Losing virginity to one night stand

LegacyUser

I was at a party where I knew noone that well. So I was delighted when this lad came over and started chatting to me. We had this brilliant conversation and felt like we really connected. I'm 19 and he was 8 years older so I didnt think he was interested in me at first. So we went to a club and we got very drunk. Then we we walked to his place and slept together. I was so unbeleivably drunk that it all seems a blur. So next morning I wake up to my horror beside him. When he woke up he didnt talk that much avoided my eye and I knew it was a one night thing. I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself. How did I let myself sleep with a complete stranger. I feel like a slag. I'm worried hes boasting about it to his friends. I just feel so used. I'm never drinking again after this. He wasnt interested in me only interested in getting me drunk and getting in my pants. Has anyone else felt like this?

dundalk cailin

not me personnally thank god, but it did happen my friend, it was the ex of one of her friends, it was a total mess, she was in bits n her n the other girl dont talk now over it, cos girl 2 thinks it was all girl 1's doing and that he was an angel in all this
still id hate for that to happen with me

AARRRGH

You do realise every single guy you talk to at a party - and quite the majority of guys outside of parties - only talk to you because they want to **** you?

You're not a slag. What happened to you happens to many girls very frequently. In fact, you'll find it's rare a guy wants to be your boyfriend after ****ing him.

It may not be nice, but it's just the way the world is: men trick women into taking their knickers off.

...

I know a few nerds will try to claim my above statement is not true, but that is because they are nerds.

dundalk cailin

i think guys respect girls more if they dont jump into bed with them straight after meeting them, i know myself, ive refused to have one night stands and in the longterm the guy actually talks to me next time he sees me and i dont have to go round totally embarrassed cos im afraid of what he's saying to his friends bout me. course they'res always a few that'll get in a strop, but i dont bother worrying bout them, its better to be hated for not giving them what they want than handing it to them on a plate imo

claire h

Learn from it but don't let it completely dominate your life - like, watch your drinking, especially drinking lots in situations where you might feel out of place and not knowing people, like that party, but it doesn't mean you should never drink ever again; and be a bit wary of guys, but not so much that you don't give the ones who might be worth it a chance. You're *not* a slag and if he's boasting about it then he's pretty sad, isn't he, if he feels he can brag about only getting someone into bed because they were drunk?

Everyone ends up in less-than-ideal situations sometimes, it's not just you.

dundalk cailin

well i hope that not ALL guys are like that, but im not too hopeful now, thanks dublindude

AARRRGH

dundalk cailin wrote:

well i hope that not ALL guys are like that, but im not too hopeful now, thanks dublindude

The honest ones are like that. The others are just confused!!!

Nah... of course there are nice blokes, but in situations like a party, the guys are only there for one reason...

dundalk cailin

ah yea i see what u mean, like in everyday situations they're not all as bad!! at a party they just think no i cant end up alone?? something along those lines anyway i guess?

tj-music.com

abcdef12 wrote:

He wasnt interested in me only interested in getting me drunk and getting in my pants. Has anyone else felt like this?

It also works the other way around. One gets used by woman too sometimes.

dundalk cailin

i agree woman can be as bad as men (myself excluded of course, im a wee angel)

Jesper

Somewhere in the middle of Dublin D and Dundalk C is right. Abcdef you were had and there is no doubt about that. The problem here was experience. He knew his game and you were happy to be in the game. Unfortunately you didn't know the rules.
But you don't have to call yourself a slag. Now this is where you have to change your opinion of what happened. If he can go as far as boasting about his night why can't you go as far as admitting you had a good night. Sure you feel used but he has prob done this before and you can be certain he does not relaise the hurt he has caused. As you agree that you had a great night out and in this day and age there is nothing wrong with ending a great night out with going home with someone. Its good in my opinion that you feel sorry about it but neither would I fault anyone for having a one night stand. Its a done thing. Learn from it and you'll be fine.

dundalk cailin

good advice jesper

Jesper

Dundalk girl we should be asking for fees for our work here tonight. How many broken hearts have we sent on the right road so far?
I see a late night chat show on the horizon.

dundalk cailin

liking your train of thought, its a tough job but someone's gotta do it *sigh*

Jesper

Shocking thing is I'm only (since sunday) 24 and can relate to a lot of these tales. wonder by 25 does absolutly everyone have all these ups and downs. Why don't people start happy ones?
There's another though.
So will we be a Jerry Springer show or a Dr. Phil talk show.

dundalk cailin

well im 19, only a babby!! think everyone can relate to them in some way, if not themselves, then someone they know, in this thread iit happened to one of my friends...

mmm ricki lake? u just wanna be the main presenter thought we were in on this together!!

dundalk cailin

happy birthday btw!! hope ya had a good un

*cailin*

Jesper

humm in this thread I was d older guy!
Only messing. Prob not helping abcdef12 there.

Well if your d babby does that mean I'd d daddy? Way of topic here now!
Ricki Lake Pah. no way! how about Oprah and Dr. Phil. The old team. And since I'm the experienced partner I want 75%-25%.

dundalk cailin

on topic i think that older guys (like jesper) cannot be trusted :rolleyes:

see at least i cant get given out to for not stayin on topic! oprah? well i s'pose i can deal wih that, but EXCUSE ME its 50-50 here mister, stop trying to fob me off just cos im more sprightly than urself

Rotide

dublindude wrote:

I know a few nerds will try to claim my above statement is not true, but that is because they are nerds.

Or because they are older than dublindude.

Yes, blokes just want to have sex and now you know this. However, sometimes blokes just wanna fcuk and sometimes they geniunely want to bring you home 'for the start of something beautiful' etc etc. Ignore the guys saying 'i have no respect for girls who put out the first night', Theres no real hard and fast rule for what guys look for. This time clearly the guy just wanted a one night stand. The trick is, i guess, to decide if thats what you want or not.

Jesper

On topic I guess a point to make here is that not all younger girls are as easily codded. But is that only because you friend learned the hard way first?

Spritely?:p Some times its better to have a good head for a situation and leave other people be all spritely! 60%-40% it was my idea.

MadMoss

dublindude wrote:

It may not be nice, but it's just the way the world is: men trick women into taking their knickers off.

To the OP, I wouldn't let dublindude's attitude to "sex" cloud your opinion of men on the whole, just be aware that there are people out there like him. When u meet someone, in your own mind decide whether you think they speak genuinely to you, go with your instincts cos they won’t lead u wrong. You’re gonna find it tough going if your drunk though so be careful how much u drink around strangers. Remember that just like women some men are genuine and some aren’t.

dundalk cailin

Jesper wrote:

On topic I guess a point to make here is that not all younger girls are as easily codded. But is that only because you friend learned the hard way first?
.

it was a hard lesson, cos she wouldnt be as 'savvy' as me when it comes to guys, at least i can hold my own. she was a mess afterwards, it was terrible. and there was us stuck in the middle of the 2 girls who fell out. at least girl 2 didnt fall out with me or girl 3 (neutral) but its awkward now when one of them asks us to go out, the other wont go/isnt asked. so now im quite suspicious of 'ulteriur motives' if thats the correct expression?

Jesper wrote:

Spritely? Some times its better to have a good head for a situation and leave other people be all spritely! 60%-40% it was my idea.

50-50 or the deals off!!!

Jesper

I'm sure it was a "hard lesson" for your friend. Savvy when it comes to guys? That just means you expect the worst in all guys. And don't worry "I can hold my own" as well
Your lucky you were even asked!
See back to topic. Women expect to much from guys! 59-41.

dundalk cailin

i am savvy!! have to be really in this day and age, 19 year old girls arent safe nowadays, we have to be alert of guys and what they're after!

50-50 or 51-49 in my favour cos ur such a boy!!

Jesper

I'm afraid 19 year old girls were never safe. Problem is some think that they can take on the world and thats when problems happen (like in your case asking for to much)
Sometimes men can be just looking for whats best!

dundalk cailin

oh that was too personal
19 is a funny age, u can get girls who are living their own lives, v independent, away from home etc (like me) or girls like my friend who are still pretty dependent on their parents, living at home, didnt go to college but just startd working fulltime. i know myself that the situation with girl1 wouldnt have happened to me, cos i wouldnt have let it, and esp not if he was an ex of a friend :eek:

Jesper

19 is defenetly a funny age. You've just confirmed that nicely. more yikes than ha ha though.

iguana

abcdef12 wrote:

I'm 19 and he was 8 years older ........................I'm worried hes boasting about it to his friends.

If he is 27 I would hope that he is long beyond the boasting to his friends about his sexual conquests phase. If at that age he still behaves in such a way, and hangs around with friends who behave in that way, then you have had a very, very lucky escape.

abcdef12 wrote:

Then we we walked to his place and slept together. I was so unbeleivably drunk that it all seems a blur......................I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself. How did I let myself sleep with a complete stranger. I feel like a slag.

First off, are you absolutely sure that you were just drunk? I don't want to scare you, but is there any possibility he put something in your drink? If you at all suspect this you should find someone to talk to about it. A friend, a parent or a counsellor.

However, if you know this was just a case of you getting drunk and making a bad decision, then you just have to learn from it and move on. Getting drunk and sleeping with someone you would never have chosen to have slept with sober is a mistake most people make. It was unfortunate to lose your virginity this way, but if you ask many women (and some men) they will tell you that they would not lose their virginity the way they did if they could do it again.

And many women are just as happy to have one-night stands as men. For all he knew the two of you wanted the same thing. The fact that he slept with you without wanting a relationship does not automatically mean he cold-heartedly used you. He may have felt that you were just as happy with the situation. Although, if you told him you were a virgin before you slept together he should have had a bit more cop-on.

But you have done this now, so all you can do is learn from it. Don't get so drunk around men you are attracted to. That way if you know you don't want to sleep with them, your head will be in control of your body. But there is nothing wrong with sleeping with a man if it is what you want. And any man who would judge you on that is not worth your time and energy. If a man is willing to sleep with you, but will judge you negatively for sleeping with him then he doesn't respect you as an equal and who wants to be with a man like that?

Airblazer

abcdef12 wrote:

I was at a party where I knew noone that well. So I was delighted when this lad came over and started chatting to me. We had this brilliant conversation and felt like we really connected. I'm 19 and he was 8 years older so I didnt think he was interested in me at first. So we went to a club and we got very drunk. Then we we walked to his place and slept together. I was so unbeleivably drunk that it all seems a blur. So next morning I wake up to my horror beside him. When he woke up he didnt talk that much avoided my eye and I knew it was a one night thing. I feel so disgusted and ashamed of myself. How did I let myself sleep with a complete stranger. I feel like a slag. I'm worried hes boasting about it to his friends. I just feel so used. I'm never drinking again after this. He wasnt interested in me only interested in getting me drunk and getting in my pants. Has anyone else felt like this?

i hope ye used protection for your sake..

BoozyBabe

Dundalk C & Jesper::

GET A ROOM!!!!!!!

Esel

BoozyBabe wrote:

Dundalk C & Jesper::

GET A ROOM!!!!!!!

Yeah, learn how to send PMs or something.

OP, alcohol is the number 1 date-rape drug.

Chavster

iguana wrote:

First off, are you absolutely sure that you were just drunk? I don't want to scare you, but is there any possibility he put something in your drink? If you at all suspect this you should find someone to talk to about it. A friend, a parent or a counsellor.

If this was the case the night would be a complete blank not a blur...

Zombrex

esel wrote:

OP, alcohol is the number 1 date-rape drug.

Now as anyone who knows me on boards.ie knows I am always going on about consent and drink, but to be honest I don't think this sounds like non-consentual sex, and the OP hasn't mentioned that either, so lets all not jump the gun here. The OP hasn't said she was so out of it she didn't understand what was happening to her, just that she regretted it in the morning.

To the OP I would ask why you think you did actually have sex? Did you want to at the time? Were you trying to please or impress this guy? Or did you think it meant he wanted to date/go out with you. You say you saw from his eyes that he thought it was a one night stand. If he had wanted to see you again, would you have minded sleeping with him, or was the fact that it was a one night stand change your views on sleeping with him?

dudara

Jesper and dundalk cailin, keep it on topic and stop using this board to talk to each other. Take it to PM, or the like! Bannings will ensue otherwise

g'em

OP, a lot of people have one night stands, some of them intentional, some not, but its just really unfortunate that you had to have your first one-nighter at the same time as losing your virginity.

You're not a slag, you just got drunk, and were probably seeing this guy through very alcoholic rose-tinted glasses. Yes, a lot of (not all) guys will say anything to get your pants off, and lots of girls will fall for it- we want to believe they mean it when they tell us at 2.30 am that we're the most beautiful thing they've ever laid eyes on :rolleyes:

There's nice guys out there, and not so nice ones. The one thing that bugs me though is if he's 27, did he know how old you are? If so, it seems a little unfair of him to be taking advantage- as much as dundalk callin likes to declare how 'savvy' she is about men, most teenage girls are still learning about blokes, and will believe whatever they say.

