What have I become...

LegacyUser

I don't know how to organise this... I don't know how to organise my thoughts. They are fragmented and they do not fit together. The motivations of my actions do not seem to fit nicely into one solid theory, so I am going to write them down in no particular order under some headings. It'll probably be the end of this before you can pick up the story... I'm about to tell you some of my darkest secrets...

I don't allow myself to get close to people any more because I disgust myself as a human being. I wish that I was never born so that I could never have hurt and disappointed the people I love. I wish someone so corrupt and selfish was never brought into this world, and I would gladly opt out if it wasn't for the pain that suicide brings to those left behind. I don't understand my actions before I do them (that is not an excuse to cop out of the responsibility of it). I have acted in ways that have hurt people who I thought I loved and lied to myself, convinced myself that I acted like that for more genuine reasons and ignored the holes in these reasons.

For example, a few months ago I started cutting myself. I never had any suicidal intentions (did them on the non-wrist side) but the pain and the blood just made me feel better for reasons that I can neither explain to myself nor you. While the self-injury was at the time not a cry for help, I showed it to my best friend (and the only friend I could really open up to), convincing myself that I "accidentally" showed her when really it was on purpose. She flipped (and I knew she would) because her aunt committed suicide when she was young and she blamed herself for it for whatever reason. I wanted her pity and her sympathy to fix the problems we were having with her friendship. I put myself before her and feel so disgusted with myself.

My best friend is now gone after all of the **** that I put her through... In my plea for her help she thought that it was me trying to hurt her (in a way that "If I can't have her nobody else can") and thinks that I was trying to destroy her life. I tried my best to sort out my problems... I knew what I was doing all along... It's just that once I was in the situation my mind becomes flooded and I couldn't see the logic in what I was doing. I didn't know how to act around her and how to tell her about all the problems I was having. And I ruined out friendship...

I can't control myself, I'm afraid of myself and the power that is in me. After one of the incidents with my best friend I tried to explain (and rehearsed it about 10 times calmly in my head and felt completely calm about saying it. I was certain I would keep my cool and had never flipped before). She came into the room and started giving out to me and I flipped... I slammed my hand on the table really hard and started mouthing off in a fit of rage what I had rehearsed. I scared the **** out of her and she thought I was going to hit her or something (which I never would of course). I don't deserve someone who stuck around for so long through all of my ****.

I didn't really want her help at all... I wanted her pity. I wanted to become dependant on her and use her like a leech. When I felt I was losing her I went all out to keep her... I tried my best... Not for her genuine love and compassion, but for her pity. And when her pity wasn't there, I turned to something else. Anything else... Self-harm, alcohol, drugs. Because I'm too much of a ****ing prick and a parasite to stand on my own two feet...

And every time... I realise this... I just always end up back here... Trying to stand on my own two feet and trying to grab on as the ground crumbles underneath me. I refuse to use anybody else. And it's not even external problems... That's the thing... She told me this and I didn't listen. All of my problems are in my head. They don't even exist. I CREATED THEM. I created my complexes and my insecurities... So why isn't it so easy to solve? Why can't I just click my fingers and say "Oh wait, there actually is no problem, I'm just acting like an idiot". I suppose I can't do that because after the way I've acted in the past, I fear being close to anyone in the future. I'm afraid of hurting them. I'm afraid of what I'll do to them without knowing and understanding that I'm just there in the relationship for my own selfish reasons... My own comfort...

Over the last few months I have been experiencing twitching of my body. It usually happens when I am trying to think about something that I do not like thinking about (that whole situation in particular). It worried me when it happened first, but I paid no attention. It started becoming more frequent and it manifested itself to times when I was with other people. I don't know if they notice it or not. Sometimes I have doubts about what is in reality and what is in my head. I worry that I hallucinate/convince myself that something happened when it didn't. When I would close my eyes and try to conquer it, the physical movement would be replaced by a deep chill in my spine. While this may seem a little messed up to you, over time I have learned to accept it. I don't even notice it now but it is always there when I am distressed about this.

