Why some people can be so quiet?

LegacyUser

Well I’m one of those people and most of the time its because I can never think of anything to say to someone, especially when theres only one person in the room with u. I hate those situations! Maybe its cos I’m a slow thinker.
I can be sarcastic and funny when I want to be but just wish it came out more often. I love to chat though and enjoy a great conversation but sometimes it takes a while to get one started.

Just what can I do to help these situations?

Tiffany

If it helps, you could write down topics of conversation on your arm next time you know you're going to be in one of those situations.

rick_fantastic

id be the opposite, when im on my own with sum1 i can chat freely without a bother but when im in a large group id rather listen to what people are saying rather than talk out.

it really depends on who u r talking to... when im with complete strangers i find myself talking bout anything so as there is no arkward silences but when im with my mates we could sit there listening to music r watching tv and not talk to each other for hours on end just cos we couldnt be arsed!

its a bit of a funny situation really

Mr.Nice Guy

wrote:

Just what can I do to help these situations?

You seem like a nice enough person and remind me of myself a few years ago so I'll give you some advice...

This is what I try to do when I'm talking to women but it applies to everybody really - Focus on asking questions. A person's favourite topic of conversation is themselves. Ask open-ended questions that require a response and pick up on words in the response that you can use to keep the convo going.

Bad way to converse:

You: So, did you have a good weekend?
Her: Yeah, it was OK. Not bad.
(cue the awkward silence!)

Good way to converse:

You: So, how was your weekend? (notice using how which is open-ended and requires a more detailed response)
Her: It was OK. I went shopping with my sister. (she has given some info for you to use - shopping with her sister)

You can follow up in a number of ways:

- Shopping? Do you like to shop?
- Did you buy anything good?
- Do you go shopping often? Me, I hate it etc...

In this way, you can have a great conversation.

Trust me, you can say very little and focus instead on asking questions about the other person and they will think you're the greatest conversationalist they've heard even though they've mostly been talking about themselves!

It's all about listening you see, not talking. Here's a great quote worth remembering:

"A gossip is one who talks to you about others; a bore is one who talks to you about himself; and a brilliant conversationalist is one who talks to you about yourself."

Hope this has helped.

seamus

I'm pretty quiet in group situations too. Occasionally I may start a conversation if I'm sitting alone with someone I don't know, but more often than not, if we don't have something obviously in common (e.g. we're on a course or something), then I'll wait for them to start it. Mainly because I'm not really interested in smalltalk about other people's lives, and silences don't make me uncomfortable.

What Mr. Nice Guy said re looking/prompting for keywords is good advice.

secret_squirrel

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

Bad way to converse:

You: So, did you have a good weekend?
Her: Yeah, it was OK. Not bad.
(cue the awkward silence!)

Good way to converse:

You: So, how was your weekend? (notice using how which is open-ended and requires a more detailed response)
Her: It was OK. I went shopping with my sister. (she has given some info for you to use - shopping with her sister)

You can follow up in a number of ways:

- Shopping? Do you like to shop?
- Did you buy anything good?
- Do you go shopping often? Me, I hate it etc...

In this way, you can have a great conversation.

Trust me, you can say very little and focus instead on asking questions about the other person and they will think you're the greatest conversationalist they've heard even though they've mostly been talking about themselves!

It's all about listening you see, not talking. Here's a great quote worth remembering:

Brilliant advice - some of the best I've seen on PI. Sales people are also taught to use the same techniques - its also useful in interviews.

Asking open questions is the key to a good conversation.

It can be a bit artificial at first - but once you get in the habit of doing it, its easy. You'll be amazed you ever had a problem.

pickarooney

Mr.Nice Guy wrote:

A person's favourite topic of conversation is themselves.

Bit of a generalisation, I'd rather talk about anything than myself, as would most of my friends.

Good way to converse:

You: So, how was your weekend? (notice using how which is open-ended and requires a more detailed response)
Her: It was OK. I went shopping with my sister. (she has given some info for you to use - shopping with her sister)

You can follow up in a number of ways:

- Shopping? Do you like to shop?
- Did you buy anything good?
- Do you go shopping often? Me, I hate it etc...

In this way, you can have a great conversation.

Talking about something you have no interest in just to artificially stimulate conversation will probably lead to awkwardness on both parts, but you can always use it as a means to deviate onto anything else, provided it's not about you, your ex-girlfriend, sports (depending on the person).
The type of weird/random subjects that come up in After Hours are a fairly safe bet (at least some of them are), as is talking about old TV programs, stupid songs, things that everybody hates etc.

