Advice please!

Char · 13-10-2005 1:52pm #1

Found porn sites on my husbands laptop, do i confront him?

ARGINITE · 13-10-2005 1:56pm

Dont confront him more like talk to him about it.

Shabadu · 13-10-2005 1:58pm

Now don't be alarmed- but at first glance- it appears your husband *may* be a man.

There's not much we can do, i'm afraid. Confront him if you want, but it'll probably just teach him to hide it better. One thing about blokes is that looking at a bit of porn does not take away from his feelings for you at all.

Talk to him about it. Maybe there are one or two things he'd like to do and he's too nervous to ask. It's probably just harmless, but there may be a chance it's indicitive of something else. Was it just a bit of porn, or loads of pay sites etc?

bounty_hunter · 13-10-2005 1:59pm

If it's a serious issue for you, maybe you should discuss it with him, but make sure you do it in a general conversational manner rather than being angry or accusatory. Honestly, it's completely normal and tbh I think he has every right to watch porn if he wants to (I'm female by the way), but I can understand why it might bother you. If you think you can just accept that it shouldn't be an issue and let it slide, it would be best to do so. But as with most things, if it's something that you just can't let go of, it may be best to talk about it.

Chrissie · 13-10-2005 1:59pm

Read the Obsession: Pretty Girls thread.

There's no harm in looking, it's what men do, so long as they don't act on it then all should be ok.

I'm assuming this is regular porn & not something to be concerned about, i.e. kiddie, V violent etc.

If not, then I don't know why you care.
confront your husband if you want, but I don't think he should feel guilty for doing it & you shouldn't be worried that he does. Men like to look at women (in general).

If it was gay porn................That's another matter!!!!

Don't worry about it!

Char · 13-10-2005 2:01pm

what if he starts a realationship with any of these girls that are 'Waiting to have a chat with'?

blahblah06 · 13-10-2005 2:03pm

Char i think your over reacting. Its only porn. let him be

Shabadu · 13-10-2005 2:04pm

Char wrote:

what if he starts a realationship with any of these girls that are 'Waiting to have a chat with'?

Who is he 'waiting to have a chat with' exactly?

Char · 13-10-2005 2:07pm

Like the live web chats on these sites

blahblah06 · 13-10-2005 2:08pm

I wouldnt worry about them he will need a credit card. anyway what you doing on his laptop snooping.. you not trust him ? anyway if you really think he would go off with one of the girls then you need to have a chat because he obviously aint for you. I know if my gf approached me about the porn on my computer i would just laugh

Chrissie · 13-10-2005 2:08pm

Do you not trust your husband?
Has he ever given you reason to doubt him.
Is finding Porn the only reason you're asking these questions?

If so, really it's natural for men to watch porn, there's nothing wrong with it.
Are you going to stop him from ever going out without you in case there happens to be a remotely attractive girl there that says hello.

Do you really think that he cares so little for you that he'd want to start anything with anybody?

If it's only finding the porn that's getting at you, then you're overreacting. Men will be men, you won't change him & if you try you'll just put unnecessary strain on your relationship. Let him be. Might even put him in the mood to try out a few things on you!!!

[Jackass] · 13-10-2005 2:11pm

As long as a man his access to the internet he will look at porn. I'm sure if you ever did a porn movie, he'd be more than happy to look at that, but something tells me you havn't.

It's just normal, and it dosen't constitute cheating (used very loosely) imo. I wouldn't advise confronting him (suggesting confrontation) but if it really bothers you, why not mention it to him in passing conversation...

"by the way...."

Good Luck.

Char · 13-10-2005 2:16pm

I jsut feel really inadequate since finding this. My self-confidence has always been low & this has jsut made it worse.

Chrissie · 13-10-2005 2:23pm

Don't feel inadequate & if he's not the reason you have low self confidence then leave him out of this too.

He's with you, he married you, he loves you, he sleeps with you, he WANTS you!

Like someone else said, I'd bet he'd love to watch you, but that's not an option so he just looks at an innocent bit of porn on the internet instead.

You shouldn't take this as a sign that you're not fulfilling his needs or desires, I'd say even if ye were at it 22 hours of the day he'd spend the other 1hr 55 sleeping & the other 5 thinking about women / sex / porn. It's just the nature of the beast, nothing you're doing wrong.

