Hope things pick up tho, but I know they will.

Farlz

Farls

Also on a side note, i'd just like to say that women in relationships seem to have gone mad this year...nearly every lad i know has been dumped or cheated on by his g/f, fiancé or wife this year.

We were chattin about this in the pub the last night and women all over seem to have decided that males are no longer needed as long term lovers. Were only needed in small doses of their own choosing.

Just a rant but its a popular one amung males at the moment!

Farlz

AllMessedUp

yeah ur all rite, skipidydooodah

1985

my gf of 10 months broke it off with me a few weeks ago, but we've vowed to remain friends. we were friends before the break-up, and we all hang with the same people, so it would be unworkable not to.

im hurt, and i still have feeling for her, and having her about definitely doesnt help, but ill get over it. id really rather keep her as a friend then lose her forever though.

SillyThings

a update on the situation

she came back to Ballincollig yesterday pleading for me back I had the strength to tell her to back off

i think i did the right thing

allmessedup you will be okay in time remember what you told me

SillyThings

did i make a mistake everyone? we were a great couple

DontKnowMuch

SillyThings wrote:

did i make a mistake everyone? we were a great couple

It took a lot of courage to tell her to back off. I think you did the right thing. At this point, you may be regreting your decision, but I think time will show you made the right decision. It´s true that some couples breakup at some point and with time they manage to get together again. But these are exceptions. The general rule is, once it´s broken, it´s broken.
I once read : " A broken relationship is like a broken glass : if you try to get the pieces together, you´ll probably cut yourself ". Sometimes you just have to let it go. I know it´s much more easier said than done. I too have my heart broken. I know how much it hurts. You´ll have to find the strenght within yourself to carry on. This is life: sometimes we win, sometimes we loose. This time,i took a serious beating. I´m all messed up. But someday, all the bruises will go away and I will be ready to fight again

SillyThings

why is everyone breaking up this summer

something in the air

LegacyUser

SillyThings wrote:

did i make a mistake everyone? we were a great couple

Only you know the answer to that. She wants you back. Do you still love and miss her? Can the reletionship actually work even if there is love there? If so you should go for it.

Farls

Farls wrote:

Also on a side note, i'd just like to say that women in relationships seem to have gone mad this year...nearly every lad i know has been dumped or cheated on by his g/f, fiancé or wife this year.

We were chattin about this in the pub the last night and women all over seem to have decided that males are no longer needed as long term lovers. Were only needed in small doses of their own choosing.

Just a rant but its a popular one amung males at the moment!

Farlz

read the above ^^ :eek:

The_Conductor

I feel for you- believe me, I do.
The friends thing is a recipe for disaster- maybe it might work in a few months time, but from past experience I very much doubt it. Some girls do genuinely intend to pursue the friends thing- not thinking of the hurt they are causing the other person who still cares for them, or the emotional turmoil they may be causing to their current significant others, who no doubt are not bemused with the situation.

As so many of the previous posters have suggested- sitting about moaping over things will not achieve anything whatsoever for you. Personally I'd advise to put a lot of effort into a physical activity- be it work or a sport, it will tire you physically, you are tired emotionally already. Focus on something (and definitely not another girl....), set yourself goals and aim to achieve those goals. Be reasonable, be realistic, don't set yourself up for a failure.

The conflicting signals from your ex are not helping matters- nor is the *helpful* advice from her flatmate. Tune out from it, and them. You need to work through this one yourself, its a lonely journey that all of us have to take sooner or later.

Ignore the "there are plenty more fish in the sea" sentiments, immerse yourself in a totally non-related activity and try to not let the situation eat you up inside.

Take care man.

CathyMoran

I was very much of the opinion that if there is a good friendship in the first place then even if the romantic side does not work out then you can still remain friends. My first bf and I were not in contact for a few years after our split but then we met up again and became good friends, though the split had been mutual and there were no romantic feelings involved. Another ex and I were in the same college society so we had to meet up after the split (but I was dating someone else a while afterwards which made it easier), there were strong romantic feelings on my side but we are still friends, though by email only at this stage - I would classify him as a very close friend. After these two guys I thought that it was possible to be friends with ex, not easy but possible.

I have recently had cause to modify this - I dated someone for a few months, it was a chemistry relationship and when we split I had always wanted to know if there was as strong a friendship as chemistry. However, the friendship was even stronger than the chemistry which caught me totally unawares. For various reasons the friendship may have to be stopped due to the romantic past and I am faced with loosing my best friend, to say that it hurts is so much of an understatement.

I do think that at the very least the OP needs some space from their ex as well as some kind of closure on why the relationship failed so that the friendship can be just that, no going back because...

Best wishes to all those contemplating this heartbreaking problem.