Talking either about things you have in common or things that are different, and in which you have a genuine interest will generally keep a conversation going.

Jonny Arson

wrote:

Well I’m one of those people and most of the time its because I can never think of anything to say to someone, especially when theres only one person in the room with u. I hate those situations! Maybe its cos I’m a slow thinker.
I can be sarcastic and funny when I want to be but just wish it came out more often. I love to chat though and enjoy a great conversation but sometimes it takes a while to get one started.

Just what can I do to help these situations?

I'm the complete opposite. I can talk till' kingdom come when I'm one on one with someone but in groups I'm quiet as a mouse and edgy.

MNG gave a great piece of advice but you also don't want the conversation to be all about the the person who you are with as that can get tedious after a while. Tell things about yourself, make yourself sound interesting aswell if the conversation leads to something you can relate yourself to (such as if you both did something similar at the weekend etc.) Be careful though not to waffle too much about yourself as that will only make people snooze off!

Oryx

Read the red top tabloids - they usually have weird and wonderful (as well as the usual news) stories which make great subjects to laugh about. And being up to date on whats going on in the world never hurts. Dont analyse what you are about to say too much. If you worry about how your being perceived you'll clam up.
Practice chatting about any old thing to people you are easy with first, and youll be surprised how quickly you will get in the habit and it will flow when you are with others. The questioning technique is really good, just dont turn a conversation into an interview

sutty

I'd have to say the same. I am quite, even one on one I am quite. But to be honest, it doesn't bother me that much. When I am drunk I can be chatty depending on the mood I am. But otherwise I quite. To behonest its nothing wrong with you. Its just the way some people are.

Scraggs

great advice mr. nice guy!! i'll be using that in future

Selik

Tiffany wrote:

If it helps, you could write down topics of conversation on your arm next time you know you're going to be in one of those situations.

It could make an interesting talking point too!

Selik

pickarooney wrote:

things that everybody hates etc.

Crazy frog anyone?

LegacyUser

TBH I used to be very quiet in all situations, even around my family I found it hard to open up and express an opinion. I thought for a long time that this was because my family just didn’t listen to me and that my friends found me boring after a while, even though op like you I can be witty, sarcastic funny (though it takes me a while to be like that - i think slow too, i like to have my answer ready before i say it). So I found that I withdrew from situations, I didn’t go out much with my pals so that when I saw them we would have loads to discuss so they wouldn’t have to carry the conversation. This went on for a long time but I edventually had to realise that it I wasn’t trying that hard, that I was taking the easy way out and pushing people away because then I didn’t have to feel bad that I couldn’t talk to them properly. Sometimes you have to look at yourself instead of blaming everybody else.
Of course this does not apply to everyone and some people are just quite shy and open up the more they get to know people. This is just a warning to not waste your life by retreating from those around you and the people who make your life better – people will only be pushed so far and wont always come back.

LegacyUser

TBH I used to be very quiet in all situations, even around my family I found it hard to open up and express an opinion. I thought for a long time that this was because my family just didn’t listen to me and that my friends found me boring after a while, even though op like you I can be witty, sarcastic funny (though it takes me a while to be like that). So I found that I withdrew from situations, I didn’t go out much with my pals so that when I saw them we would have loads to discuss so they wouldn’t have to carry the conversation. This went on for a long time but I edventually had to realise that it I wasn’t trying that hard, that I was taking the easy way out and pushing people away because then I didn’t have to feel bad that I couldn’t talk to them properly. Sometimes you have to look at yourself instead of blaming everybody else.

Of course this does not apply to everyone and some people are just quite shy and open up the more they get to know people. This is just a warning to not waste your life by retreating from those around you and the people who make your life better – people will only be pushed so far and wont always come back.

Oriel

I'm the same, I only really talk when somebody else talks to me first, or if I'm just in the mood to talk, which isn't very often. Being tipsy and being in a good mood always help wanting to talk. Personally, I think it's a combination of the way I was brought up and there's definately some chemical difference in my brain to enable me to be so reserved most of the time - I wish I just had that thing to make me interact more actively.

Tiffany wrote:

If it helps, you could write down topics of conversation on your arm next time you know you're going to be in one of those situations.

I think that is the most bizarre advice I have ever heard on boards.