Extermination (Graphic) Opinions welcome.

TerrorFirmer

This story was originally tied in with my last post, but over time, the two became different stories altogether with minor adaptations. This isn't overly graphic, but my sister found it a bit disturbing, so just so you know, it has the potential to disturb...Let me know what you think. This is section one. An introduction if you will. For now, you can take your own meaning from it, I can update it here if anyone wishes to read more.

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"He's dead Deribhle," I say simply, my face unchanging as she clings to me in terror, tears streaming down her grimy face. I detatch myself from her embrace and stalk forward, covering my mouth with a blood stained hand in an effort to block out the smoke and dust that's swirling around the thick, damp air. I crouch down at his face, watching carefully.

"Saanker, can you hear me?" I ask slowly, already knowing he can, and equally knowing he doesn't recognise the voice.

His mouth opens and closes methodically. It reminds me of the time when I was younger, and my goldfish died when I was out for the day. I came back to find him floating on the water, his mouth opening and closing, a sort of dying breath, if such a thing exists for a fish. And here I was, in front of my best friend, witnessing his dying breath.

For the second time.

His eyes open and focus on me, but his mouth keeps on opening and closing, opening and closing. His googles are gone, and the fierce dirt blowing around him is cutting his eyes to ribbons. Thin trickles of blood snake down his face from milky white eyes. Still he stares at me, but I don't think he sees me, rather, he's staring past me. He's probably blind by now, after being out here so long by himself, but all the same I wouldn't bet on it.

I look at the rest of his body, half buried under the loose rubble and rocks, and drifts of dirty sand. One leg is bent at an akward angle, jutting out from beneath a rock, splashed with gouts of long dried crimson gore. The other is simply not there, crushed beneath a large boulder. His chest is laced with shrapnel wounds and underneath his uniform I can see chunks of destroyed body armour and mangled flesh.

I raise my googles over my helmet, and squint my eyes. I extend a hand and shake his arm lightly, but there's nothing. His mouth continues to open and close; his eyes continue to stare at me. I glance back at Deirbhle, but she's facing away, bitterly staring into the wind, her back towards me. I look back at Saanker. I lean slightly forward, and slowly withdraw my knife, grimacing as the sound of the rusty blade sliding out of its sheath tingles in my eardrum.

I poke him once in the cheekbone, feeling hard, decomposing matter instead of soft flesh. The effect is immediate. His mouth stops moving and stretches wide open, and I can see almost at once the blackness of his teeth and the decaying mess of inside his face. His eyes seem to focus, and almost immediately, he lets out a terrifice high pitched screech that sends me reeling in terror. A sickening smell assaults my nostrils, and I can almost taste crude burning rubber in my dry mouth. I wheel backwards on my ass, glancing instinctively at Deribhle. She looks at me, mouth agap, frozen in position.

I get up and crawl forward, hesitating momentarily as Saanker slightly raises his torso as much as his shattered body will allow and squirms, screeching once more and he raises his broken fingers into the air and stares at them before fixing his gaze once more on me. I regain my composure and leap forward, land on top of my best friend, and plunge the rusty blade to the hilt into his rotting neck.

I stagger backwards immediately, collasping as I try to catch my suddenly ragged breath. I feel the beginnings of a throb in my eyes and instinctively snap my protective googles back over my face. I can vaguely hear Deirbhle screaming, but I stare with a sick fascination at Saanker.

He reaches out and raggedly tugs the blade out his neck, his mouth open in a scream, but all that comes out is a horrific whistling sounds as thick, rotting crimson gore pours out of the wound in clumps. It takes several seconds before he collaspes back into his concrete grave. Within seconds I loose sight of his lifeless corpse, swallowed up in the increasingly heavy dirt storm.

"Deirbhle, weapon." I say officially, without looking behind me. An automatic shotgun is planted in front of me, and I take it and pump it, before getting to my feet and walking tactically towards Saanker. He's still lying there, and it almost takes me by surprise, as if I expected him to somehow escape, or even dissappear into thin air.

He's still there, and the wound has stopped oozing, but and whats more, his mouth is still opening and closing.

"Sorry buddy," I say casually, before pointing the gun at his face and blowing it apart.

I half turn to Deirbhle and toss her the gun, before bending down to retrieve Saankers tags. They are caught within the mangled remains of his face, and it takes me a second to free them with my hands. I polish the tags with my gloves, study them briefly and put them safely into a pocket.

I walk over to where Deirbhle stands, wipe my hands on my dusty pants and after an inital silence, plant a firm hand on her shoulder. Neither of us say anything, but she knows, and she nods.

jimmidy_cricket

Thats fantastic, much better than the last piece you did..way more vivid, way more easy to read and therefore much more enjoyable. The last story ye posted I had suggested you use the five sences to paint a more lucid picture i see here that you include them..all of them..in one paragraph

MobileInfantry wrote:

he lets out a terrifice high pitched screech (sound) that sends me reeling in terror. A sickening smell assaults my nostrils (smell), and I can almost taste crude burning rubber in my dry mouth (taste). I wheel backwards on my ass (feel/touch), glancing (sight) instinctively at Deribhle. She looks at me, mouth agap, frozen in position.

Is that you taking the piss outta my advise or am I just being paro?

Shad0r

yeah very well written, and thats saying something since usually speaking I dislike prose written in the tenses you're using. I would love to read more.

Also, please throw the full piece on the forum for the writers group/eZine if you'd like it published there...

Fenian

I liked it MobileInfantry, I also liked your previous post.
Just one question, why did "you" stab your friend in the neck before shooting him? Surely killing him with the one buck shot is more humane then stabbing him in the neck before you shoot him, or am I missing something?

ctrl-alt-delete

i didnt read the previous post, i liked this one, didnt fully understand it though (probably because i didnt read the other one) but that didnt stop me enjoying it, well written, well done

TerrorFirmer

I've been working on the next part of this. It will be up very shortly...

Shador, can you PM me the website agan please? I've been so damn busy as of late, had no time to write anything unfortunately. Should be more active for the next few days.

Thanks for the feedback...

Goodshape

Nice piece MI. Although it seemed more like you were taking out an extreamly hard to kill bad guy than mercy killing your best friend. Like blowing apart a terminator or some such thing.

TerrorFirmer

Goodshape wrote:

Although it seemed more like you were taking out an extreamly hard to kill bad guy than mercy killing your best friend. Like blowing apart a terminator or some such thing.

All aspects of this will be revealed soon. In a flippin annoying sequel paragraph that I keep rewriting, and rewriting, and taking apart.....but it's up and running...as we speak in fact.