Losing my mind

DawnMc

Sorry in advance for this rambling thread, I'm going to throw it into cyberspace and hope some good comes of it.

I think I'm losing my mind altogether. I know it sounds horrifically dramatic but I'm serious. As many of you know from my other threads here, my Dad is very seriously ill. He has been in intensive care for the past three weeks (and numerous other occasions over the past 6 months) and I don't think I can hold it together for much longer.
I get up every morning and go to the hospital. I see my father completely comatosed and in horrible pain (he winces constantly)
I try to go about my day in a way that will help take my mind off things.
I was with my boyf and we broke up but got semi back together recently.
He wanted to take things slow for fear of 'hurting me'
I broke up with him today due to me thinking he was only with me because dad was sick.
Then I texted him a minute ago asking him to come out with me tomorrow night.
He said he would if I wanted him there
I should be graduating from college tomorrow but my exams were deferred due to dad being in intensive care also in May.
I get really upset when I think about getting my results and him not being here.
I am generally a strong person and I work in a counselling environment and yet, what kind of a role model am I to the people I work with?

I really feel like I'm going to cave soon and I'm so scared. I'm in counselling but it's not helping particularly recently.


Sorry for the long,long rant
Congrats to those who managed to read it all

Victor

DawnMc wrote:

what kind of a role model am I to the people I work with?

All I can really say is that you're human, not superhuman.

jellie

It must be a very emotional time for you, of course you'll be a bit confused. i hope it all works out ok

VOG

I am terribly sorry to hear what you have to deal with at the moment. My heart goes out to you.

Be strong, everyone has more strenght inside them than they can imagine.

dramaqueen

You are in an awful position and there is nothing that anyone can say to make it better. This is a part of your life that you are going to have to live through, unfair as it is.
Luckily for you, it sounds like you have a fabulous relationship with your dad and a great boyfriend who is there for you all the way. Don't be afraid to lean on him. He probably doesn't know what to do or say either. Worry about what happens between you when it happens and don't try to deal with too many things at once.
Don't be too hard on yourself. It's very easy to give somebody else counselling and not so easy to counsel yourself.
Good luck

DawnMc

Thank you all, I just needed to get it down on paper for a rant

Nevyn

Dawn everyone needs a break in thier routine, a time out for themselves.
You need to recharge your batteries, take a day for yourself.
So much of your life is on hold, or caught up with focued on your dad atm
as it would naturally be but if you don't look after yourself you will no
help or comfort to him or anyone else yourself included.

Take yourself off for a day trip.
Do it during the week, jump on a trian to some where,
Bray, wexford, silgo, galway.
Some where it will take about two hours to get to,
find somewhere nice to have lunch , go window shopping, buy an icecreamcone.
and then head home.

Get you and your heart, head and soul away from where your worries are
for a little while.
You can take a day for self maintence, and come back to pick them all up again.
Use the train journey to destress on the way there, and then to prepare yourslef for returning to it all on the way back.

Mind yourself
Thaed

DawnMc

Thanks Thaed, I had a day trip to Kilarney last week with my on/off boyf. His suggestion and it was really nice. I'm going to head to town today and buy a new outfit as my exam results are out today. I'd really love to go to Dublin to visit friends but am scared that something will happen to Dad while I'm gone.

maggz

You say your not coping and your finding it difficult - of course you are, you love your Dad, hes probably a role model to you.

The fact that you are able to even get out of bed every morning and go about your daily business means that you are such a strong person. At times like this every thing you do is a struggle, but you have proven that you are really really strong. Keep it up, and take each day as it comes.

king_of_inismac

Dawn,

Thats a very tough situation. Don't feel ashamed about feeling sad or emotional, it's perfectly normal. Myabe keep a diary and write down how you feel. It will make it easier to understand your emotions. Don't be afraid to share your emotions with the people that surround you, either your family or your b/f. People want to be there for you and to help you.

Dont be afraid to post here again, I think everyone here knows what its like to go through something like that..

All the best,
Martin

Faye

Dawn, having lost my Dad earlier this year, I can sympathize whole-heartedly with you. Watching a loved one die is without doubt the most traumatic experience any of us can go through. It is a life-changing situation. It alters everything. Things we once took for granted, our good judgment, our ability to think clearly, our balanced reactions to situations, these all go out the window. Time takes on a newer and incomprehensible status.

I just wanted to mention that because even though you are not the person who is ill, your own sense of self will be all over the shop at the moment. Emotions will exhaust and overwhelm you. This is not a good time to make any decision about your other relationships. Your boyfriend is your boyfriend because you and he feel for each other; see something of value in each other. Trust in that. Allow yourself to be supported for the moment.

You mentioned that you always felt yourself to be a strong person. Me too. The thing about strong people (I’m using the word strong here to cover capable and independent) is that we feel we should be able to cope with everything. Someone once said to me… being strong has nothing to do with not breaking down; it has to do with getting up afterwards. You have a hard time ahead of you but do you know what, nothing is as hard as dealing with what you are dealing with now. You will find a strength that you never knew existed and carry on – some days on your own, some days with the help and support of those that love you.

I wish you strength and calm and peace.

s4dd

Okay, painfull honesty time.

