Bar room humour

Kweiggie

A blind man walks into a bar, grabs his dog
and starts swinging him around.
The bartender says, "Hey buddy, what are you doing"?
The blind guy says, "Don't mind me I am just looking around".
________________________________________________________

A man walks into a bar with three little ducks and sits each of them on a stool, he looks up at the bartender and says, “Could you mind my ducks while I go use the phone?” The bartender is puzzled, but he doesn't see a problem and agrees to look after the three little ducks.

When the owner of the ducks leaves, the bartender says to the first duck “What's your name?” The duck says, ''My name is Huey.'' And the bartender, an affable fellow, especially around ducks, says, “Hello Huey, how has your day been?” “My day's been great,” answers the duck, “I've been slipping in and out of puddles all day.”

Satisfied, the bartender moves to the next duck and asks the same questions. The second duck replies, “My name is Dewey and I've had a great day; I've been slipping in and out of puddles all day.” The bartender says, ''That sounds nice.''

With this the bartender moved to the third duck and thinks to himself about the first ducks' responses, then says to the third duck, “Don't tell me -- your name's Louie and you've been slipping in and out of puddles all day too.” To which the duck replies, “No. My name's Puddles, and I've had a **** of a day.”
______________________________________________________

A man is driving with wife, when he is pulled over by a policeman.
"Sir," says the cop. "You were going 60 in a 50."

"No, I wasn't."

"Yes, you were," says the wife.

"Keep quiet!" says the man, angrily.

"And you weren't wearing a seatbelt," says the cop.

"Yes I was."

"No, you weren't," says the wife.

"SHUT UP!" says the man, really angry.

"Ma'am," asks the cop, "is he always the rude and violent?"

"Only when he's DRUNK."
_______________________________________________________

A drunk is driving through the city and his car is weaving violently all over the road. A cop pulls him over and asks, “Where have you been?”

“I've been to the pub,” slurs the drunk.

“Well,” says the cop, “it looks like you've had quite a few.”

“I did alright,” the drunk says with a smile.

“Did you know,” says the cop, standing straight and folding his arms, “that a few intersections back, your wife fell out of your car?”

“Oh, thank heavens,” sighs the drunk. “For a minute there, I thought I'd gone deaf.”
_________________________________________________________

Late one Friday in Dublin, a policeman spotted a man driving very erratically. He pulled the man over and asked him if he had been drinking that evening.

''Aye, so I have. 'Tis Friday, you know, so me and the lads stopped by the pub where I had six or seven pints. And then there was something called 'Happy Hour' and they served these mar-gar-itos which are quite good. I had four or five o' those. Then I had to drive me friend Mike home and o' course I had to go in for a couple of Guinness -- couldn't be rude, ye know. Then I stopped on the way home to get another bottle for later...'' And the man fumbled around in his coat until he located his bottle of whiskey, which he held up for inspection. The officer sighed, and said, ''Sir, I'm afraid I'll need you to step out of the car and take a breathalyzer test.''

''Why? Don't ye believe me?''
___________________________________________________________

Sister Mary Katherine lived in a convent, a block away from Jack's liquor store. One day, in walked Sister Mary Katherine and she said, "Oh Jack, give me a pint o' the brandy."

"Sister Mary Katherine," exclaimed Jack, "I could never do that! I've never sold alcohol to a nun in my life!"

"Oh Jack," she responded, "it's only for the Mother Superior." Her voice dropped. "It helps her constipation, you know."

So, Jack sold her the brandy. Later that night Jack closed the store and walked home. As he passed the convent, who should he see but Sister Mary Katherine; and she was snookered. She was singing and dancing, whirling around and flapping her arms like a bird, right there on the sidewalk. A crowd was gathering, so Jack pushed through and exclaimed, "Sister Mary Katherine! For shame! You told me this was for the Mother Superior's constipation!"

Sister Mary Katherine didn't miss a beat as she replied: "And so it is, me lad, so it is. When she sees me, she's going to s*it!"
___________________________________________________

if ye got more post em up