Explaining SI scars?

LegacyUser · 31-08-2005 1:17am #1

How exactly do you explain away scars that are quite obviously the result of self-injury? Tell the truth or come up with some crazy excuse and hope someone (read: a guy) will buy it and drop the subject?

I used to cut quite a bit but any scars left by that have faded, it's just ones left from a bit of a bad patch earlier this year that I'm worried about. I don't think of myself as 'a cutter' or anything and I'd probably dismiss it as not a big deal.

If you knew/liked someone, and then saw scars like that (bearing in mind that they'd normally dress to hide them and that it's not like they're on show to the whole world) would you freak out about it? Think they weren't worth the hassle? (Got a hint of that from another thread here on a related topic...) Try getting them 'help' even though they say it's all fine?

Basically, is this the sort of thing that could seriously screw something up? Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated...

Victor · 31-08-2005 9:42am

miss anon wrote:

How exactly do you explain away scars that are quite obviously the result of self-injury? Tell the truth or come up with some crazy excuse and hope someone (read: a guy) will buy it and drop the subject?

I thing if you want a meaningful relationship, that yes, you would need to tell the truth. Sometimes, people can be very accepting of the truth.

I used to cut quite a bit but any scars left by that have faded, it's just ones left from a bit of a bad patch earlier this year that I'm worried about. I don't think of myself as 'a cutter' or anything and I'd probably dismiss it as not a big deal.

Is there a little bit of denial there if you have been doing in in the last 8 months?

If you knew/liked someone, and then saw scars like that (bearing in mind that they'd normally dress to hide them and that it's not like they're on show to the whole world) would you freak out about it?

No necessarily "freak out", but it would make someone think. However, I can have a strong personal, physical reaction to bodily-invasive activities (syringes, surgery, anasthetics).

Think they weren't worth the hassle?

You might be unnecessarily negative in this. A woman I was seeing two years ago had the habit of getting drunk and doing things she later regretted (part of me wonders was I one of those things). I decided that while I did like her and while I couldn't quite "change her", I wasn't going to tolerate compromising behavior. In the end (well after 6? dates) she ended it and refused to talk to me. I don't know whether that was her or the drink though.

Basically, is this the sort of thing that could seriously screw something up?

A relationship is either going to happen or not, there is nothing you can change other than your outlook.

Talliesin · 31-08-2005 10:15am

With most people it's none of their business. With someone that's possibly going to become very important in your life, you should tell them.

Nightwish · 31-08-2005 12:02pm

I only explained mine to my BF and 1 very close friend. Nobody else has asked but I have seen people stare at them, but I dont care what they think. Its none of their business

pclancy · 31-08-2005 12:07pm

Its not your scars people you care about should be looking at, its you and the person inside you. Tell the truth! If they cant handle it, they're not worth your time and you should find someone who deserves you. If you make excuses or lie, eventually it'll come back to you.

I would personally say f**k what other people think but if it really bothers you and they ask just say it was an operation or small surgery to get rid of birth mark etc. Just dont lie or give an excuse to someone you like or care about.

nobodythere · 31-08-2005 3:13pm

Yes, tell him the truth. I went through a stupid little period of that and while I find that some people don't understand (I haven't told anyone about any subsequent incidents) and think it's for attention, you should tell him the truth. And maybe explain the emotional relief that it brings (or whatever it is that you get out of it). I have no problem in saying it to people if they ask because it's all in the past for me, and the past doesn't exist in anywhere but the mind.

Vangelis · 31-08-2005 3:51pm

If your guy is understanding and adores you, he will understand and feel compassion for you. And stay with you! If he is frightened that is probably because he hasn't seen it before, but he can get used to it and learn to understand what made you do it. I'm sure he would appreciate your honesty. Committed relationships depend on that. Be brave and tell him!

dodgy1 · 31-08-2005 5:40pm

hi miss anon,
its true to say that there is a lot of ignorance in society to this issue (among many others). You may come across guys (and girls) who will simply not understand why anyone would do this, however if you think THEY are 'worth the hassle' then it'll be worth it if you attempt to explain the truth as best you can. Of course it is totally your perogative to tell or not tell whoever the hell you want...people sometimes forget that they have control over their own actions in this respect, regardless of external pressure from others.

