friends after relationship

tonyinuae

SillyThings wrote:

a update on the situation

she came back to Ballincollig yesterday pleading for me back I had the strength to tell her to back off

i think i did the right thing

I'm full of admiration for your strength and moral courage in not accepting her back, you certainly did the right thing, and I'm sure it wasn't easy.

If after 5 years she hadn't the decency to break up with you to your face, you're hardly likely to be treated with the respect and consideration you deserve in the future if you did accept this treatment - that would not be a good precedent.

I think you're lucky - suppose she hadn't broken up with you and you went and got married - you could wake up to a rude shock one day!

LegacyUser

It is very hard and heart breaking when a breakup in such a strong lasting relationship but the best thing to do is to find new and old friends again, broading the horizons and setting new goals for one self. This girl obviously seems to have thought that there was a better life out there and she wants to live it. Far away hills are always greener. Now it has dawned on her that this is not the case and what ever you folks had as a couple sould never have been broken. I admire you strength to refuse her. Let this be a leason in life. Now is not the time to think of her, but think of yourself. As a woman
i can safely say most of all go through this panicey stage in life. We often wonder when the slightest doubt creeps in or when we are hurt that is there something better in life for us. I lost somebody I loved 2 years ago and it was my decision to lose him. He is now with another girl, and it hurts to see them together.

Dave

You're bordering on psycotic there man.

Son_of_Belial

Hmm, it really depends on the people involved. Five years is a really long time to be seeing someone. Give it some time. I was going out with my last gf for only about six weeks (give or take a week or so). We broke up almost three months ago. After a brief spell of e-mailing and saying we'd try to stay mates she stopped replying to emails or texts. I've sent her the odd text (maybe only about 4 in all) and have never got a reply. It really depends. Best to try and forget about her for at least a couple of months. As for:

SillyThings wrote:

a update on the situation

she came back to Ballincollig yesterday pleading for me back I had the strength to tell her to back off

i think i did the right thing

I'd totally burst her for pulling that one! I think that answers your "can we be mates" question tbh.

simu

Hmm... looking at my own experiences, it is pretty damn difficult for a friendship to develop out of a broken relationship. Whether this is because all the guys I've been and broken up with were bitter, emotionally-crippled man-children or because I can/have to be a hurricane of mercilessness and brutality when it comes to break-up time is a question that remains to be answered!

Slightly more pessimistic than my earlier response but what the hey.

LegacyUser

simu wrote:

I can/have to be a hurricane of mercilessness and brutality when it comes to break-up time is a question that remains to be answered!

Hmmm, I once read somewhere that women can do this so much better than men. They kick the guy when he is down, then kick him in the head, then declare that their bit on the side (and new boyfriend) is hung like Errol Flynn.

Not ALL women mind you, but they are *****definitely***** better at the moving on malarky than men.

quad_red

up friends with women I've had any sort of intensity with.

Move on. Not backwards.

Ye broke up for a reason.

MojoMaker

OT
Errol Flynn was in fact quite small.
/OT

Hard to actively remain friends afterwards because *some* emotions always hang around following a breakup. These may dissipate over time and once they're behind you it is possible to start relating to the other person as 'just' a friend, but yes it takes some time and usually distance, emotional if not physical.

span

Crazzzycat wrote:

It is very hard and heart breaking when a breakup in such a strong lasting relationship but the best thing to do is to find new and old friends again, broading the horizons and setting new goals for one self. This girl obviously seems to have thought that there was a better life out there and she wants to live it. Far away hills are always greener. Now it has dawned on her that this is not the case and what ever you folks had as a couple sould never have been broken. I admire you strength to refuse her. Let this be a leason in life. Now is not the time to think of her, but think of yourself. As a woman
i can safely say most of all go through this panicey stage in life. We often wonder when the slightest doubt creeps in or when we are hurt that is there something better in life for us. I lost somebody I loved 2 years ago and it was my decision to lose him. He is now with another girl, and it hurts to see them together.

