Normal??

Nialla(''_)

Been with my boyfriend now for almost 3 years and living together 2... Love each other very much, he is a very loving and affectionate person... BUT.. We have not had intercourse for over a year (not my choice)... I had to come off my form of contraception in Sept '04 for health reasons and because my cycle went haywire I couldnt go on anthing else for a long time and when I did the new pill made me deeply depressed and gain a lot of weight... The problem is he refuses to use condoms with me because he is "paranoid" that it will break unknown to us and I will end up preggers... He is 30 and I am mid 20's... this really getting me down because I feel hurt that he could go for over a year without wanting to have intercourse with me we are both young and in the prime of our lives and it bugs me that he will let this stop us from enjoying each others bodies to the full... we do have the odd fumble now and again but never "all the way" and even at that he still gets paranoid and Iv been sent for the morning after pill on occastion after a fumbling session??.... Is this the norm for couples or am I crazy for letting this go on so long??? I have tried to have this out with him and have packed my bags in the past but he always convinces me that everything is ok and he loves me etc.... I have forgotten what sex is like at this stage but I dont want to lose him dont get me wrong Im not ready for a baby yet either but there are ways around it... Am I wrong here?? all view welcome... thanks

audge

WHOLE YEAR, LIVING TOGETHER, NO SEX?
Jeeze! Would he consider the snip? it can be reversed if you want kids at a later stage?
It sounds like there is more going on here then a fear of unplanned pregnancy, at 30, even though he doesn't want children right now, he shouldn't be THAT afraid. I woudl say if you don't sort this soon, this is the situation your faced with long term, should you decide to stay in the relationship. Would he consider relationship councelling?

RE*AC*TOR

It does sounds like he hasa slightly obsessive fear about getting pregnant. he probably wants to step up but is hesitant for fear of responsiblity / commitment / and other issues associated with pregnancy.

You need to sit down and discuss all your options - and its probably wise that you say (assuming you feel this way) that continuing in this fashion isn't an option.

Out of curiosity are religious beliefs at all a factor?

Beruthiel

well I certainly wouldn't just count on a condom from getting me preggers, that's something you will have to sort out
however
you can still have fantastic sex without actually having penetration you know.
I highly recommend oral, surely you've been doing that???
If you haven't then I'd like to know why??? cos that would suggest to me that there's more to this than meets the eye

BoozyBabe

Don't think I'm in a position to tell you what to do here, but NO, that isn't normal. A year so far & you share the same bed every night & absolutely nothing & you're only in your twenties........ I feel so sorry for you
Plus, there's no end in sight is there?

I mean, we don't know enough here to judge anything & so I don't mean any offence whatsoever but does he DEFINITELY still fancy you & it's just the fear of getting you pregnant that's stopping him? (Also really sorry to ask but:- he's definitely not playing away from home?)

A relationship is supposed to be 50/50. For a whole year he has won, you've more than likely wanted sex but he doesn't give it to you.
Surely if the fear of pregnancy is the only thing on his mind, then you could roughly estimate when you're least likely to be fertile, use a condom & get him to pull out a bit before he comes, at least that way you're getting something!

Yes, it's definitely not fool proof but the chances would have to be pretty slim. (If you're like me, oral's great, but you just have to have penetration sometimes too)

It just seems really unfair that your needs are not being listened to at all.

you may really love him but if this continues I imagine it'll end up pulling ye apart, you're only human after all (tho not sure if he is!! )

Nialla(''_)

To Reactor... No neither of us are very religeous

To Beruthiel... we do have oral and other stuff but not very often and no penetration whatsoever..

Beruthiel

Nialla(''_) wrote:

To Beruthiel... we do have oral and other stuff but not very often

if it's not very often, than perhaps the real problem here is boredom/lack of interest.... you should probably be sitting down for a chat or working out ways to make it interesting again

dudara

Yes, a big-time chat is most definitely in order.

It is not anyway normal not to have sex in the course of a year. It really does beg the question, "Is he getting it elsewhere?"

Question? Were the fumbling sessions drink-fuelled?

