so she left me.........

LegacyUser

a week ago my girlfriend of 3 years left me, and although it was very hard to accept i am coming to terms with this, she said that months ago she wasn't happy, and although i often quizzed her on the problem, she stated she didnt know what was wrong. that my friends is singularly the most frustrating thing i have experienced. we were in love but i believe the problem she had with me were that i was a cold person and i didnt like her friends. i do believe she loved me and im very sure she still does, but ever since the breakup the thread of reconcilliation has been left hanging in my face, and although i have reached for it, she says she needs time to see how she feels, she says she is in two minds about retreading the ground covered since our breakup. i too am in two minds, either i wait a few weeks and maybe we get back together or i try and block her altogether and dont answer her phone calls or text messages. i lead a very busy life but almost every ounce of my free time was given to this girl, we loved all the same things almost perfect it was, she was my best friend, my questions are is there any one else out there referred to as being cold? and have they had similiar situations, i spoke to her today and she brought up a old story wherby we were at a party and some drunken relathion of hers told me how lucky i was and any sign of a wedding bells and i really ****ing hate it when people say that, im not good at certtain social interaction, and she held my feelings on this comment against me, and took from it that i didnt think she was amillion dollars. i did. might these be ways of her pushing herself further away?


yours wild at heart.

ADUB?

We dont know your Gf, you are the best one to know what she is thinking.

But my opinion on what I just read.
Is that at 3 years your GF might feel the relationship has hit a crossroad
a) get more serious, as you are the one Blah BLah etc
or b) you are not the one and she wants to find the special guy blah blah

She might have taken the fact you hate all the wedding bell talk as non commitment and thus you are now placed in a) bracket?????
Thats my 2cent on what I read from your post.

jcoote

in my experience commitment is a big deal to women whereas us guys can travel along a relationship aimlessly in perfect happiness...how old are u? maybe she was starting to feel like 'hey this guy is him,he's the one' but u weren't willing to let her in as much as she needed...

its a fine line between being on the right and wrong side of your g/f and i'd say u have one foot on each side...

this is a good thing because it shows u that u need to do or change something to get this goin again...the question is are u willing to make a change and commit to this girl... and if not maybe u can get away from her and keep your free time for u????

ultimatly it has givn u a choice in the matter

po0k

Silly bint.

Just because someone isn't willing to answer such a heavy question as marriage possibilities - especially when the person asking it is using it more as passing conversation - doesn't mean they haven't thought about it or that they don't see it happening. You were put on the spot, and handling that sort of social situation is tough enough without your ex getting in a stereotypical neurotic sit-com/rom-com strop over it.

Pay no heed to this, I'm just passing cynical comment:

It smells like she may be leveraging "the blame" onto your "lack of committment".
As a friend of mine said, "I love you" should never be really be said. Love is demonstrated and felt by action, not by fleeting words.

Fúck her and the little dog too. Move on to better things.

maggz

wild_at_heart wrote:

the problem she had with me were that i was a cold person and i didnt like her friends.

A lot of the time girls tend to have small groups of friends and are a lot more emotionally involved with their friends. If you were cold or didnt make an effort with her friends, I'm sure this would have impacted her a lot. Maybe she felt you made her choose between you and her friends. If this is the case and you think there is a chance between you, this sounds like the place to start. Let her know you will make more of an effort with her mates.

As for ignoring her calls and texts, I wouldnt do this if theres still a chance of making up. Give her the space she needs, and if you need space tell her this instead of ignoring her.

Good luck

LegacyUser

Don't mind Syxpak! It's not easy to let people go and move on to "better things". It's only been a week! Please don't move on so fast! Otherwise, you are saying that your relationship meant nothing to you at all! And it wouldn't be fair on the girl that you move on to either!

I agree with ADUB. After 3 years, I reckon it's just come to the stage of it either going further or splitting up. I wouldn't mind that comment from the drunk relation. Your girlfriend should know she meant a million dollars to you already! She may be just using this episode as an excuse or something...

I agree with Jcoote too. Great positive attitude there... You have choices now and you can see the relationship for what it is... You can either take steps towards resolving something if this is on the cards or else you can spend time with yourself and find out what you really want.

I don't think you should go down the blocking route, as that's a bit mean, especially if she was your best friend. Remain open to communication unless you are very sure that this is not what you want.

Also, you will probably get advice from everyone and all conflicting advice too. Just remember, only you and your girlfriend have the answers!

Good luck with whatever comes your way!

po0k

Why should it be acceptable that she "use this episode as an excuse or something"?

Wild_at_heart: If you really do care for her, sure, don't be hasty, but if things have been in the doldrums for the past few months that may be an indication.

[cue flip-flop..]
I'm assuming you're in the 20-something bracket. If this woman fits you then by all means give it your all, it may become more difficult to find another person to have such a relationship with.

Confront her on why she isn't happy. Do not let her just say "I don't know".
As you said nothing is more frustrating to hear. If she cannot give you a straight answer she may not know where she is in her life and ye might be better getting some distance from each other for a while - both spatially and emotionally. Get out and go hillwalking or cycling at the weekends and evenings or if you can take a week and go to a country, get out in the air and the sun on your own. Clear your head. If she has any sense, she should do something similar.
The other side is that she's a coward and will not tell you the truth as it would/will probably hurt and she doesn't want to have the guilt of it - which is selfish.

