i dont know what to think anymore

spacenk

with my ex- boyfreind 7 years and we split up five months ago. he changed when he moved country i think.

long story short- weve always loved each other so intensely and pasionately. When we broke up i was so angry and lonely i went and slept with a few people, i felt so empty inside i think- it was fun- but i cant see me falling in love with anyone or replacing him at all. I told him i was seeing people, obviously he was annoyed but he knew i had hinted at working stuff out but he didnt take me up on it- i think he was also annoyed and he was hurt that i had left him. Everytime we met up- there was so much rage and anger, wed start off looking lovingly at each other and or of us would end up storming off. Usually me.

During that period, he asked me to come back home, but i believed it was half hearted so i didnt go back. Plus i believed certain things wouldnt change. He also asked me on holiday whichi refused. After that, he sent texts and mails to say he missed me and thinking of me every day- i replied with abuse.

I think he got fed up, and i did too. I went back home for a few adys and found two more texts saying he thinks about me/worries about me all the time. I called him a few days later and it turns out he kissed someone in a club the weekend before and would probably see her again cos she was a nice person. I questioned him, probably had no right- im not necessarily jealous- i dont know why? but i just feel sad.

Today he sends texts admitting i had moved alot to be with him and bascially admitting that he took me for granted this last year - and that he knows i put my heart and soul into this- and that he should have committed but he didnt.

I dont know whether this is it-and to leave it at this because i know we both still love each other so much- maybe he needs more space- maybe he needs to go out with someone else i dont know..i could see us working out but it would require a commitment form both and prob even some counselling cos we ripped each other apart this last few months

dramaqueen

Sometimes there is just too much passion in a relationship and when it goes sour, it is horrible.
I've been there and eventually you will have to walk away.
Once you have reached the stage that you are hurting each other so intensely, there is no coming back.
But it's hard. There is a gaping hole left in your life, which is why you keep going back to each other. But it's only making it worse.
You have to make a decision and keep to it.
If you decide to give it another go, start with a clean slate and a list of things that you expect and that you won't tolerate. Stick to the list.
Respect each others differences. The fact that both of you have been with other people will be tough to get over.
Sometimes the excitement and drama that comes with that level of passion, is too exhausting for anything long term.
When a flame burns that hot and that fast, it eventually goes out. What you're left with is what you have now. Bitterness and hurt.
I think that you should accept that maybe things will never be good again between you. Either way they will never be the same. Maybe it could move into something deeper and more sustainable who knows?
Maybe it should be left on the shelf where it belongs among your other memories of incredible experiences that you have had. Don't ever regret it, but don't continue to make the same mistake over and over again.
It's ok to want to be happy and contented, and it's ok to not want that much drama in your life.
Sometimes it's even ok to not want to fight with someone, and to just get along.
good luck with the decision

AARRRGH

From your post it sounds like you were the one being particularily bad to him, trying to push him away, trying to make life difficult for him, etc. Would that be a fair analysis?

Why were you doing that? What has genuinely changed inside you since then?

spacenk

thanks alot for your long post drama queen- it makes common sense i think. Part of me feels after some space that perhaps it could move into something deeper and more stable and as u put it sustainable. I think he needs to want that though for anything to happen. i dont want to push him into things he isnt ready for or doesnt want. i think i need to be sure also that i will be happy as i dont want to be fighting or him to take me for granted. I think he needs to make a proper commitment to us and i will also if thats the choice we make.

You are correct about the passion, sometimes our friends loved and hated being around us, beacuse we are so burning.. but then it cant be all there is after this long- there is more to us, but i would of liked to develop the more stable side to us.

spacenk

dublin dude- without getting into the blame game we both did wrong stuff to each other- he admitted he neglected me and took me for granted. Often i would sit in our house in the new country and he would just spend 24/7 with his mates- and he was taking other girls numbers and mails that i knew he liked. He basically had problems with putting boundaries in his life and with other people. Some of the things he did were things that i didnt want to be around anymore - social drugs/partying non-stop. I just felt like it wasnt the correct direction to be heading. I apprecaite he is an individual but he admittedly says at 30 that he could of done things alot better and i deserved to know where this was heading after 7 years.