I feel disgusting and pathetic, I am so sick in the head. I'm about to get to the worst thing... I have never told anybody about either the twitching or this next thing... I couldn't... They'd see who I really was at the core... They'd see the monster in me. There are thoughts in my head - I can't stop them - They're pervasive and no matter how much I try I can't stop thinking about them. I fantasise about things like my mother/sister dying. It is not their deaths themselves that I fantasise about, but telling people and having them feel sorry for me and show that they care for me. I am in tears as I write this, not out of disgust but just from the comfort of the thoughts of having someone hug me and tell me that it will be ok How could I have these thoughts. What is wrong with me? I want help and I don't know how to say it... And my problems aren't even real. They're only in my head. What the hell is wrong with me? How could I be so ****ing sick?

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COPE BY MYSELF AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

I'm going to go for a long shot and ask you... have you been where I am? Thanks if you read all this

Victor

Its good to talk. Tell us some more.

We all hurt each other in little ways, but we try to make up to each other.

If you are in the process of self-harm/abuse it might be worth talking to someone professional, starting with your GP. This is not avoiding "standing on you own two feet", everyone in need is entitled to ask for help. If your legs were broken, would you refuse crutches?

U$ername

It is good to talk about these things, thats what we are here for. I know myself that wrting helps me to sort out the confusion of what happens in my head.

I have kept a journal for years and every time I look back I understand more and more about myself and how I coped through various times in my life. I could never open up to anyone either, as I thought my "problems" were not something to land on someone else. Writing gave me a way to talk things out a bit with myself and eventually I forced myself to ask others about these things in small amounts.

We are here for you anyway if you need to talk.

Jim10000

I think it was a really good idea for you to post all this stuff here. It's good to share all those things buzzing around your head and this is a great place to start.

It sounds like you've analysed recent events in your relationship with your friend a lot and the view you have of yourself from all this is a really negative one, but I think you're being really hard on yourself. Could you talk to an outsider about these things to possibly help you get a fresh perspective?

It sounds like when you were reaching out to your friend for acceptance or reassurance she wasn't able to offer it to you, but don't blame yourself for that. You have your own problems, which are seperate from her aunt's suicide and it sounds obvious that you weren't trying to upset her by cutting your wrists.

I don't want to trivialise them, but I think that both the twitching and those fantasies you mentioned could be the most normal things in the world!

While it could be more serious, there are loads of everyday causes of twitching - including anxiety. Why don't you mention it to your doctor? Chances are you'll be relieved when it turns out to be some thing completely normal.

And the funeral fantasies are normal too. I spent most of my teenage years fantasising about my own funeral. I didn't want to be dead, I just liked thinking about who'd turn up and how upset they'd be. You're not a bad person for having these thoughts, don't beat yourself up about them!

You said towards the end of your post that you don't know how to deal with these things on you own. I don't think anyone would. But your problems are real. Try to look for help, I really think it would help to talk to someone who has a professional insight in to your situation. Definitely post here again too.

