Losing virginity to one night stand

Esel

BoozyBabe wrote:

Dundalk C & Jesper::

GET A ROOM!!!!!!!

Yeah, learn how to send PMs or something.

OP, alcohol is the number 1 date-rape drug.

Chavster

iguana wrote:

First off, are you absolutely sure that you were just drunk? I don't want to scare you, but is there any possibility he put something in your drink? If you at all suspect this you should find someone to talk to about it. A friend, a parent or a counsellor.

If this was the case the night would be a complete blank not a blur...

Zombrex

esel wrote:

OP, alcohol is the number 1 date-rape drug.

Now as anyone who knows me on boards.ie knows I am always going on about consent and drink, but to be honest I don't think this sounds like non-consentual sex, and the OP hasn't mentioned that either, so lets all not jump the gun here. The OP hasn't said she was so out of it she didn't understand what was happening to her, just that she regretted it in the morning.

To the OP I would ask why you think you did actually have sex? Did you want to at the time? Were you trying to please or impress this guy? Or did you think it meant he wanted to date/go out with you. You say you saw from his eyes that he thought it was a one night stand. If he had wanted to see you again, would you have minded sleeping with him, or was the fact that it was a one night stand change your views on sleeping with him?

dudara

Jesper and dundalk cailin, keep it on topic and stop using this board to talk to each other. Take it to PM, or the like! Bannings will ensue otherwise

g'em

OP, a lot of people have one night stands, some of them intentional, some not, but its just really unfortunate that you had to have your first one-nighter at the same time as losing your virginity.

You're not a slag, you just got drunk, and were probably seeing this guy through very alcoholic rose-tinted glasses. Yes, a lot of (not all) guys will say anything to get your pants off, and lots of girls will fall for it- we want to believe they mean it when they tell us at 2.30 am that we're the most beautiful thing they've ever laid eyes on :rolleyes:

There's nice guys out there, and not so nice ones. The one thing that bugs me though is if he's 27, did he know how old you are? If so, it seems a little unfair of him to be taking advantage- as much as dundalk callin likes to declare how 'savvy' she is about men, most teenage girls are still learning about blokes, and will believe whatever they say.

Try not to let it affect you too much, one-night stands are a part of growing up, put it downt o experience, and hopefully soon you can meet a decent fella who'll let you take your time and take it at your pace.

alfa147

thats how most people lose there Vplates.. dont worry about it.

at least you got it out of the way now so u can learn from this, ull be ready for a proper sexual encounter with the next randomer.

audge

Hey, just read your post, and I have to say, I do not envy you at all. Now I dont mean to be heartless, because I know loosing your virginity is a really big deal, and the fact that you lost your to a one night stand is beyond thinking about, but basically, my only advice to you is... get over this!
You cant let this experience taint your view of men, sex and relationships forever! I have to agree with a lot of the people who posted here, a guy rarely, if ever, wants to start a relationship with someone who puts out on the first night... its harsh but its true (although my friend has been with her boyfriend for four years, and they hooked up the first night they met... its rare that happens though!)
Look, your 19, you dont even remember all the events of the evening, technically, you are no longer a virgin, but you are still virgin to so many experiences.... just learn from this, and your second time, with someone you care about, will feel like your first time, cos what you had was drunken cold sex, you still have yet to make love!

Vangelis

dublindude wrote:

It may not be nice, but it's just the way the world is: men trick women into taking their knickers off.

Not my man. Because he is a man.
But how come this is so? I'm just curious.

Vangelis

Rotide wrote:

Or because they are older than dublindude.

Yes, blokes just want to have sex and now you know this. However, sometimes blokes just wanna fcuk and sometimes they geniunely want to bring you home 'for the start of something beautiful' etc etc. Ignore the guys saying 'i have no respect for girls who put out the first night', Theres no real hard and fast rule for what guys look for. This time clearly the guy just wanted a one night stand. The trick is, i guess, to decide if thats what you want or not.