Women Women Women they hurt,drive the poor guys in to maddness,they spend the first few days after it mad out,hopping on every female in heat but they'll always have a broken heart.Then they realize theyre mistake and attempt the crawl back but its all to late.Let me think?Where have I heard that before Women Women Women

BaZmO*

MojoMaker wrote:

OT
Errol Flynn was in fact quite small.
/OT

Yeah but he was *hung* like a donkey. (Apparently)

B.

span

AllMessedUp wrote:

ive don it again, i may be messed up but i texted her again today (3 times long messages), i think she turned off her phone after the first 2. they weent abusive but more going on about me being heartbroken and in shock (which sometimes i am, sometimes im not). Im tryin REALLY hard to leave her alone, really i am but i cant help myself. I really did love her for 3.5 years and we're finished now over a month an i still keep texting her sayin stuff like "how did this happen?" "i miss us" "im cracking up". I dunno what Im doin, i dont even know what im doin posting this on the net. you see I loved her and cared about her for so long and I miss what we had. She asked for a break b4 she did it and I didnt give it to her. she broke it off by a text and i still love her and care about her. she too wanted to be friends but i doubt she wants that now as i keep texting her, especially on the weekends cas thats when i used to see her the most. I wish i could take it all back, that I could of bin a man about it all and ignored her and left her be instead of being weird about it and texting her at the wk-ends. I know now i made the situation a million times more awkward and she's really annoyed,scared and guilty.

I shouldnt of done any of this. I wanted to show her again and again how much it hurts. After all we nearly 4years together without a big fight or breakup and we got on with both of our families. She wanted out and I dealt with it badly. I was showing my feelings but I dont think its any excuse for texting and emailing her like i have. God I wish I could take all that crap back. So i walk down the street and bump into her,say hi without feeling embarressed or ashamed and without her either feeling scared,guilty or hating me. Im lonely now and things are all up in the air...she's moved on and loves being single, and i should let it go...its just hard. She was the person I ran to (and she ran to me) when things went wrong. She really was a nice person and we did really love one another, but i should respected her decision (no matter how she broke it off) and not text her madly just because Im allmessedup the past month. Im fine now but tomora it could hit me for a few minutes again...but i wont be texting this time. I really f^cked it all up, and I feel like a rite gobsh!te

listen you are hurt its acceptable but move on.if your relationship was as long and as good as you said it was then i bet you our bottom dollar she will come back to you or has already considered it but you must move on.she is trash after what she did to you so move on and be a man.if she does come back tell her where to go.love hurts and your hurting

LegacyUser

Friendship can develop out of a reletionship that was very light to begin with, only saw each other once/twice a week and maybe the sex was just soso.

If the reletionship was intense forget about friendship for at least 3 years.

GreenHell

Friends after serious relationship... not a chance. It makes no sense to me, I can see how two consenting parties in a break up could be friends but when one side doesn't want a relationship to end friendship is impossible, well it might be possible at the cost of our sanity.

LegacyUser

just have to say fella's-i'm going thru the same s**t. Girlfriend dumped me for no concrete reason, saying that it doesn't feel right anymore and she doesnt know if she loves me. All this and 5 days before she'd told em she loved me for the first time and we booked to go away over xmas. Heartwrenching.
i'm devastated but trying to keep it cool. she knows i love her and want ehr back. we're meeting for drink this week to give each others things back. Gonna have to NOT plead for her back. I really wish and pray she does come back to me if i give her space but i know that's what she wanted a little of anyway so my biggest fear is that she wont want me bnack and will feel better for it ending.

Farls

fatboyslick wrote:

just have to say fella's-i'm going thru the same s**t. Girlfriend dumped me for no concrete reason, saying that it doesn't feel right anymore and she doesnt know if she loves me. All this and 5 days before she'd told em she loved me for the first time and we booked to go away over xmas. Heartwrenching.
i'm devastated but trying to keep it cool. she knows i love her and want ehr back. we're meeting for drink this week to give each others things back. Gonna have to NOT plead for her back. I really wish and pray she does come back to me if i give her space but i know that's what she wanted a little of anyway so my biggest fear is that she wont want me bnack and will feel better for it ending.

There'll soon be enough demand for an "I've just been dumped" forum!