dramaqueen

Interestingly, the common issue throughout your entire post is that you want somebody to show how much they love you, and pity you etc.
The problem is that when they do, like your friend, you push them away.
The point is that you don't believe that you deserve their love. You think this because you don't like yourself.
You will never get what you need from someone else until you give it to yourself first.
Take a long look in the mirror. You are clearly very good at finding the faults in yourself, which is an admirable trait. We could all do with being a little more honest with ourselves.
Now it's time to find the good things. And there is good and bad in the worst serial killer so don't even try to say that you don't have any nice things about your personality.
Your best friend wouldn't have been friends with you, if there wasn't something likeable about you.
Make a list and every day, recite those things like a mantra in the mirror. Eventually you will start to believe them.
We all say and do things that we regret. The trick is to accept that there are some things you can never undo, but to learn from them, and don't repeat them.
What happens in our heads, and in our fantasies is ours. Nobody needs to ever know and nobody will ever get hurt from them. I bet you if we opened up the minds of the people in your life, you would find some other f*cked up thoughts. We all have them.
Ashamed, you need to learn to forgive yourself for the things you have done and said.
Only when you forgive yourself, can you accept forgiveness from others.
I know it sounds sappy, but it is actually true.
When you love yourself, you can accept love from others.
Stop cutting yourself, stop hating yourself and stop blaming yourself for everything.
Be practical.
If you were really that bad would you even be feeling the way you do.
Congratulations on being so honest with yourself.
But have the courage to be even more honest again, see the whole picture.
See the good as well as the bad.

Nevyn

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO HANDLE THIS. I DON'T KNOW HOW TO COPE BY MYSELF AND I DON'T KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH IT.

It is ok to not know how to handle this, somethings you are not going to be
able to do so with out professional medical help.

They will help you cope with both meds and theraphy, but you have to be
willing to but yourslef in thier care. This may mean a few days in hospital.

This will be hard, but you have not killed anyone, or harmed anyone else
you are not a monster or a fiend there are worse people in the world.
Having bad or negative or non 'normal' toughts isnt that unusual but acting
on them or not dealing with them correctly is not helping.

Got get yourslef the help you desperatly need.

WhiteWashMan

if you are more than 18 or 19 i am going to be surprised.

it sounds like the majority of your problems are not your lack of self esteem, but the fact that you cannot understand or interprate what you are feeling.
i suspect it leaves you feeling frustrated and impotent. being unable to explain what the problem is, usually, is the biggest problem.

actualyl sitting down, and telling people your problems is often the best method of getting relief, because you can ramble on and eventually you figure out whats wrong with you. once you have done that, its a case of understand the problem, and then solving.

the pain and the blood is only a placebo effect. it doesnt make you feel better, it just distracts you from whatever it is you dont understand. the pain you can understand, and you know why its there. and you know what, 'accidently' showing your friend is not a bad thing. of course, she has her own problems and may not be able to deal with yours as well. and thats good for her. i think one of the most important lessons that people have to learn, is that its ok to be selfish.

really.

its good to be selfish.

and i dont mean not sharing your ice cream. i mean ensuring that through life you do whats right for you, and not other people. stop worrying about things you cant change. stop over analyzing things that you cant influence, and stop making assumption about everyone. the only facts you have are the ones about you. other people do the same thing, and its why we always end up with relationship problems. because 2 people think different things, both of which are usualy wrong!

so relax. find someone to talk to on a regular basis. and start to think of yourself as a normal person witha few issues, just like everyone, and realise that every other person that you think is strong, that you think has it together, is probably thinking the exact same thoughts as you.

in fact, half of them probably look at you and think 'hey, that dude is so together. why cant i be like that, my life is a tragedy, i think i will cut myself and contemplate suicide in a melodramatic fashion for a few hours whilst listening to some emotioanl claptrap music that really connects with my inner feelings, yeah'.

if you know what i mean...

Dreamcatcher

To the OP, as WWM suggested, you sound quite young.

The title of your post "What have I become" is quite telling I think.
You seem to be in frame of mind of "mind over matter" in the negative sense.
Whatever you think that you have "become" can be overcome and changed and you can "become" the person that you truly would like to be.
It seems to me that you have almost "decided" that you are not deserving of peace of mind or happiness. Man, it's a self-fulfilling prophesy that you have created here.
It might not be what you want to hear, but I think that your (ex) best friend is right. Your "problems" are in your own head. You come across as quite an insightful person. However I feel that your analysis is flawed and one-sided.
You are looking at yourself with black-tinted glasses. You are in a spiral where feeling like **** about yourself is familiar to you and it's actually become an addiction of sorts - think about that.
You need to be imaginative about how you are going to get out of this spiral.
You need to wake up one morning soon and say to yourself, "Right, today, just for today at least, I am not going to have even one negative thought. In fact I am going to forget myself altogether and concentrate on reaching out to and connecting with other people that I meet during the day." And see how it goes.

