How do I let him down gently?

LegacyUser

I'm jus wondering if anyone has any suggestions as to what i should do.. i broke up with my boyfriend after last christmas, we had been going out just over a year. We are in the same college and since coming back a few weeks ago he is spending all his time with me.

I dont want to tell him to get lost as i really do wannna be friends with him but its wearing me out completely, think he wants to get back together but ive made it clear its not what I want.
When we go out with mutual friends he stays beside me the whole time and makes it impossible for me to meet new people. I cant talk about any other male in front of him or he gets really upset.

Im just wondering if there are any suggestions as to how I can tell him I want time apart but not hurt his feelings? Should prob mention he has huge problems at home. father is an alcoholic, separated parents so I know he really could do with a friend but Ive tried just being friends and it isnt working he's suffocating me.

Sorry for the rant.. any advice would be appreciated.

Sifo

I'm afraid the only option is to tell him straight.. In the long run he'll thank you for it...

Maccattack

Just dump him. You might not like to think it but he will get over it.

Shabadu

Help him find him a new girlfriend, it'll take the heat off you.

dublinhottie

How do you know he wants to get back with you? Maybe he just really enjoys your company. If he does want to get back why not just start talking about blokes around him - not in a bitchy way but drop in to a conversation that your going for a drink with so and so just to let him know that your not interested in anything more than friendship - of course he is going to get upset but he is just going to have to get over it - it sounds like you do respect your friendship with him and if he respects his with you he will soon get over it and move on.
Good luck with it all.

jcoote

make your intentions clear and be honest always works out at the end of the day

Zombrex

Guest 123 wrote:

I'm jus wondering if anyone has any suggestions as to what i should do.. i broke up with my boyfriend after last christmas, we had been going out just over a year. We are in the same college and since coming back a few weeks ago he is spending all his time with me.

I dont want to tell him to get lost as i really do wannna be friends with him but its wearing me out completely, think he wants to get back together but ive made it clear its not what I want.
When we go out with mutual friends he stays beside me the whole time and makes it impossible for me to meet new people. I cant talk about any other male in front of him or he gets really upset.

Im just wondering if there are any suggestions as to how I can tell him I want time apart but not hurt his feelings? Should prob mention he has huge problems at home. father is an alcoholic, separated parents so I know he really could do with a friend but Ive tried just being friends and it isnt working he's suffocating me.

Sorry for the rant.. any advice would be appreciated.

I am affraid the gentlier you do it the less likely he is to get the message that you have moved on.

Sounds like your ex isn't over the relationship at all and is doing the (rather stupid) old trick of just hanging around being "just friends" just to be near you. He is probably confused, and not exactly sure himself why he is doing it, it is just easier than facing up to the fact that you have broken up. But he really needs to do that, sooner rather than later.

I think u need to be a bit less concerned about hurting his feelings. I am afraid there is probably no way of getting around that, what ever you do he isn't going to like, but that is really his problem and something he really needs to deal with. The easiest thing would be to simply get another boyfriend. He would probably hate that and be very upset, but like I said he needs to get over you old relationship, and that might be the kick he needs.

If u dont have a possible relationship on the horizon then at least start showing that you are interested in other guys. Don't hide this from him. If he gets upset, tough, what does he expect. If he doesn't want to see you talking to guys in a pub or club, then he wouldn't be tagging along to a club or pub with you. You don't need to be all in his face about it, but you shouldn't feel you need to sneak around, or not talk to guys because he is there (you did break up 8 months ago). As I have said, its his problem, and something he has to deal with.

I don't think he is going to move on till he is forced to move on. I would be prepared for the fact that he is probably going to be upset and angry with you no matter what you do. If he is as immature to relationships as he sound be prepared for him to say how horrible you have treated him etc etc. Don't let this shake you, you aren't doing anything wrong. And really it isn't healthy or fair on you to be the support that gets him through his break up with you

alfa147

sorry to be crude but women are stupid when it comes to this, of course he wants to get back with u and hes trying to worm is way back in.

the fact that u used to go out with him doesnt help, guys and girls just cant be mates especially if u used to bump uglys together :rolleyes:

Chrissie

alfa147 wrote:

sorry to be crude but women are stupid when it comes to this, of course he wants to get back with u and hes trying to worm is way back in.

the fact that u used to go out with him doesnt help, guys and girls just cant be mates especially if u used to bump uglys together :rolleyes:

eh, not true Alfa147.
Most of my best friends are fellas & we've never had any issues (& I'm not the most unnactractive person you're ever going to meet), it's just guys & girsl CAN be just friends.
I generally tend not to hang around with girls as (sorry) in groups they can be quite bitchy, & one group doesn't speak to the other group cos such a group said such a thing about......... blaa blaa blaa, I'm just not into that, which guys generall aren't either.
I also hate shopping which is also why I prefer to hang around with boys, & we've always been mates, nothing else.
I also have 2 ex's from serious relationships that I've managed to stay really close friends with & they know exactly where they stand with me so there's no issues.