Welcome to hell mate, prepare for a rough few weeks but as everyone else says on here...it does get easier and i'm living testament to that...roll on life :eek:

LegacyUser

I post regularly but Im remaining anon for reasons that are plain to see! breakups are well difficult, really really difficult; heck its HELL!I had something good with a girl for 7 years or so,started dating at 16. Beautiful, hard headed, genuine and mature (her Dad wasn't shy of a few euros!). But she came to a point in life where she just thought it was all too much. That she neede to be her own person and make it on her own.Let me tell you that hurt. I saw her the other evening, and we just smiled at one another. God I still love her and I know she loves me but it can never happen for us. Other situations may be different but we can never go back. For some life just goes on and no matter how much we remind overselves on the past and the happy times its what lies ahead that matters.

LegacyUser

thanks for the welcome altho i'd rather not be here!

I've been thru what i hope is my worst ever break up and that was with my first love 5 years ago.

My problem with this ex is that it was outta the blue and there's NOTHING about her i dont love. with my first love there was alot of things i could see that i didnt want in a future partner but this time ther is nothing-i really could see her being someone i would spend a future with. One of my biggest downers was that i was a bit too nice-little backbone. sort of stuck between a rock and hard place i thought. didnt want to show her i wasnt intersted but i loved doing things for her. I know i was a good boyfriedn i just wish id shown her i had a little more respect and independence. any idea how i can go about showing that now.

jonny68

MMMMM a pity i couldn't have remained friends with any of my ex's but certainly not my fault there..i believe you can be friends with an ex though,i know a bloke who gets on very well with his ex,they now both are going out with different people and whilst they obviously wouldn't see each other all the time they would meet up every few weeks or that for a coffee or beer and it's all very civil,nice to see actually.

LegacyUser

to be honest, i really dont know where my head is at at the mo with my ex. i dont think i can suddenly become chummy if i still love her

DontKnowMuch

Fatboyslick wrote:

to be honest, i really dont know where my head is at at the mo with my ex. i dont think i can suddenly become chummy if i still love her

Same here, mate. I don´t know what to tell her when we meet again. Because I still have feelings for her. I will need a lot of more time until I can accept what happenned. Until then, i want no contact with her, even though she is a nice person. It´s for the best.

LegacyUser

this is really sad grown men crying over women but I have to admit I have been here myself. It gets you right in the heart, it tears you to pieces, it makes you think is life worth living. you remember all the good times, and all the times to fought and made up a day or two later, you ask yourself wherer did I go wrong? how can she be with this other guy? why why why why why?

but there is no answer we are not supposed to find the answer, its feelings its life and that is that. It will no doubt happen again and again to us all. And yes it is shyte but what can one do?

Try your best to get on with it men

LegacyUser

well, i DO want to be her friend still. I'm totally interested in her life and what her brothers upto etc, it's just that by doing it im not letting myself let go of her. It's so painful. Isnt the thought of your ex with another guy the worst feeling ever!!!!at the same time, will remaining friends with her give her opportunity to fall back in love with me. I dont think she was entirely certain about the break so there's the faintest of faint hopes!

LegacyUser

hmm, my reply didnt come through?!?!
well, i want to remain friends but not sure if it's because i love her and want to spend my time with her. i know that by leaving her i will get over her quicker but part of me wants to stay with her cos im in love with her still and would hopefully make her want back with me. i think it's too soon to "just" be friends though

LegacyUser

yes it is all slightly pathetic but also rather funny. you watch shows like sex and the friggin city and its all women woes over men but its them! its bloody women i swear!
why are men RUBBISH at breaking up and handling it. It's cos we have walls and dont show emotions as much but when we do we let it go-really open the floodgates, and then a woman goes and blows it all away leaving us with a flood of emotions
got to meet my beau tomorrow now. i'm really worried i get emotional and get upset

DontKnowMuch

fatboyslick wrote:

hmm, my reply didnt come through?!?!
well, i want to remain friends but not sure if it's because i love her and want to spend my time with her. i know that by leaving her i will get over her quicker but part of me wants to stay with her cos im in love with her still and would hopefully make her want back with me. i think it's too soon to "just" be friends though

Humm....mate, you are puting yourself in a complicated situation. I think that you should maintain contact with her, but not a close friendship. I cant conceive it. Just the thought of my ex with some other guy makes me sick. And I know that if I hang around with her, I will problaby find out things that I just don´t want to know....She knows how much i care for her, and still she decided to leave me. I feel very sad and very angry. Maybe in time I will be able to speak to her again. But in the last two months, all she gave me was HELL....I will never forget the amount of suffering she put me through. And it´s because I continue to love her, that I don´t want to see her in next months. I´ve had enough. She DUMPED me. **** it. :mad:

LegacyUser

i so know what you mean. By not knowing when she goes out or what she gets up to you cant get hurt and allows you to go on with your own life.of course, all you want to do though is share your life with the girl!!!it's so painful and a right pain the backside!
doi holdback with little/no contact and hopeshe begins to missme and want me back,but on the flipside she moves on and meets someone else,or do i try and stick around cos i wantto be part of her life still and never mopve mylife forward and get constantly upset when she goes out and will eventually meet someone

LegacyUser

The first step to recovery is to acknowledge that the relationship is over. Once this has been done, let go of any grievances, try to end on a happy note remebering the good times. If there are any unresolved practical issues deal with them as soon as you can.
Call friends, even ones that you may not have spoken to for a while, you need the support of good friends. Allow yourself to grieve and cry. Friends will be around to help you through this. Don't deny the sadness but realize that it will pass (you know it will!!!).
Once the intial period of mourning is over, distract and indulge yourself. Take walks, eat chocolate, go on a vacation and anything else that makes you feel good.
Go to parties, functions, and do things that you may not have done when you were in the relationship. This helps you to find some positive reason for the breakup.
If you are still unable to recover, or are feeling increasingly depressed consider joining a support group or speak to your doctor.
Get a journal and write in it. Writing is a good way of expressing feeling without having to disclose them. It also helps you to rationalize. Avoid thinking too much about what went wrong until you are further along the road to recovery, it may unnecessarily dent your self- esteem.
Do not make any decisions or do anything that you may later regret. This is a highly emotional state that will pass.
Start dating again when you feel ready, let friends set you up!!
Look forward to what your new life has to offer.

LegacyUser

So, things have happened!
Met up with the ex on friday night to give each others things back and have a chat. We talked about "us" and that she feels like she just does not want a boyfriend at the moment. she's been with people constantly for the last 5years and feels she needs to be independent with noone to fall back on. Well i thought, sod it, ill just show her a good time and show what she's missing.
So we both got drunk and had a fantastic laugh. We went to a club and just had a funny time. At the end of the night we ended up together in bed because i was locked out with nowhere to go! we did nothing...until the next day when lying in bed and having a chat and a laugh again i made the move to kiss her and we made love. we then acted like a couple again but she said it didnt mean we were back together.
so not back together but she said it was more than sex what we just did and that she's confused, she just knows that she feels she needs to be single.
so what do i do next???

LegacyUser

so does noone have any advice or tips?

secret_squirrel

suck it and see...just go with the flow and see how your relationship with the ex evolves. If you can stand just to be fucsk buddies why not?

LegacyUser

stop dragging it out. there is no such thing as friends after a relationship because the relationship was ended by one partner or in some cases both, leaving behind a puddle of hate,insecurity,lonelyness shock and horror! Either half of the former relationship will end up heart broken and the other guilty and remourseful. Eventually it wil come to a point where the heartbroken person will hate their ex, and in some cases his/her ex will make an attempt to reappear on the scene! believe you me if becoming friends is to happen it will happen naturally and with a lot of time

murfie

I have to agree with rustapose on this one, I have been following this thread and others as i was recently dumped But i am starting to hate my ex, even though she was and is the love of my life. I suppose the hate is coming on as she recently told me she has been with other guys, nightclub kissing nothing more, but the thought of this is making me sick to my stomach.

I really wanted to be able to stay friends and have her in my life but the longer it goes the harder its becoming and the worse i feel. Its very hard to know what to do.



Just on a side note i would just like to thank all posters to these types of threads and to the mods for the advice, even though this is my first posting into a thread on this issue, the advice givin really helps. Thanks everyone!! :

jonny68

Feel sorry for you AllMessedUp ive been there,hope it works out for you mate.

LegacyUser

i want to be friends with my ex cos she was/is a great girl, but i wouldnt be able to cope if she got with someone during this time!!
i hope she feels that way too. thats why my situation is an arse. i know she wants to be with me but inside she feels like she wants to be single

DawnMc

I'm doing the whole fcuk buddies thing at the moment and I wish we could have an open relationship and be fcuk buddies. Don't think he feels the same tho and he doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not

Le Rack

fcuk buddies so not a good idea....
friends after relationship, doesn't usually work and when it does it takes a long long time.