Nialla(''_)

Question? Were the fumbling sessions drink-fuelled?[/QUOTE]
Not really, hes not a big drinker... I dont think hes getting it elsewhere to be fair, hes very rarely unaccounted for and he hardly ever goes out with friends on the tear, if ever... I dont know, maybe as someone suggested above, he just doesnt fancy me anymore I dont know what Im gonna do but thanks for your comments...

LegacyUser

Im sorry but this is so far from normal. Every person has wants and needs, he obviously doesnt give a stuff about yours and its far from normal for a healthy young man not to get urges.

To be honest, can you be 100% sure he didnt cheat on you about the time he stopped sleeping with you and caught some disease? Sorry but a whole year.

I dont mean to be horrible and I do feel for you but there has to be more to it than an unwanted pregnancy.

dudara

you'll just have to sit down together and ask him directly what's going on. After 3 years, you undoubtedly know him extremely well, so you'll have a fair idea whether his replies are genuine or not. Don't stop talking until you've answered all your questions. Communication truly is to key to relationships.

The very best of luck. Wanting, but not having, sex for a year is a horrible place to be, especially in a relationship with someone you love. I hope that it resolves itself.

Santa Claus

What about condoms such as Durex extra safe which are slightly thicker than normal condoms (not enough that he'd notice) and I believe they have a spermicidal coating which further reduces the risk of pregnancy.

No penetrative sex after living together for 2 years is most definitely not normal.

seamus

Quite certainly not normal. You know yourself, but even a man with a very low sex drive, would have the inclination quite regularly.

I would suggest as least, as said, that you sit down and engage him on it, but ultimately he may need counselling about his paranoia, or you may need to both go to relationship counselling.

BoozyBabe

Nialla(''_) wrote:

maybe as someone suggested above, he just doesnt fancy me anymore

Nialla, that was me, but I didn't say he doesn't fancy you, I only asked you could it be possible.
From your 'fumblings' & his desire to fumble & the frequency of these fumbles, & the fact that you've known him for 3years you should be able to tell whether or not he does fancy you.

When you first went out was there EVER a time when you weren't on the pill but ye were gagging for it so he made do with a condom!!!!!!!!???? i.e. Is it only now when it suits him that he's saying no sex with just a condom?

Anyway, you've put up with an awful lot (or maybe more like a lack of anything) & I'm sure all our hearts are with you.
you definitely need to have that chat with him & tell him how this is making you feel & the doubts it's putting in your mind. If he's not willing to make any sacrifices for you then I think you've a lot of decisions to make about your relationship with him.
There are an awful lot of men on this planet that would jump at the chance to satisfy your needs, so while you're in your twenties if your bf is not willing to change anything for you, maybe consider going & getting yourself one of those nice juicy (seriously, no pun intended, yuck!!) Lads

Best of Luck with your chat etc, & I hope the overall outcome is the one that makes you happiest

Nialla(''_)

Santa Claus wrote:

What about condoms such as Durex extra safe which are slightly thicker than normal condoms
We have tried these in the past.. but he still doesnt trust them and is of the opinion that its not worth the worry for the rest of the month..

Nialla(''_)

BoozyBabe wrote:

Nialla, that was me, but I didn't say he doesn't fancy you, I only asked you could it be possible.

I know you didnt directly say it but its something that maybe I have to face up to under the circumstances..

txt_mess

Nialla , i can understand where your bf is coming from as despite using condoms and gf on the pill , I have a lovely 10 month old daughter now so I must admit to being slightly paranoid myself ( I'm not looking to debate correct usage of contraception here just stating the my own situation).

But I will say no sex for a year in a committed relationship where it previously has happened is a bit strange. My best guess is even though your bf does have some concerns i doubt thats the root of the problem more like the first thing to come to mind.

There might be something else he is worried about then just having a baby try and talk it out without discussing leaving each other or using "do you not love me" questions , try and keep it calm and hopefully he will open up a bit.

As an aside I do have a friend I used to go to school with who was so paranoid of having a child with down syndrome (as his brother was born with it ) that when he was 19 he got the snip , so I guess its not unheard of to be that paranoid about kids.