That is bull****. There are guys who don't want to sleep around for fun but who look for a serious long-term relationship. This is just overrated bollocks.
The guys who want to have one-night-stands go where they can get it - in bars, discos etc. And if you only meet guys in such places it will seem like all guys are like that - because such guys are the only ones you meet! So if you want someone serious, you should look elsewhere. Discos and bars are trash.

annR

Did you use protection? If you can't remember, you need to stop worrying about the deed and worry about the consequences - pregnancy / STD. Don't be afraid to go to your doctor. You shouldn't have to listen to any judgemental stuff, they are only concerned for your health.

Just form your own opinions as to what you want from guys rather than ending up going with what they want and being used. You *can* stay in control. Don't do anything you *already know* you'll regret. Definitely a good reason to ease off the drink. It's tricky I know but you will ultimately not have your time wasted being used by some guy.

Don't worry about him boasting to his mates etc that's all bull**** and not worth your while. You made a mistake, but he is a user . . who's worse.

LegacyUser

Thanks for all the great advice.It has helped me alot.I completely trusted him from the way he talked to me I felt like the most special person in the room.What realy annoys me is he that he got me drunk so deliberately I can't even remember how many drinks he gave me.By the time we had sex I was aware what was happening I did give consent and wanted to do it but did not enjoy it at all.He knew I was a virgin.He didnt use a condom.So next morning I spent an hour in the shower when I got home and I ended up lying on the floor of the shower for two hours.I went to the doctor to get the morning after pill but ended up sobbing and cause I was shivering so much and was so cold I spent half an hour convincing a doctor I hadn't been raped.I know I should learn from it and put it down to experience as some of the posters have said.But I don't think I'm going to drink in the near future and its going to be along time before I'l feel able to trust a man.

alfa147

I have to agree with dublindude here.. he knew what he was doing and tbh she prob did too.

she was drunk and prob alittle horny too.. she woke up in the morning and felt like a slag. welcome to the real world.

Em vangelis, most blokes with a pair of balls and who are single are looking for a one night stand anytime they go out.

Zombrex

dublindude wrote:

It may not be nice, but it's just the way the world is: men trick women into taking their knickers off.

How do you know he tricked her into anything? Did he lie to her, did he tell her he really liked her and wanted to see her? Did he tell her he has never felt this way about anyone blah blah blah?

Zombrex

Vangelis wrote:

There are guys who don't want to sleep around for fun but who look for a serious long-term relationship.

Who says you can't do both?

Beruthiel

jptk wrote:

ha ha ha! Nah your just common trash! And im no nerd

I cannot believe I missed this stupid comment
banned for a week
B

The Corinthian

Wicknight wrote:

Now as anyone who knows me on boards.ie knows I am always going on about consent and drink, but to be honest I don't think this sounds like non-consentual sex, and the OP hasn't mentioned that either, so lets all not jump the gun here.

Oh let’s. That way we can get together with some rope and torches and get really hysterical.

To the OP, you made a choice that you may not have made had you been in full control of your faculties and which you now regret. Welcome to adult life.

In social situations designed to facilitate romantic encounters, such as parties, nightclubs or the like, men will generally seek to get as far as they can with a woman. A man chatting a woman up generally is fairly straightforward; she decides whether she’d sleep with him or not (if sex is even on the menu, as it were) within the first two minutes and he then goes onto entertain her for a number of hours so as to:

1. Convince her to sleep with him sooner rather than later
2. Figure out if she would sleep with him or if she’s just using him as a social prop until a better guy comes along
3. Make her feel that they are not complete strangers and she can trust him and/or she is not behaving as a slut.

Both men and women can be highly manipulative in this area; men convincing women that they want to have sex and women convincing the men they want to have sex with to approach them in the first place.

How does this tally up with relationships? It’s coincidental. A man seducing a woman will give her the impression that he’s promising one - if that’s what he thinks she’s looking for. A woman seducing a man will give him the impression she’s only looking for a ****buddy and then use that to leverage a relationship. And the reverse is also true, although less common.

Over dependence on alcohol in Ireland to instil confidence has meant it has become central to any seduction - from both perspectives. Indeed, you’ll find that a significant percentage of the population has never kissed someone romantically stone cold sober.

So it probably seemed like a good idea at the time to you. You probably were convinced that there would be more to it that there ultimately was. Alcohol impaired your judgment but not to the level that you would not be responsible for your actions (otherwise a lot of drunk drivers would be blameless). He probably gave you the impression that you were the best thing since sliced bread and, by your own implied admission, you were flattered that someone that would not normally be in your league would be interested in you. Even if he never suggested a relationship, he probably implied one indirectly.