Op: as for you:- it does sound like this guy is hanging around with you to get back with you. You've been V patient with him, but if you're going to be allowed to move on with your life & meet new people you're going to have to put your feelings first.
Sit him down somewhere & tell him you really care for him as a friend & you would like to be there to help him through his family issues, but if he doesn't stop smothering you, you won't be able to be there for him.
Let him know there is absolutely to future for ye as a couple & that he has to get over this. You want to & will meet new people & if he can't cope with this then you need him out of your life.
Put the ball in his court, but take no bull****. If he wants to keep you in his life, he'll have to cop on & let you move on (however hard it is for him) or else watch you walk away for good.

Best of luck, you sound like a lovely considerate person, but try to be more considerate to the most important person in all of this:- YOU!

AthAnRi

the only way to do it is say it straight. No point in hinting at it or talking about guys. Just tell him how you feel and that you don't want to see him for a while or ever. Us guys are usless when it comes to solving riddles about girls so just say it straight.

As someone else says he will probably thank you eventually.

alfa147

chrissie.. trust me id say some of ur plutonic male friends actually fancy you.

Guys think with there cocks most of their time and unless ur ugly and fat then there never just going to be ur friends.

at this stage i wouldnt be friends with a girl, and i wouldnt hang around like some nerd who doesnt have the balls to lay his cards on the table. if he gets rejected he should bow out gracefully.

as far as ur ex's are concerned, i really dont buy the fact that if you changed ur mind about either one they wouldnt be straight back in there.

shakaman

I agree with all of the above and if that doesn't work, some night you're out pull some random and he will definitely get the idea. Nothing like a visual to put him off.

LegacyUser

Thanks so much for all the advice, everyone is really helpful. I've told him on more than one occasion that I need space but he doesent really get it.. And when Im out the very worst thing I could do Would be kiss someone in front of him it would totally be rubbing his face in it. I was seeing someone for awhile over the summer but it didnt work out but maybe Il find someone else and just tell him.. Not sure if I want a b.f. at the moment tho, just some time to myself would be nice!

AthAnRi

Guest 123 wrote:

Thanks so much for all the advice, everyone is really helpful. I've told him on more than one occasion that I need space but he doesent really get it.. And when Im out the very worst thing I could do Would be kiss someone in front of him it would totally be rubbing his face in it. I was seeing someone for awhile over the summer but it didnt work out but maybe Il find someone else and just tell him.. Not sure if I want a b.f. at the moment tho, just some time to myself would be nice!

It sounds to me that you are being too nice about it. It also sounds to me that this guy is verging on Stalking. He is being totally unreasonable and you are now within your rights to get pissed off. Tell him that if he doesn't start listening to you that you will seek legal advice. Might be a little excessive but it might be the only way to get him off your case.

LegacyUser

Dont do it by text like some seem to do! Just say it to him, its simple really. NO beating about the bush

Blub2k4

alfa147 wrote:

chrissie.. trust me id say some of ur plutonic male friends actually fancy you.

It hasn't even been proven that there is life on Pluto

Guest 123

Guest 123 wrote:

Thanks so much for all the advice, everyone is really helpful. I've told him on more than one occasion that I need space but he doesent really get it.. And when Im out the very worst thing I could do Would be kiss someone in front of him it would totally be rubbing his face in it. I was seeing someone for awhile over the summer but it didnt work out but maybe Il find someone else and just tell him.. Not sure if I want a b.f. at the moment tho, just some time to myself would be nice!

Ach.
Dont go getting yourself something you dont want just to get a message through to an ex.
Thats way too complicated.

The thing to do is to do the exact opposite of what you are doing now.
Take the time that you want on your own.
Ignore the fact that he is always around at other times-just take the time and do your own thing without telling him.

Do continue to take account of his feelings if you are getting jiggy with someone else and just dont flaunt it in front of him for the moment.
No matter how annoying his presence may be to you at times he may not be aware of this and by the sounds of things is a tad blinded by his affection for you.

Thats not his fault entirely, it's the kind of shit that comes with the human hormonal territory.Thats why I'd advise you to not hurt the guy.It's a whole do onto others thing that should be encouraged more.

