Agoraphobia

Eolyn

Defined as:Anxiety about being in places from which escape might be difficult (or embarrassing) or in which help may not be available in the event of having an unexpected or situationally predisposed Panic Attack or panic-like symptoms. Agoraphobic fears typically involve characteristic clusters of situations that include being outside the home alone; being in a crowd or standing in a line; being on a bridge; and traveling in a bus, train, or automobile.

that out of the way lets move on cos this isnt about that really. My boyfriend has it. Fine, end off. But i dont know what to do about the fact i dont get to see him often. I didnt see him all summer coz of buses and stuff. I had to travel to meet him. It really hard for me. We fight alot coz i cant help the fact that I feel he should make that effort. How do i make someone do something they cant? How do i stop myself expecting it? I really love him. So much. I cant leave him. But how do i make this better.

Im new but id still like your opinion.

optiplexgx270

More a mental illness than a medical one i would think. Maybe you should talk to his parents about it casually? They might be able to give you more info. Might be hard to approach them but cant hurt really.

Eolyn

Iv not met his parents yet and he would never forgive me for going behind his back.

Chucky the tree

if he knows you wont do anything drastic to change him, he wont bother himslef. Tell him you will have to consider your relationship if he doesnt do something about it.

jimmidy_cricket

Is he agraphobic or Lazy?? Agraphobia is a severe mental ilness that when it affects people they can't leave their home they feel that paralysed by anxiety. He may very well have it but I kinda doubt it slightly, although it does affect lads more between the ages of I think its 17-25 or 18-30 but in or around that. Anyhow is it a case of he just donesn't want to go out cause its easier for you to go see him or what? Next time you go see him suggest you go do something together, like a picnic (coz it'll take his mind off the anxiety) but don't make too big a deal cause that'll over whelm him. How'd you meet him in the first place? Beacause he could just have a case of hypocondria, whereby sufferers develop a sickness because they think they have it. Talk to his folks...fock him if he goes balistic, you need to know wha the craic is with him!! Anyway why would he go balistic over you being genuinely concerend for his health...unless its not as serious as you think or worse still he's faking and by talking to his folks his games up?

Eolyn

Ok i say he has Agoraphobia because of what happens when we go places. Like we went to Oxegen..the day we got there he needed to go home. I wouldnt let him. It was like that the whole time.
He would go balistic about trust! He wont go to the doctor coz he doesnt believe in drugs or something.
For some reason somehow he can turn my worry for him into something stupid.
I doubt its just that he is lazy. He's not like that. He's a genuine kind of guy. Real honest. We have decided that when i move down we will move in together.

He's got me so confused.

Santa Claus

I used to suffer quite badly from this and indeed a relationship ended because of it.
It is something that can be worked on, mainly through behavioural theraphy (involving de-sensitising yourself to the situations GRADUALLY!)

Feel free to PM me if you've any questions on it !

Eolyn

Is it wrong of me to get angry at him for not seeing me? Am i being selfish. Id understand if he just tried to make an effort but i dont know if he is.

He says he misses me, and that its killing him to be without me for so long. He buys me credit to txt him and ring him nearly every second day coz he cant see me.

I cant help feeling unwanted in a certain way or that he isnt serious about me enough when i know he loves me.

crazy angel

your not being selfish because it must be extremely hard and frustrating for you.
he can get help for this, im sure he doesnt like being this way, talk to him about it and let him know how difficult it is for you.

Victor

Eolyn wrote:

We fight alot coz i cant help the fact that I feel he should make that effort.

An effort to travel or an effort to correct his condition?

Replace his Agoraphobia with being stuck in a wheelchair. Do you still expect him to travel? He's ill. He needs a helping hand not resentment.

Eolyn

an effort to correct his condition coz he's not. Iv tried to help him but all i get is "no i cant." or "just leave it"
When he gets all panicky i help him get through it but its when he is faced with something and im not there he doesnt try.

He says things like "ill wait for you forever." and"even if we cant be with each other i still want us to be together". Of course he would and he could do it cos he CANT be with me. he'd rather that then get help.

I cant have the basic equivilant of an internet romance with someone i love and need to be with.

That said I love him so much and this worries me. I cant leave him.

pickarooney

Eolyn wrote:

Ok i say he has Agoraphobia because of what happens when we go places. Like we went to Oxegen..the day we got there he needed to go home. I wouldnt let him.

That sounds very dodgy. Are you saying the guy was suffering from an extreme panic attack and you forced him to stay in that situation because of some concert? It doesn't sound like the actions of someone who loves him, or who actually believes he has the condition.

Eolyn

One. I do love him. It was the first time id seen him in two months! No way was i gonna just let him go!

Two. maybe your right. Maybe i dont believe he has the condition. I want him to have it on some level coz then its not just him feeling im not worth it. I am so paranoid that its me. But if he doesnt then why would he do that?

three. I forced him coz he had to face the fact that he cant run away from every thing for the rest of his life. Harsh maybe.

pickarooney

Not just harsh, but possibly very ill-advised. Do you have any phobias? Would you think it was fair of some to, say, push your head into a bucket of spiders?
You need to sort out pretty quickly whether or not you believe him, whether by asking his friends or family or just asking him direct questions related to the matter.
If you don't know for sure that he's not taking the piss, you're just going to get more and more paranoid.

