Am I her friend or boyfriend?

LegacyUser

I've been seeing this girl for a few weeks. We are spending a lot of time together. I am being a gentleman, making her laugh, having fun with her. She wants to see me a lot.

She doesn't really like when I kiss her.
She doesn't like me touching her.
We recently spent a night in a bed together and she wore a full set of clothes and did not want me hugging her (or being near her.)
She is not really affectionate with me at all.

She suffers from depression and is a bit odd, but I am willing to accept and deal with that. I think she has some sex problems and I am willing to accept that too. But the no affection really does make me feel like "a friend".

She doesn't really have many friends so relies on me to bring her out. She also doesn't really have any money so relies of me (a bit) to pay for things (I pay for about 75%+ of things.)

Yesterday I decided to withdraw my affection (my usual kissing and hugging and holding hands etc.) to see how she would react. She knew there was something wrong and asked me (I said nothing was wrong) but she did not attempt to be affectionate with me. Finally when we were going home I could see she was very confused and she gave me a kiss goodbye (and on lips) and said something like you are very strange..

So what is going on? Am I just a friend who pays for things? It seems that way. Or are there girls out there who just don't like physical affection at all?

Confused.

(simply asking her won't get a straight answer by the way)

LegacyUser

What age are the two of you?
It would help

Fysh

Well, if she kisses you and doesn't immediately react very negatively when you kiss her, chances are you're more than a mate. Could be she's just very nervous and doesn't know what she wants to happen or how to react. Or it could be that she's lonely, but doesn't know if she wants a boyfriend - and because you're a trusted friend, you're there as a convenient source of physical affection but not as demanding as a full-on boyfriend might be.

You're going to have to tease it out of her in conversation unfortunately; by the sound of it she takes a bit to get to know, so you'd be in a better position to weasel it out of her than anyone here.

That said...it seems that she doesn't quite understand what you want from your relationship with her. Don't change how you act around her to see what happens - if neither of you is quite sure what's going on, you may find you both settle for being friends because you thought the other person wasn't interested. I know very few girls who would put up with any kind of physical contact like you describe if they were only interested in being friends, so I suspect you'll just need to talk to her about it and see what she says. Good luck with it.

fred funk }{

I would say that she likes you and wants you as her BF. She has problems and she obviously finds it difficult to open up or show affection, maybe she had a troubled or abusive childhood, or maybe she had a really bad sexual experience.

The only way to find out is to ask her. Wait until you are alone and ask her where you stand with her and that you are confused and would like to know where you stand.

is_that_so

Just wonderin.. wrote:

(simply asking her won't get a straight answer by the way)

You'd be surprised. Asking works wonders along with explaining your confusion.
I have always found the question "What is this ?" and "Are we friends or what?" can help along the path to enlightenment. Good luck Carpe diem.

Sleepy

Could be that's she's pretty inexperienced and is very unsure of how to proceed with the physical side of a relationship? Perhaps she's a virgin and needs to be reassured that you're prepared to take things as slowly as she wants? Could be a complete guess but I've seen one girl at least behave in that fashion before...

Seraphina

unless you two are really young and she's never been with any other guys before i cant really understand why she wouldn't like to be kissed or touched in any way. i know i was pretty nervous when i was first with a guy properly, so that might be why she doesn't like being touched or kissed, or perhaps if she has had a bad experience.
but you do seem to be being kinda used if you're paying for so much stuff, maybe she wants you to think you're her boyfriend so you'll spend lots of time with her and pay for her when you two go out.
you really need to talk to her about this, there's definitely something going on in her head and you need to know where you stand with her. be patient and careful about what you say, it may indeed be the case that she was abused in some way and is very frightened about getting involved with a guy.

Chucky the tree

i will let you hold my hand and hug me if you pay for 75% of the suff i buy?

I'd cut that out soon enough. If she cant afford it, its time the freeloader got a job. YOu cant really continue to be paying for all of her stuff forever.

Maybe you shouldnt always be the one to hold hands or kiss, play hard to get, the ladies love it as you found out. It will encourage her to make the effort.

Personnally i would ask her straight out, and stop paying for all of her stuff. Especially since yous arent even going out together. If i had a girlfriend i wouldnt even pay for 75% of the things. So you definitly shouldnt be doing it for just a "mate".

FX Meister

She sounds like she has loads of emotional problems. If she can't afford stuff and you have to pay them just don't do that stuff. Get out while you still can, she's not going to change any time soon.

pickarooney

What exactly are you getting out if this?
You're making her laugh and cheering her up
You're paying for everything
You're making the romantic overtures, such as they are

And?

Victor

Am I her friend or boyfriend?

Perhaps you are somewhere in between?

She seems like shes a little bit confused and nervous of the journey you are both on. Perhaps she needs a bit of mental hand holding and patience, but if things don't go anywhere, I don't think anyone would blame you for moving on.

Perhaps its time for you to have a discussion about what boyfriends and girlfriend do and whether she is your girlfriend.

Regarding money, I don't think theres a problem with the older or more financially capable person paying more, once there is some balance - "I'll get the cinema tickets, you get the drinks." I would however question a situation where it is all one-way.

panda100

I think some people are quite affectionate while others are not.I always find it difficult to do the whole hugging kissing thing cos i was always quite shy and not to experienced with guys.I still am very unafffectionate.its just the way i am cos i find it quite embarrasing and shy to be intimate like kissing someone.I dont think it has a reflection on you.it is probably just her specially suffering from depression she is probably used to shutting people out.Just be as honest and open with her and ask her if its ok if u can hug and kiss her.