This seems to be really getting to you so I would suggest you talk to him about it, not confront him as he hasn't done anything wrong. Just tell him how you feel. I don't think there's anoyone better able to tell you how harmless it all is & to reassure you than him.

Go easy on yourself & on him. Take care!

Miss Fluff · 13-10-2005 2:32pm

Char wrote:

I jsut feel really inadequate since finding this. My self-confidence has always been low & this has jsut made it worse.

Honestly, you can't think like that Char or you'll drive yourself demented. Ask any man off the record if they have ever indulged in a bit of porn and the answer is yes!! It's perfectly normal and very common. You can't automatically assume that he's not fulfilled by you because he chooses to indulge in looking at other women. Everyone is entitled to their fantasies and I'd ask myself whether I'd prefer him to be enjoying the company of "virtual" women or actually cheating on you with a real, tangible person. Why don't you check out the sites he's logging on to to see what you think? You might be surprised, then you could think about looking at them together

Honestly, it's not a big deal and is no reflection on you or your relationship so don't let it effect your self-confidence! The people involved in porn are, as I said, fantasy figures. What you have with your partner is real so don't get the two mixed up.

The_B_Man · 13-10-2005 3:41pm

haha i dont think them ads are serious when they say theres someone "waitin to chat with me!". they're hardly gonna say "Hey, pay us, watch us, then f**k off coz u havent a chance!", otherwise they wouldnt get their money. i can say with a fair degree of certainty that he is not gonna go off and start a relationship with some yolk off a pornsite! porn is porn. ralax and dont worry. firstly, im assumin ur from Ireland, secondly, have u seen the state of the irish porn stars? haha u have nothin to worry about. as the sayin goes, men like a "lady in the street but a freak in the bed", and these things off the porn sites arent "ladies in the street", more like "ladies of the night"! take it easy.

13-10-2005 6:43pm

Porn web sites make up something like two thirds of the internet. I'm yet to meet another bloke that hasn't looked at one. Don't worry! The "girls are waiting to talk to you" thing is on most websites. Its just a marketing thing. Its the same as if you look at the back of a newspaper to where all those sex phone lines are. You can be sure its not some person that is actually waiting on your particluar husband, but more if you click it you will be put through to, some person who is paid to type things of a sexual nature. And the picture accompanying the "girls waiting to talk to you" is most definatly not the girl one would be put through to

bounty_hunter · 13-10-2005 7:21pm

Char wrote:

what if he starts a realationship with any of these girls that are 'Waiting to have a chat with'?

You're taking this all a bit too seriously. The fact that he's married to you should be enough to tell you that he's not going to attempt to go off with some random chick on the internet. Aside from anything else, that "waiting to have a chat" stuff is a load of crap. If it's even real, the girls "waiting to have a chat" don't give a flying nun about really talking to people.
You need to ease up a bit before you scare the poor chap away.

simu · 13-10-2005 7:21pm

Char wrote:

I jsut feel really inadequate since finding this. My self-confidence has always been low & this has jsut made it worse.

You should try looking at porn yourself (i.e. stuff that seems interesting to you rather than stuff you find in your husband's cache). Then you'll see that it's not such a big deal or at least, how it might not be a big deal to another person.

chump · 13-10-2005 8:05pm

All above is true

But I can see how it would upset a lady if she was say hitting 40 and was beginning to feel old and she found her husband checking out all sorts of young sexy flexible do-it-any-which-way sorts...

Definetely some brief looking at a bit of pron is a normal thing, but I can see how it might become a bit obsessive and could hurt a wife, particularly if she was feeling low and... whatever else

My advice would be to talk to him, say it doesn't bother you, and that your all for spicing things up and watching with him if he'd like that

(i bet he would, wahwahhh)

gowan now

LegacyUser · 13-10-2005 8:49pm

Char wrote:

what if he starts a realationship with any of these girls that are 'Waiting to have a chat with'?

That sound like porn ads. It could be that a site he visited infected his laptop with ads, short cuts and possibly dialups. Check to see if there are gambling related ones too. Just a thought.

Advice please!

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