antidepressant friend and a boy.HELP!!!!

chuci

i need a bit of advice. i have given some before to this person and well i think she took it well but now that there is boy involved its all become a bit messsed up. anyway my friend is and can get very depressed about six months ago she started going out with this guy who she thought was wonderful and invited myself and a friend along to meet him. on our inspection he seemed like a really decent chap and it was obvious that the girl had fallen head over heals for him and him about her. well so we thought.......!things were running smoothly enough for the first three months or so he knew all bout her depression that has been running from the age of12 to now(shes 20) with her giving me regular updates as i couldnt see her as much as i liked with both of us working etc.

so got a text one day saying he broke up with her and she couldnt fig out why.and she couldnt seem to fig it out and why did he say he loved etc etc the usual Q's you ask yourself when a relationship ends. after consulting with other friends who were also in contact with her it seemed the reason was clear was that she didnt want to give up her flower(she has good morals).at this point should prob tell you he is26 and put off going to austrailia to spend time with her and expected gratitude in return which he didnt get and got annoyed.

got another text last weekend saying they were back being friends and she ended up sleeping with him on her birthday.so at the moment they are pretty much fcuk buddies i guess though he tells her he loves her(austrailia trip is back on for jan).according to her he said that if they stayed together it would be too hard to leave though they hang out all the time and yet he is able to tell her he loves her and is able to sleep with her.it may just be the cynic in me and everything but i cannot see any good comming of this at all and she will only get hurt. he also promised her that they would be together when he gets back from his little trip down under. i told her she cannot expect that after a yr apart they cant expect that they will just fall back into the way they are now she seemed to accept that it was a possibility.

anyway as an outsider looking in i just want to make her see reason and not to depend on the guy so much for her happiness.any suggestions on how to handle to situation without hurting her feelings?or should i just leave well alone and stand idle?

any suggestions wolud be greatly appreciated thanks,chuci xxx

indie

i know you feel like you have to look after her cause of the situation with the depression and all but at the end of the day she is 20 and has to learn to make her own mistakes. it will probably be one to and as her mate u have to be there to help pick up the pieces and reassure her. love doesnt listen to anybody!!

chuci

true i know but she is preety niave and well i kinda feel like i have to protect her because she trusted me this problem does that make sense?

indie

it totally makes sense im a young girl myself and it helps to have good helpful friends about but we also wont listen to our helpful friends if we dont like what they are saying we'll jus block it out until it actually makes sense and the situation has gone sour

chuci

i know when i was in a bad situation with and old boyfriend i didnt pay attention o anyone. i mean im 19 but i feel like i have to protect her kinda dont want to see her ill again it so hard

cregser

Could you break up you first post? It's fookin impossible to read.

Hmmm, you make it sound like he is just using her for sex. And all your info is from txt messages from friends of friends? Maybe the Ozzy trip means a lot to him. He did stay with her for 3months respecting her wishes before he lost patience (what would you expect from a 26yr old?). He probably thinks sex is a vital part of any normal relationship (isn't it?).

If you care about your friend I think you should find out more about this guy to see if he's the scum of the earth or just a guy with a sex drive who likes your friend and has also being planning a trip to Oz for a long time.

Also, I would say that when he does go to Oz, take your friend out as much as u can. Show her a good time and (hopefully from her self confidence from her current relationship) subtly show her that other guys are out there and would be interested in her. So if the worst comes to the worst, she may see the light and move on.

g'em

she's a good friend, but its her life, and at this stage its all a v steep learning curve. best thing is to just be there for her, give her a shoulder to cry on if needed, and support her as best you can (even if you know she's making some mistakes). don't judge, don't say 'i told you so' and take her mind off her worries when the time comes for him to go. he will go, she will be heartbroken, but she'll get over it. we all do.

your concern for her shows how much she means to you, make sure she knows how much you care.

chuci

i donjt thhink that he is scum of the earth at all. im just worried about my friend and dont want her to relapse as she has done so well over the last year to get her back on track.i just think that if someone is able to sleep with you and tell you that they love you that they should assertain some respect for the other persons feelings, esp because of her illness.cant really help being biased consdering she is my friend and all.and iv no doubt that this trip means a lot to him and dont blame him for going at all.just think he is goindg about it the wrong way by giving her false hope about the future since neither of them are fortune tellers.

dramaqueen

I know you mean well, but you are not helping her by trying to protect her from every bad thing that could happen to her. Life is full of hard lessons and bad experiences. Whilst, as her friend, you love her and want to help her, you have to realise that you can't live her life for her. Nor should she be shielded from hurt. How else will she learn to deal with it in a healthier way.
She trusted you with her illness. Now stop making allowances for it. Stop treating her like a baby and let her get on with her life.
Just because she has this illness doesn't mean that you should treat her differently from your other friends. That's a little bit patronizing. Though it's obvious that it's not meant that way.
This guy hasn't done anything wrong at all. He loves her, he treats her well and he has a life. He doesn't seem to be giving her a special allowance because she suffers from depression and nor should you.
If it goes sour, be there to pick up the pieces. Don't try to prevent her from enjoying herself now, just in case she gets hurt. What's the point in not experiencing life just in case something bad happens?
As her friend it's your job to be there for her, to give advice when you are asked for it and to support her decisions regardless, even if you don't agree!
You have told her how you feel, now accept that it's her life and she must make her own decisions.

Dizzyblabla

chuci wrote:

since neither of them are fortune tellers.

and neither are you. Who knows, he may head off, have a laugh and then come back and pick up where they left off, stranger things have happened!
maybe they are only fcuk buddies, but if he makes her happy now, then leet it lie, she knows he going to Oz and can prepare for his leaving, let him go on good terms, chances are she'll forget about him after a few months anyway!!

cregser

^ Yeah.

And I don't think it was obvious from above, but you sound like a good friend and it's great that you think/worry about her. Just restrain yourself a bit.

chuci wrote:

i just think that if someone is able to sleep with you and tell you that they love you...

Try to see things from the guy's perspective. I don't think you realise that in general (I know it's not as black and white as this but) guys don't associate sex with strong feelings. It's not that we're cold and uncaring, it's just the way we're built. Men are designed to have sex with as many women as possible. While women are designed to latch onto one guy - because they get stuck with the baby (so sex has an emotional attachment).

Now, when this guy says he loves your friend, he probably means it. When he has sex, he probably feels a deep emotional connection with her. Then again, it's also possible that he's using her for sex. Because guys don't have to love someone to want to have sex with them. I'm saying this because sex seems to have big meaning to you and your friend. Just understand that it's not the same to him.