i was the guy being told once, i understood her reasons, and after that all i wanted to do was help and make her feel better and encourage her not to cut. no matter how naive i was, at least i was there if i was needed, in the end thats all a partner can do.

dogg_r_69 · 31-08-2005 9:08pm

Vangelis wrote:

If your guy is understanding and adores you, he will understand and feel compassion for you. And stay with you! If he is frightened that is probably because he hasn't seen it before, but he can get used to it and learn to understand what made you do it. I'm sure he would appreciate your honesty. Committed relationships depend on that. Be brave and tell him!

That's true but be carefull at the same time When I was living in Germany One of the lads there with me met a girl there When she showed him he got an awful fright He didn't handle it the best Ended up basically running out of the house. Saying that they hadn't known each outher long and it wasn't very serious So maybe if he really acres for you he might act a bit different to the friend

LegacyUser · 31-08-2005 9:48pm

miss anon wrote:

How exactly do you explain away scars that are quite obviously the result of self-injury? Tell the truth or come up with some crazy excuse and hope someone (read: a guy) will buy it and drop the subject?

I used to cut quite a bit but any scars left by that have faded, it's just ones left from a bit of a bad patch earlier this year that I'm worried about. I don't think of myself as 'a cutter' or anything and I'd probably dismiss it as not a big deal.

If you knew/liked someone, and then saw scars like that (bearing in mind that they'd normally dress to hide them and that it's not like they're on show to the whole world) would you freak out about it? Think they weren't worth the hassle? (Got a hint of that from another thread here on a related topic...) Try getting them 'help' even though they say it's all fine?

Basically, is this the sort of thing that could seriously screw something up? Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated...

Say you're a cat owner. I've never met anyone who's owned a cat and hasn't had scratches on their arms at some point.

StandnDeliver · 31-08-2005 9:59pm

someone i know did it said she was cut with barbwire i believed it too.but honesty is always the best option

peterk19 · 31-08-2005 10:09pm

Personally i'd be honest about it if its someone you plan on building a relationship with and if they dont understand then they are not worth it but if they do thern your both off to a good start. But if its just someone thats exiting your life as fast as they entered then it doesnt matter what you tell them as they wont be around long enough for it to matter.
Pete

simu · 01-09-2005 1:44am

Tell them! Personally, I wouldn't care as long as I thought the person was getting treated/had recovered. SI isn't all that unusual tbh.

jill_valentine · 01-09-2005 2:20am

Explain it if and when they notice, so that it's clear that it was never about attention. If it's over now, you can have a chuckle about a phase of SI you went through and dealt with. If it's not over, that's a different issue. if I know a number of people with SI scars, fairly prominent ones, and it hasn't freaked out anybody. To be honest, as silly as it sounds, post-Secretary, I think people tend to be a little less spooked about it.

sceptre · 01-09-2005 2:48am

For years I had a big series (about ten of them, each three to four inches long) of almost parallel scars on my upper right thigh. Happened when I was eight when I fell into some rose bushes at home. I'm thirty now and two of them are still visible at a close look, 22 years later. No stitches, nothing odd, those darned rose thorns can be nastier than you'd think. If they were on my arms (they'd probably be far more visible there too) you'd think even now that I'd been cutting myself.

If you feel the need for a cover story (and with people whose business it isn't I can't see any reason why not should it arise) there are many plausible reasons why you'd have such scars present. As for who to tell I reckon Talliesin got it to a t.

Personally I'd be a little more concerned than you are given that you needed to do it this calendar year though. Then again I suppose that's a distinct issue that you didn't ask about.

daviddooner · 01-09-2005 3:21pm

Before you consider whether to tell someone about your scars or not, the most important thing is to ask yourself why you did it in the first place and have you dealt with it properly and professionally? The reason people hurt themselves is because of some unresolved psychological issue. My guess (and this is only a guess from what you said) is that if you are worried about what people are going to think about you as a person because of these scars then this is not something you have dealt with.

