Humiliated...How to move on??

LegacyUser

I need some advice because I feel like I'm letting myself destroy my life through bitterness, shame and fear.

I'm 23, female and I live in Dublin. When I was about 19 I made some serious mistakes, and made such a fool of myself in public, that everybody saw, and I have been a complete laughing stock ever since.

It's such a unique scenario, I really can't go into details about what happend, all I will say is imagine the most humiliating scenario you could possibly ever put yourself in...imagine how your friends would re-act...that's me.

But I abused substances, was on anti-depresants, drank into blackouts everytime I went out with friends, and was kind of losing all my friends because of it anyhow. But on 1 occasion, I did something so humiliating that every "friend" I had made me feel so small and so pathetic, I litterally didn't go out for about 6 months. I slipped into deep, dark depression.

I was already kind of messed up as it was, or I wouldn't have been abusing alcohol and so on.

I was so humiliated, low on confidence, and desperate for a friend, people picked up on this, and on two occasions I was entrapped, and ritually humiliatd by a group of "old friends". Once I was invited out for a couple of drinks, and after we went to hang out at their appartment, I thought they we're being sympathetic, throwing me a life line, if they had turned to me there and then and said "Look, everyone makes mistakes, forget about it..lets move on..", my life may have taken a different path, those few small words...instead, after a couple of hours hanging out they began taking the piss and laughing so hard in my face I wished the ground would open up and swallow me.

The second time was from the same group, but different people, about 6 months later, who I had began speaking to on and off...friendly enough, again thinking a life line, they invited me for a short break to London, we were sharing Hotel rooms, on the first night, again the same thing. Except this time I was trapped in a foreign country in the same room for 3 days.

The whole trip was based around trapping me so they could humiliate me, and if you think i'm being paranoid, you didn't see the pleasure in their faces from my blatantly clear agonising pain....I just shut down, froze...I couldn't believe it, I didn't know what to do.....so i did nothing, sat there for hours of abuse, laughter....

Before I go on, the thing I did was only humiliating for me...I didn't hurt anybody, I wasn't mean to anybody.....what did I do to deserve this?

After all that, I changed courses and went to a different college. The first year was great. I made so many close friends, I did really well in my exams, everything was going perfect....Untill someone knew someone, who knew someone, that kind of thing, but the worst part was the only person who now knew about it in my new life was my very best friend in college. Me and her worked together, always went out together..sat with eachother in lectures...shared notes...she had a choice to make...Humiliate me for some cheap laughs, or turn a blind eye and forget what she had heard, and be a true friend and ackowledge I have troubles and help me....I think you see where this is going...

I wasn't so nieve this time though...I didn't hang around for the ritual humiliation again, and therefore continuing my studys became impossible.

So far this one night I humiliated myself has lost me countless friends, two college courses, my self respect and sense of dignity, I fear meeting new people, and when I do, all i can think about is when are they going to find out? I don't even wonder how will they react anymore...I think we all know what that is...I've battled through drug addiction, and my dinking, allthough infrequent, is a complete binge, often even on my own in the city centre.I have no confidence and have been misserable beyond description for four or five of the years most people refer to as the best of their lives. And I can't see it getting any better anytime soon...Should I just take my chances and kill myself now and hope there's an after life or re-incarnation..because I wouldn't mind starting over...and even if there isn't, as least I wont be thinking about this sh*t 24/7 for years on end.

Now whenever I meet anyone I know, there's one little difference about them than before...there's a little smerk on their face...they don't say anything about it...they know it, and they know I know it, but that's what they take pleasure in...people take pleasure in someone humiliating themselves becuase it makes them feel better about themselves, and if you can be the one to humilate someone, that makes them feel even bigger still...

I've lost all faith in people.....Is everyone underneath it all evil? Is there anyone who can like you because you're genuine...you may make mistakes, you may be an ass and have problems...but is there anyone out there who can just be a friend and not feel the need to boost their own ego by making you feel like sh*t?

So basicly, here is my question: How do I stop caring about what other people think? How do I hold my head up high when people laugh in my face? And how do I respond to them when I do? How do I let go of the resentment and bitterness and move on?

Thank you so much for reading this..I don't know what I'm looking for...answers? ......being able to express this without being laughed at?....Or just some kind words and encouragement?.....I don't know.