Lose yourself for a while. Surprise people. To hell with their reactions. You just be strong and be assured that there's nothing wrong with changing and becoming a better person than you and the people around you ever expected you to be.
Look upon it as a challenge.

If you genuinely feel so down and out of control as you say, then my advice would be to seek medical help. Visit your GP as the first port of call - make sure he/she is a sound, good GP that you feel comfortable with. (I've never been in this situ myself(yet..)): but I wouldn't imagine that you have to pour your heart and your secrets out to the GP in order to be referred to someone who can help you. (Maybe someone who is in the know could shed some light on this particular point: Do you have to be all demonstrative and emotional with your GP in order that they consider it appropriate that you be referred to a psychiatrist/therapist or whatever?)

As for the physical symptoms of twitching, that sounds likely to more physiological than mental, from my own lay person's point of view.
At the risk of sounding trite, and I apologise in advance here if I'm totally off the mark... but here goes: What is your diet like? Do you by any chance drink coffee/coke? Do you eat a lot of sugary junk food? If so, then I would think that you may have an intolerance of caffeine/sugar/artifical additives such as aspartame, sorbitol etc. One or all of those. For example, I for one cannot have more than one cup of coffee without feeling a bit strange physically and emotionally deranged and a bit paranoid, so I don't drink any coffee at all!

I wish you well OP. For what it's worth, I admire your honesty - that is a good positive trait to have - just use that trait for, as opposed to against yourself.
You have taken a positive step in posting on this board. As others have said, please feel free to add to what you've said, if you've got more to say.

I would also echo what others have said about seeking the advice of a professional. We on this board are not professionals- as far as I know.
Good luck with your future. As I said you sound like an intelligent insightful person. You have a lot going for you. Unfortunately you have - somewhere along the line - decided to use(abuse) your talents to beat yourself up.

As another poster pointed out, we are all human beings each with our own subconscious demons etc. The trick is to pretend that we are all normal, competent human beings. That's life. Sometimes it's a bit of a game!
I would advise against confiding in someone that you know, or who is a friend, as someone else suggested - in my opinion, that would be disastrous and would only compound your (self-perceived) "problems".
The key is to be strong in the face of your friends, family etc.
If you have really serious issues emanating from your childhood or whatever, then go and talk to a professional.
Stop seeking pity! That is just a fleeting "fix".

As I said, I'm not a professional. But if you feel that you'd like to talk and have more to say in an anonymous environment, please feel free to PM me, and I'll do my best to point you in the right direction.

Take care.

fade2black

I read the OP and didn't read all the replies as yet so forgive me if I step on someone's point here. I think the whole post is just a perfect example of someone spending too much time on their own and with their thoughts. When we are in these situations we analyse just about everything, almost always from a negative perspective.

People will say go and see a GP etc but we both know you're not going to do that, let's face it, if you were of that inclination you probably wouldn't call yourself "ashamed". The best advice I can give you is to understand that if everyone's thoughts were out in the open, the prisons would be full everyone would be ashamed.

You're an attention seeker and have some inner self confidence issues, hence why you crave people's sympathy. Again, this is fairly normal but doesn't represent your true feelings, understand that and you'll hopefully begin to despise yourself a little less.

Dagon

Try meditation, if you work at the right technique, and work correctly, it will solve the problems you've described.

PM me if you want to know more.

AARRRGH

I'm sorry if this sounds cynical, but has anyone else noticed how the OP has written a very nice piece of prose with no spelling or grammar mistakes? Is this really how you write when you are deeply upset? It's seems very contrived and attention seeking to me... A little eerie, like you are proud of what you're writing?

