Pretty Children

mountainyman

I have a girl who is quite pretty, she often gets praised for this.
luckat's point (in a different discussion) about praise based methods of influencing children's behaviour raised this issue specifically.

IN fairness prettyness carries with it a body of related attributes (in the child's mind). Goodness, kindness etc. an d she seeks and responds to praise for these behaviours.

Never the less is this a problem and how should it be addressed.

I have to admit this hasn't occurred to me before.

luckat

Don't knock it! Good-looking people get more chances in life, and often do better.

Just think of good looks as a talent, like charm, intelligence or the ability to add up your bank balance without thinking twice about it.

If other people praise her good looks, well, it's nice for her. But when you're praising her yourself, maybe it should be for her own small or large tangible achievements, rather than what God gave her!

Nevyn

Make sure you start praising her for the other things she does.
Her toughtfullness, her kindness, her willing to help.
What ever gifts or skill she has.
Tell her she is wonderfull instead of pretty.
There are many ways to compliment your child and let them know you love
and appreciate them with refering to her looks.

luckat

Also, it's good to praise for *tangible achievements*. So rather than praising a child for a quality, praise something she does.

"You folded your T-shirt so well!"

"Your bedside table looks so neat - did you do that?"

"You got six of your spellings right! You're getting better every day!"

And the odd Smartie added to the praise does no harm either.

Vangelis

I'm surprised at how you write your posts as if you know the only and correct answer. You may have more experience than me of course - I'm childfree. But I can't repress my reaction... :eek:

luckat

Not my intention, Vangelis.

Victor

Do these people talk of other, ugly, kids?

Yes, being pretty is an advantage but the problem with pretty people is they sometimes try to rely on their looks as a means of seeking additional, undeserved treatment. This sometimes / often results in them having unrealistic expectations and underachieving in other areas of life. See "stupid blonde".

mountainyman

I would say that luckat offers a range of ideas. Certainly not the '1 right answer'.

I don't think it would be very nice to single out other children for being ugly. But with some kids one avoids the subject of looks.

As for stupid blondes; plenty of people are stupid, brunettes, redheads, blacks whites and indians.

Victor

mountainyman wrote:

As for stupid blondes; plenty of people are stupid, brunettes, redheads, blacks whites and indians.

My point isn't about blondes, its about people who have been given and accept an easy life because they are "pretty"

mountainyman

Most people accept an easy life if they can get it. Kelly Brook isn't blonde, Jenny Powell isn't blonde (she's mixed race for God's sake). Both are very good looking and really really dumb.

RainyDay

Thaedydal wrote:

Make sure you start praising her for the other things she does.
Her toughtfullness, her kindness, her willing to help.
What ever gifts or skill she has.
Tell her she is wonderfull instead of pretty.
There are many ways to compliment your child and let them know you love
and appreciate them with refering to her looks.

Why would you want to avoid referring to her looks? I wouldn't like to see too much emphasis on looks, but it is important that a child builds up self-confidence. Avoiding any mention of looks may well instil doubts & concerns, particularly as she hits teenage years.

Nevyn

I would not omitt occasional compliments esp if my little on had just finished
getting dressed and is twriling about in a dress but they would not be the only
complement from me to her nor the first that I would as praise or an expression of love.

Khannie

I'd focus on other stuff first too. I think it's important to avoid building up the looks thing too much.....kids can look less gorgeous in their teenage years because of spots etc. and you could be building them up for some big disappointment at a time that they're already having it rough.

Also, god forbid they should get some scarring or whatever, but it would make stuff like that more difficult to deal with.

Oryx

Tis the world we live in, were obsessed with looks and body beautiful and you arent going to change that. Sure, let your daughter know shes cute, but emphasise that isnt the most important thing about her. If she is pretty plenty of other people are going to tell her this even if you dont (and she may deveop a complex if you dont :rolleyes: ) so its important to make sure she understands its superficial and its her personality, achievements and regard for others that counts.

Vangelis

What if parents never tell their children that they are pretty?
They might start believing that they are ugly then. Things like this cannot be predicted. No matter how good morals you have. :mad:

Victor

Vangelis wrote:

What if parents never tell their children that they are pretty?
They might start believing that they are ugly then. Things like this cannot be predicted. No matter how good morals you have. :mad:

Parent: "Child 1, you are very pretty."
Parent: "Child 2, thats a nice coat."

Parent: "Child 1, you are very pretty."
Parent: "Child 2, congratulations on winning the race."

Parent: "Child 1, you are very pretty."
Parent: "Child 2, well done in the exam."

Sooner or later, child 1 starts to think "pretty" is either the only important thing in life or the only thing they are good at and that pretty gets you places.

Child 2, while getting more balanced responses begins to wonder "how come I'm never told I'm pretty?"