Kell

Foolish_Gurl wrote:

I wasn't so nieve this time though...I didn't hang around for the ritual humiliation again, and therefore continuing my studys became impossible.

Erm why?

Foolish_Gurl wrote:

So far this one night I humiliated myself has lost me countless friends, two college courses, my self respect and sense of dignity, I fear meeting new people, and when I do, all i can think about is when are they going to find out?

Thats a lot. Now, it would help for you to spill the beans on what it is you did, however it does strike me that the people who you used to hang around with are a shower of w*nkers. Friends slag each other off occasionally, not ritually abuse you.

I think part of the problem here is that you have allowed your own paranoia take over instead of waiting to see if people will stick around in future or not, and to some extent, I dont blame you. Would help to know what the incident was though so we can get a balanced picture of your paranoia against the brevity of the incident.

In essence though, ye, people do fúck up, but hey thats life and people should get on with it. The stuff my friends could say about me I tell you. But thats life. Happens to everyone.

If what your going through is as debilitating as you say, then professional help is the only real way to tackle the issue. Amateur pyschologists flexing their wings on the tinterweb arent really going to make too much of a dent in the problem.

Wishing you the best.

K-

AARRRGH

I don't really understand this to be honest.

Why don't you just make a new life for yourself? Move to a new part of the city (or whatever) and get new friends?

I don't understand how you are "trapped" in this cycle. Are you sure you are not the one trapping yourself in it?

I really don't get it. I know I certainly couldn't get "trapped" like you seem to be. Only YOU are responsible for your life. YOU choose your future. Maybe it's time to analyse the choices you've made which are keeping you in this weird vicious cycle?

Shivvv

Hi There

This is a really serious issue. But one you can do something about. And you've proved you can do something about it because you did it before - you started again and made new friends and developed a new social circle - and you can do that again.

The main thing you need to do is come to terms with how you feel about what ever it is that you did and face it. You need to look at why you did what you did, to examine what the events in your life that led up to you getting to the point where you did something so destructive. When you've been really honest with yourself about this and are working towards dealing with what you find out you will be able to ensure that it doesn't cause problems like this again in the future and you will feel much better about yourself.

Its really important that you understand your past actions - thats the first step in feeling good about yourself again. Because the problem is that at the moment you're believing all the bad press and things that people are saying about you.

You didn't give your new friend a chance to stand by you, and I can understand why you didn't, but if you get some strength back you can start giving people the chance to stand by you. You might even think about speaking to them about what happened before they find out from anyone else, that way they hear it from your point of view and in a proper context of what was going on for you at the time.

You've got some hard things to do but they're really do-able - the darkest hour is just before dawn and all that. What you've experienced is bullying and I've experienced this in my late-teens and early twenties too and its incredibly difficult - but you'll be fine. You're asking for help and looking at things pretty rationally. If you can afford it some counselling would help, and there are places where counsellors work for very low fees, if you want to pm me I'll tell you about some of them.

Best of luck - you've started to do something and things will change - it won't be like this forever!

Raiser

First of all, those people really were/are just small-minded, small-time sadistic w@nker$ - they should feel humiliated by their pathetic actions.

Normal, decent people should appreciate that you've moved on since & take you as they find you and also respect you for sucessfully coming out the other side and studying etc.

I don't think you are [fully] accountable for your "humiliating" actions from a time when you had major problems and substance abuse was involved, perhaps people should be assigning a portion of the blame to your situation and dependencies more than just being 100% critical of you.

Brave it out - if your past rears its head then tell folks you were having a fu(ked up time back then and be proud of yourself for moving on. Also University Campuses are to a large degree populated with immature, shallow w@nker$ - seek out the decent, good people.

Best of luck with everything.

pdunno

I don't understand what could be so humiliating to have ruined your life to such an extent?

Everyone ****s up now and again, get slagged and it's forgotten about. But you seem to be carrying this burden on your shoulders which is draggin you way down.

If it really is that bad, why don't you move elsewhere, make new friends where no-one wil;l ever hear about this thing that you've done. I mean if you're so isolated from everyone as it is, then maybe it wouldn't be such a big wrench for you to just pack up and go?

