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Quote me this, quote me that
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05-09-2005 12:21am#1here are a few quotes that may be inspirational, if not amusing ... (now i'm beginning to wonder if i have really very little to do
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"Statistics have shown that mortality increases in the military during wartime."
- Alphonse Allais
"I want to tell you a terrific story about oral contraception. I asked this girl to sleep with me and she said 'No'."
- Woody Allen
"I'm not afraid of dying, I just don't want to be there when it happens."
- Woody Allen
"Unix gives you just enough rope to hang yourself -- and then a couple of more feet, just to be sure.
- Eric Allman
"Mother-in-law: A woman who destroys her son-in-law's peace of mind by giving him a piece of hers."
- Anonymous
"If it weren't for the last minute, nothing would get done."
- Anonymous
"The Jews and Arabs should sit down and settle their differences like good Christians."
- Warren Austin - US Politician and diplomat
"It's curtains for you, Mighty Mouse! This gun is so futuristic that even *I* don't know how it works!"
- from Ralph Bakshi's Mighty Mouse
"No man should marry until he has studied anatomy and dissected at least one woman."
- Honore de Balzac
"Chaos Theory is a new theory invented by scientists panicked by the thought that the public were beginning to understand the old ones."
- Mike Barfield
"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country."
- Marion Barry, Mayor, Washington, D.C.
"Thus the metric system did not really catch on in the States, unless you count the increasing popularity of the nine-millimeter bullet."
- Dave Barry
"I had no shoes and I pitied myself. Then I met a man who had no feet, so I took his shoes."
- Dave Barry
"That you, sister. May you be the mother of a bishop."
- Brendan Behan - said to the nun nursing him on his deathbed
"Happiness is good health and a bad memory."
- Ingrid Bergman
"Time is a great teacher, but unfortunately it kills all it's pupils."
- Hector Berlioz
"It gets late early out there."
- Yogi Berra
"No wonder nobody comes here--it's too crowded."
- Yogi Berra
"I date this girl for two years -- and then the nagging starts: 'I wanna know your name.'"
- Mik Binder
"I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph."
- Shirley Temple Black
"The sooner all the animals are extinct, the sooner we'll find their money."
- Ed Bluestone
"Rembrandt painted 700 pictures. Of these, 3,000 are still in existence."
- Wilhelm Bode
"Hi, this is Dan Cassidy's answering machine. Please leave your name and number ... and after I've doctored the tape, your message will implicate you in a federal crime and be brought to the attention of the FBI ... BEEEEP"
- Blue Devil Comics
"Never go to a doctor whose office plants have died. "
- Erma Bombeck
"History is the version of past events that people have decided to agree upon."
- Napoleon Bonaparte
"When in doubt, mumble; when in trouble, delegate; when in charge, ponder."
- James H. Boren
"You never see a man walking down the street with a woman who has a little pot belly and a bald spot."
- Elayne Boosler
"Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else."
- Alison Boulter
"The mark of a good party is that you wake up the next morning wanting to change your name and start a new life in a different city."
- Vance Bourjaily, "Esquire"
"Splendid couple - slept with both of them."
- Maurice Bowra - British academic - referring to a well-known literary couple
"I like the English, they have the most rigid code of immorality in the world."
- Malcolm Bradbury
"Sure, it's going to kill a lot of people, but they may be dying of something else anyway."
- Othal Brand, member of a Texas pesticide review
"The hard part about being a bartender is figuring out who is drunk and who is just stupid."
- Richard Braustein
"He who laughs last has not yet heard the bad news."
- Bertolt Brecht
"A successful man is one who can lay a firm foundation with the bricks others have thrown at him."
- David Brinkley
Bradle's Bromide:
If computers get too powerful, we can organize them into a committee -- that will do them in.
"Tragedy is if I cut my finger.
Comedy is if I walk into an open serwer and die."
- Mel Brooks
"I don't feel good."
- Luther Burbank, dying words
"The husband who doesn't tell his wife everything probably reasons that what she doesn't know won't hurt him."
- Leo J. Burke
"If opportunity doesn't knock, build a door."
- Milton Burle
"Too bad all the people that know how to run the country are busy driving taxicabs and cutting hair."
- George Burns
"Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city."
- George Burns
"Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years."
- George Burns
"Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means."
- George Burns
"First you forget names, then you forget faces. Next you forget to pull your zipper up and finally, you forget to pull it down."
- George Burns - on aging
"Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected."
- Red Buttons
"'Home, sweet home' must surely have been written by a bachelor."
- Samuel Butler
"Brigands demand your money or your life; women require both."
- Samuel Butler
"Do you know why God withheld the sense of humor from women?
That we may love you instead of laughing at you."
- Mrs. Patrick Cambell - to a man
"Know what I hate most? Rhetorical quesions"
- Henry N. Camp
"You can get more with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
- Al Capone
"When I sell liquor, it's called bootlegging; when my patrons serve it on silver trays on Lake Shore Drive, it's called hospitality."