Try not to let it affect you too much, one-night stands are a part of growing up, put it downt o experience, and hopefully soon you can meet a decent fella who'll let you take your time and take it at your pace.

alfa147

thats how most people lose there Vplates.. dont worry about it.

at least you got it out of the way now so u can learn from this, ull be ready for a proper sexual encounter with the next randomer.

audge

Hey, just read your post, and I have to say, I do not envy you at all. Now I dont mean to be heartless, because I know loosing your virginity is a really big deal, and the fact that you lost your to a one night stand is beyond thinking about, but basically, my only advice to you is... get over this!
You cant let this experience taint your view of men, sex and relationships forever! I have to agree with a lot of the people who posted here, a guy rarely, if ever, wants to start a relationship with someone who puts out on the first night... its harsh but its true (although my friend has been with her boyfriend for four years, and they hooked up the first night they met... its rare that happens though!)
Look, your 19, you dont even remember all the events of the evening, technically, you are no longer a virgin, but you are still virgin to so many experiences.... just learn from this, and your second time, with someone you care about, will feel like your first time, cos what you had was drunken cold sex, you still have yet to make love!

Vangelis

dublindude wrote:

It may not be nice, but it's just the way the world is: men trick women into taking their knickers off.

Not my man. Because he is a man.
But how come this is so? I'm just curious.

Vangelis

Rotide wrote:

Or because they are older than dublindude.

Yes, blokes just want to have sex and now you know this. However, sometimes blokes just wanna fcuk and sometimes they geniunely want to bring you home 'for the start of something beautiful' etc etc. Ignore the guys saying 'i have no respect for girls who put out the first night', Theres no real hard and fast rule for what guys look for. This time clearly the guy just wanted a one night stand. The trick is, i guess, to decide if thats what you want or not.

That is bull****. There are guys who don't want to sleep around for fun but who look for a serious long-term relationship. This is just overrated bollocks.
The guys who want to have one-night-stands go where they can get it - in bars, discos etc. And if you only meet guys in such places it will seem like all guys are like that - because such guys are the only ones you meet! So if you want someone serious, you should look elsewhere. Discos and bars are trash.

annR

Did you use protection? If you can't remember, you need to stop worrying about the deed and worry about the consequences - pregnancy / STD. Don't be afraid to go to your doctor. You shouldn't have to listen to any judgemental stuff, they are only concerned for your health.

Just form your own opinions as to what you want from guys rather than ending up going with what they want and being used. You *can* stay in control. Don't do anything you *already know* you'll regret. Definitely a good reason to ease off the drink. It's tricky I know but you will ultimately not have your time wasted being used by some guy.

Don't worry about him boasting to his mates etc that's all bull**** and not worth your while. You made a mistake, but he is a user . . who's worse.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the great advice.It has helped me alot.I completely trusted him from the way he talked to me I felt like the most special person in the room.What realy annoys me is he that he got me drunk so deliberately I can't even remember how many drinks he gave me.By the time we had sex I was aware what was happening I did give consent and wanted to do it but did not enjoy it at all.He knew I was a virgin.He didnt use a condom.So next morning I spent an hour in the shower when I got home and I ended up lying on the floor of the shower for two hours.I went to the doctor to get the morning after pill but ended up sobbing and cause I was shivering so much and was so cold I spent half an hour convincing a doctor I hadn't been raped.I know I should learn from it and put it down to experience as some of the posters have said.But I don't think I'm going to drink in the near future and its going to be along time before I'l feel able to trust a man.

alfa147

I have to agree with dublindude here.. he knew what he was doing and tbh she prob did too.

she was drunk and prob alittle horny too.. she woke up in the morning and felt like a slag. welcome to the real world.

Em vangelis, most blokes with a pair of balls and who are single are looking for a one night stand anytime they go out.

Zombrex

dublindude wrote:

It may not be nice, but it's just the way the world is: men trick women into taking their knickers off.

How do you know he tricked her into anything? Did he lie to her, did he tell her he really liked her and wanted to see her? Did he tell her he has never felt this way about anyone blah blah blah?

Zombrex

Vangelis wrote:

There are guys who don't want to sleep around for fun but who look for a serious long-term relationship.

Who says you can't do both?

Beruthiel

jptk wrote:

ha ha ha! Nah your just common trash! And im no nerd

I cannot believe I missed this stupid comment
banned for a week
B

The Corinthian

Wicknight wrote:

Now as anyone who knows me on boards.ie knows I am always going on about consent and drink, but to be honest I don't think this sounds like non-consentual sex, and the OP hasn't mentioned that either, so lets all not jump the gun here.

Oh let’s. That way we can get together with some rope and torches and get really hysterical.

To the OP, you made a choice that you may not have made had you been in full control of your faculties and which you now regret. Welcome to adult life.