RainyDay

Victor wrote:

Parent: "Child 1, you are very pretty."
Parent: "Child 2, thats a nice coat."

Parent: "Child 1, you are very pretty."
Parent: "Child 2, congratulations on winning the race."

Parent: "Child 1, you are very pretty."
Parent: "Child 2, well done in the exam."

Sooner or later, child 1 starts to think "pretty" is either the only important thing in life or the only thing they are good at and that pretty gets you places.

Child 2, while getting more balanced responses begins to wonder "how come I'm never told I'm pretty?"

Hi Victor - I don't think anyone is suggesting this kind of scenario, where there is exclusive over-emphasis on prettiness. But there is nothing wrong with including prettiness along with the coat/race/exam when praising.

mountainyman

Thanks guys, I don't bang on about how pretty she is all the time. The other thing my mum is a 'witch' (good witch obviously) and she tells her that she is an angel child and this sort of thing.

Which I suppose is better than saying that she is a devil child which is what my mum said to me...

luckat

Been thinking about this, and what we actually do with kids.

I think most of us kind of croon on to small kids all the time anyway - "oooh, you're so gorgeous, you're so pretty, you're so handsome, you're so tough, so lovely, so bright" - and there's no harm in that.

But when it comes to actual *praise*, I think (and it's only one opinion!) that we do more good when we praise kids for *things that are within their control*.

I mean, they can't help it if they're in possession of unearthly beauty or have buck teeth and thick glasses. Nothing to do with them really, it's the hand they've been dealt.

But they can help it if they actually achieve something through their own efforts. It may be quite a small thing - saying thank you or putting their knife and fork straight together on the plate when they're finished their meal or wiping their own nose or learning the first half of the shoelace knot - but *they've* done it.

I think it's better to praise kids for this - something they've done themselves, a real, concrete achievement. But *praise* is different from cosseting and general verbal petting of children - which is only a normal part of knowing one's gorgeous and appreciated!

RainyDay

luckat wrote:

Been thinking about this, and what we actually do with kids.

I think most of us kind of croon on to small kids all the time anyway - "oooh, you're so gorgeous, you're so pretty, you're so handsome, you're so tough, so lovely, so bright" - and there's no harm in that.

But when it comes to actual *praise*, I think (and it's only one opinion!) that we do more good when we praise kids for *things that are within their control*.

I mean, they can't help it if they're in possession of unearthly beauty or have buck teeth and thick glasses. Nothing to do with them really, it's the hand they've been dealt.

But they can help it if they actually achieve something through their own efforts. It may be quite a small thing - saying thank you or putting their knife and fork straight together on the plate when they're finished their meal or wiping their own nose or learning the first half of the shoelace knot - but *they've* done it.

I think it's better to praise kids for this - something they've done themselves, a real, concrete achievement. But *praise* is different from cosseting and general verbal petting of children - which is only a normal part of knowing one's gorgeous and appreciated!

Fully agree- Best description I heard for this approach was 'Catch em doing something right'.

Vangelis

Victor, do you have experience or data to support that scenario?

Victor

Vangelis wrote:

Victor, do you have experience or data to support that scenario?

33 years of dealing with women.

I'm sorry but the vast majority of experience has been that the "pretty ones" often rely on their looks to get them by, whereas everybody else buckles down and works for it. Its not absolute, but their is a distinct pattern.

Maybe I'm just a bitter old man.

Vangelis

Victor, I think your age is the problem.

Vangelis

What if you child shows up in her new dress and asks "Mommy, do I look pretty?"

Mommy says: "No, you're ugly!"

Duh!

Maccattack

My kids are very good looking as well. I/we tell them all the time.

How on earth could praise be bad?

I tell my nieces and nephews they are beautiful all the time as well. good for the ol confidence you know. Kids need as much praise and confidence as they can get.

Tell them often.

Victor

Maccattack wrote:

My kids are very good looking as well.

I saw a teenage girl in a wheelchair this evening. Her feet twisted at an odd angle, her neck not able to hold her head up for more than about 5 seconds at a time, her hair constantly falling into her face. I felt awkward looking at her, but not sorrow or pity. She was at least able to present

Now, superficially (and it is all superficial), she did have a pretty face, and was dressed smartly, but her form differed from the stereotype of "pretty" or "athletic". What does one say to such a child?

How will children reconcile the standard version of pretty with another teenager I saw today, who was a burns victim with skin graft on his cheeks and eyebrows (the middle section of each eyebrow missing, but all ends intact).

How does this contrast with the official photos I saw from a fashion show (well I saw a few from 2000, as they were being picked for a magazine). Agency models with top Irish agencies (Crompton & Assets), some too thin to be healthy, another her spots still visible though an inch and a half of make-up.

Maccattack

What exactly are you asking Victor???

mayhem#

mountainyman wrote:

Never the less is this a problem and how should it be addressed.

What problem?

E.