With regards telling people about them, the scars are a part of your life which is private and personal to you and you should not feel under any pressure to explain where they came from. Everyone has scars but most are emotional scars and so are not externally evident. That does not mean that they must tell people about these scars and they can choose to do so whenever they feel it is most appropriate. Why don't you just say they were the result of an accident? You are not lying and you don't have to go into any more detail. If you come to a stage in a relationship where you feel it is important to talk about your past, then do so. But until then just enjoy yourself and don't dwell on it too much because someone who is more concerned about your scars than your personality is not worth wasting your time over.

Mr Snrub · 01-09-2005 4:00pm

I went out with a girl for a while who cut herself - although it hurt me alot to know that she did it, it was a lot better than if she had lied to me about, because at least I knew she could talk to me.

Tell him over a proper conversation, ideally not in public, and as other people have said, if he runs away, he's not worth it by a long shot.

Know though that it can hurt the person you're going out with to see you hurt yourself.

Vangelis · 01-09-2005 5:54pm

I'd love to hear how miss anon is doing. Hope she will come back to tell us of her decision and the outcome of it.

It be horrible if the guy ran out of the house, but at least that would say a lot about what kind of guy he is. She will know if he handles it like a real, mature man.

Nightwish · 01-09-2005 6:01pm

I didnt tell my BF for 2 months, I just kept the scars well hidden. However when I did, he was so loving so understanding and so caring. So miss anon, dont be afraid

masteroftherealm · 01-09-2005 6:14pm

I explained it to my girlfriend once i felt I knew her long enough to trust her. Its not something Id mention strasight away but in a relationship it will come up eventually. It was quite a good experience to tell someone acutally.

Tar.Aldarion · 01-09-2005 6:30pm

2 months! im sure he would notice in that time..

i am really selfconscious about little scars on my back etc but i would always tell people even if i had ever SI'ed.if they care,you dont really want to know that person tbh.

If you knew/liked someone, and then saw scars like that (bearing in mind that they'd normally dress to hide them and that it's not like they're on show to the whole world) would you freak out about it? Think they weren't worth the hassle?

no,its the person that counts.i would just ask her about them cos i would be interested and all that.scars give character

i think you should tell the truth if you like them and have a little chat about how you used to or still do feel.Depression is quite common.

Nightwish · 01-09-2005 6:34pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

2 months! im sure he would notice in that time..

I was going out with him 4 and a half years at the time and he was overseas in college while I was back here. Cos I never saw him, he didnt know. I had begun self harming again 2 months prior before I told him cos I was ashamed

Tar.Aldarion · 01-09-2005 6:48pm

No reason to be ashamed...meh i suppose thats hard to tell people-don't be ashamed.it's like telling me to stop being shy or whatever..
i know next to nothing about SI scars because i would never do it,i dont really see the appeal even when mightily depressed.i assume they are not too serious cuts or people would notice?

masteroftherealm · 01-09-2005 6:50pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

.i assume they are not too serious cuts or people would notice?

Trusht me youd be suprised how well something can be hiden.

Nightwish · 01-09-2005 7:02pm

Tar.Aldarion wrote:

No reason to be ashamed...meh i suppose thats hard to tell people-don't be ashamed.it's like telling me to stop being shy or whatever..
i know next to nothing about SI scars because i would never do it,i dont really see the appeal even when mightily depressed.i assume they are not too serious cuts or people would notice?

I'm not ashamed of them now. They are fading a lot anyway. Some cuts are very serious-esp if you cut too deep. Some of mine were minor, some were serious and they took a very long time to heal. But if someone does it regularly, they learn to hide them well

Tar.Aldarion · 01-09-2005 7:09pm

well i would choose it over smoking or something as an addiction tbh.
i hope if somebody i know does or has done it i would find out,a lot of people i know are very depressed but i didn't think they did that but i dont know how well peopel can hide them.i guess it depends on where you cut and how deep etc..

sceptre · 02-09-2005 1:42am

LilMsMelodrama wrote:

OT: I would invite anyone who had the interest to read this thread to read this SI FAQ. It's the most factually informative I've found.

