College relationships

oreilly2

Heres the deal, going with a great woman for close on two years.We’ve both moved away to different colleges, anyhow shes developed a group of new friends in her new college, which is healthy however there is something that’s bugging me.
There are a gang of lads who shes mates with, says its strictly friends and they aint interested in her but im not convinced.
I know im probably overreacting but I cant stand the thought of those guys being around her on nights out when she may be a bit tipsy…and she may be missing me.
Any advice as to how I will deal with this situation?
Any experience of this?
She had none of these platonic friends at home, and I aint comfortable with the thought of them being around her…
Ugghh god I hate feeling jealous!

s4dd

talk with her, tell her your feelings. tbh, she'd probably like it a little that you're jealous. after that, she'll give you the standard "don't you TRUST me?" talk, perhaps along with a little guilt (or alot, depending on the girl) and all will continue exactly the same.

either trust your lass, or break up with her. don't leave yourself in a situation when you start to second guess her all the time.... it'll do harm to yourself, and ultimatly, to your relationship.

s4dd

Twisted_Ankle: So tis alright for someone to go out with someone and not trust them? I can see twisted insides resulting....

DAEDULUS

dont be jealous,if she does something with one of them then she didnt respect you in the first place,no big loss...

Kingp35

I used to feel the same as you when my girlfriend first went off to college. Its only a natural reaction if you ask me but then you realise that if she cheats on you then she is not worth being with in the first place so you just gotta trust her. I mean sitting at home worrying whether she is going to cheat on you or not is not gonna change anything is it. Don’t bother saying anything because you will just get the guilt trip that you don’t trust her so it turns on you.

There is nothing you can do about it mate so you just gotta trust her. Also I gotta agree if your gf is anyway good looking chances are those guys will like her. It only makes it more imoortant that you can trust her tbh

Great Baldini

Don't worry over what the lady might be doing - go out and have a good time yourself. Meet new people and enjoy your time.

Life is too short.

seamus

Most of them do fancy her. Don't be under any illusions. She probably knows of one or two that do, but is otherwise oblivious to the intentions of most of the rest.
I'm not trying to scare you here, just telling you how it is. She's not going to tell you which ones fancy her, because it would make you jealous and unhappy when she goes out with them.

Get over it. That's all I can say. Throughout her life, she is going to meet many, many other men. Some of whom won't fancy her, many of whom will. If you don't trust her, that's your problem, and your jealously will only get worse as time goes on.

chump

As seamus says... you can be sure they fancy her... a least some of them.

But there will always be people who fancy the person you're going out with... that's just the way it is... you just have to trust her or at least trust she'll tell you if something does happen, then you can kick her to touch

Bluebells

You definately need to tell her how you feel or else you will just build up into a huge ball of resentment.
You dont have to make it a big deal, just mention it when your cuddeling or in a lovey dovey conversation.
She will be sympathetic.
Let her know that you do trust her totally(even if you dont) so she wont be threatened.
I know blind trust is really hard but if she is understanding it should be ok, also keep yourself busy if shes going on a night out.

Kingp35

Bluebells wrote:

You definately need to tell her how you feel or else you will just build up into a huge ball of resentment.
You dont have to make it a big deal, just mention it when your cuddeling or in a lovey dovey conversation.
She will be sympathetic.
Let her know that you do trust her totally(even if you dont) so she wont be threatened.
I know blind trust is really hard but if she is understanding it should be ok, also keep yourself busy if shes going on a night out.

If only it was that simple. Women wll nearly all the time accuse of you of not trusting them and thus ends in an argument. the guy has nothing to worry about so he should not be feeling resentment. All he has to do is start trusting his girl

Bluebells

Yea, us girls do like our fightin'.
I think he will feel better if he says something. Communication and all that....