All of this added up to you feeling both comfortable and attracted enough to do the wild thing with him.

So you live and learn. We all have nights where we end up in the sack with the wrong person (even guys do) or other nights where we waste out evening perusing someone who promises much and delivers nothing (even gals do).

The least I suggest you do, other than learn from the experience, is that when you next find yourself in a similar situation - and inevitably you will - enjoy it for what it is, if nothing else.

alfa147

hey abcdef12, dont let it turn u off sex or men completly.

u had a bad first experience but the first-time is always crap. trust everyone when they say that.

unless he was really rough with you then take the knock and move on and soon u'll be having sex again.

Fysh

alfa147 wrote:

I have to agree with dublindude here.. he knew what he was doing and tbh she prob did too.

It really doesn't sound that way to me. Sounds like the guy knew what he was doing and the OP fell for him not realising that he was just up for a one-night thing. Whether he deliberately led her on knowing she might be easier to score than someone who'd see through him will never be known, but it sounds that way to me.

The only advice I can offer would be to get yourself checked out with a doctor to make sure there's no repercussions, then try and avoid it happening again unless you know exactly what you're getting into. Unfortunately clubs and parties are often popular spots for people looking for one-night things; just one of those things to be aware of if you meet someone you like there. If you're looking to meet someone but don't want it to be a one-night thing, you'll find it easier if you don't limit yourself to clubs/parties as places to meet new people.

alfa147 wrote:

Em vangelis, most blokes with a pair of balls and who are single are looking for a one night stand anytime they go out.

*sigh*

Yeah, that's it. The only purpose of going out, if you're single, is to get your hole. :rolleyes:

Yes, I know there's loads of clubs that are basically meat markets. It doesn't mean that everyon who goes out at the weekend is looking for one night of sex with nothing attached. Some people are, some people aren't. Going out looking for a one-night thing doesn't make you better or worse than someone who goes out to have a good time with their mates. Why is it so hard for some guys on this board to grasp this, I wonder?

Beruthiel

abcdef12 wrote:

I know I should learn from it and put it down to experience as some of the posters have said.But I don't think I'm going to drink in the near future and its going to be along time before I'l feel able to trust a man.

I think The Corinthian has explained pretty well the way things work when it comes to social gatherings and meeting men.
You have learned from this not so nice experience, chalk it up and don't beat yourself up about it.
I'm quite sure most people could come up with an encounter they later regretted.
Think about what you expect from yourself in the future, decide on lines that won't be crossed and stick to it.
Do not drink more than you can manage, once you feel that the next drink will have you loose control, stop drinking and hit the water. Have water between drinks.
no need to tar all men with the one brush, there are plenty who wouldn't have taken advantage and can be trusted, you just got unlucky.
If you haven't already, I also think there would be no harm getting yourself checked out for STI's, for your own peace of mind.
take care
a

alfa147

Fysh u say that cause ur a girl.. im being honest with you.

its not the only reason to be out but if its there on a plate or if u go looking for it ull take it. i would never bed an ugly girl like so many blokes do but still i do enjoy different sexy encounters as much as i can.

still young enough so its all good.

btw i also like going out for the beer and music.

The Sweeper

abcdef12 wrote:

I can't even remember how many drinks he gave me.By the time we had sex I was aware what was happening I did give consent and wanted to do it but did not enjoy it at all.He knew I was a virgin.He didnt use a condom.So next morning I spent an hour in the shower when I got home and I ended up lying on the floor of the shower for two hours.I went to the doctor to get the morning after pill but ended up sobbing and cause I was shivering so much and was so cold I spent half an hour convincing a doctor I hadn't been raped.

Poor chick.

Welcome to the reality of being a "modern woman". You have learned a number of harsh lessons.

1. You are responsible for your own safety.

Nobody else will look after you when you're out on the lash except you. Watch your drinking, watch your intake of recreational substances, learn to quit while you're still canny enough to get yourself home. Protect your drink when you're in a public place. And don't confuse drunken affection with trustworthiness.