Thanks, that was interesting. Given that I know nothing of self-injury and don't know anyone who's ever mentioned that they've done it I've been curious as to why people feel the need to do it and your link's been an informative start. Basically you've saved me asking the off-topic "why?" question in a few pages.

hacktavist · 02-09-2005 4:01pm

Going near a girl with SI scars is just asking for trouble really!

Nevyn · 02-09-2005 5:13pm

scars would imply that they and she would be healed.
Everyone has a past and bagage at least those type of scars can been
seen unike some of the seriously messed up mental and emotional ones that some people with out physical scars can have.

masteroftherealm · 02-09-2005 5:39pm

hacktavist wrote:

Going near a girl with SI scars is just asking for trouble really!

What makes her different from anyone else??

Talliesin · 02-09-2005 5:53pm

hacktavist wrote:

Going near a girl with SI scars is just asking for trouble really!

I'd be more suspicious of someone who'd managed to get through life without any sort of scars (whether physical or otherwise) tbh.

Boston · 02-09-2005 5:55pm

We all have scares, your jsut happen to be on the outside. If your serious about beign with this guy, which i persume you are, or what he thinks wouldn't be important. You should discuss them, liek you would anything else.

Tar.Aldarion · 02-09-2005 5:56pm

scars in life build character imo.i dont want to know a person with a boring personality and little problems in their head

arbeitsscheuer · 02-09-2005 9:16pm

I have SI scars on my arms, and it's never really hindered my interaction wit other ppl, of whatever gender.

TBH, ya gotta give ppl more credit. Most ppl won't be bothered by it, at most will be interested but not insensitive. And those that are bothered by it or offended by it or demand that you seek IMMEDIATE HELP ( :rolleyes: ) frankly ain't worth your time darlin.

Good luck.

Boston · 02-09-2005 9:26pm

SebtheBum wrote:

I have SI scars on my arms, and it's never really hindered my interaction wit other ppl, of whatever gender.

TBH, ya gotta give ppl more credit. Most ppl won't be bothered by it, at most will be interested but not insensitive. And those that are bothered by it or offended by it or demand that you seek IMMEDIATE HELP ( :rolleyes: ) frankly ain't worth your time darlin.

Good luck.

Like anything that scares someone, I would try to help them and get them help, if they where still doing it. I don't however see it as a major character flaw. Since I've know several people that did it as teenagers, there reasons, and how at that particular time, it was the only way they got through.

20 Times 20 Times · 02-09-2005 10:08pm

miss anon wrote:

How exactly do you explain away scars that are quite obviously the result of self-injury? Tell the truth or come up with some crazy excuse and hope someone (read: a guy) will buy it and drop the subject?

I used to cut quite a bit but any scars left by that have faded, it's just ones left from a bit of a bad patch earlier this year that I'm worried about. I don't think of myself as 'a cutter' or anything and I'd probably dismiss it as not a big deal.

If you knew/liked someone, and then saw scars like that (bearing in mind that they'd normally dress to hide them and that it's not like they're on show to the whole world) would you freak out about it? Think they weren't worth the hassle? (Got a hint of that from another thread here on a related topic...) Try getting them 'help' even though they say it's all fine?

Basically, is this the sort of thing that could seriously screw something up? Any advice/thoughts would be appreciated...

Im sorry but its the first time i ever felt like this after ereading a post on th PI , i would love to give you a big hug now ! that is all i want to say

Shellie13 · 03-09-2005 1:20am

Its truely your own business whether you choose to tell him or not- it would more than likely clear your mind if you did! For all othe rnosy (or maybe genuinely concerned) people you don't wish to tell just have an excuse on the ready!

Its horrible too see someone you care about hurting themselves but a genuine guy will be understanding if he's mature enough! It can be great to have someone around to support you to-and discourage you from any relapses! If it really is all in the past its almost irrelavant anyway!

Lastly, no matter what anyone says, this is somrthing most people have done to some degree- self harm takes forms other than just purely cutting-don't think it will make you into a freak in anyones eyes!Chanes are he may well have done it himself (though to a lesser degree) or have already had an ex who had done it!

Well done for stopping by the way!!!

Explaining SI scars?

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