Red Alert

It's sometimes said that men are attracted to all of their female friends, which I suppose is partially true - i find most of not all of my female mates some way attractive, or to better rephrase it, I find none of them unattractive. I'm a taken man so to speak at the moment, and my girlfriend's from the country. Doesn't mean i'd be all that worried if she was walked home by a male friend of her's at home - i'd much rather she got home safe and sound. I've often walked female mates home if they've had too much to drink etc or are walking the same way after a night out. With one or two exceptions none of their b/f's never really batted an eyelid. Trust her, she probably trusts you!

cee_jay

This happened me when I first started college.
Started going out with a guy beginning of 6th year - he was first year in college
I was going to an all girl secondary school and everything was fine when I started college (same college as him)
I was doing engineering - which is very male oriented - so made lots of friends who were male (and female) - and went on a few nights out without him.
anyway he got very jealous and to be honest I couldn't cope with him wanting to tag along on all my nights out (before this we could go out on nights out without the other fine - nothing said).
I trusted him fine but he couldn't trust me or my new friends.
so in the end we made the decision to break up - even though I loved him still I couldn't cope with his jealousy or him staring at me anytime I was talking to one of the lads, or getting the silent treatment the following day if I had been out without him!

You have to learn to trust her - ok at the back of your mind you might still be a bit jealous - but you have to make new friends as well and enjoy your college experience.

Once you trust her, it will all become a lot easier - i know that's what it boiled down to with my ex - he felt that I had no experience of other guys and felt that if I was drunk and out with the lads that I would end up kissing them (we talked about this a couple of years later) - if he had said this to me at the time everything could have turned out a lot different!

Tell her how you are feeling and let her try to put your mind at ease - and if you can't learn to trust her, like s4dd said, break up with her - you aren't doing either of you any favours if you can't trust her

WizZard

seamus wrote:

Get over it. That's all I can say. Throughout her life, she is going to meet many, many other men. Some of whom won't fancy her, many of whom will. If you don't trust her, that's your problem, and your jealously will only get worse as time goes on.

This is a very hard lesson to learn, but one that is well worth learning.

If you are worried or insecure in your relationship (worry is natural when you're young and move away from each other) then you will thinnk that all other guys want to get into her pants (they do).
But you gotta trust her that she likes you more, and doesn't want to wreck what you have together.

nesf

I agree with Seamus and WizZard.

You need to learn to trust her. She will be around men a lot in her life (most likely anyways) and she will probably have male friends.

If you can't trust her to do this then you have a major problem to get over. People will have seperate lives and will not share every friend. If you cannot trust her when you have no reason not to, then you should be looking at yourself not her, that's where the problem lies. Trusting the other person is inherent in any relationship.

Someone who will cheat on you unless you are constantly there to watch them is not worth going out with. If they don't respect you the relationship is hardly good now is it?


I also would be of the mind that "telling her about it" is equivilant to saying outright that you don't trust her. This isn't a good thing or condusive to a rational discussion tbh.

idontknowmyname

A lot of my mates are guys but I've known them years...........it's good for girls to have a bunch of males mates to go out with cause it's a laugh and they buy you all your drink

Talk to her and tell her how you feel

Chinafoot

How about you look at it from her perspective......?

You're off in a new college too, you'll be making new friends, some of whom will no doubt be female and some of whom will no doubt fancy you.

Now imagine she turns around and tells you she feels uncomfortable with you going on a night out with these girls. You'd be a little annoyed right? You'd be annoyed that she doesnt trust you.

You'd reassure her that you love her and would never do anything to hurt her or your relationship, right?

Now why should it be any different for her?

WizZard

oreilly2 wrote:

I know im probably overreacting but I cant stand the thought of those guys being around her on nights out when she may be a bit tipsy…and she may be missing me.

Just a thought.
Would you trust yourself in these situations, truthfully? Or are you projecting your fear of you making a mistake onto her.

This happens more than you could imagine. It's similar to the "liars expect to be lied to" phenomenon

Victor

Are you cheating on her, seeing that you are away from her and might meeet females on a night out? What makes you think she might be cheating on you?