RE*AC*TOR

Ok - break out some statistics on him.
Assuming you can't use the pill anymore - you could couple using a diaphragm (with spermicide), a condom and the calendar method. Without working out the exact odds. The risk would be fairly much zero.

for example:

assuming perfect use of contraceptive, risk of failure:
condom 3%
withdrawal 4%
diaphragm 6%

combined risk of failure = 0.03 x 0.04 x 0.06 = 0.000072 = 0.0072%

assuming typical use of contraceptive, risk of failure:
condom 14%
withdrawal 19%
diaphragm 20%

combined risk of failure = 0.14 x 0.19 x 0.2 = 0.00532 = 0.532%


statistic from http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/summarychart.html

chuci

Nialla(''_) wrote:

I had to come off my form of contraception in Sept '04 for health reasons and because my cycle went haywire I couldnt go on anthing else for a long time and when I did the new pill made me deeply depressed and gain a lot of weight...

why just not use like a differnt type of contraception but i guess the only one that would be suitable for your age would be the diaphram on a vaginal ring but that releases the same hormones as the pill so it prob wouldnt suit. as for the year without sex i personally wouldnt consider it normal but i guess every rrelationship is different.
what was it like when ye first met?were you on the pill then or did he use comdoms?or did ye just both abstain?

Nialla(''_)

what was it like when ye first met?were you on the pill then or did he use comdoms?or did ye just both abstain?[/QUOTE]
we used condoms or else he'd just pull out... we did this for about 6 months and then I went on a longterm contraception for a year and a half which was fine until I came off it for health reason, thats when the no sex thing started...

audge

Why is she soley responsible for birth control?? There are plenty of things he could do and they could still have sex. I don't buy the fear of pregnancy thing. It definately runs deeper!

BoozyBabe

Oh Dear,

From where we're sitting that doesn't look at all good.

You really need to sit down with him & find out what his real issues are.
Like ask him why it was ok for the 1st 6 months & not now, if it really is paranoia & you're willing to work through it then get him or both of ye to see a counsellor about this, it's not fair for him to expect you to do without because of his issues (especially when he didn't have them at the beginning)

Chucky the tree

Nialla(''_) wrote:

what was it like when ye first met?were you on the pill then or did he use comdoms?or did ye just both abstain?

we used condoms or else he'd just pull out... we did this for about 6 months and then I went on a longterm contraception for a year and a half which was fine until I came off it for health reason, thats when the no sex thing started... [/QUOTE]



chances are he doesnt fancy you anymore or has lost interest, or is seeing someone else. He could of got another girl up the duff and mightnt want to risk it happening to you aswell.

If at first he had no problem using condoms then to suddenly turn around now and say he doesnt want to is very strange. Chances are its more then just the risk of you getting pregnant

Keyzer

I would have to agree with the post above this.
In my opinion its one of the following -

1. He doesnt fancy you any more
2. He's seeing someone else

Can he still get an erection?

I'm surprised you have put up with this behaviour for a year.
Most women wouldnt put up with it for a week.....

At the end of it all, you need to draw the line.
Are you going to allow your boyfriend to dictate the amount of sex you get.
IMO, sex is more than the physical for a woman in a relationship. Sex reaffirms the womans sexiness and beauty, and its also a huge display of affection from the man in the eyes of a woman.
To not have that for a year, jeez, you gotta take a long hard look at your relationship cos whatever way you look at it, there could be irrepairable damage done already....

Nialla(''_)

Can he still get an erection?

Yes hes working fine in that department, like I said we do fool around but just the whole penetration thing is out of the question... Maybe Im being selfish with the contrception thing, I know other girls who get depressed and gain weight on the pill but I just cant face it, it effects me really badly

LegacyUser

I heard a while back that the pill can destroy a womans sex drive permanently.
I told my gf to get off the pill.
I dont like the concept of it anyway.
We use condoms now.
I dont think that the situation is normal, is he masturbating a lot?

Santa Claus

Nialla(''_) wrote:

Can he still get an erection?