In social situations designed to facilitate romantic encounters, such as parties, nightclubs or the like, men will generally seek to get as far as they can with a woman. A man chatting a woman up generally is fairly straightforward; she decides whether she’d sleep with him or not (if sex is even on the menu, as it were) within the first two minutes and he then goes onto entertain her for a number of hours so as to:

1. Convince her to sleep with him sooner rather than later
2. Figure out if she would sleep with him or if she’s just using him as a social prop until a better guy comes along
3. Make her feel that they are not complete strangers and she can trust him and/or she is not behaving as a slut.

Both men and women can be highly manipulative in this area; men convincing women that they want to have sex and women convincing the men they want to have sex with to approach them in the first place.

How does this tally up with relationships? It’s coincidental. A man seducing a woman will give her the impression that he’s promising one - if that’s what he thinks she’s looking for. A woman seducing a man will give him the impression she’s only looking for a ****buddy and then use that to leverage a relationship. And the reverse is also true, although less common.

Over dependence on alcohol in Ireland to instil confidence has meant it has become central to any seduction - from both perspectives. Indeed, you’ll find that a significant percentage of the population has never kissed someone romantically stone cold sober.

So it probably seemed like a good idea at the time to you. You probably were convinced that there would be more to it that there ultimately was. Alcohol impaired your judgment but not to the level that you would not be responsible for your actions (otherwise a lot of drunk drivers would be blameless). He probably gave you the impression that you were the best thing since sliced bread and, by your own implied admission, you were flattered that someone that would not normally be in your league would be interested in you. Even if he never suggested a relationship, he probably implied one indirectly.

All of this added up to you feeling both comfortable and attracted enough to do the wild thing with him.

So you live and learn. We all have nights where we end up in the sack with the wrong person (even guys do) or other nights where we waste out evening perusing someone who promises much and delivers nothing (even gals do).

The least I suggest you do, other than learn from the experience, is that when you next find yourself in a similar situation - and inevitably you will - enjoy it for what it is, if nothing else.

alfa147

hey abcdef12, dont let it turn u off sex or men completly.

u had a bad first experience but the first-time is always crap. trust everyone when they say that.

unless he was really rough with you then take the knock and move on and soon u'll be having sex again.

Fysh

alfa147 wrote:

I have to agree with dublindude here.. he knew what he was doing and tbh she prob did too.

It really doesn't sound that way to me. Sounds like the guy knew what he was doing and the OP fell for him not realising that he was just up for a one-night thing. Whether he deliberately led her on knowing she might be easier to score than someone who'd see through him will never be known, but it sounds that way to me.

The only advice I can offer would be to get yourself checked out with a doctor to make sure there's no repercussions, then try and avoid it happening again unless you know exactly what you're getting into. Unfortunately clubs and parties are often popular spots for people looking for one-night things; just one of those things to be aware of if you meet someone you like there. If you're looking to meet someone but don't want it to be a one-night thing, you'll find it easier if you don't limit yourself to clubs/parties as places to meet new people.

alfa147 wrote:

Em vangelis, most blokes with a pair of balls and who are single are looking for a one night stand anytime they go out.

*sigh*

Yeah, that's it. The only purpose of going out, if you're single, is to get your hole. :rolleyes:

Yes, I know there's loads of clubs that are basically meat markets. It doesn't mean that everyon who goes out at the weekend is looking for one night of sex with nothing attached. Some people are, some people aren't. Going out looking for a one-night thing doesn't make you better or worse than someone who goes out to have a good time with their mates. Why is it so hard for some guys on this board to grasp this, I wonder?

Beruthiel

abcdef12 wrote:

I know I should learn from it and put it down to experience as some of the posters have said.But I don't think I'm going to drink in the near future and its going to be along time before I'l feel able to trust a man.

I think The Corinthian has explained pretty well the way things work when it comes to social gatherings and meeting men.
You have learned from this not so nice experience, chalk it up and don't beat yourself up about it.
I'm quite sure most people could come up with an encounter they later regretted.
Think about what you expect from yourself in the future, decide on lines that won't be crossed and stick to it.
Do not drink more than you can manage, once you feel that the next drink will have you loose control, stop drinking and hit the water. Have water between drinks.
no need to tar all men with the one brush, there are plenty who wouldn't have taken advantage and can be trusted, you just got unlucky.
If you haven't already, I also think there would be no harm getting yourself checked out for STI's, for your own peace of mind.
take care
a

alfa147

Fysh u say that cause ur a girl.. im being honest with you.

its not the only reason to be out but if its there on a plate or if u go looking for it ull take it. i would never bed an ugly girl like so many blokes do but still i do enjoy different sexy encounters as much as i can.

still young enough so its all good.

btw i also like going out for the beer and music.