Can failed marriages create phantom gays?

democrates

I'm aware of two women who's husbands left them, and subsequently began to explore the lesbian life for the first time in their lives. I wonder is anyone else aware of similar situations.

Could it be possible that for some people this is a way of dealing with the pain of failure and rejection, and that they're not really gay?

Rather than feeling traumatised by the failure of the marriage and the pain of rejection, they choose to believe that the marriage was not right and doomed to failure from day one because they were bi or lesbian all along, and so instead of pain they feel a new lease of life and see new possibilites.

Obviously I'm in no position to judge or make assumptions and I would never do that, also as far as I am concerned we are all born with a right to a happy life so I'm not trying to attack or degrade anyone here, quite the contrary, my concern is that if the hypothesis above is true, then time spent in this refuge is time lost in finding their true selves and getting on with their lives.

My own leaning is that it's a good thing for a while if it gets them through a painful time, it's certainly better than self-destruction through depression, alcohol, drugs, suicide or whatever. But as a straight guy I'd be interested in other insights.

the_syco

Don't know. They may see the man as the enemy, and go for another women as the only alternative.

/me waits in the corner for someone to flame me...

damien

the_syco wrote:

/me waits in the corner for someone to flame me...

*Gets out a candle.*

monkeyfudge

I think I understand what you are saying.

I think it comes down to the fact that for women sexual arousal has little to do with sexual orientation where as with men arousal is orientation.

So if a women finds herself in sitituation where she finds it difficult to emotionaly deal with men then it isn't too much of a leap for her to change to women.

My own sister after a large number of failed relationships with men decided at about the age of 30 that she was a lesbian. I would have thought that your sexual orientation would have been something that you would have figured out a lot sooner than this.

But I really apologise if I'm way off the mark here... as I feel this may offend some people... I'm really just going on what I've observed and from what I read recently in a report on arousal patterns by Michael Bailey.

I'd be very interested to hear other opinions.

claire h

Well... 'not really gay' would mean that they'd realise soon enough that relationships with the same sex weren't for them. I mean, if someone's consistently attracted to the same sex after that, then I'd say that counts as pretty damn gay, regardless of whatever complex psychological maneouvres are responsible for them seeking out those relationships in the first place.

The breakup of a marriage is going to be traumatic regardless of how you justify it, so I'm not sure that deciding that it was because of orientation that it didn't work out is going to suddenly make the pain go away.

damien

Maybe failed marriages offer the chance for someone to re-examine their lives and give them massively new freedoms? No restrictions, no barriers, no worrying about adhering to what was expected of a woman in a society that no longer exists.

Maybe it wasn't abandoning heterosexuality but allowing themselves to explore a repressed side of their sexuality. Funnily enough, even in this almost open-minded society people still think they need to pair up with the opp sex and settle down and marry, despite what they themselves are feeling.

There are still people getting engaged and marrying someone of the opposite sex, yet they're gay.

damien

Good question by the way.

Stark

I think that in the above cases, the husbands could have sensed lack of sexual interest from their wives and left.

Boston

Maybe it's a case of they decide that finding someone who loves them and will care for them, is much more important then the gender of that person. It's pretty much how I feel. And I can see peoples attitudes being adjusted to that way of thinking after a negative break up.

Also people get married for many reasons, as damien says. It would be that they have their kids and tried the family life, and now that those preprogrammed conditions are satified, they want to move on.

Hmm_Messiah

Its not only the case that women may move to a same sex relationship after a marriage failure, men also o this. The difference seems to be that the two women form a very emotionally satisfying connection.

The reasons the marriage failled might well contribute to the cause and success of any fullt same sex relationships.
i don't get the posters point about how men and wiomen different re: arousal, its a small thing to basis a relationship on.

I do know that society has allows allowed woment o be more intimate, emotional, clsoe to each other, within a friendship, in ways most men feel they could not be.

I think it just demostrates the fluidity of sexual practice, attraction. Also though its not a big leap if some one was hurt by a man, to turn to a "not a man" for some emotional pleasure and comfort.

it is a good question, possibly best answered by people who've had the experience . I don't like the idea of it leading to "phantom gays", I don't think its for any person to question the veracity of an individual's sexuality or expression of same.

Annasopra

democrates wrote:

I'm aware of two women who's husbands left them, and subsequently began to explore the lesbian life for the first time in their lives. I wonder is anyone else aware of similar situations.

Could it be possible that for some people this is a way of dealing with the pain of failure and rejection, and that they're not really gay?

Or could it be that the marriage has failed because they were trapped in the marriage and were always gay anyway

Obviously I'm in no position to judge or make assumptions and I would never do that, also as far as I am concerned we are all born with a right to a happy life so I'm not trying to attack or degrade anyone here, quite the contrary, my concern is that if the hypothesis above is true, then time spent in this refuge is time lost in finding their true selves and getting on with their lives.

My own leaning is that it's a good thing for a while if it gets them through a painful time, it's certainly better than self-destruction through depression, alcohol, drugs, suicide or whatever

I don't agree with your thinking that time spent in this refuge is time lost in finding their true selves and getting on with their lives. - surely by exploring different avenues that have always been closed off they are actually finding themselves

Why do you assume as well that going through this path might be something temporary and some way of getting people through a painful time

democrates

Some interesting angles there, thanks, and I take the point that using the term 'phantom gays' may have been a bit out there hmm_messiah, there's probably a better way to refer to someone who is trying out a gay relationship but who ultimately discovers they are straight, an 'explorer' maybe. Again I'm not assuming that is the case for anyone in particular, but would I be wrong to assume that this ever really happens?

Johnnymcg wrote:

I don't agree with your thinking that time spent in this refuge is time lost in finding their true selves and getting on with their lives. - surely by exploring different avenues that have always been closed off they are actually finding themselves

I totally accept that they may now have found their true selves, and that this path is part of the process of self discovery, I certainly wouldn't assume any possibility.

Johnnymcg wrote:

Why do you assume as well that going through this path might be something temporary and some way of getting people through a painful time

I was simply considering what might be, rather than making an assumption. The point about time lost in finding contentment is my main concern. In the same way as a person can stay in a bad marriage for a long time, a person could stay with same sex partner(s) long after that road has ceased to be their best option.

I guess one of the things coming through here is that regardless of the relationship type, each person should be honest and open, paying close attention to their own needs and those of their partners. The lack of that has led to some relationships failing to achieve mutual contentment, or breaking up altogether when they could have been saved.

If it turns out after such consideration that differences cannot be reconciled and/or needs fulfilled, the sooner that is realised the sooner people can move on to something better. Have other posters had relationships that were affected by these issues?

jamiecake

Its about realization and a mix between midlife crisis… my x was married, he is allot older then me.. he always knew he was gay but never had anyone to say it to.. and use to spend him time frequenting a guy from time to time and then one day woke up wanting a different life! Selfish as it may be..

I don’t think that the break up of marriages will double the gay population or anything, in my opinion, you are born gay, weather you chose to accept it or not, it is your choice.

Beruthiel

a failed marriage would not make you turn gay.
however, it might make you start to re think what exactly you want in the first place.
Going through a failed marriage in itself makes you think an awful lot about what it is that is missing from your life/relationships, perhaps thinking more deeply then you have ever done so before.
You need a certain kind of strength to call an end to a marriage so perhaps that strength helps you to try out stuff you would never have considered before and all avenues are open to you now to try them without anyone looking over your shoulder, perhaps even discovering that you are gay/bi...