Not meaning to be overly negative, but she may have been in a holding pattern for the past few weeks or months until she identifies her next target aquisition. It's a classic situation which is by no means exclusive to either sex.

po0k

maggz wrote:

A lot of the time girls tend to have small groups of friends and are a lot more emotionally involved with their friends. If you were cold or didnt make an effort with her friends, I'm sure this would have impacted her a lot. Maybe she felt you made her choose between you and her friends. If this is the case and you think there is a chance between you, this sounds like the place to start. Let her know you will make more of an effort with her mates.

As for ignoring her calls and texts, I wouldnt do this if theres still a chance of making up. Give her the space she needs, and if you need space tell her this instead of ignoring her.

Good luck

He's not in an intimate relationship with her friends. They should mean sfa if his feelings for her are reciprocated. Gf/Bf relationships and each of their circles of friends may be totally incompatible. Things are not always perfect.
Maybe her friends are a shower of head-wrecking dizzy 'wimmen', who have personalities totally at odds with his own. Maybe his friends are chauvanistic roofie-dropping pigs and she doesn't get on with them. It shouldn't affect their relationship with eachother. And if she is so shallow as to put her friends' feelings and opinions ahead of his after 3 years then (imho) she should be dropped like a hot turd.

Beruthiel

maggz wrote:

A lot of the time girls tend to have small groups of friends and are a lot more emotionally involved with their friends. If you were cold or didnt make an effort with her friends, I'm sure this would have impacted her a lot. Maybe she felt you made her choose between you and her friends. If this is the case and you think there is a chance between you, this sounds like the place to start. Let her know you will make more of an effort with her mates.

I could not disagree more with all of the above

I can only echo what syxpak just said there. I do not insist that my b/f get on with my friends, if he wishes to, well that's fine but I would never, ever expect it. Nor do I feel any need whatsoever to get on with his, some I do and am happy to spend time with, some of them I won't go near and he just has to take that. To expect anything different is childish in the extreem, you are with the person you have decided to be with, that does not include everyone that they know or are related to.
If the OP ex can have the ideas in her head turned so easily then she has quite a lot of growing up to do yet and he should probably leave her to it till she does.

po0k

Yes.

"Immature" was the word on the tips of my fingers from the very first post, but I couldn't master my digits to replicate in text.

Of course, judging this girl/woman from atop our Ivory Towers is all fair and well.

As GirlySpin! said, good luck with it, the path to happiness of the heart, body and mind is beset on all sides by landmines and nailbombs. You may be taking a detour on the way to your destination - in which case this may serve as an extra layer of kevlar - or you could soon see the warm glow of the hearth coming through the windows after getting a wee bit lost in the fog of society's pressures.


Jeebus that's deep.

LegacyUser

SyxPak wrote:

Why should it be acceptable that she "use this episode as an excuse or something"?

Wild_at_heart: If you really do care for her, sure, don't be hasty, but if things have been in the doldrums for the past few months that may be an indication.

[cue flip-flop..]
I'm assuming you're in the 20-something bracket. If this woman fits you then by all means give it your all, it may become more difficult to find another person to have such a relationship with.

Confront her on why she isn't happy. Do not let her just say "I don't know".
As you said nothing is more frustrating to hear. If she cannot give you a straight answer she may not know where she is in her life and ye might be better getting some distance from each other for a while - both spatially and emotionally. Get out and go hillwalking or cycling at the weekends and evenings or if you can take a week and go to a country, get out in the air and the sun on your own. Clear your head. If she has any sense, she should do something similar.
The other side is that she's a coward and will not tell you the truth as it would/will probably hurt and she doesn't want to have the guilt of it - which is selfish.

Not meaning to be overly negative, but she may have been in a holding pattern for the past few weeks or months until she identifies her next target aquisition. It's a classic situation which is by no means exclusive to either sex.

Agreed! She shouldn't be using the drunken relative episode as an excuse. If she was genuinely bothered by it, then fair enough, I guess. Seems kind of a silly thing to get annoyed about, but anyway... Maybe it did bug her... However, after you explain yourself, she should know how you feel about her.

Also, confront her and ask her why she's unhappy and don't accept "I don't know!" as an answer. That's a cop out. Her intentions may be good in the sense, that she doesn't want to hurt you, but you need to know why she's unhappy, so that you can decide if it's something you can fix or if you should move on...

nesf

Beruthiel wrote:

I can only echo what syxpak just said there. I do not insist that my b/f get on with my friends, if he wishes to, well that's fine but I would never, ever expect it.

By not get on do you mean:

Being polite to each other even though they don't get along.

Or actively disliking each other and bitching about one another to you.


One is acceptable in my mind, the other isn't. Yes a partner shouldn't have to get along with all of your friends but they also have to respect that they are your friends.

For me anyways, my friends are quite a large part of my life. I don't think I could go out with someone who actively disliked my closer ones.

po0k

Well if the person you're seeing was openly abusive towards you're friends and yet you were still going out with them, I'd question your motives and where your interests lie in pursuing a relationship with such a person.
Civility costs nothing.

maggz

If all of your friends dont like your partner, at some stage you need to wake up and look at why they dont. Often in relationships you wear rose tinted glasses. I know if all of my friends didnt like my boyfriend I'd wonder why, as my friends are all very welcoming to new people and would make a strong effort to get on with my new boyfriend. I would expect him to make the same effort with them also.

I dont think theres anything immature about it. If one or two of your mates didnt like him, fair enough, its probably just a persobnality clash. But if your friends had a genuine reason not to like him, you need to open your eyes and see why.