Two years ago my da became very ill.. a lump of cancerious mass was found in his bladder. His condition declined and in the middle of last year he became very ill, and at the end of november went into hospital where he'd stay till the 23rd of december when he passed away. For months going up to his hospital visit he was in constant unbearable pain.. he also lost huge amounts of weight and upon his trip to hospital slipped in and out of conciousness due to the high levels of pain killing medication and the growing levels of toxic minerals in his body that couldn't get out.

To be at home with my family (and because i ceased caring about pretty much everything) I deffered my third year of college because of this and am only starting back again tomorrow.

Now on top of this i broke up with the only girl i've ever loved the next january (three years going out). Seemed like a good idea at the time in order to sort myself out, get my head straight. Anyways.. in doing that i kinda killed any chance we had at a future. It's possibly this that still effects me the most at the moment. The pain of losing my father will never go away, but the finality and the means in which my mother "MADE" us deal with it as it happened ment the pain passed through us, became part of us and grew us as people because of it. I still miss my dad so much, but that has become part of me as apposed to being a weight on me... if that makes sense.

So DawnMc.. i guess i know how you feel. If you need someone to talk to, i can deffo make myself available. Other than that, my thoughts and wishes are with your father. I trust that the right thing will happen and know that you'll be able to cope with whatever that is.

Regards

Adblock

The pressures in life are tough, but if u really feel your going to crack, before you do anything else go to your GP. It's a wonder how many drugs they have these days. Id say a course of diazepam would sort u out. It won't drug u up, it won't make u sleepy. It will just relive that irritating feeling in the back of ur head that you are going to crack.

Anyway this is only if you really fell in a bad way. The worst thing you could do is worry or believe that you're trapped and there is no way out. Cos that's just not true.

Just a final note, Sometimes we look at people suffering from serious illness and we think "well if the doctors cant help them, what will they do if I get into trouble?" then this plays on your mind and you manage to drive yourself up the wall, but this is slightly incorrect, I can assure you only a tiny % of the population suffer from incurable mental healthy problems, and most are born with this. You won't wake up crazy; it just doesn't work that way. So relax and don't worry.

I hope your dad get better soon.

DawnMc

Thank you all, I really appreciate all your advice. Today is just particularly hard as I should be graduating from college and its so difficult waiting for my results and not being able to tell Dad as he is an incredibly intelligent man and always helped me with my course work

CathyMoran

Hya,

what is happening to you is normal, it will be a year on Thursday since my mum first got ill and I also deffered college (and will have to defer it one more year as mum has more surgery and gran is dying of cancer at the moment), certain dates get to me (such as around now)...it is hard to make real decisions at this time, so do not presurise yourself, your on/off boyfriend sounds really decent so let him be there for you. Also the idea of some you time and getting done up and looking better on the outside is good, sometimes if you pretend to smile it can turn into a real smile in no time.

Sorry if this was a mini-rant myself -realise that you are strong and be proud that you have got through this. For me my release is my friends and the church, but that is just me.

Hugs,

AC

DawnMc

Thanks very much everyone.
I had a bit of good news yesterday - got my exam results and I got a 2:2 which I'm delited with seeing as Dad was in intensive care when I was studying for and sitting the exams!
Went out with on/off boyf last nite as friends but ended up back at mine together!! He doesn't know if he wants to be with me or not. I sound like some fool staying with him but I do want to be with him and really think he wants me too. We just bug the hell out of each other sometimes

VOG

Congratulations! well done, Its a great achievment!

Femelade

Dawn,
sorry i havent ben on in ages.
i'm really sorry to hear you are having a tough time lately.
first of all congrats on the exam results, thats brilliant news.
secondly, i think u and your on/off boyfriend should really sit down and talk about where ye are headed, i think you need to know for peace of mind, if he is truly committed to the relationship or not, its not something you want to hear months down the line....
and thirdly, u have had to deal with so much in the past 6mts (more?) but i think you are coping very well under the circumstances.... yes, it is very tough and u cant keep a brave face on all the time, its good to ask for help and support from other family members and friends, and sure u know all of us boardsters are here for you.

best of luck girl.
pm me anytime, ok?

Sifo

Hey Dawn x

Chin up girl, you've managed so far without losing it...

As for your boyfriend, what's his problem? did he say whats bothering him?

this is a tough time for you, and any good boyfriend/girlfriend should be a friend first and a lover(for want of a better word) second whilst your goin through this...

DawnMc

Thank you all.
Femmy, sorry I haven't PMed in ages, things are so up in the air. Must PM you soon. Hope you well.

Thanks to eveyone for your support and advice
Dawn xxx

Kell

DawnMc wrote:

Thanks to eveyone for your support and advice

I might have missed the boat, but I took something from your first post about working in a counselling environment and feeling that you are not leading by example.

Its well documented that counsellors/pshychologists are often the last to seek professional advice when they need it because they know what they "should" be doing, but cant.

Have you thought maybe about looking for professional help to regain your strength for a while?

Well done on the exams and hope things work out for your dad.

K-

DawnMc

Thanks Kell, I actually am attending counselling at the moment and find it somewhat useful

Kell

DawnMc wrote:

Thanks Kell, I actually am attending counselling at the moment and find it somewhat useful

Hope it continues to go well for you and you make headway.

K-