Top Tips

Gordon

From Viz "magazine"
http://www.viz.co.uk/

A cigarette butt placed beneath a Band-Aid makes a cheap nicotene patch.

When asked if you have any questions at a job interview, increase your chances of getting the job by asking the interviewer, or the whole panel in turn where they get their hair cut.

Taxi drivers. Remove the bulbs from your indicators in case you momentarily forget what you do for a living and inadvertantly signal.

DIY enthusiasts. Make your approach more professional by starting three days late, wearing ill fitting trousers and shaking your head at regular intervals.

Convince your wife that she's "followed through" during the night by slipping a chocolate button between the cheeks of her arse as she sleeps.

Women travel writers. Get paid a fortune to travel somewhere wonderful and exotic and then submit the usual article about how useful a sarong is.

Supermarkets. Save money on printing by labelling your "economy" goods "Shit" instead.

Big Brother winners. After having every fart, **** and piss broadcast to the nation, keep what little dignity you have left by not releasing a piss poor single at Christmas.

Sex offenders with a taste for elderly ladies. Lure your victims into your car with the promise of medicine and slippers.

Save 40p a week by just giving 60p to a big issue vendor instead of buying the magazine.

A series of quiet burps in your sleeping wife's ear will ensure she has pleasant dreams about burps. Similar results can be achieved with farts.

Don't waste money buying Lo-salt. Normal salt is the same height and twice as tasty.

Sado masochists. Don't waste money on dominatrix protitutes. Simply travel on a Virgin train at 5pm on a Friday. Discomfort, degradation, real danger and verbal abuse from specialists in uniform for a fraction of what you would spend in Marylebone.

Makers of the Gillette Mach 3 razor. Save monbey by putting the blade that shaves the closest at the front and forgetting about the other two.