I did push him away- this is right- but it was the hardest thing i ever had to do, to leave him. i was weeks mulling it over in my mind. I just dont know where to go from here really- he says he doesnt want to lose me out of his life, as a mate, but when i push him he says that he has deep feelings for me, so we cant be mates?

dramaqueen

Yeah it's horrible when you go out for the evening and everyone knows that at some point you will be over in the corner arguing.
I reached a point when I just didn't want to fight anymore.
When being in a relationship causes you more hardship than joy, I guess it's time to look after yourself.
I feel for you cos it's the hardest place to be in.
Nowadays I look back fondly and am glad that I experienced it. But I could never go back.
Sometimes two people just bring the worst out in each other.
It's hard, but true.

spacenk

maybe youre right drama Q

maybe itl'l never work. most of my rows with him were just to get him to stop being an a**hole when he is out, sometimes he is unintentionally absent-minded and rude and he defo likes to drink alot. In fact, before i met him i never really drank as much, when i was around him i felt like we either set in or went to the pub.

We came to a new city- a new life - we should have been out seeing things together! everyone of my friends and family think he needs to grow up. But i just wasnt prepared to wait around another 7 years for that to happen.

I am not perfect- i prob nagged him alot, but i suppose i wanted a partner that i could have fun with and spend time with. isnt that normal?

AthAnRi

Hey spacenk,

Sorry to hear about your troubles. But you do seem like a fairly intelligent girl so I'd imagine that you will figure it out on your own. Plus problems like these tend to have a way of sorting themselves out.

At the moment the problem is you need closure I think. It seems like ye both think the same way but that ye have both changed as people(as people always do) but in this case we have not changed together.

Just remember that the chinese symbol for crisis is a two part symbol the first part meaning danger and the second meaning oppurtunity. This may be an oppurtunity for you?

The Clown Man

I know I went through a horrible break up with my ex of 5 years. What happened during the break was so intense that I could never have gone back. I was too hurt. Also, and she wouldn't move out of my house and was already in a new relationship while living with me and sleeping with me the whole time. And as far as I was concerned by the end of it I believed that she cooked and ate babies and was second cousin to Satan.

Having said that, if you are both 30 then I think you might be capable of being a little more mature than we were. In fairness, something like what you are doing would probably bring him back down to earth with a bang and I'd say he really is re-thinking his whole life stratagy. At 30 by the sounds of things he should be! The sudden loss of security and the daunting possibility of solitude will have no doubt sparked a few doubts about his general priorities in life.

I'm sure you'll have all sorts here saying "You go girlfrnd! you dont need him!" and "You have your whole life to find someone right!" and all this but in fairness, if you went out with him for 7 years you were probably on to something.

If he just was having problems accepting the fact that he's all grown up and that was the real issue for you then that he can change. If he is so intent on getting you back maybe he realises this. A lot of guys simply hate to admit that they are all grown up. But a solid kick in the ass usually rights that.

Only thing I would worry about is that either of you have gone too far. Will he be able to forgive you and will you be able to forgive him? If not forget about it.

Unless of course, you just wanted out anyway. Was it just his immaturity that was bothering you or do you genuinely not see yourself with him in 20 years time? Was your bother constant or was it something that hits you every now and then.

Anyway, in the end of the day it's up to you. You'll probably know what you want anyway but having other people tell you things that don't apply and things that dont matter and things that are just pure rubbish will bring it out for you!

spacenk

hi clownman- i think that he is going through a crisis of sorts- he says he has lots of stuff to sort out and is even considering moving out of the house he shares with his mates cos he is sick of the 'constant partying' as he puts it.

So i do think its his general confusion and the kick in the ass as u put it, is needed. as far as us having problems - we were always different & we did row but we were so close the rows didnt last long. All my problems with him are down to his immaturity - the over the top laddish ways/ the boozing etc etc. nothing wrong with that but he is either in a rel or not- he obviously couldnt decide so i had to make that decision for him. He took me for granted alot and he is what i call selfish. I am four years younger than he is.

People can say 'go girl 'etc but my feelings will take a while to go away and sha*ging other guys and casual flings arent necessarily the answer. I have a feeling he doensnt really want anyone else but he feels he has to go through the motions to prove nobody else can make him happier- but cest la vie. If thats what he wants i cant stop him. But i think the more he does that - i may not even be around

dramaqueen

Unfortunately alot of people think the best way to get someone out of their system is to move onto a load of other people. Part of this is to hurt you and part of it is to be close to someone. Whatever his reasons are, they are his problem.
You need to focus on yourself now. As I said this is a tough place to be in, but I bet once you make your decision you will feel a weight being lifted from your shoulders. In your gut you already know what you want to do but you are fighting it because you aren't ready to let go.
Look ahead to a day when you don't feel this horrible stress in your life and you are with someone who doesn't make loving them hard.
It's going to be a while before you can face the idea of being with someone else, but just keep it in your head that someday you will feel better about this.
Whatever doesn't kill us, makes us stronger.