Yes hes working fine in that department, like I said we do fool around but just the whole penetration thing is out of the question... Maybe Im being selfish with the contrception thing, I know other girls who get depressed and gain weight on the pill but I just cant face it, it effects me really badly

You shouldn't have to take the pill if it effects you that way. My ex has similar reactions to the pill so we used alternative methods.

Lack of libido can often be associated with other things, maybe he's just too embarassed to say he doesn't feel like it in case it'll hurt your feelings (yes i know how ironic that sounds) and so is using the condom thing as an excuse.

Does he lack interest in any other areas (not sexual), i.e. doesn't like going out with his mates as much as before etc, not as interested in sports as he used to be, etc.... ?
If so these could point to something weighing on his mind or possibly even a form of depression.

Other thing is, does he watch a lot of porn ? Maybe normal sex (even with the love of his life) doesn't float his boat anymore unless there's a latex mask donkey and a midget involved...OK, that's an extreme example but maybe you should try spicing things up bedroomwise (bring him in to Ann summers and you both pick out something maybe) and see if that peaks his interest.

Canis Lupus

You've been with your man for 3 years. Instead of asking an internet forum if it's normal sit your man down and ask him why he isn't giving you a rodgering more often?

Or to be less crass. Grab a bottle of wine or something, sit down and have a frank discussion with your man.

kittenkiller

You poor lamb.
Have you considered other forms of contraception?
I know that the coil is usually only implanted after at least 1 pregnancy, but there are still a fair few doctors out there that'll put it in even f that isn't the situation.

Perhaps ask him outright if there's a chance he caught something from someone.
A reluctance for penetration may be a sign that he doesn't want to pass anything on.

Bring home leaflets on different forms of contraception & try going through them with your boyfriend.

It'd be a shame to throw away 3 years because of a lack of sex.
But you must feel awful to be constantly rejected like that.
Do something, for your own sake, it's not fair on you.

Best of luck.

Zombrex

Nialla(''_) wrote:

Maybe Im being selfish with the contrception thing, I know other girls who get depressed and gain weight on the pill but I just cant face it, it effects me really badly

Why should you have to. Lots of women don't take the pill and have perfectly happy sex lives (i'm a man btw, I read about this stuff ) ... yes you have to be careful, but you should be careful anyway, the pill isn't 100% either.

If he has had bad experiences with the condom ripping a lot he is probably putting it on wrong. When I first started I was always having the condom rip, even the Durex extra safe, to the point where I just assumed condoms were like this (ie crap) until I realised I was actually putting it on wrong, stretching it over instead of rolling it fully down. Since then I have never had a condom rip.

As everyone else has said, talk to your man about this try and find out what he is thinking. Have you discussed morning after pills and that kinda thing if an accident does happen?

Red Alert

speaking as a guy, there's definitely something else going on here. B rightly says that the condom alone isn't good enough for contraception but let's face it, a good few of us (myself included) have had sex with just the condom for protection. enough on that, what makes this story sound weird is the following:

• women will sometimes refuse sex
• lads will hardly ever

and your boyfriend has been saying no for two years? if i didn't get sex for more than a year i'd probably go insane, and from your story i don't think the problem is with you at all. he could be screwing somebody else, but that doesn't add up given the length of time involved, if that was the case i'd imagine he'd jump ship (especially seen as he doesn't want sex from you). he could have screwed somebody else and (thought he) got an STI - possible, although two years down the line is too much for that. he might not fancy you any more, but if that was the case why did he stay in the relationship for so long.

the only question i'd ask here is are either of you dependent on one another financially (given that you're living together)? maybe he's scared of moving out or things ending - and he's taking the safe option.

how do you feel about all this in general? if you knew this situation would last for so long what would you have done?

every relationship I've been in so far ended due to not talking about something - don't let that happen to you. i hope you talk to him soon, and then do what's right for you. best of luck

