5 Affairs

Crash&Burn

The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two
stunningly beautiful teen-aged daughters.
They decided to try one last time for
the son they always wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant
and sure enough, nine months later delivered
healthy baby boy. The joyful father rushed to the
nursery to see his new son. He took one look and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had
ever seen. He went to his wife and said that there
was no way that he could be the father of that
child.
"Look at the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked,
"Have you been fooling around on me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this
time."

The Second Affair
A mortician was working late one night. It was
his job to examine the bodies before they were
sent off to be buried or cremated. As he
examined the body of Mr. Schwartz, who was
about to be cremated, he made an amazing
discovery: Schwartz had the longest
private part he had ever Seen! "I'm sorry
Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I
can't send you off to be cremated with a
tremendously huge private part like this. It
has to be saved for posterity." And with that
the coroner used his tools to remove the
dead man's privates.
The coroner stuffed his prize into a briefcase
and took it home. The first person he showed
was his wife. "I have something to show you that
you won't believe," he said, and opened his
briefcase.
"Oh my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is dead!"

The Third Affair
A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard
her husband opening the front door. "Hurry!" she
said, "stand in the corner." She quickly rubbed
baby oil all over him and then she dusted Him
with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell you
to," she whispered." Just pretend you're a
statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he
entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom.
I liked it so much, I got one for us too."
No more was said about the statue, not even later
that night when they went to sleep. Around two
in the morning the husband got out of bed, went
to the kitchen and returned a while later with a
sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he said to
the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an
idiot at the Smiths' for three days, and nobody
offered me as much as a glass of water."

The Fourth Affair
A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to
the bar and asks for a beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE CENT!" exclaimed the guy
The barman replied "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with
chips, peas, and a fried egg?"
"Certainly sir," replies the bartender, but all
that comes to real money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy. "4 cents",
he replies.
"FOUR cents!" exclaims the guy. "Where's the Guy
who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his
business."

The Fifth Affair
Jake was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining
candlelight vigil by his side. She held his fragile
hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused him from his slumber. He looked up and
his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling
Becky," he whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't
talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired
voice "I have something I must confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the
weeping Becky. "Everything's all right,
go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I
slept with your Sister, your best friend,
her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know" Becky whispered softly. "That's why I
poisoned you.

Lump

LOL, Love the last one


John

DeadBankClerk

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