The 5 Affairs

Kraken

The First Affair
There was a middle-aged couple who had two stunningly beautiful teenage
daughters. They decided to try one last time for the son they always
wanted.
After months of trying, the Wife became pregnant and, sure enough, nine
months
later delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new son. He took one look
and
was horrified to see the ugliest child he had ever seen. He went to his
wife and
said that there is no way that he could be the father of that child. "Look
at
the two beautiful daughters I fathered."
Then he gave her a stern look and asked, "Have you been fooling around on
me?"
The wife just smiled sweetly and said, "Not this time."

The Second Affair

A mortician was working late one night. It was his job to examine the dead
bodies before they were sent off to be buried or cremated. As he examined
the
body of Mr. Schwartz, he was about to be cremated, he discovered the
longest
private part he had ever seen!
"I'm sorry, Mr. Schwartz," said the mortician, "But I can't send you off
to be
cremated with a tremendously huge private part like this. It has to be
saved
for posterity." And with that the
mortician used his tools to remove the dead man's schlong.
He stuffed his prize into a briefcase and took it home. The first person he
showed was his wife. "I have something to show you that you won't believe,"
he
said, and opened his briefcase. "Oh, my God!" she screamed, "Schwartz is
dead!"

The Third Affair

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front
door. "Hurry!" she said, "Stand in the corner."
She quickly rubbed baby oil all over him and then she dusted him with
talcum
powder. "Don't move until I tell you to," she whispered.
"Just pretend you're a statue."
"What's this, honey?" the husband inquired as he entered the room.
"Oh, it's just a statue," she replied nonchalantly.
"The Smiths bought one for their bedroom. I liked it so much, I got one for
us
too." No more was said about the statue, not even later that night when
they
went to sleep.
Around two in the morning the husband got out of bed, went to the kitchen
and
returned a while later with a sandwich and a glass of milk. "Here," he
said to
the 'statue', "eat something. I stood like an idiot at the Smiths' for
three
days, and nobody offered me as much as a
glass of water."

The Fourth Affair

A man walks into a bar one night. He goes up to the bar and asks for a
beer.
"Certainly, sir, that'll be 1 cent."
"ONE PENNY!" exclaims the guy.
The barman replies, "Yes."
So the guy glances over at the menu, and he asks,
"Could I have a nice juicy T-bone steak, with chips, peas, and a fried
egg?"
"Certainly, sir," replies the bartender, "but all that comes to real
money."
"How much money?" inquires the guy "4 PENCE", he replies.
"FOUR PENCE!" exclaims the man. "Where's the guy who owns this place?"
The barman replies, "Upstairs with my wife."
The guy says, "What's he doing with your wife?"
The bartender replies, "Same as I'm doing to his business."




The Fifth Affair

Jack was dying. His wife, Becky, was maintaining candlelight vigil by his
side. She held his fragile hand, tears running down her face. Her praying
roused
him from his slumber.
He looked up and his pale lips began to move slightly. "My darling Becky,"
he
whispered.
"Hush, my love," she said. "Rest. Shhh, don't talk."
He was insistent. "Becky," he said in his tired voice, "I have something I
must
confess to you."
"There's nothing to confess," replied the weeping Becky.
"Everything's all right, go to sleep."
"No, no. I must die in peace, Becky. I ... I slept with your sister, your
best
friend, her best friend, and your Mother!"
"I know," Becky whispered softly. "That's why I poisoned you."

Mr.Applepie

http://www.boards.ie/vbulletin/showthread.php?s=&threadid=35506&highlight=Affairs

Ah now this one was only posted a month ago! No i wont be able to let this one go! I refuse to laugh at it:o

Pugsley

Thought they sounded familiar,still got me smiling though.