______

Obviously it's an attention seeking post, they're crying out for help with the post here they hardly posted it to be ignored.

Honestly though if you're have to post anon I can't imagine how hard it is in the real world for you, couldn't you go to a doctor, they have to have doctor-patient secrecy and even telling him may help.

Nevyn

The op could just have very good english.
Or took the time to make themsleves clearly understood.

remember unhelpful post will get you banned.
Please read the charter.
Have a nice day.
Thaed

i feel for you man or woman)!i go through thinking about family members dying!IT IS A FANTASY TO SEE HOW I REACT!ITS BASICALLY BEEN HAPPENING THE LAST FEW MONTHS!

my younger bro was involved in an accident 2 weeks ago!i arrived on the scene 5mins after he was knocked down!i thought he was dead!luckily he survived although he has broken both his legs!

anyway once it happened!i stopped thinking about sypathy id get and just thought about my lil bro!if he was gone id no that all of the sympathy in the world would not be as good as having him alive!dont worry!its good to talk about it though!well thats my feelings and opinions!good night!

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the long replies... Most of them are confusing a little because they're not what I expected at all...

First to yer man who was bitching about my grammar That's just the way I write. When I'm in a mindset where it's hard to see what's logical I find it easiest to organise my thoughts in the neatest way that I can. It's the closest that I can get to articulate when I'm upset. I don't want sympathy here, I posted anonymously and if I wanted a hug the only people I'd want it from are close friends (who I find it hard to talk to about this because it's a side of me that they don't know).

WWM, I'm 17 and male. What is it that I've said that makes me sound so young? You're right about being unable to interpret my feelings. Sometimes it's like I act without understanding why I act that way and only after a lot of time do I understand how I was feeling and why I was acting that way.

It's hard to describe the way my mindset suddenly changes... Maybe it's emotional immaturity. It's like that experiment where they taught a rat to walk a maze sober and another to walk it drunk, and when they drunk one was drunk he could walk the maze better than he could sober. When I'm away from my ex-best friend for a while, everything seems clear. I get what I did wrong and why I did it. And suddenly if I'm there again with her and she's getting angry about all that's been done, something just clicks, my mind becomes empty and in these times I've learned to just shut up rather than say something stupid.

Yeah you can call it low self esteem but isn't low self esteem justified if you're not actually a good person? I don't think that I enjoy hating myself... the fantasies are comforting in that they give me an explanation and an excuse for the way I'm acting. Like "oh my mam died when all this started happening". A get out of jail free card, a scapegoat. I don't enjoy feeling like I'm a horrible person on the inside and my fantasies are that I actually am the good person that I thought I was. When I think about letting someone else in, I don't think in the context of "oh, I don't deserve this person"... I just fear that I'll hurt them. I should be able to wipe the slate clean but what stops me from going around in a circle, ploughing through best friends and leaving them hurt.

I would have always said that people can be changed down to the core, but after the way I've acted, after all the efforts I've made to try to change myself only to end up back here... back where I was last night... in a crazy little episode where I couldn't stop twitching when I was thinking about things I didn't want to...

I don't think I'm alone in this either... It helped me understand a good few people who have hurt some of my friends and see how they are trapped where I am, wanting to be on their own two feet but still fearing being alone. It also opened up the real meaning and understanding of every song I've ever listened to about addiction or being a drifter.

I've done all that "act positive" stuff, which works until I start thinking about her or if I end up in the same place as her (we share the same friends). As I said, something just clicks, like a reset button.... I can't describe it.

I know I should just let her go... she's always in the back of my head... I see so many faces every day that I think is her... but what about the next person? I feel like I have no control over how I act sometimes, and what's to stop me doing that to the next person?

