Are there some people you just can't be friends with?

LegacyUser

Just wondering what people think about this. (I'm 24 by the way, the guy in question is 26 if that helps you read the post in the proper light!)

Basically it's a case where I've been friends with a guy for quite a while and have always had feelings for him. I know the traditional advice is always 'tell him or you'll regret it, what do you have to lose etc' which I usually would advocate. But the fact remains that this is easier said than done. For various reasons (fear of looking like an idiot being the main one) I've never said anything to him to let him know I liked him. And i just can't, it's not an option. That's not really why I'm posting. (Oh, and it's not that he's gay or spoken for, coz he isn't!)

However, I've found that because I've liked him and because he doesn't seem to have any feelings for me (not as far as I can see) I've often become irritated by the way he's treated me, eg, not taking me seriously when I'm trying to be serious, not making much of an effort when it comes to checking am I ok etc etc. So as a result, I've found myself getting annoyed by this, and letting him know that I'm annoyed, and thus we've had a lot of bad arguments.

The thing is, when we get on, we get on great and have a really good friendship which is kinda different to my other friendships which are more normal and more grounded (and, to be honest, a little more safe and boring!) but when we're not getting on, we really don't get on (and this happens far more than in my other friendships). Basically, it's as if what's good about my relationship with him is also what's bad about it, if that makes any sense at all. We get on really well but don't get on at all at the same time. Christ I sound like a loony but that's the best way to describe it.

It's gotten to the stage where I realise that without telling him how I feel, I just can't be friends with him because I'm expecting a level of interest from him that he isn't naturally prepared to give (through no fault of his own).

Quite simply, the fact that I get annoyed with him is due to my having strong feelings for him and wanting something more from him, and is not necessarily because he's being sufficiently obnoxious. If I didn't have feelign for him, hsi behavious wouldn't be such a big deal. Now I think I've driven him away, but to be honest, I've resigned myself to the fact that it simply can't be as it stands. It's not good for my sanity, and perhaps we just can't be 'just friends' anymore. So we have to be nothing at all.


Maybe some day I'll tell him - as it is, he just thinks I'm a bit of a schizo cow! When I'm not that way with anyone else.

Has anyone ever had this experience? Do you agree that sometimes it can only be one extreme or the other with certain people and that a friendship is just really impossible to sustain?


Just curious.
Thanks,
P

Prior Of Taize

if you do nothing you will eventually lose your friendship

if you say it he will either respond with yes or no...if no then you will most likely resent him and eventually end the friendship.

the only option with a good chance of happiness is saying it to him. so go for it

Sleepy

You're already at the point where you may lose his friendship anyway so what's the harm in telling him how you feel? Or pointing him at this thread?

Prior Of Taize

im not sure whether or not your serious about the second point in your post Sleepy but if your borderline goingto/not going to tell him then dont f*cking point him at an online thread!!!

Stabshauptmann

Found out a friend of mine (well actually a friend of my brothers gf but whom Id see alot) liked me. I was flattered, not interested, and Ive never given it a second thought.
Actually I was happier once she knew I wasnt interested cos I had sensed something but was too polite to say anything

Nevyn

Sounds like your current relationship wth him is stormy to say the least.
Could be that any gf/bf relationship will be stormy/passionate as well,
it will either be awful or you will still row but have awesome make up sex.

Jivin Turkey

As a bloke of similar age, I personally wouldnt bother being particularly friendly with a girl who I had the pleasure with fighting with from time to time. Blokes are not like that, its just not worth the effort ; )

Lads want simple friendships, not complicated ones where you have to worry what the other person is thinking/what you are doing/what you are not doing/that you didnt ask how they were today etc etc.

IMO him fighting with you would seem to me that he also wants something more, it wouldnt be worth the effort he is putting in "to just be friends".

Give it a lash, a lot of the girls that Ive had arguments/slagging matches with on occassions Ive also had something for that I could never quite put my finger on, but then again what would I know

Laguna

Wondering.. wrote:

However, I've found that because I've liked him and because he doesn't seem to have any feelings for me (not as far as I can see) I've often become irritated by the way he's treated me, eg, not taking me seriously when I'm trying to be serious, not making much of an effort when it comes to checking am I ok etc etc.

