change

LegacyUser

can someone change theres a guy i like i know he likes me but he has a bit of a past hes selfharmed, done drugs, everyone things hes trouble but hes never been anything but decent and respectful around me..
should i get involved?

Illegal Alien

That depends....I mean nobody does these things unless they're in a vunrable, insecure, or depressed place.

But that's not his fault if he is, but he needs to handle it better, and maybe you can help him do that. But you would need to ask him about the self harm and drugs, why does he do it? Is he still doing it? Tell him you like him, you want to help him, but not unless he's willing to give all that stuff up.

Don't worry what other people think, your opinion on any given subject is all that matters.

ARGINITE

Unagain wrote:

selfharmed, done drugs, everyone things hes trouble

If he has sorted this stuff out and isn't trouble any more then I dont see the problem with going out with him, otherwise steer clear.

Pjays

It will bring trouble if he is still involved with drugs and stuff. it is very easy to get caught up in it all even if you try to avoid it. what i will say is do what you feel is right but just be aware you have the consequences to deal with if something happens.

Victor

You can't change him. Let him change first, then think about dating him.

Capt'n Midnight

Unagain wrote:

can someone change theres a guy i like i know he likes me but he has a bit of a past hes selfharmed, done drugs, everyone things hes trouble

Unagain wrote:

but hes never been anything but decent and respectful around me..
should i get involved?

of course he will be decent and respectful around you, this unfortunately proves nothing. All 6 billion of us are decent and respectful around people we want to impress. If the change is only since you've started liking each other then it is no indication of what he will be like when the "honeymoon period" is over.

You could ask others who know him if there has been any real lasting change beforehand.

If they think he is still trouble then stay away. It ain't worth it because you can't change someone, even if you could they might resent it !

nobodythere

If it's all in his past then no biggie at all.

nesf

If it's in his past and he's dealt with it then there really shouldn't be a problem.

If he's still at it, then I'd have a serious think about it tbh. It may be worth it to be with them, but nearly all the time it will not be.

melekalikimaka

Victor wrote:

You can't change him. Let him change first, then think about dating him.

how do you mean she can't change him?

ferdi

it depends what drugs and in what quantities/proportions...

if he's doing gear or crack i'd steer clear.

Victor

Victor wrote:

You can't change him. Let him change first, then think about dating him.

melekalikimaka wrote:

how do you mean she can't change him?

Some women think they can take a rough stone and turn it into a diamond.

WhiteWashMan

Unagain wrote:

can someone change theres a guy i like i know he likes me but he has a bit of a past hes selfharmed, done drugs, everyone things hes trouble but hes never been anything but decent and respectful around me..
should i get involved?

if youre only criteria for getting involved with someone is that they are decent, then i think you need to get yourself some more tick-boxes!

personally, id say no. far too much baggage and hassle. and you never know, all those things you mentioned may still be ongoing.

there are plenty of guys out thre who are decent and respectful, that dont do drugs, dont cut etc.

im sure hes a lovely guy, and everyone deserves a chance, but are you looking for someone to nurse, or someone to have a relationship with?

galwaydude18

Ask him about it. if hes not doing it anymore then fire ahead. U'v nothing to lose by trying. You might be suprised at what the outcome maybe! He might turn out to be your night in shining armour and ye will end up getting married, having kids and all that stuff... Absolutly nothing to lose by trying.

I don't agree with what WWM said about "far too much baggage and hassle". Would you like someone to say that about your sister or brother if they self harmed and did drugs but may or may not be straightened out? It's a harsh statment in my view to make but hay evryone is entitled to their views and opinions. I think don't thats a good enough reason to put him out of the picture.. That's my 2c..

nobodythere

As someone who has been down that road, if he's stuck in the same place that I am then he can't properly like you until he gets around his own stuff.

But if this is something that is all in his past (I doubt he would have told you if it wasn't in his past unless looking for sympathy) then it shouldn't be an issue for you. When things are in the past the only thing they are to you are life lessons learned the hard way.

If he's over this then he is probably a stronger person because of what he has been through, but if not then you could end up being something for him to lean on when he's down (in the sense that he'd be dependant on you).

Zillah

Capt'n Midnight wrote:

You could ask others who know him if there has been any real lasting change beforehand.

If they think he is still trouble then stay away. It ain't worth it because you can't change someone, even if you could they might resent it !

Thats not very fair. If hes self harmed then clearly hes having problems with stress in his life. Notice that it was in the past tense.

When I was younger there were plenty of people that would have considered me a complete asshole, deviant and any other list of things, not to mention a bad influence. But then there'd be lots of other people that found me nice and considerate. It wasn't because I was unstable or tricking anyone, I genuinely felt that some people deserved nice treatment, and others didn't.

Other peoples opinions don't matter, especially if they're based on things a person used to do.

NoDayBut2Day

If he is still having these problems, I'd say you could try to help him, but just on friendship level.

If things are ok with him now, I don't see any reason why you couldn't date him.

Take care...