When it comes to standing on my own two feet, I mean that I have to be okay by myself before I can trust myself around anyone else. It's like that Social Distortion song, "How can you love someone when you don't love yourself?". I don't like who I am and all efforts to change myself at the core seem to fail and end up in the state that I was in the other night... It's repititious and exhausting and every time I'm there I never wanna get back on my feet again... Something always picks me up, and something always knocks me back down again...

I have no idea why I'm posting here

ArizonaBayNow!

I think visiting a psychologist would be a pretty good call, and it's not really that big a deal. I can relate to what you're going through, and a big part of it is to realise that your emotions are out of sink with the reality of your situation. If you take a look at your thoughts I bet you'll find that feeling as bad as you do about certain things doesn't quite add up, that you're having a too severe reaction to stuff that probably shouldn't bother you nearly as much. This is something I realised while going through something pretty similar- I was overreacting, things were provoking strong reactions even though I knew they shouldn't be, and yet I couldn't stop, even though I realised how silly I was being. So I decided to do some reading on the subject and alot of what I found out helped me alot, hopefully it can help you too.

Without being too technical, I'll try to explain what I believe was happening to me, and it may give some insight into your situation. Basically, your emotional state isn't your fault, that is to say you can't control it, just like you can't stop feeling cold or tired or anything else, it is the way it is due to a very specific system designed by way of evolution to ensure the survival of your body. When we go through a period of prolonged emotional or physical stress, changes in levels of chemicals in the brain called neurotransmitters occur. These chemicals allow your brain cells to talk to one another, and influence everything about your brain, from mood to though speed to memory. If you become stressed for a long time two major changes usually occur, that is that serotonin levels go down and dopamine goes up, these can be altered quite severely depending on just how stressed you are. Alcohol and certain types of drugs can also have short to medium term effects on your serotonin levels, most notably MDMA (ecstasy), which can lower serotonin levels quite drastically depending on how much you have taken. The good news is that the effects are pretty short term, usually 1 to 2 weeks although up to a month is possible. I mention this because you said you've used drugs and it might go part of the way towards explaining how you feel.

Now what effects does low serotonin levels have on you? This page gives a more in depth account, but basically you feel tired alot of the time, abnormally so, and a number of psycological complaints start popping up, at least they did for me. I felt depressed and angry, or worse, nothing at all. Just out and out blank, not a nice state to be in. I had all kinds of irrational fears out health problems and my state of mind, I started having intrusive thoughts - that is I kept thinking about particularly negative and frightening things, getting to the point where any time I passed a pair of scissors I imagined myself using them on... well, myself. And a bunch of other crazy stuff, like being convinced I was going insane or dying or both, which is a pretty bad combination in anyone's book. When I started reading up on it and confronting my fears I found that it helped alot, that understanding what was happening eased my fears, and with a condition like this making yourself less stressed is half, if not all of the cure. I went to various docters, had medical checks to count out any of the illnesses I was afraid I might have, and of course had none of them. How many Multiple sclerosis ridden, brain tumor suffers with sever glaucoma and congenital heart defects do you see running around the city anyway? The answer is none, the arthritis slows them down.

If you go to see a doctor you'll probably be medicated, which isn't a bad thing either, but that isn't a cure. The problem here isn't the low serotonin, its the conditions present in your life which have brought it about, however if you're distraught all the time you're hardly in a position to change any of that, so the meds would be of some help to you while you go about changing stuff. Also having someone impartial to listen to you and help you along is always a good thing. Don't be worried about getting stuck on meds for the rest of your life either, this kind of thing has an excellent recovery rate, and while you may hear about cases where people have not recovered, remember that people don't ever hear about the successes as much as the failures. The most important thing however, is to realise that the way you feel is an illusion, possibly caused by drug use combined with poor self image and any other number of things, causing you to feel like sh*te most of the time, and to think things that aren't true. Seeking treatment isn't a failure, its the first step towards getting all of this behind you.

