Nun Jokes

Hagar

A Highway Patrolman pulls over a car that was going very slow on the highway. When he walks up to the driver’s window, he notices that the car is full of nuns. All but the driver are sitting huddled in their seats, pale and trembling.
The cop says to the driver, “Sister, the speed limit on this highway is 55 mph. Why were you going so slow?”
The nun replies, “Officer, I saw a lot of signs that said 31, not 55.”
The cop laughs and answers, “Oh, Sister, that’s not the speed limit. That’s the name of the highway you’re on! Highway 31.”
The Sister says, “Oh, how silly of me! Thanks for telling me about that.”
Curious, the cop then asks, “Excuse me, Sister, but what’s wrong with your friends? They look like nervous wrecks.”
The Sister looks sheepish and answers, “Oh, well, we just got off of Highway 137.”

***********
Two Scottish nuns have traveled to the US for the first time. Walking through the airport, they see a hot-dog stand.
“So it’s true that the people in this country eat dogs,” says one.
“How strange!” exclaims her companion. “Well, if we’re going to be in America, we ought to act as the Americans do.” Going up to the cart, they ask for two dogs. The vendor fixes two hot-dogs, wraps them up in foil, and hands them over.
Curious to see this new culinary treat, the nuns rush to a nearby table. The first nun unwraps her meal first, stares at it, blushes, and then leans over towards the other nun.
“Um. . .what part of the dog did you get?” she whispers.
***********
A Mother Superior is questioning a new nun.
“If you’re walking in town late at night, and a man with wicked intentions accosts you, what would you do?” she asks.
“I would life my habit,” replies the nun. The Mother Superior is quite shocked at that response, but decides to continue with the questioning.
“Well, what would you do next?” she asks.
“I would ask him to drop his pants,” the nun answers calmly.
“Why on earth for?” demands the Mother Superior, scandalized.
“Because I can run away faster with my habit hitched up than he can with his pants down around his ankles”.
***********
Did you hear about the man who opened a dry-cleaning business next door to a convent?
He knocked on the convent’s door and asked the Mother Superior if she had any dirty habits.
***********
A nun is driving the convent’s van down a lonely road when the petrol runs out. She hikes several miles back to a service station she’d passed earlier, but forgot to bring along a can for the petrol. The attendant wants to be of help, but he doesn’t have any spare cans, either. So after a moment’s thought, he fills an old chamberpot with petrol and hands it to her. The nun walks back to the van and starts pouring the petrol into the tank when a passing car stops. The driver rolls down his window and stares for a moment as she empties the chamberpot.
“Sister, I wish I had as much faith as you do!” he says.
***********
During a fire at a convent, a group of nuns are trapped on the third floor. Thinking quickly, they decide to take off their habits, tie them together, and use them as a rope to climb down from the window. After safely reaching the ground, a reporter runs up to them.
“Weren’t you worried that the habits would have torn as you were climbing down? They look to be awfully worn and old!” he asks.
“Of course not!” replies one of the nuns. “Don’t you know how hard it is to break an old habit?”
***********
Sister Mary burst into the office of the principal of a parochial school in a very advanced state of agitation. “Father!” she cried, “just wait until you hear this!”
The priest led the sister to a chair, and said, “Now just calm down and tell me what has you so excited?”
“Well, Father” the nun began, “I was just walking down the hall to the chapel and I heard some of the older boys wagering money!”
“A serious infraction, indeed!” said the priest.
“But that’s not what has me so shocked, Father,” replied the nun, “it was what they were wagering on! They had wagered on a contest to see who could urinate the highest on the wall!”
“What an incredible wager!” exclaimed the priest, “What did you do?”
“Well, I hit the ceiling, father.”
To which the priest replied, “How much did you win?”
***********
Two nuns are driving home from a long hard day of nun’s work. They left the home of a dying woman late that night and entered a long stretch of supposedly haunted road just as it starts to rain. As they drove though this dark, dark rainstorm with lightning flashing all around, and their car sliding all over the road, the Devil himself appears on the bonnet of the car.
“Oh my,” says the first nun, “it’s Satan, the Dark Lord.” The other nun, driving, says “Lean out the window, and show him your Cross.” So nun one leans out the window and yells “ Hey, asshole, get off the bonnet!”
***********
Two aspirant nuns stay out too late one night and come back to find the doors to their convent closed and locked. The first nun immediately begins to worry that their absence will be noticed and they’ll get into trouble.
“Don’t worry!” says the second nun, “I know another way in.”
So the two nuns go round the back of the convent, an the second nun boosts the first onto the back wall.
As the first nun reaches down to help the second up, she says, “You know, I feel like a commando.”
“Me too!” grunts the second nun, “But where the **** are we going to find one at this time of night!”

***********
A drunk steps out of a pub. The first person he sees is a nun. He runs up to the nun & starts punching, kicking, and biting her. The nun begins to scream, but the drunk knocks her to the ground. The nun tries to get up, but she keeps getting pummeled by the drunk. He’s cursing, yelling, & screaming threats at her. Finally, the nun is able to get away from the drunk. As she’s taking flight down the street, she hears the drunk yell, “Not so tough, now, are ya, Batman?!?”

Capt'n Midnight

excellent

bozzie

Hagar wrote:

***********
A Mother Superior is questioning a new nun.
“If you’re walking in town late at night, and a man with wicked intentions accosts you, what would you do?” she asks.
“I would life my habit,” replies the nun. The Mother Superior is quite shocked at that response, but decides to continue with the questioning.
“Well, what would you do next?” she asks.
“I would ask him to drop his pants,” the nun answers calmly.
“Why on earth for?” demands the Mother Superior, scandalized.
“Because I can run away faster with my habit hitched up than he can with his pants down around his ankles”.

hilarious

TerrorFirmer

All funny for the wrong reasons apart from the last one relating to batman, brilliant

tallus

Loved the batman one

kmart6

Class