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Letter to America

  • 08-09-2005 8:31am
    #1
    KamikazeBananze
    Closed Accounts Posts: 103 ✭✭


    This appeared in the South African newspaper The Star, under the headline "Her Majesty Hereby Dubs You British." The original link: http://www.thestar.co.za/index.php?fSectionId=225&fArticleId=2451800

    And here's the funny bit of the article (please read the article or you won't understand the context):

    "To the citizens of the United States of America:

    "In light of your failure to elect a competent president and thus to govern yourselves, we hereby give notice of the revocation of your independence, effective immediately.

    "Her Sovereign Majesty Queen Elizabeth II will resume monarchical duties over all states, commonwealths and territories (excepting Kansas, which she does not fancy).

    "Your new prime minister, Tony Blair, will appoint a governor for America without the need for further elections. Congress and the Senate will be disbanded.

    "A questionnaire may then be circulated next year to determine whether any of you noticed.

    "To aid in the transition to a British Crown Dependency, the following rules are introduced with immediate effect:

    "You should look up 'revocation' in the Oxford English Dictionary. Then look up 'aluminium' and check the pronunciation guide. You will be amazed at just how wrongly you have been pronouncing it."

    'The letter 'U' will be reinstated in words such as 'favour' and 'neighbour'.

    "Likewise, you will learn to spell 'doughnut' without skipping half the letters and the suffix 'ize' will be replaced by 'ise'.

    "Generally, you will be expected to raise your vocabulary to acceptable levels. (Look up 'vocabulary').

    "There is no such thing as 'US English'. We will let Microsoft know on your behalf.

    "You will relearn your original national anthem, God Save The Queen.

    "You will learn to resolve personal issues without using guns, lawyers or therapists.

    "The fact that you need so many lawyers and therapists shows that you're not adult enough to be independent.

    "Guns should only be handled by adults. If you're not adult enough to sort things out without suing someone or speaking to a therapist, then you're not grown up enough to handle a gun.

    "Therefore, you will no longer be allowed to own or carry anything more dangerous than a vegetable peeler. A permit will be required if you wish to carry a vegetable peeler in public.

    "All American cars are hereby banned. This is for your own good. When we show you German cars, you will understand what we mean. You will start driving on the left with immediate effect.

    "At the same time, you will go metric with immediate effect and without the benefit of conversion tables. This may help you understand the British sense of humour.

    "Hollywood will be required occasionally to cast English actors as good guys. Watching Andie MacDowell attempt English dialogue in Four Weddings and a Funeral was an experience akin to having one's ears removed with a cheese grater.

    "Those of you brave enough will, in time, be allowed to play rugby (which has some similarities to American 'football', but does not involve stopping for a rest every 20 seconds or wearing full kevlar body armour like a bunch of nancies).

    "Further, you will stop playing baseball. It is not reasonable to host an event called the 'World Series' for a game which is not played outside of America. Since only 2,1% of you are aware there is a world beyond your borders, your error is understandable.

    "You must tell us who killed JFK. It's been driving us mad.

    "An internal revenue agent (ie tax collector) from Her Majesty's Government will be with you shortly to ensure the acquisition of all monies due (backdated to 1776).

    "Thank you for your co-operation."


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