Linoge

I'm not calling you paranoid, but are you sure that them slagging you was just their way of laughing it off? Maybe what you did was a big deal and humiliating to you, but not to them. It might be a pretty menial thing to everyone else. With lads, they never let you forget about the ugly bird you were with in 3rd year (I'm not comparing your situation to that btw). Have you told any of them how you feel and how much it hurts you?

IMO, there is no way friends (old or not) would invite you to London just to slag you. Nobody goes on like that. And your new friend, you should definitely give her the benefit of the doubt. Its not fair to her either that shes going to lose you as a friend for something that you think she'll do.

I really think you should start to trust people more. Most people, especially if they're your friends, dont intentionally hurt your feelings. You should be telling them what you've written here.

And btw, dont mean to sound mean, but lose the whole killing yourself bit. Its a bit drama queenish and makes you sound like you need attention more than advice. (I know that that may be how you feel, just dont say it ) But ya have my sympathy for your situation if it makes you feel better!

seamus

pdunno wrote:

I don't understand what could be so humiliating to have ruined your life to such an extent?

Me neither.

Without knowing, I can only say that you're allowing this incident to affect you more than it shoud. Nobody's dead, nobody else's life has been ruined by what you did (I assume), so what's stopping you from just laughing it off and getting on with your life? When people get into groups and reminisc, these things come back up. I seriously doubt that your ex-mates went to all the trouble of a weekend in London, purely for the purpose of taunting you. They were having a laugh, and then someone brought up your incident. It happens, and it will continue to happen.

Again, without knowing what happened, I can only say that you're thinking about it too much. People are looking at you and thinking about what happened? Bull****. People have their own lives to get on with, your incident four years ago is the last thing on their mind.

As far as I can see it, the only person torturing you, is yourself.

Miss Fluff

People that matter don't mind, and people that mind don't matter.
Go and have some counselling to get things straight in your head. Then pick yourself up and dust yourself off and think about making a fresh start. You are way too good for these people and when you feel stronger their opinions and cruelty shouldn't affect you. Rise above it. Good luck

Oriel

I think this is a kinda of situation where you'll have say what you did and people will be able to judge better from there what advice is best - ie don't worry about it too much or a better way to start again.

dramaqueen

To be honest it's a little difficult to know what to say without knowing what you did.
I can't really imagine anything that was bad enough to leave you being mocked years later, especially if, as you say, it didn't affect anyone else.
It seems to me that you haven't let go of the humiliation yourself. Until you do, you will never be able to move on. Whatever you did, forgive yourself and if it's ever brought up again say "I know I fu(ked up when I was younger, I know it's funny now but can we just leave it!"
Part of friendship is pulling the piss. I wouldn't be surprised if your paranoia has led you to believe that they are out to get you.
The fact is that we have all done and said things that we are ashamed of. It's part of growing up. You need to acknowledge it and then leave it in the past. I bet when you forgive yourself you will be able to laugh too.
Then you can all move on.
Don't keep running away from your issue. It's part of you. It goes with you.

Maccattack

Its all about self respect. If you realise whatever you did was wrong/foolish or whatever and believe you wouldnt do it again then that is the starting point.

Forgive yourself for being stoopid. We all do stupid things. We all do embarrassing things. We all do things we arent proud of. Some people never get found out. Thats the difference.

If you can look at yourself and say. " gee i was a bit of a dill for doing that. but hey, thats in the past. There were reasons for it but im not like that anymore. I've learned from it. I want to have a good and happy life and move on from that sorry chapter"

If you can do that then you are on a winner. Thats self respect.

THEN

If I was in your position with friends etc etc. I would simply tell them to "Go and get f*cked".

It works wonders. Trust me.

The Sweeper

I think it's your own shame that's making you believe that everyone you know is laughing at you because of whatever it was you did.

If you're ashamed of yourself, you won't defend yourself. It may be a case that you're an easy target now for the people who are being horrible to you, because of how you are now, not what you did then. Some b@stards will always prey on the weak, insecure, uncertain. You hate yourself so much you believe you deserve that punishment.

I think your biggest problem is that hate you seem to have for yourself. You'll need to get past that before you can even begin to deal with other peoples opinions of you. Give yourself a break. People have more to worry about than you think, and they really don't spend as much time laughing at you as you imagine they do.