Mr.Nice Guy

You're her friend. It's clear that she's decided to grudgingly settle for you.

Withdrawing your affection was smart. It will force her to assess where you stand with her.

If I were you I would go one step further by showing attention towards other girls to see how she responds.

Don't let this girl get you down.

Blondie86Star

You're her friend.
I hug and kiss my male friends all the time.(not score)
Was it a peck on the lips she gave u.

I sleep in the same bed as my friends 2, fully clothed...I honestly think ther'es a really good friendship between you
Hope it helps

DAEDULUS

this girl is playin you..
shes probably not attracted to you but since shes in a financial mess and has someone close by that is willing to play daddy for a little kiss now and then,why wouldnt she abuse it? next time you go out with her for coffee or whatever,flat out refuse to pay for her stuff,if she pulls a fit,that should confirm things..if she doesnt,then maybe shes just a looper...

Tobias Greeshman

Ask her flat out whats the story with the two of ye, If she wants a relationship out of this or just a friendship.

And for gods sake stop paying for her when your out.

Dave

Yeah you're asking the wrong people here mate. Ask her, you've really got to find out where you stand. Enough of this pussyfooting about.

Beruthiel

Am I her friend or boyfriend?

we don't know
ask her

Kali

Ask her, alternatively if you're a pussy then score some other girl and see how she reacts.

Khannie

A few people have suggested showing attention to other women to see how she reacts, but I'd suggest not doing this if she's suffering from depression.

To me it sounds like you're just friends though. You say you've kissed, but no tongues I take it? That to me is what crosses the line from friend to more than friend. Also, please do give both your ages.

DAEDULUS

I dont really believe this is an 'ask her' situation, you can see from the 'she kissed me when i stopped paying attention to her' bit that this girl is really trying to milk the situation and doesnt want you to stop buyin her things,she probably relies on your money a little bit and I wouldnt be supprised at all if she took it up a notch once you ask her about the situation,just to keep you around.. she did it once when she kissed you,she'l do it again..

dramaqueen

Maybe she is just not an affectionate person.
But as she is the only one who really knows you will have to just ask her straight out.
If she can't give you an answer, walk away.
You need to know where you stand.

irlirishkev

Um, don't take this the wrong way, but where is she from?

A friend of mine went out with a girl from Russia, and had the exact same problem. It was a long time before she returned his affections. I really don't want to generalise, but if she's from a different cultural background, then that's all it might be, a different culture, where the guy does all the spending. The fact that she's not being very forthcoming with affection may not mean much at all from where she's concerned.

If she's Irish or whatever then ignore the above.. oh and before anyone jumps on what I've said and starts calling me racist or whatever, that's just the way it is in some places.

But to be honest, if you really want to know, just ask her.

Kevin.

LegacyUser

Hi Everybody

Thank you for the replies.

To answer your questions: we are both mid twenties. She is not a virgin. I am Irish, she is foreign.

Well, I met her tonight for a drink or two and forced her to have a proper chat with me. It was difficult but I finally got some answers from her -

She does not want a boyfriend, so if she has to choose I am a friend only.
She accepts we act more like boyfriend/girlfriend than friends.
She told me she sees me differently now than when she did when we first met.

I learnt a bit about her -

All her ex-boyfriends (except for one) are bastards. Her ex-boyfriend actually had another girlfriend (pregnant!) while they were together. He was 10 years older and a neo-nazi.

I guess this means she normally chooses bastards, and the fact that I was nice to her (tried to make her happy, tried to make her laugh, tried to make her life simple) is not what she's used to (for the record, I'm no nerd.)

So I told her well what can I do? You may as well just go home. I do not want to be with someone who in three months feels nothing for me, and I am in love with...

She went home. I went to the pub. Now I am at home.

She has texted me a few times telling me she is sorry and she hopes I don't hate her. But it is obvious this girl has serious issues. She is not ready for a relationship. She does not know her own self. She does not know what she wants.

Even though I know all this, and I know the obvious/intelligent thing to do is to run away as fast as possible, unfortunately my emotions are complex...

I just hope in a few weeks I can forget about her...

Thanks all for the advice. I really appreciate it. I would appreciate it if you could also comment on my post above.

Red Alert

at least you know all this now, which is easier than not knowing it. you will have to decide whether you want to pursue a relationship with her, which at the moment she won't do, or whether you'd prefer a friendship with her. if you go for friendship, think about how it might affect your relationships with other women - some may be a bit wary of your 'friendship' with this woman.

Tobias Greeshman

Fair play to you for being upfront and honest with this girl about your feelings, not many would be. In all fairness this girl is a bit messed up, and is no way ready for any serious relationship with anybody.

I dont think that a friendship will be possible either as your 'in love with her' and would just wreck with your head not being able to be with her, and what if she meets someone else? Trust me it'll drive you insane. IMO until you are over this girl, its going to be a bad idea to have any sort of serious contact with her, even though you'd like to.

lordgoat

I think you did the write thing, and you got a conclusion, which is so much better than not knowing, even though i'm sure it wasn't what you hoped for.

Next time.

pdunno

Again like was said before, you did the right thing asking her exactly where you stood with her. At least now you have some closure on things and hopefully you can put it behind you a little and move on.

I hope after all this you realise that it's not the type of situation you need to be in and at the end of the day you deserve more. The only healer in this type of situation is time I'm afraid, best to get on with your own life and try to forget about the past.

Good luck

Zulu

Good man. You did the right thing, hard and all as it may be.
It's our actions that define who we are, and our most honest actions, are the ones we make when we are down. It sounds like you handled the situation as best anyone could; you should be proud of yourself. Sorry the result wasn't more positive.