The balls in your court, your not living with him? so it should be possible to arrange your day/week to be as away as you want from him.
Reply to his texts with a simple talk to ya later or something else nice.

If you are spending time with other friends let them in on the fact that you two used to be together and you want to spend time apart from him.If they know, they'll help you and it wont be the end of the world if it gets back to him.

Lastly don't worry about it

Chrissie

Blub2k4 wrote:

It hasn't even been proven that there is life on Pluto

LOL!!!
Though it's a flattering thought that all these guys secretly like me, I know for defo that these guys don't fancy me. We've been friends in some cases for 13yrs, in other cases for 8yrs & there's never been anything between any of us, we've never wanted there to be anything between us. We all have our own relationships (or did have:- different thread!!!), but enjoy the craic when we all meet up for nights out.
A relationship certainly never crossed my mind with these guys & if it crossed their minds they never let it show, & never acted on it, & if it was the case, then they're well over it now.
As for the ex's, they've moved on & are in steady, happy relationships & would never dream of going back to me & vice versa, it's just I'm a nice person (generally) & good company, so people like to stay in touch.
Guys & girls CAN be JUST friends, nothing else, BIG FULL STOP!!!!!

Come on folks, surely I'm not the only one that this happens to???

alfa147

chrissie ur prob one of the only ones. all im saying is guys dont just 'Hang out' with a girl who is semi attractive for the fun of things. it reminds me of a girl i used to see and she had a male friend who was a complete loser and had no personality.

i met him instantly and knew straight away that he liked her the way he acted even when i was around. this has happaned before to me and to about two of my mates. I just find it pathetic the way some lads hope for something that is never going to happan. As i said before grow a pair and try ur luck either than that i cant see the advantage of being friends. i have enough blokes to hang around with for that.

ferdi

nexts time your out and he is there, go and Kanoodle some other bloke, he'll get the message

mikeruurds

If your ex doesn't get the message the gentle way then you are going to have to play hardball.

Sit him down and give it to him straight. Tell him that you and him have absolutely no future and the sooner he realises it the better as you intend on moving on with your life whether he likes it or not. Then if he still doesn't get it just ignore him and move on.

The problem is that you have mutual friends and it wouldn't be fair to expect him to clear off. Your just going to have to be thick skinned and be prepared to hurt his feelings. He must realise that after you have given him the ultimatum you'll be seeing other people (possibly even in front of him). I'm not suggesting that you grab the nearest guy and make out to hurt his feelings, but if you do meet someone and if he refuses to give you your space then you'll have no choice but to do the dirty in his presence.

All I can say is good luck. The sooner you drop him hard, the better for both of you. Some guys just believe in the "treat him/her mean and keep him/her keen mentality". Maybe he thinks that you're just playing hard to get.

Wipe that thought from his mind

WhiteWashMan

Guest 123 wrote:

I'm jus wondering if anyone has any suggestions as to what i should do.. i broke up with my boyfriend after last christmas, we had been going out just over a year. We are in the same college and since coming back a few weeks ago he is spending all his time with me.

I dont want to tell him to get lost as i really do wannna be friends with him but its wearing me out completely, think he wants to get back together but ive made it clear its not what I want.
When we go out with mutual friends he stays beside me the whole time and makes it impossible for me to meet new people. I cant talk about any other male in front of him or he gets really upset.

Im just wondering if there are any suggestions as to how I can tell him I want time apart but not hurt his feelings? Should prob mention he has huge problems at home. father is an alcoholic, separated parents so I know he really could do with a friend but Ive tried just being friends and it isnt working he's suffocating me.

Sorry for the rant.. any advice would be appreciated.

do the sensible thing. just cut him out comepletely.

it will be the best for him in the long run. there is no gentle. just tell him to fúck off and leave you alone and you never want to see him again.

sorry, but you have to be cruel to those people who are just stupid.

its the only way he will get over you.

LegacyUser

Earthman.. thanks a million that advice makes the most sense, I don't wanna hurt him Im gonna try jus get more time to myself, its tough because of being around him 9 - 5 in colllege but i mite try and get to know some others in my class or meeting up with other friends in my breaks etc.

I really appreciate all the help everyone.. you guys are great, a problem shared actually is a problem halved.. in my head anyway!
Fingers crossed it'l work out or he finds someone else.. thanks again
x

nobodythere

It's natural jealousy from the attachment that you once had...

If you really want to be friends with him you have to stay apart for a while, feelings fade over time if you're not around, because it's just a nostalgia for what he used to have with you. So find a way to live your own life and if you're meant to be friends ye will be.

Some times you just have to let things go to ever have a chance of keeping them.

*looks cheesily off into the distance*