Take some time out for yourself, and concentrate on the good things. What are you good at, what do you do well, work on the aspects of yourself that you do like. And remember - everything in your life can be influenced by you. You never 'have no choice'.

Beruthiel

I am of the opinion that if you are able to laugh at yourself, then all anyone else can do is laugh with you, not at you

as for being ashamed of something you did, I doubt there's a person alive who hasn't done something they are ashamed of, be it big or small

Gilgamesh

as Ruthie said, but I also thikn that once you can laugh about this yourself, your self esteem will grow with it and you will be able to get on with your life, not worrying about your past.

btw, am not ashamed of anythign I did in the past, at least not anymore, but that could also be due to arrogance on my behalf

Pigman II

Foolish_Gurl wrote:

all I will say is imagine the most humiliating scenario you could possibly ever put yourself in...imagine how your friends would re-act...that's me.

You wanked off a pig didn't you?

First off, I find that a minority people are insecure and generally boring. As a result they do this nasty 'humour at someone elses expense' routine to make up for having a complete lack of anything worthwhile or interesting going on in their own lives. It's not imho them trying to be deliberately mean or nasty to you, its just their particular personality and way of coping with life and whilst I can explain & excuse it I make a point not to participate or indulge in such 'merriment'.

You see I have a relative in my own immediate family who goes on exactly like the people who are tormenting you and despite seeing this relative on an almost daily basis I barely have 2 words to say to them from morning to night because of their personality. To highlight what I mean I can honestly say I've never seen this relative find humour in anything that wasn't at the direct expense of someone else. It's really pathetic to watch or encounter tbh.

Coincidentally this relatives 'best friend' is exactly like you. A real doormat and the butt of all the jokes. When I read your words it was like reading theres! This friend even has an 'incident' (and a subsequent nickname as a result) that hangs around like a bad smell to this day (some 8 years later). I might feel sorry for this friend except for the fact imho all this happened (and is happening) because this friend likes to be 'comfortable' in a friendship and won't ever stick up for themself wrt their position in the dynamic. It's a symbiotic relationship between the two of them at this stage. No one can stand the oppressor and the victim hasn't the guts to stand out on their own so the two of them are stuck with each other.

You sound like you're always taking the first invite that comes trying to please the group and mould yourself into a form that suits the dynamic that has invited you and all I can tell you is that that is not the way to go. You're basically 'the child' or the 'motley jester' of the group and as such are inviting this ridicule upon yourself with your actions. In fact I'd bet right now that trying to please these people was what caused/instigated the 'unmentionable' incident in the first place!

So my advise to you is stop levitating towards every person who (as you admit yourself) 'throws you a lifeline'. These people aren't just using you for a laugh, they are using you to fill a void in their own personalities. They're sucking the life out of you to feed themselves. Be your own person and don't put up with anyone who doesn't make you enjoy your time with them. If that leaves with you no friends that so be it. It's better than what you have and truth be told you'll probably find yourself encountering new peers who are more to your liking if you ditch the dicks.

Either way tho my final bit of advise would be : stop running from your past, start being comfortable in crowd of just 1 and stop sending off these needy signals. Also whenever someone mentions "incident x" (and you know they will!) just say "Yeah, that happened, what of it?" That'll shut most people up straight away.

Stabshauptmann

I knew a girl who masterbated with a denys sausage at a house party. Someone else who shat themselves in a pub. Ppl who've been caught in very compromising positions. But I cant for the life of me imagine anything soo embarassing as to cause you this much grief. Honestly, what could be so bad.

You need a way to deal with your embarrassement not hide from it. Learn some quips and excuses. What did you actually do?

ven0m

Kaptain Redeye wrote:

I knew a girl who masterbated with a denys sausage at a house party. Someone else who shat themselves in a pub. Ppl who've been caught in very compromising positions. But I cant for the life of me imagine anything soo embarassing as to cause you this much grief. Honestly, what could be so bad.

You need a way to deal with your embarrassement not hide from it. Learn some quips and excuses. What did you actually do?

Being 'double-ended' or being made 'airtight' in public????


::: ven0mous :::

Beruthiel

quit with the guessing people
the OP would have said if they wanted you to know
B