Jesper

Hi Nialla.
As everyone else is saying the lack of sex is the result of something else and it looks like its being mirrowed in every part of his like. I.E. lack of enthuasm in most parts of his life. How is his working life/family life at the moment? A litanney of things could be affecting him and us boys don't like talking much. Is he caugh up about his 30th bday etc.
You seem to be upset about this. Therefore your in a position of vunerability which you do not deserve. Its been said lack of sex isn't worth breaking up a relationship over... Half true. Being in a unhappy relationship is worth breaking up over. I.E. your worries, lack of confidence, lack of sex (which is a main intimacy part of any relationship especially young couples like yourselves) being with someone who wasn't the person you though he was on wanted. Now you should certainly talk. Twice. First time he'l get angry and walk of. Take the last word and say that if he doesn't talk to you, you'll leave him. On the second talk (if it happens) if you can't find a solution that you both like I'd suggest making the hard decision. Your only in your mid twenties, I'm in them to and am desperately looking NOT to be in a relationship! You'll do fine.;)
If none of this works buy this http://cgi.ebay.co.uk/BRAND-NEW-IN-BOX-IMPROVED-RABBIT_W0QQitemZ5631553639QQcategoryZ88433QQrdZ1QQcmdZViewItem Don't look at me like that! I do my job!

Victor

Nialla(''_), I suggest strongly that you find out the basis of his paranoia. Consider individual and couple counselling.

Resorting to the Morning After Pill on a regular basis is probably going to be rough on your body.

RE*AC*TOR wrote:

Ok - break out some statistics on him. Assuming you can't use the pill anymore - you could couple using a diaphragm (with spermicide), a condom and the calendar method. Without working out the exact odds. The risk would be fairly much zero.

for example:

....

statistic from http://www.youngwomenshealth.org/summarychart.html

The above maths may not be, dare I even say probably isn't, accurate. Unless you have a medical and/or statistical degree. Do not rely on the aboce.

LegacyUser

I don't know what is wrong, but I suspect either he is worried about STDs or genetic diseases. Or maybe he feels it would be a marriage trap if you got pregnant, but if that was the case shouldn't he just jump ship. It is possible his is depressed or has something on his mind.

MojoMaker

Nialla(''_) wrote:

...until I came off it for health reasons, thats when the no sex thing started...

You might find the root cause of his lack of interest in sex right there. There is more to this than is being disclosed here.

chuci

Nialla(''_) wrote:

we used condoms or else he'd just pull out... we did this for about 6 months and then I went on a longterm contraception for a year and a half which was fine until I came off it for health reason, thats when the no sex thing started...

why dont you tell him that withdrawing early can still get you preg. to the moderators i know this isnt a medical board. but you could still have gotten preg with early withdrawal,the pre-cum has sperm cells in it too which is why its not an advisable form of contraception.

Nialla(''_)

To answer some of the above questions... he seems generally happy to me, he is not depressed, we have a great social life together, and as I said in my original post we are very close and he is a very loving and affectionate person... cheers for your comments.. My question was.. is this normal? and you have answered my question to my satisfaction that NO it is not, what I am going to do about it, I dont yet know... But thanks anyway

WhiteWashMan

Nialla(''_) wrote:

To answer some of the above questions... he seems generally happy to me, he is not depressed, we have a great social life together, and as I said in my original post we are very close and he is a very loving and affectionate person... cheers for your comments.. My question was.. is this normal? and you have answered my question to my satisfaction that NO it is not, what I am going to do about it, I dont yet know... But thanks anyway

there is no 'straight' answer, but i think in most situations what is happening could be considered (i wont say unnatural) odd.

there is obviously something other than the pregnancy excuse, something far deep rooted that has happened or that goes on in his brain.
remember, men, biologically have the ability to have intercourse at any stage in any situation. is the human condition, so the chances are that unless he is depressed, or there is a physical condition, he is probably horny most of the time.
thats just fact.
as a woman, you probably go through phases depending on your cycle etc.
that also, is just a fact.

