Corporal punishment?

RainyDay

Thaedydal wrote:

I have issues with constantly someone constantly telling a child she is pretty.
Puts a lot pf pressure on her to be and stay pretty as she grows up.
I don't tell my daughter she is pretty or cute, I will her she looks lovely, and
that she is smart and clever.

I some one I grew up with was constantly called pretty she was the only girl in the family and it destroyed her self image and worth when she was in a car
accident and ended up with scaring on her face as she was no longer pretty.

Being pretty or cute is a quirk of genes and age,
I think that fostering and encouraging other skills and talents is more important
in our kids then being pretty.

I don't think this logic stands up. Following your logic, we should never praise a child for being clever, in case they get dementia. We should never praise a child for playing football, in case they lose a leg etc etc. I wouldn't over-emphasise praise around looks, but it is certainly one of many areas where a parent can develop self-confidence in a child with warm, measured praise.

Talliesin

People do some pretty messed up stuff trying to stay/become "pretty" though.

Vangelis

Agree luckat!

I just got the impression that Thaedydal overreacted to my question. No offense to you Thaedydal. We all have our experiences.

My mother has constantly told me that I am pretty(she still does!). And it did not break me down because she did not expect me to look pretty. We are all different and take things differently. That's why it is so difficult raising children: There is no manual for it!

Talliesin

Vangelis wrote:

There is no manual for it!

Or rather there is, but they all disagree with each other.

(And if that Dr. Ferber nutter came within 20 feet of my kids I'd break both his kneecaps - see, I'm from the opposite side of the paradox, I don't believe in corporal punishment but I don't believe violence is always wrong either).

Wex1

You know that since I started reading/replying to this thread I've become more concious of my reactions to bad behaviour and indeed to praising re looks, though this one never really occured to me much before and is not something i overly indulge in.
I must admit, I am a lot more concious and when the two year old persisted in pinching the lady beside us at a football match today, i totally restrained myself, talked, pulled him away, tried distraction, bribary, etc. ..... And at the end of it I overheard her say to her daughter that he was a very bold child and his mother couldn't control him....... Lovely!!!!!!!!!! That would you believe is my first time hearing that about one of my kids in 10 and a half years of motherhood.... Will this be better for him in the long run, only asking, not sure of the answer

Vangelis

Wex1 wrote:

You know that since I started reading/replying to this thread I've become more concious of my reactions to bad behaviour and indeed to praising re looks, though this one never really occured to me much before and is not something i overly indulge in.
I must admit, I am a lot more concious and when the two year old persisted in pinching the lady beside us at a football match today, i totally restrained myself, talked, pulled him away, tried distraction, bribary, etc. ..... And at the end of it I overheard her say to her daughter that he was a very bold child and his mother couldn't control him....... Lovely!!!!!!!!!! That would you believe is my first time hearing that about one of my kids in 10 and a half years of motherhood.... Will this be better for him in the long run, only asking, not sure of the answer

What do you want to do about it?

luckat

Vangelis has a good point - the thing is to plan ahead. If your child is doing such a thing, what's the right thing to do? Take the child home? Don't bring it to matches any more?

Nevyn

And so the two year old learns that if he is bored or not getting his way and wants away from where he is all he has do is pinch someone or throw a strop
and he wins.

Part of teaching and rearing our kids it teaching them how to behave out in
public and at events as a football match.
Yes the two year old is a little young and sounds like he got bored
but you can't stay at home with your kids forever you do them a diservice
if you do that.

I took my 7 year old into town today, he was promised a milk shake and a
trip to the dead zoo ( aka natural history musem ) but he also had to come to
the national gallery and look at pictures.

Yes he got bored but that does not excuse a whole range of stropy behaviour
which was all aimed and upseting me or freaking me out so I would either
leave or make a sence correcting him and then leave due to embrassment.

Guess what he didn't win.
throwing a limited strop at home is permissible, ill mannered behaviour of any sort in public is not.

If we do not take our children out and teach them how to conduct themsleves in public in a varity of circumstances we do them a diservice.

Wex1 if your doing your utmost for your child then quiet frankly sod anyone
who dares open thier gob to critises.

luckat

It's kind of a tough one.

A two-year-old who's pinching a stranger is doing it for a reason - but what's the reason? Is it to do with the stranger, or is he trying to get a rise out of his mother?

I'm still wondering what's the best thing to do in this particular circumstance. One thing is to swap seats with the child, hold his hands, and so on.

But I don't know that bringing a child out of a situation where he's misbehaving means that he's won any contest that he may be imagining between himself and his parent. It might just be taking him away where he's not going to get lots of attention.

Kind of sad, though, that you don't get criticised if you give your kid a slap, but you do if you don't slap the kid!

Vangelis

luckat wrote:

Kind of sad, though, that you don't get criticised if you give your kid a slap, but you do if you don't slap the kid!

People have different manuals for raising their kids. If you don't raise your child in accordance with how another parent would(or a non-parent), you get criticised.

One thing though is that a parent should think of the best for one's child. That way, a lot of good is secured.

Irjudge1

My own particular circumstance is a father with two kids 5 and 3 y.o.. My partner is a stay at home mother since the second pregnancy, and I am a commuter so I'm not at home as much as I'd like.

I have occasionally slapped my children when I have "lost it", on occasion with more force than I should have. This reflects a lack of control on my part. The use of a slap in a premeditated fashion would still reflect my weakness as a parent that the problem cannot be resolved in some other fashion.

I try to chastise my children, when required, without any physical element at all and sometimes it is hard, and occasionally I fail. Inflicting physical pain on children is wrong.

I was slapped as a child and one or two occurances of belt being taken to me. My parents situation was stay at home mother with father away from home 3 weeks out of every four. Five children, stressful for my parents on occasion i would guess.

Was I afraid of my parents when I was a child? on occasion. Do I and did I respect my parents ? absolutely. Has it damaged our relationship? Not that I am aware of.

There were a lot of other things that went on in my childhood home that gave me reassurance that my parents were not out to hurt me. The clothed me, fed me, I got birthday/ christmas presents, when I was sick I was looked after. Slapping was a reprimand when I did wrong which was painful and carried out mostly in the heat of the moment when things were just "too much".

I know my parents love me and as I get older and have my own children it is apparent to me why my parents slapped me. There were five of us for cryin out loud not the quietest bunch around. We're only dealing with two.

Slapping isn't right but sometimes it is excusable.

luckat

Yeah, in the immortal closing line of Some Like it Hot, "Nobody's perfect".

I haven't read this book myself, but am told it's got good ways of dealing with stuff without slapping:

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1567131751/103-7394284-9763817?v=glance

The Power of Positive Parenting : A Wonderful Way to Raise Children (Paperback)
by Glenn I. Latham

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Vangelis

Stress is not excuse to slap.
Irjudge1, you probably hit your children because you were hit yourself.
It's common.

Nice input, luckat!