I am Jack's total lack of surprise. The age old adage of girls being interested in the guy who has no interest. Is that the sole reason you like him? Because he's another one of those types who doesn't make "much of an effort when it comes to checking am I ok", jesus what a gent.

Victor

Do he know you actually want a relationship or are you just there X years later expecting him to "know"?

If you are interested tell him. Theres not use in getting frustrated and angry with him if he doesn't know why.

Talliesin

For some bizarre and twisted reason I'm thinking about this as a non-zero-sum game.

If you don't tell him how you feel:

If he has similar feelings for you: Nothing happens between you, and due to the way things are going the friendship possibly dissolves anyway. Lose-lose.

He would be open to at least dating and seeing how it goes: Nothing happens between you, and due to the way things are going the friendship possibly dissolves anyway. Lose-lose.

If he has no such feelings for you, but won't freak out or be uncomfortable: Nothing happens between you, and due to the way things are going the friendship possibly dissolves anyway. Lose-lose.

If he would freak out if you told him how he felt: Nothing happens between you, and due to the way things are going the friendship possibly dissolves anyway. Lose-lose.

If you do tell him how you feel:

If he has similar feelings for you: You become an item. Maybe it works out and maybe it doesn't, because that's the deal with any couple, but at least you've got a chance and for the time being it's good. Win-win.

He would be open to at least dating and seeing how it goes: You date, and at least there's a chance of things going further. Moderate win - draw.

If he has no such feelings for you, but won't freak out or be uncomfortable: The air is cleared, you both know where you stand and the friendship has a better chance of continuing. Small win - small win.

If he would freak out if you told him how he felt: He freaks out. Lose-lose, though he may calm down a bit later and turn this to one of the other outcomes.

Therefore you should tell him how you feel.

Yes, there is something very wrong about applying games theory to these things. If I start drawing diagrams on university library windows someone please sedate me.

tonyinuae

Talliesin, do you apply this type of reasoning to every problem you encounter? I'm amazed - it takes a lot of thinking through, but you may well be onto something! )

Talliesin

Not normally no, or at least not quite as conciously, but I arrived at the same answer I would have given anyway.

LegacyUser

Thanks for the replies!

It's a bit of a headmelter indeeeed. Not thinking about it at the moment, too much on. I think I'll just let it sit for a while and see how things go.

I have a funny feeling that I must be the only one who's reacted like this to this type of situation... eek!

isolde

Wondering.. wrote:

Has anyone ever had this experience? Do you agree that sometimes it can only be one extreme or the other with certain people and that a friendship is just really impossible to sustain?

Yes, I agree. I think that there are some people you just can't be friends with. And he is one of them.

I don't think you can be friends with someone when the equation involves unrequited love. I don't know if you can walk away from this; I doubt you can, but I think one day you will have to. I am in a similar situation but there is a third party involved, and circumstances mean that a relationship between us just can't work. It's really hard to walk away from someone like that.. in my case he is probably my best friend, and I really really don't want to lose that. But I think it's all or nothing in the end, and distance is the key.

But I sympathise with the general "expecting more from him" thing. It hurts when you don't get that. I remember seeing my friend get badly hurt by his ex-girlfriend. A mutual friend of ours turned around to me one day, and said something along the lines of "it must hurt like hell to see the man you love being treated like **** by her, and then running to you for a shoulder to cry on, knowing you would never hurt him like that". I had never told her, or anyone, never even admitted to myself really, that I had proper feelings for him. I was in a relationship; the timing was wrong. But obviously my face said it all.

Maybe one day he will realise what he could have had (you), and what he has lost, and maybe one day it can be rectified. Or maybe it's just destined to be the greatest romance that never was. It's strange that a non-relationship can cause you such heartache. But it's like breaking up with someone in ways. It takes time to let go, and it will take time to get over him.