however, and i say this from my own past experience, it may be that after a number of issues over a few months at the begining you just couldnt have sex. either through the condom issue, weight gain leading to you feeling unsexy, general feelings of unsexiness due to hormonal changes, changes in your cycle, and probably outside influences like work, family etc.
i can say that when that has happened to me, its not that i felt any less for my partner, i did not fancy her less, or think her less sexy.
what i did feel though was neglected. and it was not her fault. some people equate sex as a large part of 'shoing' their love and effection. and when that part is missing for a while, it tends to leave you feeling a little bit distanced and in need of some good ol fashioned tlc to be honest.
after that, you cop on, and you realise that your partner is having no fun, its not you, and you tend to leave her be and not harrass her into something. after all, you can only get shot down so often!

in my case, i got to the point where everything in my life was fine, with the exception of intercourse. it got to the point that in the very infreuquent times we did manage to both feel amorous at the same time, i would suddenly feel like i was on stage. almost like sufferning from bedroom performance anxiety. its silly, but i actually felt incredibly self consious, all i wanted was for her to enjoy herself, you try to hard, you get frustrated and yo ufeel (scuse the pun) impotent.

the point?
it may be a combination of a number of things.
it may be that he has just forgotten how to enjoy himself and now feels awkward.
it may be that yes, he does have issues with condoms
it may be that your relationship has been all about everything else for so long that being sexy with someone that he loves so much seems almost rude.
it may be just that you both have to rediscover how much fun sex can be, and how lovely making love is.

if he is still with you, and youre relationship is still strong and good, then he is probably not sleeping with someone else,he probably still loves you greatly.

if you are not having sex and there is constant arguments, constant bouts of non communication and constant walk outs, then i think sex is the least of your worries

my suggestion. go out for a nice romantic dinner, make sure you have 2 nice bottles of wine at home, and go out and just chat. be direct. dont be accusatory, or he will get defensive. explain how you feel, explain how youve felt. ask him what he thinks and his opinions and both of you should arrange that you should start again in the sack as if you have just met.
talk about what you like in bed.

if he still has the condom thing, then thats an issue that you are going to have to take up head on. you need to get over this, together.
it takes two to tango, so involve him in the solving of the problem.



by the way, just a note, the example of not being like a porn star in the bedroom was something that happened to a friend of mine, i just thought it more useful to pretend it was me for this excerise. i have never had any problem satisfying any of my ladies
/Thoepolis T Wildebeast

annR

Hi there

It's a very difficult one . . . .if it did all start when you had to come off the pill, I'm inclined to take it at face value and believe that it's genuinely related to pregancy worrries on his part. Maybe he's just completely paranoid.

However I do wonder how he could have coped without doing it all this time.

The last post was a good one. . .. however all this started, is there couple things getting in the way of sex now? Other problems? But in your post, it doesn't really sound like it, you say he is loving and you are very close so I believe you . . . .all I can think of is that he is genuinely paranoid and needs to discuss with you more why he is so paranoid and does he think he is being reasonable and this is normal.

If he sees nothing wrong, that's a problem. If he admits that it's not normal, you're already on the way to finding out the issue I guess. Who knows what his fears are . . .for all we know he may not consider himself to be a fit father or something. Whatever it is, be sensitive that it might be difficult for him to explain, he may not even know himself why he is so paranoid.

LegacyUser

annR wrote:

However I do wonder how he could have coped without doing it all this time.

Why does everyone presume that because a man hasn't had sex for a year that his testicles will explode?

annR

I'm only going by what the other guys have been saying

Beruthiel

psychoBob wrote:

Why does everyone presume that because a man hasn't had sex for a year that his testicles will explode?

because of the backlog of course!

audge

Ok this whole thing is ridiculous, if you are going to insist that the reason you have not had sex for a year is because of your partners fear of pregnancy then do something about it.
Go to your doctor, both of you, discuss various types of contraception, which can include him going under the knife, its not only you who can prevent pregnancy, there are hundreds of different pills, you will find the right one for you, pill aside there is the injection, the bar, the coil.... So many options that you need to try and test before dismissing.

However, I believe you will be wasting your time, there is far more to it then a fear of pregnacy, perhaps while your at you gp you can both be tested for STI's, and if you get the all clear the the only option left is counciling, or facing the fact you should you stay in this relationship, sex may never be a part of it. (and in that sense, sex will be the biggest issue of all!)