EDIT:

Then again, seeing as you're only 17 (how did that post magically appear above mine? odd stuff) your hormones could just be screwing with you. Yeah, that's harsh I know, but I had the same thing, everyone's had the same thing.

nesf

I would be extremely slow to tell him/her that it's low serotonin levels. It's not that simple. Seriously that's the kind of thing best left to a trained profession psychiatrist who has carried multiple interviews with the person. It's not as simple as "this chemical is lacking". I wouldn't have even mentioned this except for your post. I know you mean well, but it is still a bad idea to do so.

ashamed wrote:

I'm going to go for a long shot and ask you... have you been where I am? Thanks if you read all this

In a word yes. I was very ill about 3 years ago. The problem was, when I was where you are now, I didn't get help. I ignored it and hoped it would go away. Let me assure you, it can get a lot worse than where you are now. You don't want to experience this for yourself.

I wouldn't relate on every issue with you, but I can tell you that I do have an idea of what you are going through. I know how lucid you are despite the issues etc. Dismiss the comments of people accusing you of attention grabbing. They seem to lose the point. It's help you need. How else can you get it without asking for it?

The only piece of advice I'm going to give you is this.

Go to a GP and get referred to a psychiatrist. Go private if you can afford it, it cuts down on the waiting time. You should focus on one thing, that is getting better. It is not a short process and there is no quick fix. If you are put on drugs, they are only a help. They are not a solution. You are facing a long and hard road on the way to "getting yourself out of this".

But it's worth it. Believe me. You need to want to "get better" and go out there and try hard to achieve this. You can achieve it. It will take effort though.

The hardest step will be that first visit to the GP. Focus on it though. Without professional help you will find life much harder. It is not weak to ask for help, it is only pride that causes you to forego it.

ArizonaBayNow!

Very true, but some sort of understanding of what's going on can help calm someone down, I know it helped me, the page I linked to in particular. Anyway, it's just a possiblity.

nesf

ArizonaBayNow! wrote:

Very true, but some sort of understanding of what's going on can help calm someone down, I know it helped me, the page I linked to in particular. Anyway, it's just a possiblity.

It could equally be a dopamine issue tbh. I'd wait for an official diagnosis before reading up on it.

ArizonaBayNow!

EDIT: Made in relation to a removed post.

Nevyn

link removed
and DingChavez banned for 1 mnth.

ArizonaBayNow!
May I direct your notice to the little report post button under each users name.
Personal insults will also get you banned from this forum

Do read the charter,
have a nice day,
Thaed

Jim10000

Common to a lot of replies is the advice that the OP should try to get professional help.

OP, do you feel that's something you'd be able to do? Do you think it's a good idea?

WhiteWashMan

Dagon wrote:

Try meditation, if you work at the right technique, and work correctly, it will solve the problems you've described.

PM me if you want to know more.

this is not a doctors office, and you are not entitled to prescribe medicine here.
what a ridiculous thing to suggest when you have half a page of ramblings. thats not enough for a diagnosis, and certainly not enough for someone to come along and suggest prescribing medicines to random punters.

banned for quite a long time for being so utterly and completely inapporpriate on this forum.

tonyinuae

OP, what you are going through sounds truly awful.

There seem to be a few factors at work here:

a) abnormally high self-criticism amounting to self-loathing, to the point of self-mutilation (a common manifestation of unbearable stress)

b) the traumatic effects of a relationship/relationships that went wrong

c) falling back involuntarily into a mode of thinking and feeling caused by a trigger (person/place etc.)

All of the above are not helped by the age factor - 17 is never an easy place to be at the best of times, and besides adolescence is a crucial stage in the development of normal relationships and self-esteem (closely linked as these are). So I really feel a lot of sympathy for the state of mind you are in.

There probably is a background to all this that you haven't mentioned, and I don't think you need to - the place for that is with a trained professional, and a psychologist/psychotherapist might be a better bet than a psychiatrist, at least to begin with, because psychiatrists are doctors who are allowed to prescribe drugs, whereas a psychotherapist (if they're good at what they do) can help by working with and through the person's thoughts, memories and feelings to help them get to a better place.