LegacyUser

its so hard really it is but time is a healer and anyone who breaks it off for no reason or confusing reasons are not worth it. Let them go their day in hell will come!!!!

LegacyUser

make,or break it ask her to marry you!

LegacyUser

At one point or another almost everyone has experienced a broken heart. Whether it happened in 3rd class or a week before your 80th birthday, most of us can relate to the Celine Dion song “All by Myself” (even though we won't admit it). What's important is to get through this passing phase of your life. “Passing” is a verb I chose because you do get over it.

You definitely know it's time to stop brooding over your broken heart when you start to notice that your friends are ditching you (for some odd reason, analyzing the “break-up hug” for 3 hours a pop seems boring to them), your parents roll their eyes every time you recall a story about your ex, and the pictures of your ex are getting more dog-eared by the day. However, this grieving process is perfectly natural, and everyone has their own way of getting over a broken heart.

LegacyUser

well my ex and i got it on again on saturday. We're not becoming fcuk buddies cos there's more to it than that. she clearly wants me but at the same time is confused because she wants to do a few things in her life (shes only 19) it's really annoying knowing she loves me but feels like she's stuck in a rut with her life (not with me!)

LegacyUser

the fcuk buddie thing will end in tears, trust me.

LegacyUser

well she's off to uni on saturday so what better place to get over your ex and move on. it'll be hard for me seeing as im stuck at home!
we're more than fcuk bud's .there's feelings there and we act like a couple. im just worried she'll move on at uni

LegacyUser

fatboyslick wrote:

well she's off to uni on saturday so what better place to get over your ex and move on. it'll be hard for me seeing as im stuck at home!
we're more than fcuk bud's .there's feelings there and we act like a couple. im just worried she'll move on at uni

I think she might unfortunately. Uni and college is when alot of people spread their wings, but who knows: if its meant to be you'll be together again. How long were you with her?

LegacyUser

was with her for 4 months but it was amazing. like i say, we still see each other like a couple now but her feelings of wanting to be single are holding her back

secret_squirrel

Aww come on now - why are you still posting here? People have given you their opinion - you havent added anything new with your last posts.

All of us including yourself know its going to end in tears. Grow up and put yourself out of your misery and end this with the tiny shred of dignity you have left.

Let her go...if its meant to be she will come back. TBH she's more likely too if you end it like a mature adult with a spine.

Stop navel gazing and get it over with.

LegacyUser

secret_squirrel wrote:

Aww come on now - why are you still posting here? People have given you their opinion - you havent added anything new with your last posts.

All of us including yourself know its going to end in tears. Grow up and put yourself out of your misery and end this with the tiny shred of dignity you have left.

Let her go...if its meant to be she will come back. TBH she's more likely too if you end it like a mature adult with a spine.

Stop navel gazing and get it over with.

That wasnt very nice. Are you going to add something from your own experience?


:phucksake!:

secret_squirrel

alpha5055 wrote:

That wasnt very nice. Are you going to add something from your own experience?

I suggest you read the whole thread instead of just the last page.

@fatboy - seriously there's tons of advice on this thread - plenty to make a decision with and it seems like you have. You are going to settle for being her fukcbuddy until she gets tired and finishs with you.

You may think of yourselves as still a couple - but lets be honest she doesnt- would you take that kind of treatment from someone you had just started building a relationship with?

If she thought you both had a future she would be making an effort - she isnt.

She's using you, you've lost her respect and you're losing your self respect - get out before you get screwed up.

Do you actually have a problem that needs solving now? Doesnt seem so to me you just want a forum to moan about the position you have put yourself in.

jonny68

sean23 wrote:

the fcuk buddie thing will end in tears, trust me.

Think your right there mate,i know only too well myself about it,f*ck me there's some sad stories on this thread,as i said before been there myself so know exactly what people who posted on this thread are going through,it's one thing a relationship ending on good terms but it's even worse when it ends on bad terms and you know your not to blame but you do move on,life is too short to be thinking of what might have been,etc,initially you go through all that s*ite but you soon move on,good luck to everyone who's split lately