2. It is possible to consent to having sex you don't want to have.

Sound like a contradiction in terms? It's not. It happens. I would even go as far as to say that everyone in their life at some point who is sexually active will end up consenting to having sex that they do not particularly want to have. It'll make you feel not particularly marvellous the next day. Possibly a bit scruffy. Especially if you end up wandering home in the bright light of a Sunday morning with last night's party clothes and last night's makeup still on you. (And have to ask directions in a housing estate to the exit to the main road, and then ask further directions on which side of the road you can get a bus to the city centre. When that happens, get a taxi into town, go into the most expensive bar you can find, freshen up in the toilets, order something sweet and expensive - a manhattan, an irish coffee - and read the papers until you feel like a semi-respectable human being again. Always worked for me.)

3. Everybody likes, respects and values you before they cum.

It's an unfortunate fact of life that, when faced with the opportunity for a tumble, many people, male and female alike will pull out the stops to get laid. You must never forget that at 10pm on a Saturday night when everyone is pissed, YOU ARE A COMMODITY YOU ARE NOT A PERSON. Everything on display is on sale. You have to learn how to haggle, be safe, be sure and be careful.


The bottom line is that you are not a bad person. You just did something a bit silly. You did it because you're young and you're inexperienced. And now you're feeling a little older, and a lot more experienced, and it's not something you'll probably ever let happen quite the same way again. Be nice to yourself for a while and don't be too hard on yourself.

And don't hate all men. There's no point. Learn to value yourself, protect yourself and trust yourself, and you won't be relying on someone else to boost your self-esteem.

Teller

I lost my virginity on a one night stand. It was my first and last one night stand. Okay looking back I'd have preffered it to have been with someone special but it's no big deal really. Don't worry about it.

Santa Claus

Minesajackdaniels wrote:

Poor chick.

Welcome to the reality of being a "modern woman". You have learned a number of harsh lessons.

1. You are responsible for your own safety.

Nobody else will look after you when you're out on the lash except you. Watch your drinking, watch your intake of recreational substances, learn to quit while you're still canny enough to get yourself home. Protect your drink when you're in a public place. And don't confuse drunken affection with trustworthiness.

2. It is possible to consent to having sex you don't want to have.

Sound like a contradiction in terms? It's not. It happens. I would even go as far as to say that everyone in their life at some point who is sexually active will end up consenting to having sex that they do not particularly want to have. It'll make you feel not particularly marvellous the next day. Possibly a bit scruffy. Especially if you end up wandering home in the bright light of a Sunday morning with last night's party clothes and last night's makeup still on you. (And have to ask directions in a housing estate to the exit to the main road, and then ask further directions on which side of the road you can get a bus to the city centre. When that happens, get a taxi into town, go into the most expensive bar you can find, freshen up in the toilets, order something sweet and expensive - a manhattan, an irish coffee - and read the papers until you feel like a semi-respectable human being again. Always worked for me.)

3. Everybody likes, respects and values you before they cum.

It's an unfortunate fact of life that, when faced with the opportunity for a tumble, many people, male and female alike will pull out the stops to get laid. You must never forget that at 10pm on a Saturday night when everyone is pissed, YOU ARE A COMMODITY YOU ARE NOT A PERSON. Everything on display is on sale. You have to learn how to haggle, be safe, be sure and be careful.


The bottom line is that you are not a bad person. You just did something a bit silly. You did it because you're young and you're inexperienced. And now you're feeling a little older, and a lot more experienced, and it's not something you'll probably ever let happen quite the same way again. Be nice to yourself for a while and don't be too hard on yourself.

And don't hate all men. There's no point. Learn to value yourself, protect yourself and trust yourself, and you won't be relying on someone else to boost your self-esteem.

Some excellent advice there MAJD !

(Did the off topic ramblings remind anyone else fo the abercrombie thread?)

LegacyUser

dublindude wrote:

men trick women into taking their knickers off.

Whats the magic word?
Women are not thick and there is not trick. They do it because they like it.