Try to get hold of a really good one if possible. Maybe your GP can recommend one? You'd be better off starting with the GP and s/he could recommend you for further consultations with someone who specializes in problems like these. Friends aren't really qualified in these matters, no matter how well-intentioned or welcome their support may be.

You might find it hard to believe just at the moment (of course you do) but you aren't the bad and selfish, heartless person you accuse yourself of being, you're just confused and sad, as well as fearful of hurting people (see? not a monster) and just need some help from the right person.

Stop trying to fix this on your own - seek help now, you could soon be living a very different reality.

LegacyUser

WhiteWashMan wrote:

this is not a doctors office, and you are not entitled to prescribe medicine here.
what a ridiculous thing to suggest when you have half a page of ramblings. thats not enough for a diagnosis, and certainly not enough for someone to come along and suggest prescribing medicines to random punters.

banned for quite a long time for being so utterly and completely inapporpriate on this forum.

WWM, that's hardly a medicine he was offering, more of the spiritual/religious perspective and I would be interested in his thoughts on the matter. I don't want two bans in one thread resting on my conscience

It would take a LOT of balls for me to go to a GP about this, but mainly because I wouldn't like my parents finding out. Is there any psychotherapist that I could afford? Is it really like it is on TV (€100 an hour!)? Is it possible that I could do this without letting my family know or would I have to be 18?

LegacyUser

I'm not so sure my situation really warrants psychotherapy either...

Vangelis

Ashamed, your condition signals the need for professional attention. I hope you follow that advice. All I can say is that you express yourself wonderfully - that has caused some to doubt your sincerity here. I did the same thing when I needed help once: I wrote with all the power of my vocabulary and let my psychologist read what I had written. The first thing he said was: "You write very well!" A trick to make me smile. And I have to say the same thing to you. Being able to express yourself like this is a good quality and I believe the further outcome of it would be better if you had a psychologist to look at it. My psychologist asked me questions based on what I wrote, questions that made me think really hard, and it helped me. I STRONGLY advise you to grip that opportunity.

Other than that, I see no reason for giving much more advice because none of us knows your life situation and mind fully. And it would be scary to inspire you to do something that mightn't be any good for you at all.

Also, let your doctor decide whether you need professional help or not. Don't make that decision yourself.

I'll quote a part of an Irish blessing to you:
May a road rise to meet you!

WhiteWashMan

ashamed wrote:

WWM, that's hardly a medicine he was offering, more of the spiritual/religious perspective and I would be interested in his thoughts on the matter. I don't want two bans in one thread resting on my conscience

It would take a LOT of balls for me to go to a GP about this, but mainly because I wouldn't like my parents finding out. Is there any psychotherapist that I could afford? Is it really like it is on TV (€100 an hour!)? Is it possible that I could do this without letting my family know or would I have to be 18?

sorry. i originally read mediation as medication.
i have issued an apology in PM to Dagon, and i also apologise here as well.
ban immedaitely lifted.

LegacyUser

i'm a regular user but i'm going anon for this one....

original poster,

i'm a 20 y.o. male, i suppose i am suffering from depression, like yourself, but mine takes a different form - less self loathing and more feeling very helpless. i dont really see the point in my life or the lives of the rest of the population. i find myself shrouded by an unshakable feeling of inevitable doom, fueled that the knowledge that i am going to die and it dosnt matter what i do in my life because in the end it makes no difference.

but now we're talking about me.....

my point was that i've been like this for about 3 years (since i was the same age as you) and i really wish now i'd done something about it then. i feel i may be too deep now to fix it....and at this stage i dont really care if i fix it or not.

talk to somebody.

LegacyUser

Just wanted to say thanks everyone...

Not sure what I'l do but I'll see how it plays out a bit...