Not knowing either of you it's very hard to know, but there is a distinct possibility that he's just very non-committal and sees that he has a good thing with a girlfriend willing to traipse around the country to see him and a convenient excuse not to bother doing anything for you.

dramaqueen

I doubt very much that he would be able to go to Oxegen if he actually has agorophobia.
If you want this to get better then you have to take control of the situation.
You need to sit him down and tell him that things can't go on like this, that you love him but you have to do something or you're walking. Give him options. Do some research, suggest going to therapy together. Tell him you both need to speak to his parents etc
I understand that he is terrified of a lot of things, but that is no excuse for not trying. Make a list of things to try and ask him to do it for you.
If he isn't prepared to try, then you seriously need to start putting yourself first.
Afterall, that's what he is doing!
I wouldn't advise moving in with him though. If he is making this little effort while your far away, can you imagine how little he will try when he doesn't have to.

Talliesin

Eolyn wrote:

Is it wrong of me to get angry at him for not seeing me? Am i being selfish.

It's not wrong. It's not his fault, but it's not your fault you get upset and angry either.

Eolyn wrote:

Id understand if he just tried to make an effort but i dont know if he is.

The idea of dealing with agoraphobia can be frightening to agoraphobics in itself - remember the very concept of dealing with it, by whatever means, entails doing something that terrifies him.

FranknFurter

Its a horrible situation.
Can I recommend you look at www.noahgrey.com and read some of the early journal entries to just get an idea of somthing that may be similiar to what your boyfriend may be going through.

The fact that he has gone these places with you in the first place, may mean he *IS* making a huge effort, dont forget to think about that.

Then also, talk, talk, talk, to him about it, let *HIM* explain how it effects him, then you will be better informed and can tell him how it effects *you* and take it from there.

b

Talliesin

dramaqueen wrote:

I doubt very much that he would be able to go to Oxegen if he actually has agorophobia.

Why?
Not easy sure, but not all agoraphobics are incapable of going further than their front door.

LegacyUser

Having suffered from similiar symptoms myself a few years ago, i can well understand both your concern and that of your boyfriends. The symptoms can be treated in a number of ways but its the source that needs tackling, really with therapy at this stage.

cant really say to much on it other than your boyfriend needs to realise that he has to begin to start helping himself on this matter, by wanting to resolve any issues, by going to therapy. It doesnt mean he is mental, just emotionally there may be hidden issues that are not/have not been resolved and by avoiding them, he will only continue to get worse.

Understandably you love him and want to remain with him, but please be cautious in your handling of your boyfriend, in that he may become dependant on you for support even when therapy is used.I only say it for your own well being as well - dependancy and love are two different areas that can be confused.

hope this may point you both in the right direction


anon

dramaqueen

Talliesin wrote:

Why?
Not easy sure, but not all agoraphobics are incapable of going further than their front door.

Fair point but my suggestion is that he is not as bad as she thinks.
Maybe in the early stages of it, or maybe it's not agorophobia but something else.
That's why I think she should go to therapy with him.

Eolyn

Id do anything with him. Therapy is what i want for him. He is abit of a control freak in the fact that he needs to be in control of every situation(not me). Addmiting something was wrong was like the hardest thing.

Getting help would be...way harder. Its easier for him to pretend nothing is wrong. He's said it himself...taking the easy road.

Lets just say its not agoraphobia. And i really think it is...then what?

Number6

As a long time sufferer from this condition, all I can say is that he should at least talk to a psychiatrist.

I was diagnosed when in hospital with pnumonia. Sometimes I couldn't even leave the house it was that bad. I avoid social situations, or if I go out I always leave early. I avoid going into the college canteen, instead I get a sandwich in the quiet coffee shop and eat it while surfing the net on my laptop simply because I am "afraid" to be seen eating. I avoid walking past a load of people that hang out in the coffee place on the main concourse, instead I take the long way around and go through the micro-bio deptartment (that place smells like lung infection).

He might be having panic attacks during these times - such as oxygen - which are really frightening and disturbing for a young man to go through.

He should at least talk to a doctor, men are very apprehensive about going to the doctor, for what I assume to be seen as weak.

He might be put on a low dosage of an anti-anxiety medication, such as Lustral (which is also an anti depressant as the two conditions are often interlinked) or a short term solution such as Xanax or Valium (taken as required).

Eolyn

I showed him this thread. At first it seemed to help. He started talking. Then..he said no one could help him. not me, or his mum or anyone. I said they could he just didnt want to ask.

He then gave out to me. Not really gave out like yelling...just said "you say you try help me..like at oxegen??you didnt!"

Im not perfect. I didnt know he would be like that. It hurts to know that I let him down when he needed me. And i really did. I couldnt talk to him after that.

Matthewthebig

he just needs to get out more

Eolyn

Matthewthebig wrote:

he just needs to get out more

Hmm....that was helpful :cool: