30 year old virgin

Man1975

I’m 30, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never even had a one night stand. I really can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I do have a sex drive, and I’m attracted to women not men. I ache for intimacy, for that close friendship, and yes, sometimes I’m just sexually frustrated too. I’m pretty shy, and not particularly gorgeous or charming, but shier, uglier, duller men seem to find their match. I think I’m pretty normal in other ways, have mates and always get on well with everyone I work with. I’ve had friendships with girls, but they never develop into anything more.
Anyone have suggestions? Anyone know a psychologist or other professional who can help? Do any of you women know someone like me, and know what makes some men just non-starters?

Beruthiel

Man1975 wrote:

I ache for intimacy

this comment stands out as the reason you're probably not able to score - I'm afraid women can sense desperation from across the room, don't ask me how, it just always seems obvious and most women will run from it.
Might I suggest that you stop trying so hard, just chat to women like their a mate

I’ve had friendships with girls, but they never develop into anything more.


what have you done to try and change it from friendship?
have you asked them out on a date?
being shy doesn't help, you need to work on your confidence. Once you start seeing women like human beings, like your mates, it should come easier for you

Sleepy

I'm guessing a lack of confidence or a lack of trying. I've only ever "accidently" woken up beside someone a couple of times and even those would be times where I've just gotten drunk and gone off the instincts developed from chatting up women in the past.

Try to approach new women in a way that lets them know that you *are* a sexual being, not just someone who can be a brotherly friend. It may sound daft but you can let a woman know this purely with your eyes, smile at her in a way that says "I'm going to be giving you orgasms later!" and you'll find you end up in the "friend zone" less and as a potential partner more. Obviously don't do that the whole night or she'll think you're a sex-crazed freak but if she cracks a joke that has a racy punchline or makes a double-entendre etc, smile at her in that fashion.

That said, I've been single quite a while myself now so you might want to take my advice with a pinch of salt!

LegacyUser

Beruthiel wrote:

this comment stands out as the reason you're probably not able to score - I'm afraid women can sense desperation from across the room, don't ask me how, it just always seems obvious and most women will run from it.

Very true, its taking me years to figure out that you all have ESP ;o) Its amazing that most times you make too much effort with a girl you're going home alone.

pdunno

I think you need to up your confidence a little and not be afraid of being turned down once in a while. As Beruthial asked

"what have you done to try and change it from friendship?"

I think this is a very important aspect, you have to actually make some effort, it's not as though if you sit in a corner a string of women will come up dying to make love to you. It's all about talking to people, making an effort and chancing your arm once in a while!!

Red Alert

the fact that you ache for intimacy is what's obvious to women, like B said. it looks like you're desperate or that you're going to get with them and cling there for ever. for the record how far exactly have you got with anybody?

i first scored someone in my very late teens - i met one of the girls from my class in the pub and she brought two of her mates along, K and L. I knew K from before, but i'd never met L. i wasn't remotely thinking about scoring anyone that evening, which was a change from a run of 'crash and burn' weeks since the term started. i was talking to L for a while on her own 'cos the other two bumped into someone they knew. we all decided to finish up the night with shots, so myself and L were quite trashed by this stage so aisling tells me to make sure L gets home and "have fun on the way"! well myself and L only made it as far as the little wall at the estate entrance and sat there for about an hour chatting about this and that, and then i guess it just happened. went out with the gang and L a couple more times, never got into a relationship but still it's a good memory!

the point of my not-unusual first score story is that although i realised i was gettin a bit old compared to some of the other lads so this was worrying me a bit, i didn't go out that night with the intention of trying desperately to kiss or have sex with anybody. whatever aisling might or might not have said to L in the ladies about me is an open question. of course i thought L was attractive but we weren't talking about any lovey-dovey stuff at all in the pub.

also, relationships and sex/intimacy are related but not totally dependent. it's not clear to me from your post whether you're in fact looking for a one-night stand or a relationship - are you looking in the right place for what you want?

Man1975

Thanks all for that advice: it’s very constructive, and I’ll try to use it.
I seem to be in a catch-22 situation: if women found me attractive I would be confident. If I had a sexual partner I would not be desperate. But it’s hard to be confident when I evidently repel women, and it’s hard not to be desperate when I have twenty years of sexual frustration inside.
Also, I’m not sure whether I’m too forward and desperate, or too timid and passive. I don’t know if I’m treating women too much like mates and seeming non-sexual, or treating them too much like potential sexual partners and coming across as desperate. Of course, it’s a lot to ask you to tell me which I’m doing wrong from my posts. Maybe I don’t make my intentions clear to women, but then it’s hard to shrug off rejections when confidence is pretty low already.
When I say I ache, I mean that I really need to do something about my situation: some people like being on their own, but I don’t. I don’t know how clearly that comes across in day-to-day conversation.
On the one hand, I’m told to see women like my mates, on the other I’m told they have an inexplicable sixth sense.
The fact that I’m having trouble making sense of the replies from females is, of course, a symptom of my disease.
Anyway, thanks again, I’ll reflect on what you say, and further advice very welcome.

Khannie

Riddle me this: Would you feel better about yourself if you scored a one night stand?

One suggestion I'd offer is to ask your mates for some advice. They may have noticed you do something / don't to something that people here will never know from your posts.

As a general rule, when you're single and going out on a night out, make sure you're well dressed and smell nice. Looking good makes you feel good which increases confidence. Have several sets of nice clothes if you can afford to.
Also, and this may be overstepping the mark, but consider "sorting yourself out" before you go out. That way you're not going out with a loaded gun.

dramaqueen

If you find yourself stuck in limbo between friendship and desperation, I suggest you clear up the confusion. If you fancy someone, say so. It doesn't have to be clingy. I don't know any girl who doesn't like to be told that she's desirable. It doesn't have to be a pressure if you say it right.
I would also suggest joining a dating agency. At least there everyone is on the same page.
What's the worst that could happen????????

Kell

A mate of mine is in a similr situation, but it doesnt seem to bother him.

Anyways- I see your predicament ref being unable to read the signals if you have never taken anything any further. The other way to look at it is to try it on with everything that moves (in the nicest possible way of course and while absolutely sober). You'll figure out the signals and might just surprise yourself with the results.

Make it obvious that you are actually chatting the person up but keep a smile on your face that says "if I dont get anywhere it'll be no skin off my nose". Also saves you from getting into the lamentable "friend" category, though they can be good breeding grounds for future relationships too if you push the boat out.

K-

chern0byl

dramaqueen wrote:

I don't know any girl who doesn't like to be told that she's desirable.

Depends who its coming from.If she doesnt find you remotely attractive then she wont like it. If you make a comment like "your sexy" and walk off, it wont matter whos saying it to her, but it will keep her interested.

dramaqueen

chern0byl wrote:

Depends who its coming from.If she doesnt find you remotely attractive then she wont like it. If you make a comment like "your sexy" and walk off, it wont matter whos saying it to her, but it will keep her interested.

I totally agree. That's what I mean by

It doesn't have to be a pressure if you say it right.

Even if you don't fancy the guy, it's always nice to think that someone fancies you. (As long as he's not slimy around you!)

Adblock

The answer to all lifes problems can be fixed by TV.

RTE 2 Tuesday at 10.30pm
KARL SPAIN WANTS A WOMAN

he might give you some ideas on speed dating and stuff
thats what u need speed dating.

+ dont let it bother you too much, its not the end of the world.

cheer up, come on give us a smile, always look on the birght side of life do do de de doo

6th

Bit shouldnt get a bad response on here but i get surprised on boards everyday!

Try a dating site like maybefriends.com, a close friend of mine did it, met some great women, its nice to go to a place (be it virtual) where there are people looking to meet people with the idea in their heads that they'd like a relationship to come out of it.

Saying that (and to clear up for those of you who think "Close friend bollox" 6th is talking about himself!) i was lucky in love, met a great girl when i was 15 became reallly good friends, 13 years later we are married 2 years with a cute little 14month old.

I just dont think a pub or club is the best place to meet someone for a longterm relationship (if thats even what ur looking for). Get social ....... or just pay for it and get that hurdle out of the way.

6th

Pigman II

Man1975 wrote:

I’m 30, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never even had a one night stand. I really can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I do have a sex drive, and I’m attracted to women not men. I ache for intimacy, for that close friendship, and yes, sometimes I’m just sexually frustrated too. I’m pretty shy, and not particularly gorgeous or charming, but shier, uglier, duller men seem to find their match.

I think you have to ask yourself "how much have I actually done over the past 15 years or so to join the foot high club?" From your post I'm guessing probably very little - but only you know the answer to that.

As for shier uglier men you'll probably find they are either a) trying harder than you or b) landing women who you might deem 'less than attractive' or unnacceptable so it's no great achievement on their part.

I think I’m pretty normal in other ways, have mates and always get on well with everyone I work with. I’ve had friendships with girls, but they never develop into anything more.

Once again have you actually made many concerted efforts to make something happen or are you just sitting there waiting for something to happen? Women (although they'd like to think they can ) cannot read a mans mind and invariably won't profess their interest in you until you have shown them first that you are also interested. Until that point I'm afraid you'll have lots of female friends.

roo1981

Dont take this as a joke but pick up a book called the lay guide, itl answer most of your questions and give you some hints on how to go about sorting yourself out. Its a good read!

Motley Crue

could you get a friend to set you up?

maybe try go out to a place that you know is gonna be full of women and jus expect nothing to happen. that way, if you get a one night stand, you wont have worried about it not happening, if that makes sense.

just relax, and take it easy, i was 20 b4 i lost mine and i know thats 10 yrs b4 u but believe me it was late from where my friends were all coming from

LegacyUser

Well to the OP, I have 5 years on you. I'm 35 and still a virgin. I see that film coming out about the 40 year old virgin and it's just one big laugh.

I know precisely why I'm still a virgin.

1. I don't go out a lot
2. When I do get friendly with a woman, I never get beyond the friendship stage because subconciously I'm afraid of what she will think of a man with no sexual experience at my age.
3. I'm emotionally distant. I don't have many friends as a result of this. I don't like people to see the real me who is a happy go lucky quirky person. Circumstances in my life have dictated that I be sensible and responsible and serious. I'm so long in that role that I can't change it at this stage.

I reckon for you the relationships aren't developing into anything more because you don't want them to for some reason. I suspect you know the answer to why if you really delve deep. At 30, you should know yourself well enough to know such reasons.

Is it that you might be afraid you won't be able to perform and satisfy the woman?

Is it for the reason I have (a sense of fear of what the woman will think of me being a virgin)

Do you find men in any way attractive? Have you ever watched gay porn and been sexually aroused for example? You made a point of saying you are attracted to women, why did you feel you had to say that? It's just a question...

Are you living with someone? Maybe you feel in the place you currently are that you can't bring a girl back for the night? Could that be the issue.

So for me, a 35 year old virgin, over the past year or so I've just decided to forget about having a relationship. I don't think it's going to happen for me and I try not to let it get to me. Yeah, there are times when I come back to the house in the evening and would love to tell that someone special in my life how the day went, share a hug and a kiss and do all the lovey dovey stuff. Yeah, there are times where I've gone to bed at night and cried myself to sleep and bet myself up over why I'm not like everyone else.

So my advice to you is that since you have an active social life (unlike me), and you have a circle of friends (unlike me), there is no reason why you shouldn't be making more progress. I therefore suggest you look at the possible reason for your situation that I gave earlier and see if there is anything that strikes a chord.

MikeTyson

hmm touchy subject. dont start thinking u cant get a girl anyway. if ur not the best looking just go for a girl thats some way alrite. go to clubs get langers and ask a girl for sex u know it cud happen like this.. in limerick anyway it could

base2

Maybe give up discussing you virginity on the internet? I suspect girls wouldnt find that too attractive.

the_syco

Get your female friends to set you up. Seemingly women like doing that sort of thing. Good luck, and as Beruthiel said, girls can smell your desperation like dogs can smell fear, so relax, chill, and go forth

Oh, and wack off before you go. There'll be less testosterone in your system then, thus you'll be more at ease, and able to talk easier.

DAEDULUS

you could always try doing something about it...
try reading some online dating book,it would help you...the ways to getting women is so counter intuitive that 90% of men need to be told...you shouldnt be ashamed :P

Man1975

There's an interesting mix of responses here because maybe there are two issues: getting laid and not being alone. It would be nice to just go to a niteclub and get laid, but no, I'm not able to just walk up to a woman in a situation like that, so I suppose I've answered the question as to why no 1 night stands: too shy. Also, as one guy guessed, I'm anxious about performance: a girl expecting to leave a club for a night of passionate love making would be quite disappointed to discover she has to play teacher for some novice.
It would be nice to just 'join the club' and in darker moments I've thought about paying for it, but then I wouldn't be a virgin, I'd be a guy who has to pay for it, which I think is worse.
On the deeper relationship thing (which actually concerns me just as much) on reflection maybe I don't try hard enough, and that's the problem rather than the aura of desperation.
The furthest I've got? Physically, a snog with someone I fell into (almost literally) in a club. Also a snog with a 'friend' who wouldn't return my calls after that (long story). Emotionally, a friend with whom I talked over the 'going out with' thing, and who was thinking about it but couldn't make the leap.
I've tried dating (internet, blind) but in the six or seven experiences there's never been anything: again, maybe I don't try hard enough.
From all the posts cumulatively, I sense there's a kind of knack to this business, seeming nonchalant and indifferent, but also giving looks and smiles that show you're keen; some kind of signals between eagerness and desperation that I haven't mastered. Does that sound right? It's kind of annoying you have to play a game, rather than just be frank with each other, but if they're the rules I'll just have to play by them.
Thanks again to all those who made constructive suggestions here.

chump

I'd say there's a fair portion of 30year old virgins to be honest... I wouldn't let it get you down.

I think that basically once you get a bit of confidence you'll never look back.
To do that maybe you do need to pay for a bit of loving
Or maybe you need to get absolutely smashed one night, ideally just on drink, but drugs as well if you need the extra kick and score some random chick. Take her home, or somewhere, and stick it in

And yall never look back...

Le Rack

base2 wrote:

Maybe give up discussing you virginity on the internet? I suspect girls wouldnt find that too attractive.

Despite the fact he's in as a guest?

OP don't worry about, it too much, you seem to be stressing ove it, just relax and make an aim of making more female friends, some peoplejust naturally get on better with members of the oppisite sex but others need to work on, keep on truckin hun and you'll be fine!

And don't put youself down, eg, "I obviously repel women" or something like that... if you think you're looking good give into it, women love confidence but be careful not to go to the extreme of cockiness.

As for "Rules of the Game", eye contact, smiling, winking, accidentally bumping into someone, apologising, you see some nice girl at the bar, offer to buy her a drink, just start with really small, gestures and then work from there. Don't worry about being shy, it takes a lot of balls to jsut talk to someone you've never seen before, but often it's well worth it!

And the eye contact lark does work, it can be a slow process but it works!

jonny68

the_syco wrote:

Oh, and wack off before you go. There'll be less testosterone in your system then, thus you'll be more at ease, and able to talk easier.

LOL quality

Pigman II

jonny68 wrote:

LOL quality

Not to mention quantity.

Cuddlesworth

You would need to grow a pair first.

dudara

krazy_8s wrote:

You would need to grow a pair first.

Constructive replies krazy_8s, or I ban you.

dudara

shoutman

there are some well freeky birds out there,
so if you get desperate stick an add in buy and sell or some other type of magazine/paper advertising that you are a 30 yr old virgin who needs a teacher.....
it could blosum into love marriage and 3.2 children a dog called fido and a white picket fence

chern0byl

the_syco wrote:

Oh, and wack off before you go. There'll be less testosterone in your system then, thus you'll be more at ease, and able to talk easier.

The guy cant even approach a woman so testosterone levels are not an issue. I dont believe in that anyways.

krazy_8s wrote:

You would need to grow a pair first.

Not the best way to say it, but you do need to develop them and start approaching strangers. Yes, right now you dont have the confidence and will for the most part be a mumbling fool, look stupid and want to die but how else will you progress these skills?

So you make an arse of yourself but its not like you will have day to day dealings with these people. Use strangers. Think of them as helping you out. Dont approach any woman with the intention of anything more than some conversation. You will develop the other skills in time.

Charles Bronson

Save some money. Go to holland. F**K a Pro. You will feel much better to get rid of the virgin tag that is holding you back.

Sorted.

Laguna

Charles Bronson wrote:

Save some money. Go to holland. F**K a Pro. You will feel much better to get rid of the virgin tag that is holding you back.

Sorted.

Come on now. What kind of a response is this?, the man said he wants an intimate relationship, not a quick ride and a STI.

Don't worry OP, I think the only advice I can give is I have no advice, there's no real quick fix solution to your problem, no amount of replies on here will change your "Methods". In the future, when you meet a new female friend, just simply ask her on a date, it doesn't have to mean you'll get married to her, it'll help you feel more comfortable on the breaking the ice issue and the date could literally just be that, a date!, a meal, a movie, nothing special, you don't even have to follow up on it, men and women who have platonic relationships can still go for a meal together. When you've gotten comfortable with asking women out on a simple date, you'll find yourself totally at ease in asking someone who you'd like to get to know better on a date etc., only then you can worry about finding an intimate relationship with someone, take baby steps!, don't expect it to all happen overnight.

woodenpoint

Finding a mate is the hardest thing anybody ever does in life. There are no easy routes to take or any quick fixes. You might try the online personals or one of the personals in a local paper. And tell your friends that you are looking for a girlfriend. Let anybody help you that will try. But be aware that when you do find someone that interests you that they might like you for a friend or sex but still not want you for a long term relationship. As for being a virgin at your age, I am over 40 and meeting someone that is still a virgin wouldn't bother me. Sex is good when it's between 2 people that are willing to teach each other. Just because a person has had sex before does NOT mean they know all the tricks or that they are good at it. Don't give up. Try everything.

Woody

_Turismo4

wrote:

I’m 30, I’ve never had a girlfriend, and never even had a one night stand. I really can’t figure out what’s wrong with me. I do have a sex drive, and I’m attracted to women not men. I ache for intimacy, for that close friendship, and yes, sometimes I’m just sexually frustrated too. I’m pretty shy, and not particularly gorgeous or charming, but shier, uglier, duller men seem to find their match. I think I’m pretty normal in other ways, have mates and always get on well with everyone I work with. I’ve had friendships with girls, but they never develop into anything more.

Join some kind of club, one that you have an interest in, that’s a good way to meet new people.
I suggest a sports club, and make sure they have - social events.

Cuddlesworth

krazy_8s wrote:

You would need to grow a pair first.

What I meant to say is that women smell fear. And if you never work up the balls to talk to women your going to remain a virgin. Who wants to spend the rest of their lives with somebody who cant admit to women that all he wants is some sexual healing. And spouting that shy guy crap is just a cop out.

What I did when I was in your position (albeit at the ripe age of 20) was a boomhower. I walked around supermarkets, on buses and in takeaways and tried to get into every single pair of attractive panties I could find. After the first week it started to work. Thats because after the first 100 rejections I could not sink any lower.

My 2 cents.

Hmm_Messiah

Hi

I only browsed throught this so might be repeating somethign or missing something.

From what I've read in your posts I think mate you have simply been unlucky. Not lacking in anything particularly, just things haven't gone the way they do most often.

You want to change that: set down what you want and try achieve the easier ones.

Say you want : a partner, to have sex, to have dated some one, snooged some one, be less shy, be happier in yourself etc etc

Well there is a progressiont here isn't there. Maybe go out a bit more, or join things where you interact with peopel. Push yourself a little more; go to bed happier the day you say "god that was scary but at least I said something"
decide which things are the obstacles to others and then treat them first.

If your virginity is seen by u as an obstacle in a major way then lose it; prostiture, some one looking for a shag on buy and sell, identify that its not your "preferred" way but somethign you need to do.


Regarding your in experience and that being a drawback. See this and other things as having two sides. Imagine you meet a woman who cherishes the idea of being the only woman you were with ? Or some one who finds fulfilment in "teaching" you.

I once fell madly terribly in love, and because sex had magickal significance to me, we were both regretting that we'd not either found each other sooner, or not been virgins etc.

And yes, there are many many people in the same situation. IF nothing else you could aim to make yourself as easy to approach as possbile by any woman in the same circumstance as yourself


PAX

Victor

Charles Bronson wrote:

Save some money. Go to holland. F**K a Pro.

Come back. Feel like crap.

LegacyUser

Just try man, you'll succeed one day. I'm 23, still a virgin, but it don't bother me that much as i am in the process of rebuildiing my confidence, had a few mishaps in the past and some 'almosts' but i keep the faith and know it'll happen one day. You gotta get out and break out of the shyness shell, women won't come to you, you gotta go for them but don't go like some sex starved freak, they'll know it. I've been chatting up a hottie lately, most likely it won't happen as shes definetly more mature then my green ass, but i still persavere and try. Unless you do something, it most likely won't happen. I know of only one mate to whom a bird came straight into his hands and hes happy as.. but it most likely won't happen that way for you.

mikeruurds

Hey there

I was a 26 year old virgin by personal choice. I just preferred not to shag every girl I could. It just wasn't for me. I preferred to wait for my wife and it was worth the wait. I've been married for almost two years now and am enjoying myself immensely :cool: .

If you'd prefer to wait for the right one to come along then don't feel like you're some kind of outcast for waiting. You're not alone. If, however, you really want to sow your oats but can't seem to find any willing volunteers then there are other alternatives. Most importantly you need to be true to yourself. If you want to wait, then wait and forget about the hecklers. If you are desperate then do something about it.

I think this situation is a very personal one and I'm not about to give you clear instruction. I just don't think that being a 30 year old virgin means that you have some kind of mental affliction.

Good luck mate.

1234567890

How about trying an online sollution? If anything it will help your confidence talking to women in the way you want too. But as it has been said previously in this thread, don't act desperate or come on too strong. When i look for a girl the main attractive feature is their personality. And that works both ways. Women, more often than men look for personality. The friends that you have like you for who you are and any potential partner will be the same. A relationship starts from friendship and works its way from there. Don't give up!

Idbatterim

Dont worry OP! If the 40 year old virgin can DO IT so can you!

Japonica

Just wondering how you are with touching females (in a non provocative way)? If this scares you why not try dancing class for both male or females. Its a great way to meet prople and become relaxed with the opposite sex and have the confidence to ask girls to dance. Its etiquette that a girl accepts. Just a suggestion.....

Also, maybe do some people watching. Watch what works for your friends and mirror this????

The main thing I would say is to have belief in yourself. Best of Luck and keep us posted with your progresss

Man1975

Maybe I should start a new thread, but anyway...
Since reading posts here I realise you have to do lots with your eyes to connect with women (or people in general), and lately I've been trying to practise, but I can't hold someone's eye. As soon as I think about trying to flirt with someone I do know a bit, I become painfully embarrassed, my brain siezes up, the eyes go down, and awkward silence ensues. I tried to practise on random people, but it's a reflex reaction to look away as soon as eye contact is made with a stranger, and my heart starts pounding when I try to force myself to hold a look. And smiling at someone I like is way too hard: the best I can manage across a crowded room is a pained grin. Do you know what I mean?
I appreciate you've got to have confidence, and not be shy if you want to get anywhere, but can anyone suggest HOW one might reverse fundamental traits deeply ingrained over years?

Shivvv

base2 wrote:

Maybe give up discussing you virginity on the internet? I suspect girls wouldnt find that too attractive.

Hmmm..... I actually think its really attractive! I'm in my early 30's and wouldn't be a bit disgusted to meet a 30 year old virgin - on the contrary!!

Enii

Think you should attempt to start a relationship rather than dive in and try lose your virginity. There are a few steps that you are missing to get to this point. Maybe try Internet dating www.themeetingpoint.ie or joining a club or something to meet women.

ando

Man1975 wrote:

can anyone suggest HOW one might reverse fundamental traits deeply ingrained over years?

its like a phobia, you just need to practice and desensitize yourself from it

Zillah

Man1975 wrote:

As soon as I think about trying to flirt with someone

Oh my God thats sucha bad idea. Flirting isn't something that you turn on or off. It'll happen all on its own if theres a chemistry between you and them. If there isnt chemistry, and you force it anyway, thenll it be creepy and get awkward.