- Al Capone
"I don't even know what street Canada is on."
- Al Capone
"They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
- Al Capone - protesting the IRS claiming large sums of unpaid back tax.
"Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac."
- George Carlin
"May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house."
- George Carlin
"As an adolescent I aspired to lasting fame, I craved factual certainty, and I thirsted for a meaningful vision of human life -- so I became a scientist. This is like becoming an archbishop so you can meet girls."
- Matt Cartmill
"Diplomacy is the art of saying "Nice doggie" until you can find a rock."
- Wynn Catlin
"I don't believe in sweeping social change being manifested by one person, unless he has an atomic weapon."
- Howard Chaykin
"The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies; probably because generally they are the same people."
- G. K. Chesterton
"I believe in getting into hot water; it keeps you clean."
- G. K. Chesterton
"The most happy marriage I can picture or imagine to myself would be the union of a deaf man to a blind woman."
- Samuel Tayler Coleridge
"The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once."
- E. Joseph Cossman
"I told my kids, "Someday, you'll have kids of your own." One of them said, "So will you.""
- Rodney Dangerfield
"I haven't spoken to my wife in years. I didn't want to interrupt her."
- Rodney Dangerfield
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watch this space for more..or you can just go watch tv0
Comments
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Here's some more as promised..(plz dont hold it against me
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"If we lose this war, I'll just start another in my wife's name."
- Moshe Dayan - Israeli General
"There are three kinds of lies: lies, damned lies, and statistics."
- Benjamin Disraeli
"Honolulu, it's got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife's mother."
- Ken Dodd
"The Internet is a gateway to get on the net."
- Bob Dole
"I just ate a whole package of Sweet Tarts and a can of Coke. I think I saw God."
- B. Hathrume Duk
"My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops to breathe."
- Jimmy Durante
"Any intelligent woman who reads the marriage contract, and then goes into it, deserves all the consequences."
- Isadora Duncan
"My work is done. Why wait?"
- George Eastman - US inventor and industrialist - Suicide note
"If the facts don't fit the theory, change the facts."
- Albert Einstein
"Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I'm not sure about the former."
- Albert Einstein
"I hate quotations. Tell me what you know."
- Ralph Waldo Emerson
"I'm returning this note to you, instead of your paper, because it (your paper) presently occupies the bottom of my bird cage."
- English Professor, Providence College
"Epperson's law:
When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at."
"I am free of all prejudices. I hate everyone equally."
- W.C. Fields
"I have spent a lot of time searching through the Bible for loopholes."
- W.C. Fields - during his last illness
"I like children. Properly cooked."
- W.C. Fields
"Obstacles are those frightful things you see when you take your eyes off your goal."
- Henry Ford
"A liberal is a man too broadminded to take his own side in a quarrel."
- Robert Frost
"How can you govern a nation which has 246 kinds of cheese?"
- Charles de Gaulle
"I believe in equality for everyone, except reporters and photographers."
- Gandhi
"Mathematicians are like Frenchmen: whatever you say to them they translate into their own language and forthwith it is something entirely different."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"Know thyself? If I knew myself, I'd run away."
- Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
"When you marry your mistress, you create a job vacancy."
- James Goldsmith - British businessman
"When we ask for advise, we are usually looking for an accomplice."
- Marquis De La Grange
"Life is a sexually transmitted terminal disease."
- Colin Greene
"History repeats itself; historians repeat each other."
- Philip Guedalla
"When a man steals your wife, there is no better revenge than to let him keep her."
- Sacha Guitry
"Some men rob you with a six-gun -- others with a fountain pen."
- Woodie Guthrie
"My mother's menu consisted of two choices: Take it or leave it."
- Buddy Hackett
"Someone told me that each equation I included in the book would halve the sales"
- Stephen Hawking - "A Brief History of Time"
"Women and cats will do as they please. Men and dogs had better get used to it."
- Robert Heinlein
"We need a president who's fluent in at least one language. "
- Buck Henry
"Dew knot trussed yore spell chequer two fined awl yore mistakes."
- Baendan Hills
"This paperback is very interesting, but I find it will never replace a hardcover book- it makes a very poor doorstop.
- Alfred Hitchcock
"I sometimes go to my own little world, but that's okay, they know me there."
- Joel Hodgson
"Blessed are the young for they shall inherit the national debt."
- Herbert Hoover
"You know you're getting old when the candles cost more than the cake."
- Bob Hope
"Cogito ergo I'm right and you're wrong."
- Blair Houghton
"In a disastrous fire in President Reagan's library, both books were destroyed. And the real tragedy is that he hadn't finished colouring one."
- Jonathan Hunt - New Zealand Politician
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- Victor Hugo - Entire telegram sent to his publishers asking how Les Miserables was selling, the reply: "!".
"One cannot make an omelette without breaking eggs -- but it is amazing how many eggs one can break without making a decent omelette."
- Prof. Charles P. Issawi0 -
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Some good ones in there. 
...lol j/k..very good Advertisement