Draupnir

Vangelis wrote:

That is bull****. There are guys who don't want to sleep around for fun but who look for a serious long-term relationship. This is just overrated bollocks.
The guys who want to have one-night-stands go where they can get it - in bars, discos etc. And if you only meet guys in such places it will seem like all guys are like that - because such guys are the only ones you meet! So if you want someone serious, you should look elsewhere. Discos and bars are trash.

Nope, what you said is bull****. I know a lot of people, me included, who made their girlfriends in bars and are very very happy in long term relationships.

There is only one thing to say, generalisations are bad.

To the OP, its tough I know but you just have to move on, put this experience behind you and try to find someone special to do it with in future.

At least look at it this way, the next time you do it, you can make sure it is with someone you really want it with and you can enjoy it and remember it and maybe not be shìt faced at the time.

Fysh

alfa147 wrote:

Fysh u say that cause ur a girl.. im being honest with you.

its not the only reason to be out but if its there on a plate or if u go looking for it ull take it.

OT : *checks contents of boxers* Nope, still all male. I just don't particularly feel the need to get laid every time I go out. Some people do, and that's fine. Some people don't, and it's equally fine. Stop trying to claim that all single men want to have one night stands - it's just plain not the case. People want to to go out and do whatever they find fun - sometimes that'll involve scoring someone, othertimes not.

Back on topic : I think MAJD's post is pretty much the best advice given in this thread, particularly regarding "consensual sex you didn't particularly want". Best approach is to chalk up what happened to experience and figure out how you can stop yourself falling for the same trap next time.

Supercell

Who cares, "virginity" is something the priests who take a vow of celibicy care about.
I really dont understand whats the difference between a lad who dreams about Jessica Alba or whatever rocks his boat and a girl that rides a horse and breaks her hymen (or has a nice dream) ..virginity is just a state of mind..it nothing lost or gained.

Get over it..regret the cheap shag you had, the first time you make love with a partner will mean a hell of a lot more than the casual sex you had with some disco stu you met at the local.

AARRRGH

cherno wrote:

Whats the magic word?
Women are not thick and there is not trick. They do it because they like it.

No, I firmly believe a lot of girls are tricked by the guy. Not in a "I didn't want to have sex with him" kind of way, but in a "he suggested he was looking for something more than just sex..." kind of way.

Guys use all kinds of "chatting up techniques" to get girls into bed. Most of them revolve around lying through their teeth.

I think a lot of girls who have one night stands wouldn't have slept with the guy if they knew he wouldn't have the deceny to text/ring them a few days later...

Zombrex

dublindude wrote:

No, I firmly believe a lot of girls are tricked by the guy. Not in a "I didn't want to have sex with him" kind of way, but in a "he suggested he was looking for something more than just sex..." kind of way.

They still have sex with him though ...

Not disagreeing with you, I know guys who promise more than they end up giving (emotionally and in the bed room .. ziing!), but I also think women tend to believe what they want to believe. Just speaking from personal experience, I have been with at least one girl who still thought the sex "meant something" even when I went out of my way to hint/stress it didn't (bar saying "I want to shag you but I don't I want to date you")

chump

Beruthiel wrote:

no need to tar all men with the one brush, there are plenty who wouldn't have taken advantage and can be trusted, you just got unlucky.

bad luck to the OP...
I think the above comment sums it up well... I honestly think this was lower than what an average bloke would do... don't get me started with the 'shag anything blah blah blah' ... but this lad was way older, was told she was a virgin, tried his very best to get her legless drunk, didn't use protection ...
he was a fukkin ashshole ...
Yes, blokes wanna shag the girls they meet, but they also want the girl to want to shag them and for both parties to have a good time ... and if yas get on well see each other again... but most blokes usually have some respect for the girl

he tee'ed you up and got what he wanted... he obviously didn't have the decency, or regret, the next day to know that he probably pushed his luck and try his best to apologise and see ya again and all the rest... which would have made the situation a whole lot better...

Basically OP, bad luck, move on, don't fall into the same situation ever again and never let your friends ... you should always call the shots
Unfortunately while he was clearly a dik, you made a mistake...
Learn from it

As an aside, I've heard of folks who've gotten nasty things from their 1st or 2nd sexual contact, so don't think the chances are you didnt catch anything... get yourself fully checked out now, and again in a few months

chin up tho, and in general most blokes are grand (yeaa roiht! )