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New Priest

  • 15-10-2005 1:30pm
    #1
    mc nuggets
    Closed Accounts Posts: 500 ✭✭✭


    A newly ordained priest was about to saw his first mass. But just before his sermon he got frightend that he might make a mistake, so he put some vodka in his water to calm his nerves. After his sermon he went back into the sacristy and found that a note had been left beside his glass. It read...

    Just a few pointers on taking vodka before a sermon.

    1. Take sips not gulps

    2. There were 10 commandments not 12

    3. There were 12 apostles not 10

    4. Joseph was knocked off his donkey with a stone not stoned off his ass

    5. David defeated Goliath, he did not kick the **** out of him

    6. The Father The Son and The Holy Ghost shall not be refferd to as Daddy
    Sonney and Spooks.

    He left the parish the next day.


Comments

  • #2
    modular
    Closed Accounts Posts: 310 ✭✭modular


    When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, "Take this and eat it for it is my body." He did not say, "Eat me."

    We do not refer to the cross as the "Big T."


  • #3
    Somnus
    Registered Users Posts: 2,345 ✭✭✭Somnus


    mc nuggets wrote:

    4. Joseph was knocked off his donkey with a stone not stoned off his ass

    .

    lol,thats the best one :p


  • #4
    bozzie
    Closed Accounts Posts: 534 ✭✭✭bozzie


    heard a longer version o that years ago think it went something like this



    A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak.



    After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.



    The monsignor replied, " When I am worried about
    getting nervous On the
    pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water
    glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip."



    So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice.

    At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink.



    He proceeded to talk up a storm.



    Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

    1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

    2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

    3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

    4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

    5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
    >
    6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
    >
    7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred
    to as Daddy, Junior
    and the spook.

    8) David slew Goliath, he did not kick the sh*t out of him.

    9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off
    his donkey, don't
    say he was stoned off his ass.

    10)We do not refer to the cross as the "BigT."

    11)When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he
    said, "take this and
    eat it for it is my body." He did not say " Eat me".

    12)The Virgin Mary is not called " Mary with the
    Cherry,.

    13)The recommended grace before a meal is not:
    Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for
    the grub, Yeah God.

    14)Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest
    at ST.Peter's not a
    peter pulling contest at St. Taffy's.


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